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To Be Or Not To Be?

My 5-year-old left her gym class with tears in her eyes.  “I cried two times today,” she said.  When I asked her why, she said it was because her friends decided they did not want to be her friends anymore. One of them started calling her names and singing mean songs about her.  Even though she told the person the song wasn’t nice and asked her to stop, that person kept singing it.

“At first I tried to ignore her.  But she kept singing it over and over until I couldn’t take it anymore.  I got so angry.  So I cried,” my little one elaborated.

I did my best to comfort her. Little ones changing their minds about who they want to be friends with is common. One day you are BFFs, the next, they turn their backs on you.  And a few days later, you are BFFs again.  And the cycle repeats itself ever so often.

Sometimes it happens more often with certain people who use their friendship as emotional blackmail.  It happens to adults too.  I reminded her to not do that to any of her friends because they would be hurt, as she was hurt now.

I asked if she had done anything that might have hurt her friends, like laughed at them when they made a mistake, or speak rudely to them.

“No, mom. Today is lesson three and they just suddenly say they don’t want to be my friends.  But in lesson one and lesson two, they were my friends. I don’t know why,” she replied.

To divert her attention, I asked her what she had done at gym class that day and she said she got to lead in the warm up exercise.  Lead?  She was only recently promoted to the higher level class.  Yet her instructor had asked her to lead the entire class at the start of her third session when there were others who had been there for at least three months or more?

Hmmm… A different reason for her friends turning on her began to surface.

Jealousy At Play?

I might have over-read the situation. Maybe it’s just childishness, but I felt the urge to say something about it to my girl.

So I explained that there was a possibility that her friends who turned their backs on her might have been jealous that she was selected to lead the class.  That sometimes, people do not like to be friends with people who are better than them because it makes them feel inferior.

“But why?” asked my little one.  She continued, “We can learn from 3 different kinds of people.  We can learn from our teachers. We can learn from our parents. And we can learn from our friends. If I am good, and they are my friends, they will become good too,” she reasoned.

“Indeed we can,” I assured her.  “I love hanging out with people smarter and more capable than I am,” I told her.

“Me too!” she replied.

To Be Or Not To Be?

I brought her back to the predicament that she was in.  I told her I was not sure if jealousy was why her friends decided not to be her friends anymore.  But what would she do if indeed her friends rejected her because they were jealous of her being more capable? Would she purposely make more mistakes so she appeared less capable?  Would she become weaker so they would be her friends again?

“Would you stop being your awesome self to keep your friends?” I asked. She looked confused.

So I asked her instead, “Do you want to be loved for who you are?”  She nodded.

“Great! Then continue being your awesome self.  And you will find friends who like the awesome you, who love you for who you are, and who will feel proud to see you do well.  As for people who stop being your friends because you are stronger than them, it is their loss that they decide to stop being friends with you.”

My little one’s eyes lit up.  “That makes a lot of sense, mom. Thanks!” And she gave me a hug.

Why Did I Do This?

Some people may say I over-interpreted the situation with her gym mates.  Maybe I did.  Maybe it’s just childish frivolity and there’s no jealousy whatsoever.

Regardless, I saw this gym event as a good teaching opportunity for my little one (and her older siblings when I shared the conversation with them).

I feel our children need to have the inner fortitude to learn they do not need to “dumb down” to earn the love of anyone.  I want my children to know that they are awesome and feel confident about themselves.  I want them to find friends who love them for who they are.

No, I am not asking my little one to be careless about keeping friends. Of course if now she had lost friends because she was mean or hurtful, the lesson would have been totally different.  It would have been about her being kinder, gentler and more loving because we can always be better versions of ourselves even though our family may continue loving us with our warts and all.

But if she is being rejected for her strengths, I would ask her to be bold in shining and continue being who she is.  I want her to learn that if she is shunned for her strengths, it is not her loss but the loss of those who shunned her. I want her to know she will find people who will love her strengths and flock to her. Because, indeed, birds of a feather flock together. I would much prefer she “flocks” with those who are open to learning,

Why? Because this is not simply about her being authentic and true to herself.  The more important lesson here lies in the golden rule, “Do unto others as you would want others to do unto you.  AND do not do unto others as you would not want others to do unto you.”

In other words, I want her to also learn not to feel jealous or bitter about those who are stronger and better than she, but to be inspired, to want to learn, and to befriend such people.

For that, to me, is a growth mindset. And that is the key to success.

 

Happy Parenting!

 

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The Thing About Yelling…

Yelling. A very common parenting tool.

“LET’S GO!”

“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”

“GO TO BED!”

“GO SHOWER!”

And the list goes on.

Unfortunately, yelling is not an effective parenting tool. Because if it were effective, we wouldn’t find ourselves yelling about the same thing over and over again.

Why is it not effective? Because it puts us on “fight” mode. Our children then see us as a threat which leads to them flipping on THEIR “fight” switch (they start rebelling more) or they flip on their “flight” mode (they start feeling depressed)

It is sooooo tempting to yell. I know. Cos I used to be a yeller. BIG TIME yeller.

Look, I didn’t yell for no reason. I knew constant yelling was useless because it only made the kids tune out, which meant I would have to get louder and louder to get their attention. No. I had reserved my yelling for when I needed their immediate corrective action.

I became a yeller when I first became a parent. And I yelled even more when I had my second child, C. I yelled because the kids weren’t listening when I talked to them nicely. They weren’t doing what they were told. I got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I got mad. I felt my role as a parent being threatened. So I yelled, to get their attention, to show them I’m the boss, to tell them that’s it, no more warnings. And when I yelled, I typically startled myself. Yes, I was LOUD!

And one day, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. I saw something that should never be expressed in the eyes of young children. I saw immense fear in C’s eyes. She was just a tiny preschooler then. It was as if she had seen a monster. And I realised I was that monster.

Then I remembered. Yes, remembered because it is something I have always known but tend to forget when I am upset. I remembered my little ones were just children. They were still learning. Their brains were not mature enough to control their impulses. It was natural that they slipped up repeatedly.

I knew If I yelled every time they slipped up, they would start tuning me up. They might even start ganging up against me. So I ONLY yelled occasionally. But if I yelled when I felt it was the last straw, I became the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, unpredictable in my children’s eyes. I became my daughter’s biggest monster.

That was when I consciously veered away from yelling and researching for other more effective tools.

That was almost a decade ago. Did I still yell after that? Yes. With diminishing frequency, but yes, I still yelled. It took great discipline and self control on my part to not yell but teach and guide calmly.

In the last 5 years or so, I am glad I did not “explode” more than a couple of times. My breakthrough came earlier this year when I managed to control myself from yelling when I discovered my daughter (yes, the same one mentioned above) disregarded my rule for online safety and as a result became a victim of online grooming. 

My daughter, my C, taught me to stop yelling. She was, and still is, my teacher. In fact, all my children are my greatest teachers. Because of them, I have become a much better human being.

For that, I am grateful.

What about you? Have you learned something because of your children? Pls share in the comments below.

Happy Parenting!

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A Lesson On Competitions

Entering into a competition is all about winning, isn’t it? Otherwise, what is the point of competing?

What happens if your child enters a competition and does not win a medal? Did she fail? Was the competition for naught?

The Race With Multiple Medals

C had participated in three events at the National Junior Sprint Canoeing Championship (NJCC) in March this year. She did not have high hopes for winning any medals as she did not even manage to get into the semi-finals last year.

But we worked on psyching her up to have fun and simply do her best. Despite facing stiff competition, she persevered. At each race, we cheered ourselves hoarse. Amazingly, she won medals for ALL three events, including a gold. Understandably, she was elated. The medals were totally unexpected considering her performance the previous year.

As usual, we celebrated her success. More importantly, we debriefed on what she did well and what she could improve on. We concluded that the biggest gain from NJCC was not the medals, but the camaraderie and sportsmanship exhibited by the entire team. Even though they had several team members competing in the same race, they still cheered one another on and congratulated the winners who moved on to semi-finals, and subsequently, finals. They helped one another launch the kayaks before each race, and brought them ashore after each race. Even those who did not proceed to semi-finals and finals were all there to help out. It was such a heartwarming sight to behold.

The three medals C had won were but icing on the cake.

The Race With No Medals

Fast forward a month later. C participated in two events at the National Canoeing Sprint Championship (NCC). This time, she harboured hopes of winning at least a medal. After all, she had won three at the last competition the previous month.

Again, we reminded her to have fun and do her best. At the last light of the first day of the competition, she succeeded in clinching her place in the finals for both her events. She knew she had beaten her personal best (PB) timing twice that day, once during the heat, the other during the semi-final. She went home excited about the prospect of the following day.  The next morning, the race started bright and early. Despite giving all she had, she came in fourth in the singles event, and sixth in the doubles event.

Understandably, she was disappointed. But her recovery from disappointment was swift. Why? Because the top 3 single kayakers in her event were her team mates. She was so happy for them and marveled at their timings. Instead of being a sourpuss for not winning any medals, she displayed great sportsmanship and congratulated her team mates.

What is a Competition Without Medals

There are some for whom medals are all that matter in any competition. For us, medals are an icing on the cake. What mattered more was the relationship within the team. And to me, what mattered more was how C fared against herself.

Even though she did not get a medal this time, her timing from her heat on Day 1 of NCC was faster than her PB from NJCC a month ago. Not only that, she had beaten her PB from the heat the day before with her timing during the semi-final. To top it all, her timing for her finals was her fastest ever.

This was a competition with no tangible medals. But to us, she had won 3 gold medals for beating her own PB 3 times in one competition.

Conclusion

The best races are those we run against ourselves and win. When we help our children understand that, we help them eliminate envy or jealously of others. We can help them overcome disappointment by teaching them to aspire to be better and not beat themselves up. I told my daughter that she could hold her teammates who had won the races as inspirations to aspire towards. But at the end of the day, her true competitor, the one who will never ever leave, is herself. As long as she strives to be better than her previous self, she would have won the “competition”.

This is a competition with no medal. And it is the single most important competition we can take on a daily basis.

A 1% improvement on a daily basis will yield a transformation in no time.

Happy parenting!

– VIvian –

 

 

 

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LAUNCHED! Decoding Your Child Book

The months of writing and editing Decoding Your Child finally came to fruition with a successful book launch on Apr 8, 2018.

So many friends came to support the launch. We even had a young couple who saw the event advertisement online and turned up. They are not even parents yet! How wonderful it is for young couples to learn ahead what parenting entails. I am sure this young couple will be well equipped with parenting skills and know-how when they become parents.

The idea of being prepared for parenting is so critical to the success of our children. When we are prepared, our parenting journey becomes smoother.  Not only that, when our parenting journey is smooth, everything tends to flow more easily. Why? Because when we encounter problems with our children, our lives suffer, our relationship with our spouse suffers, our relationships with our parents and our parents-in-law also suffer. Parenting challenges affect our productivity and effectiveness at work too.

There is a Confucian saying, “Tidy up the family. Rule the country. Conquer the world.” In other words, to do great work, our family unit needs to be first taken care of. When our foundation is stable and strong, we can build “empires”. Hence, parenting is critical to our success.

Why Decode Our Children?

To parent successfully, and for everything in our lives to flow more smoothly, we need to decode our children. Why?

With decoding, there is understanding.
With understanding, there is empathy.
With empathy, there is acceptance.
With acceptance, there is patience.
With patience, there is tenderness.
With tenderness, there is connection.

And when there is connection…
…MAGIC happens.

When there is connection, there is cooperation.
When there is cooperation, there are less disciplinary issues.
When there are less disciplinary issues, parenting becomes a breeze.
When parenting becomes a breeze, life becomes easier
When life becomes easier, everyone is happier.

That’s when everyone is transformed.

And it all starts with DECODING YOUR CHILD.

Deepest Gratitude

I have so many people to thank for this successful launch.

Firstly, I must thank my family, without whom I will not even have a book to write. Juay has been my foundation, offering unwavering support and encouragement, doing everything needed to get the books printed and the venue all set up. My three children have done superbly as well. My teens helped man the various stations during the launch, registering guests and entertaining the children who were present at the launch. And my little one occupied herself and never once interrupted my talk and Q&A session. Thank you, darlings, for being the wind beneath my wings.

Next, I want to thank my sister Wendy Kwek. She is my mentor and sounding board for practically everything. She too worked hard behind the scene to help ensure the books turned out nicely and that the launch was a success. Thank you, jie, for always thinking about how to support my work and for covering my blindspots.

I also want to say big “Thank You” to my extended family who turned up for the book launch. Thank you, Michael and Susan Lau for the beautiful flowers. Thank you, Maureen Tan for your yummilicious cake. Thank you Angela Lau, Andrea Lau, Nicole Tan and Noah Tan for your purchases! It’s so heartwarming to be enveloped in your love and support during this milestone of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

My deepest appreciation to many friends who chipped in to help: Patrick Koh for helping to find lost sheep and ushering them to the venue, Willie Yeo for helping with photography, Uantchern for the use of his cosy venue, and many many more who helped out but I was too distracted sharing with the guests and signing books to thank you individually. Thank you all for being such wonderful angels! 😛

The launch would definitely have not succeeded if not for ALL THE GUESTS who took the time on a Sunday afternoon to be there. So thank you, thank you, thank you, to each and everyone of you who were there! I was not expecting a full house turnout on a precious Sunday afternoon, but you guys came!! Thank you!!

Last but not least, my biggest THANK YOU goes to my mom, Doris Lau. How I wish she could be here to witness the book launch. She was the first person to ever ask me write a book years ago when I was sending her monthly journals of my parenting journey because we were living overseas. Mommy, I know you can see me from the heavens and I can feel your love. I love you and I miss you so much! Thank you for always believing in me.

GET YOUR COPY NOW!

Those of you who missed the Book Launch, fret not. The book is available for sale online. For a limited time, you can get yours at a special Book Launch SALE price.

Use the coupon code: BookLaunch2018. The coupon code expires on 16 Apr 2018 (UTC: +8:00)

Seize the opportunity!  Get your copy here: https://decodingyourchild.com/product/decoding-your-child/

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Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp

In my previous post, I shared the 12 signs of online grooming to help parents teach their children what to look out for in their online interactions in case they are targeted by groomers.

KNOWING about the problem or being able to IDENTIFY the problem is decidedly different from DEALING with it.

How do I tell my daughter her new BFF is a villain? How do I do it in such a way she will not see me as the enemy, considering how much her BFF has poisoned her against me? How do I SOLVE the problem, instead of just removing the manifestations of the problem?

I followed my heart and chose the path of love and empathy.

And it worked.

So what did I do?

1) Keep Cool

When I found my daughter behaving strangely and showing reluctance in surrendering her phone for me to check, I knew in my gut something was wrong. It took great restraint for me to ask for her phone calmly and empathetically. Not as a demand, nor as an accusation, just as-a-matter-of-factly. It was not the first time I had checked the kids’ devices and it would not be the last. To my girl’s credit, she surrendered her phone cooperatively. Definitely with reluctance and apprehension, but she handed it to me nonetheless.

Why not just accuse her?
It would have been so easy to throw accusations like, “What’s wrong? You MUST be hiding something.”

However, such accusations are really counterproductive. I mean, the fact I had felt the need to check carried the assumption that I thought something was up. I did not see the need to rub it in because that would only serve to fracture our relationship.

I knew that if something was really up, a fractured relationship was the last thing I needed. It was clear she would be less inclined to listen to my guidance if her heart were disconnected from mine.

Hence, I worked hard to keep my tone non-accusatory.

How did I keep cool?
Keeping the focus of wanting to help her listen to me and cooperate with me helped me maintain my cool.

Every time an accusation was at the tip of my tongue, I had to bite it back. Yes, I do struggle with being nice and non-accusatory. But I was very conscious that I needed to keep our communication link open. And to do that, it was critical I removed anything that would close her heart to me.

2) Be Compassionate

When a cursory look through the messages confirmed my fears, I asked my daughter how she got to know X. She explained that she knew X from the live chats on Minecraft and apologised for breaking my “no live chat” rule. Upon further gentle probing, “gentle” being the operative word here, I found that she did not know X was an adult until they had moved to the private chat. “She’s a really nice lady, mom,” my girl had said.

I wanted to yell, “She’s a groomer for crying out loud!! She’s ‘nice’ so she can hook you!!!”

Fortunately, I held steadfast to my resolve to respond with love and empathy.

“Are you going to ban me from Minecraft, mom?” my girl asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I replied, and she looked crushed.

Not really knowing how to respond, I just hugged my precious princess tightly and told her, “I am not angry with you. I need to read through all the messages and we’ll decide how to proceed from here.”

My daughter nodded her head and I left to continue looking through the messages. When she saw me struggling to trace back to earlier messages, she helped me use the search function to leapfrog all the way to the beginning of their chat history. It was a great sign because it meant she was being cooperative, that she was open to me digging deeper. There was hope!

Why did I not blame her?
I knew she should know better. But I also knew she was a teenager and that most times, she would NOT know better. Yes, she messed up, but she’s just a teen with a partially developed logical brain. I know how human brains develop and how that affects what our teens can or cannot do. So I can’t blame her for what her brain has not developed to do.

If there were blame to be assigned, it would be to the adults in the picture. X definitely bears some responsibility. If X had an ulterior motive like I suspected, then all the more she was responsible. Even if she did not have ulterior motive, then as a responsible adult, she should not have asked my girl to private chat with her. That’s rule number one in child safety: Do not engage in one-to-one conversation in private with a child we do not know. So yes, X could be blamed.

It would have been easy to just stop there and blame only X. But if I dig deeper, I know I bear the bulk of the blame. I have not kept a close enough eye on my daughter’s online interactions. I have not been very involved in her day-to-day life. I have allowed my girl feel neglected enough to turn to someone else for love and empathy. I have not given her enough attention.

I am responsible for what had happened. Period.

How did I remain compassionate and not blame her?
Being aware that my daughter was not the cause of the problem helped me not lay the blame on her.

I understood that her going online for love and support was but a manifestation of a problem. The actual cause of the problem was that she wasn’t feeling enough love or getting enough support from me. Banning her from Minecraft, or her phone, or her internet accesss, would only deal with the “symptom”. But it would not take care of the root cause. I knew that if the root cause were not addressed, the manifestation of the problem where she went searching for love and empathy elsewhere would resurface.

Hence, I felt I compelled to be compassionate. How could I blame a victim?  Blaming her, while convenient, would distract me from the root cause.

3) Make An Effort To Praise

It took me 14 hours to plough through all the messages and take screen shots of conversations where X was “working her magic”. That meant that for 14 hours, my daughter would not know the verdict of my investigation.

However, I was mindful of what she was doing during that period of time. When she played with her little sister, I praised her for the interaction. Having seen how X attacked my little one in the chats and made her to be a rotten spoilt brat, I was so grateful my girl was willing to interact with her sister. I could see she was a lot more patient and loving in the interaction as well. Hence I spotlighted that for my girl so she knew I noticed what she was doing despite having my head immersed in the investigation.

So yes, I praised her for the little things she did.

Praise? Why not just let her worry about the consequences?
I was not interested in playing mind games. She had been played enough by X. I did not want to keep my girl on the edge of her seat, waiting for the guillotine to fall. Of course I was not going to chop off her head, but I knew that was what it must have felt like for her.

If I had just ignored her and let her tremble with uncertainty, what good would that serve? It would be neither loving nor empathetic. Some may think letting her cower will ensure she will remember the lesson better. Maybe. But that is not how I would like her to remember the lesson. I do not want her to remember to “behave” out of fear because, one day, I may not be around to instill that “fear”, then what? Or when she’s all grown up and doesn’t fear me any more, then what? Who or what will keep her in line? No, fear-based discipline does not last.

Instead, what I wanted to achieve from teaching this lesson was for her to understand that her mistake did not define her, nor would it stop me from loving her. I wanted her to know that everyone makes mistakes. More importantly, I wanted her to know that the best thing about making mistakes is that we get to learn from them so we will NEVER (as far as possible) make the same mistakes again. That was why I took the effort to praise her and spotlight what she was doing well, even as I was going through the “crime scene”.  I wanted her to know I still love her.

How did I still manage to look for something positive?
Knowing that there is something beautiful and positive in my daughter despite her mistake helped me look for that something positive.

After all, she is not THE mistake. More importantly, not EVERYTHING she does is a mistake. She just happened to have made a mistake, that is all.

I am aware that the more we look for positive behaviour in our children and reinforce those with affirmation and praises, the more our children will live up to our expectations. But if we keep nitpicking on their mistakes and misbehaviour, they would lose heart and stop wanting to become better because we never noticed their improvements anyway. I much prefer to ride the upward spiral rather than the downward one.

And now, as I look back at the past few days since the discovery, I have been swarmed with messages of love and encouragement from friends, and even strangers. I am conscious that everyone knows I have messed up as a parent, that I have made the mistake of neglecting my daughter, but no one has dragged me over the coals for it. For that I am grateful and motivated to be an even better parent.

Positive emotions like love, encouragement and empathy inspire corrective action more effectively than fear-based emotions. That is what motivated me to look for something positive to say to my girl.

4) Explain Patiently

Once I finished ploughing through the 6 weeks worth of constant messaging, I had a clear idea of what went on and what was communicated (in writing). I had also taken a zillion screenshots of the signs I had flagged on online grooming. Now I had the information to go talk to my daughter. But I was not emotionally ready to do so.

I took a moment to calm myself because, honestly, I was beyond flustered. I really had to suppress the urge to scream, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!” (Yes, unfortunately, I still do have urges like that.) But that would not help the situation.

How was I supposed to share what I have learned with my daughter? How should I do it in such a way she would really GET it, and more importantly, REMEMBER it?

Again, I meditated on love and empathy, and took a deep, deep breath.

Finally, I felt ready.

And that began our 3-hour debrief of the messages (and we only managed to cover ¾ of them). As we went through screenshot after screenshot, we read what X said, and I decoded it for my daughter in “groom-speak”. After a while, I did not even need to decode what X had said. My daughter would just exclaim over and over again, “OMG, I see what she’s doing here!”

My girl could not believe she had not seen the signs. All she saw previously was the kindness, love and support that X had given her. But with a fresh perspective, she now saw the subtle hints and the seeds that were planted, as well as the nurturing of those seeds till they became full grown resentment for the family. She also saw the increasing intensity and frequency of introducing X’s husband into the picture.

I did not have to hammer her head (and heart) with yelling and screaming. I simply gave her some guiding light and she saw the path herself. She saw where X was leading her.

How did I remain patient when the consequences could have been so severe?
Understanding that learning is done best when the student makes the discovery herself helped me to not rush her.

A student always learns better from a teacher who patiently guides the former to understand the lesson rather than from a teacher who rushes the lesson.

I could have sped up the debrief by just laying out what I knew or just laying out the 12 signs of online grooming that I found in the messages. But that’s stuffing information down my girl’s throat. She will forget about it as soon as the incident is over. She will not have gained any wisdom.

By slowly going through our lesson and helping her identify the signs herself, I am confident she will be able to identify the signs if she ever saw them again, even as an adult.

5) Apologise Sincerely

Wait, what? Apologise?

Yes, apologise.

I cannot pretend that EVERYTHING X had said about me was false. X had not lied. If she had, my daughter would have never believed her. If something were 100% false, it is easy to say, “No, that’s not true.” The problem was X had told half-truths. She had mixed lies with obvious truths. Half-truths are the most lethal because they transfer credibility to the lies. The truths make the lies believable. They make it easier to accept everything as true.

So what were the truths that X had said? She had simply repeated things that my daughter had told her, ie things my daughter knew to be true. For example, I was not there all the time when my daughter was doing her schoolwork, or I had restricted my daughter’s time on Minecraft, or I had brought the family out in the evenings or weekends, or I had praised my son, or I had spent time with my youngest daughter, etc etc.

However, X had lied viciously about the intentions behind those actions of mine. She had insisted that I had done those because I “obviously did not care” about my girl’s education, or that I had restricted my girl’s time on Minecraft or brought them out to deprive her of time on Minecraft because I “obviously didn’t care” what she liked to do in her free time, or that I was biased towards my son and youngest and did not care for my girl, etc. She really pounded on how I “OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T CARE” about my girl. Those were lies, lies that were easy to accept as truths because my daughter had FELT that I did not care.

So even though my daughter was misled by half-truths, there were truths in there that I had to take responsibility for. I was not present enough in my girl’s day-to-day life and her online interactions. While I did spend time sitting down to teach her, I had left her on her own to do the assignments. Maybe she needed me to be around (instead of being out for meetings etc) so she could ask me when she was stuck with her work.

The reason why my daughter had believed X was because I had created the “truths” for X to hang her lies on. I was the root cause. If I had not created those “truths”, X would have had nothing to work her magic on.

So I did what I needed to do. I apologised to my daughter. Sincerely. Repeatedly.

How did I even bring myself to apologise when it was X’s fault?
Realising that I was the root cause was all that was needed. Really.

I was not apologising for what X did. I apologised for giving X the opening to do what she did.

I have realised that apologies, when done sincerely, can heal relationships. My relationship with my daughter obviously had a crack which was why X was able to infiltrate in. My apology helped my daughter understand I knew I needed to bear responsibility of what had happened, that I knew my mistake, that I was willing to learn from my mistake. Those were powerful admissions that could mend emotional hurts. I could not afford to let my ego get in the way of having a strong relationship with my daughter, especially when I already knew I was at fault.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I had not invested sufficiently to keep my daughter’s connection with me strong. I may have thought it was sufficient, but it was obviously not sufficient enough for her to feel connected with me. Hence, I need to buck up and do what is necessary. This is not about me but about meeting her needs. I cannot possibly tell her, “Too bad. That’s all I have to offer.” I need to work harder to ensure she feels my love and not feel neglected.

With this, I need to relook at how I can remain connected with each of my three children (and my husband). More importantly, I need to check in with them regularly to be sure THEY feel connected with me.

What Happened to the Earlier “Connection” Established?

If my girl and I have had such a strong connection previously, how could this have happened? Was that connection completely gone? Or was that connection non-existent in the first place?

I am confident our connection is still there. It’s just that a section of the “bridge” fell off. That was why my daughter broke the rules and that was why an intruder was able to drive a wedge between us.

I know our earlier connection is still there because if it weren’t, my daughter would not have surrendered her phone without a big fight, nor would she have helped me with my investigation when I was fumbling with the app. More critically, she would not have been open to my decoding but would have insisted I was wrong and X was right.

If we have not had a strong connection before this, she could have stolen our credit cards and taken the first flight out to meet X.

I thank God that all the effort I have put in to establish a strong relationship with her has paid off. Things could have been so much worse.

 

Conclusion

Going back to the FB post I had quoted in Part 1 regarding my learning point from Safer Internet Day 2018,

“Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.”

Again, the power of having a strong relationship proves itself.

What had happened was a result of my lack of investment in the relationship between my daughter and me. My initial “investment principal” was still there. It’s just that I had momentarily stopped making “deposits”, resulting in a dip in the “return of investment”.

The lesson I took from this episode is this. We cannot take for granted that our initial investment in our relationship will last forever. We need to continually invest in it. And that applies to ALL relationships.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~