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The Most Important Thing Parents Can Do For Their Children

As the wise saying goes, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ”

I would go one step further and say that the most important thing parents can do for their children is to love their children’s other parent. In other words, moms need to love their children’s dad too.

Today, I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband. As I reflect back on our years together as a couple, and subsequently as parents, I am extremely grateful for the bliss, joy and love this relationship has brought us. More importantly, I am grateful my children have witnessed and experienced a loving and respectful relationship between my husband and me.

There is no better way for our children to learn how to behave in a healthy loving relationship than have their parents role model it. Of course, in abusive relationships, we need to show our children how we stand up for ourselves, seek help for the abusive parent, and if necessary, leave the relationship. But for now, we are looking at normal, healthy spousal relationships.

What Is Love?

What do our children learn from observing how we behave with our spouse? Simple. They learn how love looks like. They learn it’s not all fluff or floating on cloud nine all the time. They learn that “living happily ever after” takes effort and is a conscious decision EVERY SINGLE DAY. In other words, they learn the realities of a loving relationship.

But what are those things that make a relationship work? What are the efforts we need to put in?

1) Trust
Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Without trust, nothing works.

Some say trust needs to be earned. Some say trust needs to be given. For me, trust is something we give based on previous experiences with the person. Most of the time, when we say “I do” at the altar (or wherever we say our marital vows at), we trust the person with whom we are marrying. And it is CRITICAL that the trust is not breached or abused.

When we trust our spouse, we do not question their actions, words or intentions.

What do our children learn?

They learn that trust, like integrity, is extremely important. They learn that trust, once lost, is hard to regain. They learn never to abuse the trust of someone they love. They learn what it means to be trustworthy. Most importantly, they learn they can trust us.

2) Open Communication
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, then open communication is the glue that gels it together.

Open communication with our spouse requires us to be vulnerable with each other, to share our fears, anxieties, hopes and aspirations. It also allows us to share our frustrations and anger without fear that our spouse will take those negatively or personally. That is why trust is critical in a relationship. With trust, open communication comes more easily.

It is with open and honest communication that we can understand our spouse better and vice versa. With understanding, we can appreciate why they do what they do, why they say what they say and vice versa. There will be fewer opportunities for misunderstanding because we know what is going on. But of course differences will still exist. That is why a strong communication link is the bridge that will help us mitigate differences. Trust and open communication allow us to talk calmly and listen attentively to each other ALL THE TIME.

As far as possible, my husband and I have open conversations in the presence of our children. They hear us air our joys and unhappiness. They hear us talk about the future and our concerns. They hear how we resolve scheduling conflicts or make compromises. They hear our thought processes on why things are the way they are and why we do the things we do.

What do our children learn?

They learn the importance of communication. They experience how it helps them manage their expectations. They see how we reason things out calmly and how we listen to each other without interrupting. More importantly, they learn they can trust us with their secrets and their fears and they no longer feel alone with their struggles.

3) Respect
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship and open communication is the glue that gels it together, then respect is the result we will get.

What does respect look like? No, we don’t have to address our spouse as Sir/M’am or Mr/Mrs so-and-so. But it does mean we use the word “please” a lot.

Respect is about being mindful of our spouse’s wishes, their likes and dislikes and how they feel. It’s about reaching important decisions together. It’s also about not making demands but making requests with “please”s.  More importantly, it is about being respectful even behind our spouse’s back. In other words, we do not badmouth our spouse EVER. We may disagree with what they do or say, but we never attack them without them being present to defend themselves.

Nothing destroys a relationship faster than being disrespectful to someone or undermining that person’s authority. This is because disrespect by one person essentially translates to “I don’t care about you or what your think” and/or “You don’t matter at all.” It makes the other person lose trust in the relationship. It’s no wonder a relationship will fail in that sort of toxic environment.

Does it mean we must always agree with our spouse no matter what? Obviously not! We must iron out differences and disagreements but we can do that respectfully.

There is an ongoing joke in our family. When my husband and I first started dating 26 years ago, I had read in magazines that a couple must have a big quarrel before they can get married otherwise, their marriage might not survive their first quarrel. I had told my then-boyfriend that we needed to find something to quarrel about.” And he had jokingly said, “You want to quarrel? Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” Recently, I brought this up again, and again his reply was, “Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” 😀

My husband and I have been in a relationship for 26 years now, and till today, knock on wood, we have yet to muster up a reason to quarrel. Do we have disagreements? Of course! But we have never found the need to scream at each other or tear down each other in the attempt to push our views across. We have been able to air our views respectfully mainly because we have been able to sit down and listen to each other calmly. There were times when we agreed to disagree, but to be honest, I can’t remember what those were. 😛

How are we able to achieve that? Simple. It all boils down to our mindsets. We believe the other person is just as intelligent as ourselves, if not more. We believe that both of us have the best interest of the family. We believe that we could be looking at things from a different perspective and that it is important to see things from the other person’s perspective. We believe that if we work together and put our heads together, we could come up with a better idea or solution than bulldozing our way through. We believe that acknowledging we were mistaken will not diminish our standing with each other or with ourselves.

Basically, we believe we have made the right choice when we said “I do” all those years ago.

What do our children learn?

They learn how to be respectful, not just to their parents, but to their siblings, to their friends, and everyone around them. They learn to mind their “P”s. They learn how to disagree respectfully. They learn it is not embarrassing to back down on their views when someone presents a stronger case. They learn that working together with a common goal is more empowering and effective than working to undermine someone else’s authority. They learn that issues can be resolved without raised voices, fights or violence. And that will help them resolve conflicts amicably when they grow up.

4) Appreciation
So for there to be a strong relationship, we need to have trust, open communication and respect. And when we have respect for someone, we will very naturally show our appreciation to that person.

A healthy relationship REQUIRES, yes, requires, a show of appreciation. Why? Because it means we have not taken that person for granted. It shows we respect the person and what he/she has done for us. A simple “thank you” means a lot to keeping the relationship strong. It shows we acknowledge our spouse’s effort for doing something for us, even if it is as simple as getting us a drink, or even calming an upset child.

Some may object and say, well, the child is our spouse’s too so why should we thank them for watching or calming the child. The answer is simple. Would it make us feel better if our spouse acknowledge and show appreciation to us when we care for our children? Would a “Thank you for waking up in the middle of the night to soothe baby”, or, “I know it’s been hard on you looking after our girl when she was sick” bring warmth to our hearts? “ If the answer is yes (even if we think it is not necessary), then it means the “thank you” adds to our emotional bank account with our spouse. Likewise, when we thank our spouse, it adds to their emotional bank account with us.

In our family, thank you’s are expected and usually automatically given. If someone forgets, my little preschooler will remind them to say their thank yous. We mind our “Q”s because we respect everyone and do not take anyone for granted.

What do our children learn?

They learn to show appreciation for everything. They learn not to take anything for granted. Most importantly, they learn not to take us, their parents, for granted. They learn to say thank you. They learn to appreciate everything and everyone. And that will help them build strong relationships in all areas when they grow up: with their friends, their co-workers, their spouse, their in-laws, their children, everyone.

5) Acceptance
We have looked at the importance of trust, open communication, respect and appreciation. The next ingredient to a strong healthy relationship is acceptance. Yes, it means not attempting to change the other person.  I mean, if we attempt to change someone, we are not being respectful of that person, are we?

It’s hard to live with someone who is always doing their utmost best to change us or our behaviour. There will always be tension if we want our spouse to do things the way we want them to or vice versa. When we said our “I do”, we were ok with the person we were marrying. After marriage, it is important for us to continue being ok living with the person as they are for the rest of our lives.

No one is perfect. We most definitely aren’t and so we cannot expect our spouse to be. We will end up creating a lot of undue tension for our spouse by attempting to change them, and we will be creating unnecessary disappointment for ourselves when our spouse refuses to change. Instead, let us just learn to accept. Breathe… Let. It. Go.

Jim Rohn once said that for things to change, first we must change. We have to change the way we look at things, the way we look at our spouse. Then and only then we can accept our spouse for who they are, flaws and all.

I know I am not perfect, and neither is my spouse. There are things about him that drive me up the wall and I am 100% sure he pulls his hair out at some aspects of me. However, I have learned to remind myself of all the things I love about him each time I get upset with him. And suddenly, I will no longer feel irked. Over the years, I get better and better at shrugging things off and loving him even more. Sure, there are still times I find myself up on the wall. But my recovery time has shortened. 😛

I am sure my dear husband has his own ways of dealing with all my flaws and imperfections for he has not moved to “improve” me. I know there are times he gets really frustrated with me, but he has been able to achieve equilibrium rather quickly too.

We have changed the way we looked at the flaws in each other and because of that, our relationship has thrived.

Speaking of change, we all know that change is the only constant. People change.  The spouse we have today is not the same person we married. Our spouse has changed, as have we. Our interests could have changed. Our habits could have changed. Our outlook in life could have changed. And with each change, the only way we can continue accepting each other is if we have open communication. Otherwise, one day we would wake up and realize to our horror that the person next to us in bed is a total stranger.

What do our children learn?

Our children learn that love is unconditional. They learn that we will accept them as they are and love them for who they are, not what we want them to be. They will feel safe. They learn they can be authentic in a relationship, that they do not have to wear a mask. More importantly, they learn to accept others as they are. They also learn that acceptance requires open communication based on trust and respect.

Conclusion

A strong relationship takes work. It takes investment in time and effort. It is based on the foundation of trust, from which open communication thrives. With that, respect grows which in turn gives rise to appreciation and acceptance.

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The best part of cultivating a strong relationship is with our spouse is that our children are watching, learning, and modeling after us. Not only will they feel safe growing up in a loving environment, they will learn how to nurture a loving relationship when they grow up.

Happy parenting!

– Vivian Kwek –

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The Easiest, Yet Most Difficult, Way To Connect With Our Children

I recently watched Alice Through The Looking Glass with my children. There were so many lessons we could learn from that show. But there was one in particular that stood out for me. It was from a scene where Mirana, the White Queen, apologised to her sister, Iracebeth, the Red Queen. And the latter had said, “That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

Touching Scene From Alice Through The Looking Glass
For those of you who have not watched Alice in Wonderland or Alice Through The Looking Glass, here’s a quick run through. Iracebeth, the exiled Red Queen, hated her sister, Mirana, the White Queen. Iracebeth did everything she could to topple Mirana and cause her harm. In Alice in the Wonderland and halfway through Alice Through The Looking Glass, we were led to think it was because Mirana was kind and beautiful, and Iracebeth was jealous of her. Later in the sequel, we learned that there was more to that jealousy.

It turns out that when they were young, Mirana had lied to their mother, which resulted in the latter wrongly accusing Iracebeth of something she did not do. In a fit of anger, Iracebeth had ran out of the castle, tripped and hit her head on a stone wall. The pain as well as the anger at being betrayed by her sister and at being wrongly accused by her mother led her to bellow with all her might. That resulted in her head expanding to its enormous size. Henceforth, Iracebeth blamed Mirana for her resultant deformity.

And it was due to this deformity that the crown broke during Iracebeth’s coronation when it was being force fitted over her abnormally large head. When she had a melt down as a result of that humiliation, her father denied her the crown and gave it to Mirana instead. That sealed Iracebeth’s hatred for Mirana because Iracebeth felt the losing of her crown was a direct result of Mirana’s lying years ago.

In the final moments of Alice Through the Looking Glass, Mirana finally apologized to Iracebeth.

Sorry1“I’m sorry.”

The countenance of Iracebeth softened. She teared and said, “That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

sorry2“That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

Imagine that. All the hatred and anger Iracebeth held against Mirana could have been mitigated years ago. Mirana would not have to deal with all the plotting and fighting with Iracebeth if she had apologised years ago.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
How many of us have gone through experiences where a simple apology could have done so much for us? Of course as we grow older, we learn to forgive, we learn to let go, we learn that holding a grudge is like poisoning someone else by drinking the poison ourselves. We learn that we need to forgive even if no apology is forthcoming.

But what if an apology did come? What if the person or persons who had hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally, apologised? I don’t know about you, but I find that the earlier the apology came forth, the easier it is to let go of the offending event or action.

However, over the years, I have learned to let go and not take offence even if I do not receive an apology. It was a necessary skill because some of the people I care deeply never apologised for any big or small hurtful things they had done. There are many reasons why people do not apologise:

  1. they do not THINK what they have done is hurtful, or
  2. they do not KNOW what they have done is hurtful, or
  3. they do not WANT to admit what they have done is hurtful even if they know it is so, or
  4. they hope everyone has amnesia and PRETEND they have not done the hurtful deed, or
  5. it’s just NOT something they do.

Whatever the reason, the apology is not forthcoming. If I had to wait for it to come before being able to forgive, the resentment will fester in me and hurt me more in the long run.

So for my sanity and emotional health, I would forgive, again and again, regardless of whether I receive an apology or not. More importantly, I have learned to apologise, maybe because I value apologies since they are so hard to come by.

How Does Apology Help Parenting?
So how does that help in parenting? I have learnt that we need to apologise to our children if we have done something that hurt them, embarrassed them, or belittled them. It does not matter if the hurt is caused unintentionally. How the hurt comes about becomes irrelevant when the fact remains that they have been hurt by our words or actions.

So how does apologising to our kids help in parenting? Wouldn’t it cause our children to doubt our ability? Wouldn’t it lead them to think we are weak? Wouldn’t it undermine our authority?

My answer to those questions is “no”. On the contrary, “I’m sorry” is a very powerful phrase for parents. Why?

1) It removes resentment and builds connection
How do we feel when someone we love hurt us? Do we yearn for an apology? Why do we want an apology? If that person does not apologise, how do we feel? It is no different for our children. Remember, they too are humans. They too have feelings.

When our children feel hurt by us, our connection with them breaks. To rebuild it, they need to know we are sorry for hurting them. When we verbalise our apology, they know we know we are wrong, they know we regret what we have done, and they know we care about how they feel. All these help them feel reconnected with us.

The beautiful thing is our children are extremely forgiving beings. Our emotional bank account with our children is filled to the brim when we first start our parenting journey with them. Hence, the younger they are, the more forgiving they are. It would take A LOT to deplete our emotional bank account with them.

However, if we consistently refuse to apologise for our mistakes with them, for the things we have done or said that hurt them, our emotional bank account with them will slowly deplete, and at some point, run dry. Typically, that happens when our children reach adolescence. If we deplete our account with them when they become teens, that’s when we will have a whole lot of defiance issues and experience a full-blown teenage rebellion.

In other words, the size of our teens’ rebellion is indirectly proportional to the size of our emotional bank account with them. The bigger our emotional bank account is with our children, the smaller their rebellion and defiance. The smaller our emotional bank account is with them, the bigger their rebellion and defiance.

Apologising does not cause our children to doubt our ability. Instead it leads them to see our humility and to know we care about how they feel. And because they know we care, they will feel more connected to us.

2) It models repentant behaviour
Secondly, we know children learn through modeing. That is why we are deathly afraid they will fall into wrong company and learn “bad stuff”.

How do we expect our children to apologise if they have not seen what that behavior looks like? Our children do what we do, not what we say. Hence, if we want our children to apologise for their mistakes or their wrongdoings, especially when they reach the teen years, it is crucial we model for them what being apologetic looks like.

Apologising does not make us weak. On the contrary, it illustrates strength and bravery. It helps our children look up to us for being able bold enough to be vulnerable, to acknowledge our mistakes and to look for ways to improve ourselves. These are excellent values for our children to emulate.

3) It teaches accountability
More importantly, it teaches our children to accept responsibility for their own wrongdoing because they see us doing likewise. It shows us up as people with integrity, who will own up to our mistakes.

Apologising does not diminish our authority. Instead, it shows our children that our deeds are separate from us, that even though we may have made a mistake, we are not the mistake, that we can learn from the mistake and become even better.

It helps our children build their self-esteem to understand that their mistakes do not reflect who they are. Instead, mistakes are learning opportunities for everyone to grow and become better. It helps them separate the deeds from the doer and know they too can rise above their mistakes. And should they fail in whatever they do, they will know they themselves are not failures.

Rather than diminishing our authority, our ability to apologise actually builds our authority, for we become better and stronger in the process of acknowledging and learning from our mistakes.

Conclusion
At the end of the day, apologising makes us more human and more approachable. As a result, it makes it easier for our children, especially our teens, to associate with us and to connect with us.

So parents, feel free to apologise to your children. They will thank you for it.

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How To Protect Our Children From Sex Predators like Joshua Robinson?

I have been following the underage sex case of Joshua Robinson with concern. While I feel he deserves a stronger sentence for the unconscionable acts he has done, I am more concerned by the behavior of the 2 underaged girls who had consented to his sexual advance.

Why did Robinson get away with a relatively light sentence despite the furore the sentence had caused? Firstly, it is because the teenagers were over 14 years old, which meant they were not minors. Thus Robinson could not be charged with having sex with minors which carries a heavier sentence. Secondly, it is because he did not coerce them into sex. The girls had consented to it. That meant he could not be charged with statutory rape which also carries a heavier sentence .

Does it mean it was the fault of the girls? I think it would be superficial and unfair to blame the girls. The buck goes further than the girls themselves.

Why? Now let us think about how Robinson got busted? It was because a 6-year-old girl had told her parent what Robinson had shown her.  What had prompted her to tell her parent? Did she know what Robinson showed her was wrong?  How did she know that?

The law does not fully protect our children from sexual predation. Only we, parents, can do it.

How can we protect our children?

1) Sexual Education

a) When they are young…
From the time my children were toddlers, I taught them the actual names for their private parts. A young child who is able to name his/her private parts in anatomically correct terms is announcing to the world that he/she has been taught what those are.  It also signals to others that it is likely the child knows about inappropriate touches.  Sexual predators will stay away from children like that.

When my children were preschoolers, I taught them that no one was allowed to touch or see their privates parts. Likewise, they know no one can ask them to touch or see other people’s private parts. And I mean no one. Not I, not their dad, not their sibling, not even their doctor without us being present. They were taught to let us know if anything like that happened.

My 4-year-old still reminds me that she needs to wash herself when I shower her and I love it.  I always use it as an opportunity to reinforce that lesson for her.

b) When they are older…
I started talking about the bees and birds with my children when they were between 10-12 years old. The look on their faces when they realized what their parents did to conceive them was priceless. And that was when I started talking about when sex is ok. Although the topic still makes them squirm somewhat (they are both teenagers now), they know it is not a taboo topic. Once they overcame the initial discomfort, we were able to talk about the topic in a very carefree manner. Most importantly, my children feel comfortable enough to approach me with questions on this topic at any time.  And they do.

Giving our children sexual education is not equivalent to encouraging them to engage in sex. We will do more harm to them by keeping this subject shrouded in mystery. By speaking openly to our children about this, they learn it is not a shameful topic. It encourages them to talk to us about it instead of getting their information from strangers. The problem with them turning to strangers for such information is that they can then be easily led astray.

2) Close Relationship

However, in order for our children to feel comfortable talking to us about such a personal topic, we must first have a close relationship with them. And having a close relationship is not just about spending time. We can spend 24/7 with someone and still feel disconnected with him/her. Hence, what we need to do as parents is to invest time establishing emotional connection with our children. The more personal and private a topic, the stronger our emotional connection need to be in order for them to approach us with it.

Conclusion

Let us all do our part to prevent the likes of Joshua Robinson from robbing our children of their innocence. Let us educate our children because knowledge is power. We need to arm our children so they know how to protect themselves.

 

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Raising Critical Thinkers

Stephen Covey said, “Begin with an end in mind.”

How does that apply to parenting? Do we begin by visualising our children as doctors? Lawyers? The next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg? Probably not.

What is the end we have in mind when we have children? Do we seriously think about it?

Begin With An End In Mind

I feel that it’s easier to parent with a vision of the qualities I would like my children to possess when they grow up. In this post, I will touch on one of these qualities, namely to be independent critical thinkers able to stand up for their beliefs respectfully.

What that translates into is I actually allow them to “argue” with me. From young. Some parents might shake their heads at this. They might wonder how I could allow my children to disrespect my authority.

Before I begin, first let me first state that my children are not allowed to speak to me, or anyone, disrespectfully. We mind our Ps and Qs at home, all the time. That means, my husband and I also speak respectfully to them.

Second, when I say “argue”, I mean an exchange of views and perspectives. After all, arguing means putting forth reasons for or against something. My children are allowed, even encouraged, to tell me what they think and how they feel, especially if they do not agree with me. But like I mentioned above, they need to do that respectfully. And obviously the same applies to me. I need to be respectful when putting forth my arguments to them.

Why on earth would I want to make my life difficult? Isn’t it easier to just make them do what I want them to do without having to “argue” with them?

Well, that’s where beginning with the end in mind comes in. The image of my kids all grown up and standing up for they believe in and being able to put forth their arguments calmly and respectfully is an image I hold constantly in my mind. Even if they cannot get their way at the end, at least they would have had the chance of saying their piece.

Hence allowing them, from young, to “argue”, or rather give me reasons for what they want as opposed to what I want, was a way of training them.

Challenge as a Parent

The challenge for me as a parent is to state my case for why they need to do something, so they can see my point of view and, hopefully, agree with me. Many times, if I find that I cannot even convince myself why they MUST do certain things, I would relent. Yep, my kids would “win” the argument and I would actually tell them why. That way, they see the logic in their argument and the flaw in mine.

On some occasions, I would put my foot down and tell them, “I’m sorry, you don’t have a choice.” But I keep those to a minimum so that when I do put my foot down, they know I mean business and they will cooperate. It is amazing. But it works. Really.

This strategy was extremely effective when my children were at the “NO!!!” stage, ie when they were about two years old. As far as possible, I would do my best to understand why they had said no. Most times, it was just them asserting their independence and if it was not a big deal, I would let them “win”.

If their cooperation was non-negotiable, I would explain my case.  It was time consuming to explain to and convince them especially when they were little. I have had family members telling me I was ridiculous explaining myself to a preschooler. However, I am glad I persisted because I see results which I will talk about later in this post.

There were still occasions when my preschool kids would resist what I wanted them to do.  However, because the frequency of me insisting my way was very low, the tendency of them giving in was much higher. I know that sounds counter-intuitive.

I have parents telling me they are afraid to let their children win because then they would lose control of their children. They are afraid that their children would be the ones dictating what to do henceforth.

However, the reason for letting our children “win” as often as is reasonably possible, and letting them know they have won, is to give them a sense that they have some control over their lives. That way they do not feel that they have to fight EVERY SINGLE TIME in an attempt to wrest control.

Results of Letting My Children “Win”

(i) During the Preschool Years
Now going back to when my children were going through the “NO!!” phase. The strategy of letting them win as often as possible actually led to a drastic reduction of them being contrarians after several weeks.

Firstly, because they knew I would listen to what they wanted.

Secondly, because they learned they would tend to get what they wanted if they asked for it nicely.

Thirdly, because they had a certain degree of control over their lives.

Fourthly, they found out that I always had good reasons why I could not give them what they wanted and that even if they cried, and especially if they cried, they still would not get that.

Now, when my soon-to-be 4-year-old wants something she cannot get, she will relent when I hold my ground because she knows I only stand firm on things that really matter and that I will not waver. She may cry for a little while, but she gets over it very fast.

Because of this simple strategy, we did not have the “Terrible Twos” or “Terrible  Threes” stage.

(ii) During the Teen Years
My older 2 children are now 14 and 12 years old. They have learned to put forth their arguments respectfully because they know my husband and I would hear them out.

In fact, I remember once asking my teenager why he did what I asked him to do without telling me he was in the middle of something. His reply? “Because you always have very good reasons for wanting me to do something.”

While I really appreciated his cooperation, I actually told him he had the right to protect his time and if he had told me he was preoccupied with something else, I would have let him finished what he was doing first because what I needed done that time was not that critical.

It may seem like I am teaching my children to be difficult. However, I hold a long term vision, and that is for my children to be able to protect their time and their needs by voicing them respectfully.

The reason why that is important to me is simple. Many times, as adults, we feel “oppressed” because our needs are not heard or met. And many times, it is because we have not surfaced those needs, or we have not argued coherently and respectfully why they need to be met. Imagine what would happen if we had learned and mastered the skills of negotiation and critical thinking from young.

So now, I do hear my children telling me they need another 10 or 15 minutes and wherever possible, I would grant them that 10 or 15 minutes. But when I tell them “now”, they know it is non-negotiable and they would cooperate.

Because of this simple strategy, my teens are not defiant or contrarians. And thankfully, we are not experiencing the “Terrible Teens” stage.

Conclusion

The key to peaceful parenting, having cooperative children is to keep instances where our children feel “forced” to do something to a minimum. That way, when it really comes down to a time when they have no choice, they are more likely to cooperate without putting up a fight.

While allowing our children to argue with us could make parenting a little tougher, the benefits, in my opinion, far outweigh the inconveniences:

  • it helps us, parents, to be reasonable in our demands/requests;
  • it trains our children to think about how to argue their case logically and coherently;
  • it allows our children to see that we respect their views;
  • it leads to a peaceful parenting model where there is hardly any outburst of defiance; and
  • it builds confidence in our children in voicing out their opinions and feelings.

It is hard to parent a vocal child. It is hard to say no to something that is logically and calmly laid out. But if you imagine that your child were now a grown up, would you like for her to stand her ground and be vocal?  If your answer is yes, then you may want to consider training your child to be articulate in putting across her views and opinions from young.

– Vivian Kwek –

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The Ever-Changing Landscape of Parenting

(from 1 Minute Parenting Insights published on Decoding Your Child Facebook Page on 1 Sep 2016)

In the early years, our babies do not have a concept for self. Their entire world is made up of their caregivers like ourselves. How they feel is dependent on how their caregivers react to them and their needs. That is when we respond lovingly to our babies ALL THE TIME, including bedtime and through the night because that forms the basis of how they see the world.

Later, our children start developing a sense of self. Then our role as caregivers change. We empower them, support them, guide and cheer them on. That is when we give them some level of independence, encourage them to explore, teach them right from wrong, and celebrate their successes so they grow up confident of themselves because we have shown them our confidence.

When they are grown up and have developed a sense of self, we become their cheerleaders. That is when we let go, respect their views and celebrate the person they have become.

Parenting is an ever-changing landscape where our roles are constantly changing. Let us all grow with our children.

Happy parenting!!