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Dealing with Anger (Part 3) – How to Overcome Anger

We have previously looked at the  “WHAT” (read Part 1 here) and “WHY” (read Part 2 here) aspects of ANGER. 

In Part 3, we will look at the “HOW”.  How do we control and deal with our anger?

What We Can Do

1) Identify the Fear

In Part 2 of Dealing with Anger, I mentioned that ANGER is the mask for FEAR.

Whenever we get angry, it’s because a fear is triggered. And instead of feeling paralysed by the fear, we put on our ANGRY mask so we can “fight” the threat.  In other words, instead of dealing with the fear, we attack whatever it is that exposes that fear.

What we see on the surface is ANGER (shouting, hitting etc).  But beneath that surface is a whole range of other emotions that is almost always backed by fear.  

For example, most of us instinctively get angry when someone points out our mistakes. But what do we actually feel?  Most probably it was embarrassment.  However, the underlying emotion is actually our fear of “losing face”.

Or if someone cuts us off in traffic, we feel indignant that the other driver is being rude and we honk angrily at him.  But our underlying emotion could be our fear of being late. It could even be due to our kiasuism (fear of losing) to other driver. 

Or if, instead of us, a colleague gets promoted. Some of us may feel jealous. We may complain about unfairness or even resign in anger. But actually what is triggered is our subconscious fear that our contribution is not being recognised by our bosses.

Of if our child throws a tantrum.  Out of frustration, we yell, shout or hit the child. But if we analyse it further, it could be our fear of not knowing how to help our child. I know some parents fear becoming the parent they vowed never to be. I was one of them. It took me a long time to overcome that fear. I’ll share how I overcome that in a moment. 

The point is whenever we get angry, there actually lies a host of emotions (frustration, jealousy, embarrassment etc) beneath that ANGER. And if we dig further, those emotions always stem from fear.

How does knowing that help us?  

Every time we feel angry, even if we have already exploded, we need to take the time to reflect and identify the emotion that triggered that anger.  More importantly, we must identify the fear that is triggered. After a while, we will discover certain fears keep surfacing.  

2) Identify the Fear Pattern

What are the fears that keep surfacing? Is it the fear of “losing face”? Why are we afraid of losing face? Is it because we are worried people will think/know we have FAILED to do it right? 

Or is it kiasuism, our fear of losing? Why are we afraid to lose? Is it because we don’t want to appear lousier than others? Because that would mean we have FAILED to win?

Or is it the fear of becoming someone whom we have vowed never to become? Why is it fearful to become that person? Is it because we know that person is flawed and if we are becoming like them, it means we too are flawed, that we have FAILED at being better?

Or is it fear of the unknown, fear of change? Why is change or the unknown so fearful? Is it because we don’t know how to respond or deal with it, that we will FAIL to adapt?

We need to keep asking questions and drill as deeply as possible to uncover our hidden fears.

Most of the time, we will realise our root fear is the fear of failure. And that comes from our fear of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

3) Question the Validity of the Fear

The fear of failure is deeply entrenched in our psyche, especially in our culture.  We were brought up in a society where failure, or making mistakes, is frowned upon and not seen as an essential step towards learning.  Some of us were brought up where we were not given second chances, or were very harshly punished for our mistakes.  

I used to beat myself up badly every time I messed up. I would feel guilty, and with each loss in my temper, I would feel more inadequate then ever. Not only did I feel I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH, I actually felt I was worse than the parent I did not want to become. Why? Because, compared to my parent, I had done so much reading and studying about becoming a good parent. Yet I had failed to do what I wanted to do.  I was convinced I was a lousy, terrible, unworthy parent to my children.

Until one day, I had an epiphany. 

I used to have a parent who would punish me when I messed up. Not only did I get a tongue lashing, I would get a physical lashing as well.  Even if I had scored 97 marks in my Math test, I would receive 3 lashings for not scoring 100.  And if I scored 99, then it would be 1 very hard lashing, because I was SO CLOSE yet not achieve 100.  I remember scoring 77 marks once.  Those were dark days…  I was brought up to fear failure, to fear mistakes.

What led to my epiphany was I realised I hadn’t been scolded nor received lashings for more than 30 years.  Yet that blueprint of being whipped and lashed had been so ingrained in me that I had became my greatest punisher. I realised I was the one who had made my life extremely difficult especially when my journey was rough. I had become my harshest critic to prevent failing or making mistakes. But my harshness sunk me to greater depths of despair whenever I failed and each “sinking” was harder to climb out of.  How could I ever be the parent I want to be if I were so lousy?  

So I went on a quest to learn how to overcome the conditioning that failure needs to be “beaten” out of me, that I am never good enough, even if I am at 99%.

And this is what I learned on my quest.

We need to really question the validity of our fear of failure. Past failures do not mean future failures, otherwise none of us would have ever learned to walk, ride a bike, swim, or do almost anything. How many of us learned to do anything the very first time we did them?  Most of us had failed repeatedly before we succeeded in doing anything well.  Yet, because we had persevered, each failure helped us learn where we went wrong and we became better. 

So instead of saying we are not good enough, or that failure is bad, a strong mantra or affirmation we can use is this:

“I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I am in with the knowledge and skills I have.”

“Failure and learning from past mistakes are necessary for growth and success.”

That way, we don’t beat ourselves up when we have yet to reach success.  We will have the strength to pick ourselves up, learn, and have another go until we get it right.

These mantras have helped me so much in managing my “failures”, in helping me pick myself up and learn to be better.  They have empowered me to feel I CAN be better and they did not sink me into the depths of despair. 

It sounds simple, but actually takes a lot of courage and resilience to press on and not get buried by mistakes.  When the going got tough, and it frequently did and still does, I just thought about Thomas Edison. When asked how he felt failing  10,000 times before he invented the lightbulb, he replied, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

The key here is to know we can do it and keep working on finding a solution without beating ourselves up.

BUT some parents tell me, “I can’t control my explosions! Even before I can analyse my fear, my anger has already gripped me and I have exploded. So how?”

4)  BREATHE!

When we feel that familiar gush of anger flooding into our system, the very first step is to take a deep breath. It takes conscious effort and determination to not let the anger control us. The wonder of taking that ONE deep breath is that most people will find their brains less foggy and they can think better after that one deep breath . It is through this first step that anger can be controlled.

Unfortunately, that is one of the hardest thing to do. I have encountered so many parents who say that once they are gripped by anger, they would lash out instinctively. They only remember they need to take a deep breath after their anger is spent.  Why?  

Usually when an EVENT happens, we have a THOUGHT or interpretation about it. That THOUGHT triggers us feel a particular EMOTION which leads to a certain BEHAVIOUR. For example, the child hits his sibling. Automatically, our brain interprets that event with the thought that the child is being naughty which makes our blood boil (anger) and we yell at or hit the child

The thing is, whenever we allow a thought to be triggered by a particular set of events and we respond with a particular emotion which leads to certain behaviour, our brain triggers a connection from the event to the interpretation (thought) to the corresponding emotion and finally to the behaviour.  The more we react to the same event by pulling up the same thought followed by the same emotion and reinforcing it with the same behaviour, the thicker and stronger the synapse (or pathway) from the event to the final behaviour becomes.

It gets to the extent that the pathway becomes “instinctive”. In other words, the final behaviour becomes instinctive whenever the interpretation or thought appears as a result of certain events.  The link (arrow) from EVENT to BEHAVIOUR as well as from THOUGHT to BEHAVIOUR is now very strong and thick.

That is why some parents cannot even stop to breathe once the trigger is activated.  That is why for many parents who have “anger management” issues, they cannot even remember to breathe once they feel angry. 

So How?

Does that mean there is no cure once we have anger management issues?  Thank goodness that is not the case. There is a cure. Otherwise I would still be having anger management issues. 

I used to be an explosive mom. Despite knowing and doing my best to practice loving guidance, I had on many occasions yelled at my two older children when they were young. And even though it was rare, I have also been guilty of spanking them. 

That was years ago before I learned about anger and why I exploded. With that knowledge and a lot of hard work (and mistakes), I overcame that “instinct” to yell at them and was also able to stop myself from raising my hands to their bottoms.

I have 3 children. My older two are 10 and 8 years older than my youngest child. They have often commented that their youngest sibling has a very different mom. Even though they have not been yelled at or hit for years, the trauma of how I had “disciplined” them with violence still remained.

That is why I strongly advocate for peaceful, loving discipline. Our children remember how we treat them, even if they may have forgiven us.

Visualise It Now

So how did I overcome my anger? It was through visualising what I would do when the “event” occurs.  

Let us do a few simple exercises now.

Take two deep breaths slowly (BEHAVIOUR 1). Now visualise yourself calming down and creating the THOUGHT that your child needs your help. Then bring up the feeling of compassion and imagine yourself talking gently and lovingly with your child. You can even think of the “script” you would say to the child when you are calm (BEHAVIOUR 2).  

Keep replaying that visualisation over and over again. 

Why would that help?  It helps because our brain cannot differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary.  It will still form synapses. Hence, when we visualise or imagine something, our brains will still trigger the connections. In other words, we can actually “rewire” our brains just by thinking!

The more we visualise ourselves doing this, the stronger the pathway (arrow).

If you can, keep repeating this visualisation several times a day.  However, I shall be brutally honest here.  After doing the exercise now (assuming that you have done it), most parents will most likely repeat this visualisation only when they explode the next time and feel guilty.  They will remember they WERE SUPPOSED to take 2 deep breaths. 

Instead of feeling guilty that you did not take 2 deep breaths but had exploded, just do your visualisation. Imagine yourself taking 2 deep breaths, creating the thought that your child needs help and you feeling compassion for him.  

Then go through the script where you will speak gently and lovingly to him.  Keep doing this EVERY TIME you explode.  Do not give in to the guilt and replay how you have exploded. Otherwise you are reinforcing the synapse of you responding to events or behaviour of your child with anger.  Stop the video of your mistake.  Create a new video of you taking 2 deep breaths, calming down etc.   Trust me, it works.  It takes time and effort because we are rewiring our brain, but it works. 

How do you know you have mastered “Taking 2 Breaths”?

When you feel irritated or frustrated, but not angry yet, you will find yourself taking the 2 deep breaths, feeling calmer and being better able to speak gently and lovingly.  

You may also notice your explosions getting fewer in frequency and lesser in intensity. Your synapse below is ready.

When that happens, you are ready for Step 2.

What is Step 2?

Step 2 requires you to rewire events that make you feel your child is being naughty or intentionally making you upset.

Think about something your child does that typically causes you to explode. Imagine that she has done that. Now visualise yourself taking two deep breaths and calming down. 

Keep doing this visualisation while practicing you taking 2 deep breaths, thinking and believing that your child needs help and you speaking gently and lovingly to her. Keep doing this until it becomes your default behaviour.

Once you can get from whatever triggers you (big or small) to taking your 2 deep breaths, the rest of loving guidance will follow.  

Step 3

What? There is still Step 3?

Well, I never said changing our habitual instinctive behaviour is easy, did I?  It takes effort and we need to cover different scenarios because right now the more easily triggered we are by anger, the more “roads” we have in our brains that lead to “Rome”.  So we need to “destroy” those traditional paths and recreate new roads that lead to paradise. 

So what is Step 3?

It is catching ourselves having the thought that our children are naughty. Whenever we have that thought, catch it and visualise ourselves taking 2 deep breaths. We want to create a strong pathway for this negative thought and link it to us taking 2 deep breaths.

When we find ourselves successfully catching ourselves referring to or thinking that our children are naughty and following that thought with 2 deep breaths, we would have succeeded in creating and strengthening these new pathways in our brain and weakening our old paths.

I have a few parents who confessed they would still scold and spank after they take their 2 deep breaths. The reason that happens is because their visualisation practice laid out in first part of the exercise (visualising taking deep breaths followed by the thought that their child needs help, followed by the feeling of compassion which leads them to be able to speak gently and lovingly) was not strong enough. 

Good News!

This manner of rewiring our brain applies not only to anger management.  It applies to all aspects, including getting rid of procrastination, overcoming fear, etc. The more vivid we can visualise what we would like happen, the faster and thicker the connection will grow and the sooner we will be able to exhibit the desired behaviour.

That is why our thoughts have power. When we keep replying old “videos” in our heads, feeling the same shame and guilt for our angry explosions, we are actually strengthening those undesirable explosions! 

Instead of feeling shame, guilt and regret, play a different video, one where we do the right thing and say the right thing.  Just keep replaying that video.  It would be more productive in helping us change our behaviour.

Conclusion

I hope you have enjoyed the 3-part series of Dealing with Anger.  We have looked at WHAT anger is, WHY we choose to react with anger, and HOW we can deal with anger.  In my next post, I will share a little more about why teaching and disciplining with love is more productive and effective than teaching and disciplining with fear.

If you have found this blog helpful to you, do share it with your friends!  Thank you.

Happy Parenting!!

Update: You can read the first two parts of the Dealing with Anger series here:
Part 1: What is Anger
Part 2: Why We Choose Anger

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The Thing About Yelling…

Yelling. A very common parenting tool.

“LET’S GO!”

“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”

“GO TO BED!”

“GO SHOWER!”

And the list goes on.

Unfortunately, yelling is not an effective parenting tool. Because if it were effective, we wouldn’t find ourselves yelling about the same thing over and over again.

Why is it not effective? Because it puts us on “fight” mode. Our children then see us as a threat which leads to them flipping on THEIR “fight” switch (they start rebelling more) or they flip on their “flight” mode (they start feeling depressed)

It is sooooo tempting to yell. I know. Cos I used to be a yeller. BIG TIME yeller.

Look, I didn’t yell for no reason. I knew constant yelling was useless because it only made the kids tune out, which meant I would have to get louder and louder to get their attention. No. I had reserved my yelling for when I needed their immediate corrective action.

I became a yeller when I first became a parent. And I yelled even more when I had my second child, C. I yelled because the kids weren’t listening when I talked to them nicely. They weren’t doing what they were told. I got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I got mad. I felt my role as a parent being threatened. So I yelled, to get their attention, to show them I’m the boss, to tell them that’s it, no more warnings. And when I yelled, I typically startled myself. Yes, I was LOUD!

And one day, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. I saw something that should never be expressed in the eyes of young children. I saw immense fear in C’s eyes. She was just a tiny preschooler then. It was as if she had seen a monster. And I realised I was that monster.

Then I remembered. Yes, remembered because it is something I have always known but tend to forget when I am upset. I remembered my little ones were just children. They were still learning. Their brains were not mature enough to control their impulses. It was natural that they slipped up repeatedly.

I knew If I yelled every time they slipped up, they would start tuning me up. They might even start ganging up against me. So I ONLY yelled occasionally. But if I yelled when I felt it was the last straw, I became the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, unpredictable in my children’s eyes. I became my daughter’s biggest monster.

That was when I consciously veered away from yelling and researching for other more effective tools.

That was almost a decade ago. Did I still yell after that? Yes. With diminishing frequency, but yes, I still yelled. It took great discipline and self control on my part to not yell but teach and guide calmly.

In the last 5 years or so, I am glad I did not “explode” more than a couple of times. My breakthrough came earlier this year when I managed to control myself from yelling when I discovered my daughter (yes, the same one mentioned above) disregarded my rule for online safety and as a result became a victim of online grooming. 

My daughter, my C, taught me to stop yelling. She was, and still is, my teacher. In fact, all my children are my greatest teachers. Because of them, I have become a much better human being.

For that, I am grateful.

What about you? Have you learned something because of your children? Pls share in the comments below.

Happy Parenting!

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LAUNCHED! Decoding Your Child Book

The months of writing and editing Decoding Your Child finally came to fruition with a successful book launch on Apr 8, 2018.

So many friends came to support the launch. We even had a young couple who saw the event advertisement online and turned up. They are not even parents yet! How wonderful it is for young couples to learn ahead what parenting entails. I am sure this young couple will be well equipped with parenting skills and know-how when they become parents.

The idea of being prepared for parenting is so critical to the success of our children. When we are prepared, our parenting journey becomes smoother.  Not only that, when our parenting journey is smooth, everything tends to flow more easily. Why? Because when we encounter problems with our children, our lives suffer, our relationship with our spouse suffers, our relationships with our parents and our parents-in-law also suffer. Parenting challenges affect our productivity and effectiveness at work too.

There is a Confucian saying, “Tidy up the family. Rule the country. Conquer the world.” In other words, to do great work, our family unit needs to be first taken care of. When our foundation is stable and strong, we can build “empires”. Hence, parenting is critical to our success.

Why Decode Our Children?

To parent successfully, and for everything in our lives to flow more smoothly, we need to decode our children. Why?

With decoding, there is understanding.
With understanding, there is empathy.
With empathy, there is acceptance.
With acceptance, there is patience.
With patience, there is tenderness.
With tenderness, there is connection.

And when there is connection…
…MAGIC happens.

When there is connection, there is cooperation.
When there is cooperation, there are less disciplinary issues.
When there are less disciplinary issues, parenting becomes a breeze.
When parenting becomes a breeze, life becomes easier
When life becomes easier, everyone is happier.

That’s when everyone is transformed.

And it all starts with DECODING YOUR CHILD.

Deepest Gratitude

I have so many people to thank for this successful launch.

Firstly, I must thank my family, without whom I will not even have a book to write. Juay has been my foundation, offering unwavering support and encouragement, doing everything needed to get the books printed and the venue all set up. My three children have done superbly as well. My teens helped man the various stations during the launch, registering guests and entertaining the children who were present at the launch. And my little one occupied herself and never once interrupted my talk and Q&A session. Thank you, darlings, for being the wind beneath my wings.

Next, I want to thank my sister Wendy Kwek. She is my mentor and sounding board for practically everything. She too worked hard behind the scene to help ensure the books turned out nicely and that the launch was a success. Thank you, jie, for always thinking about how to support my work and for covering my blindspots.

I also want to say big “Thank You” to my extended family who turned up for the book launch. Thank you, Michael and Susan Lau for the beautiful flowers. Thank you, Maureen Tan for your yummilicious cake. Thank you Angela Lau, Andrea Lau, Nicole Tan and Noah Tan for your purchases! It’s so heartwarming to be enveloped in your love and support during this milestone of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

My deepest appreciation to many friends who chipped in to help: Patrick Koh for helping to find lost sheep and ushering them to the venue, Willie Yeo for helping with photography, Uantchern for the use of his cosy venue, and many many more who helped out but I was too distracted sharing with the guests and signing books to thank you individually. Thank you all for being such wonderful angels! 😛

The launch would definitely have not succeeded if not for ALL THE GUESTS who took the time on a Sunday afternoon to be there. So thank you, thank you, thank you, to each and everyone of you who were there! I was not expecting a full house turnout on a precious Sunday afternoon, but you guys came!! Thank you!!

Last but not least, my biggest THANK YOU goes to my mom, Doris Lau. How I wish she could be here to witness the book launch. She was the first person to ever ask me write a book years ago when I was sending her monthly journals of my parenting journey because we were living overseas. Mommy, I know you can see me from the heavens and I can feel your love. I love you and I miss you so much! Thank you for always believing in me.

GET YOUR COPY NOW!

Those of you who missed the Book Launch, fret not. The book is available for sale online. For a limited time, you can get yours at a special Book Launch SALE price.

Use the coupon code: BookLaunch2018. The coupon code expires on 16 Apr 2018 (UTC: +8:00)

Seize the opportunity!  Get your copy here: https://decodingyourchild.com/product/decoding-your-child/

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Internet Safety For Kids (Part 1) ~ Identifying Online Groomers

On Feb 6, 2018, I was invited to attend Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google and I had written a short post about it on my Decoding Your Child Facebook Page:

Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google.

Heard from a strong panel about what parents can do to ensure internet safety for their children. What can we do about our children’s incessant gaming or addiction to their devices? What do we do if our children experience cyberbullying?

Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.

A great quote:
“Rules with relationship lead to response.
Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

 That is so true. If our relationship and connection with our children is broken, they will rebel against any rules we establish.

However, if our relationship with them is strong, if our connection with them is strong, it means there is trust, love and respect between our children and us. Then they will be more willing to respect the boundaries we set and be more open to the mediation strategies listed in the photo below.

So let us all strive to decode our children. Let us understand them so we can support their love and passion. When our children know we are on their side, they will naturally be drawn to us for guidance.

And I had signed off with my signatory, “Happy parenting!”

Pride Before Fall

There I was feeling rather positive that I had protected my children from cyberbullying. I was rather pleased with myself for turning my son’s “addiction” to gaming into a passion for programming and for limiting my daughter’s time on MineCraft. I was so confident my teens were safe on the internet. After all, they were not allowed to play online games with people whom they did not know, or in the case of MineCraft, they were not allowed to play with chats on. As far as I knew, my son was still coding in Khan academy and my teenage daughter played MineCraft hosted on my son’s server. There had definitely been no indication of cyberbullying going on. Yes, they were internet-safe. I was certain they would obey my internet rules since I had explained extensively to them the dangers of the internet.  Besides, my emotional connection with my children is strong. They would tell me if something were amiss.

Unfortunately, I could not have been more mistaken.

Rude Awakening

After I posted my FB post and got home, I went to check in with the children. My son, as usual, was coding. My teen daughter was busy tapping away on her phone. As soon as she saw me, she put her phone down. Something felt off. So out of curiosity, I asked her for her phone.

“Why?” she asked. I told her I had just attended an internet safety talk and I wanted to be sure about her and her brother’s safety online. Since she was no longer on the phone, I would like to see what she had been doing on it.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” was her reply. She had never expressed resistance to my requests for “spot checks” on any of her devices or her computer before. Her demeanour now was making me extremely worried.

“I’m sorry I must. To be safe. Please.” I said. Reluctantly, she handed me her phone. “I’d rather you didn’t, mom,” she repeated.

“I must. I’m sorry,” I replied as I took her phone with an empathetic look.

As I was going through the list of persons she had been WhatsApping with, a new message notification popped up. It was from an app I had never seen appeared. The icon that flashed looked like a blue game console. I caught sight of the word, “Discord”. The message disappeared before I read it.

Curious, I went hunting for it. I asked my teens what Discord was and my son told me it was an app for online chat. Online chat? What was that about? I scrolled through my daughter’s phone to find the app and found it hidden on the second page of a cluster of apps named, “Unused”. It was intentionally stored in a place where I would least likely check.

I opened the app to read the chats. It had started about 6 weeks ago, and it took me about 14 hours to get through every single message. Needless to say, I was horrified by what I discovered.

Was My Daughter Being “Groomed”?

I had read about internet dangers like online grooming. That was why I had forbidden my children from playing any online games with people whom they did not know in real life. And I had explained to them why as well as the presence of dangers like grooming. Never in a million years did I expect that any of my children could be subjected to it.

The first message had started 6 weeks ago. As I read the series of messages, I kept seeing comments that raised red flags. Was my daughter being groomed?

What is Grooming?

According to National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in United Kingdom, “grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking.” I confess I do not know the intention of this person who has been contacting my daughter, but I do recognize the signs of grooming. Below were the signs I flagged.

Signs of Grooming

1) Moving from public chat room to private chat
This is the first sign of grooming. Groomers want to “work their magic” in private. Once they manage to get the child into a private chat platform, they can say whatever they want and manipulate the child without anyone the wiser.

That was how it happened for my daughter. She “met” this person, let’s call her X, on an online chat while playing MineCraft. Yes, she should have known better than to turn on the online chat. Unfortunately, in her naiveté, she did not know better. X seemed nice enough. X was helpful on the chat forum. By moving to the private chat, they could talk to each other without clogging up the public chat forum. What harm could there be?

2) Planting insidious seeds of negativity against the parents
Groomers typically plant seeds of negativity against the parents or trusted adults of the child. They sow seeds of discord and distrust to alienate the child and gain the trust of the child. As the grooming progresses, their attacks against the child’s trusted adults get more frequent and vicious.

I was surprised that within the first day of private chatting, X had planted a seed of negativity against my husband and me. It was a very subtle, almost inconspicuous side comment. My daughter had complained about the behaviour issues my preschooler had and X commented, “that’s the kind of things they learn from school or bad parents (emphasis is mine).” It was only Day 1 and X had already launched the first volley of attack.

After a few days, X referred to us as “the monsters” and called me “mean”. Within a month, I was “manipulative” for restricting my daughter’s access to MineCraft. X even wrote an entire essay on why I was “cruel, selfish and irresponsible and uncaring.” The barrage of accusations had left me breathless and incredulous. How could someone who did not even know me write about me with so much venom and hatred?

It did not end there. X even told my daughter that by law, when my girl turned 16, X could adopt her regardless of whether my husband or I agreed to it or not. And X would do that for her because X would not be the horrible parents that we were.

3) Fishing for information about the child
Now that there is a potential victim who is separated from the crowd, into a private chat platform, groomers need to know more about the potential victim. Instead of asking for information directly which would raise alarms in the victim, groomers will gently fish for information like age, name, location, school, etc.

X was smooth and praised the public chat forum of the MineCraft server they were on (no, they were not on my son’s server) for keeping users anonymous in order to protect the identity of all the users. X started talking about their avatars and how that could also help maintain anonymity. My daughter, being the trusting girl that she is, happily described herself. By the end of week 2, X knew everything about our family, including how we looked like. (yes my daughter sent X photos of the family.) The only saving grace here was my daughter refused to divulge our address despite repeated enticement from X that she would receive gifts in the mail if she would tell X her address.

4) Pushing for voice calls, then video calls
How would groomers authenticate the identity of their potential victims. How would the groomers know if the victim is indeed a child and not another groomer? How would they know if this child looks appealing? The best way is to do a video call so they can see for themselves. But to request for a video call right away would seem hasty and raise suspicions. So they will start by first suggesting voice calls, and when familiarity is increased, video calls. No only will the video show how the child looks like, it will also show the environment and setting of where the computer is and how much privacy the child has when online. In addition, once the child is comfortable doing video chats, the groomers could potentially get the child to do all kinds of stuff in front of the camera.

X was smart. The first few voice calls were “wonky”. My daughter could not hear X. When X’s voice sounded “robotic”, X’s reason was Discord (the app) was unstable. Finally, after several weeks, the voice issue was sorted out. My daughter could hear X (I suspect by then X had a voice changer installed properly). And a couple weeks later, X asked for video chats. In the video, X appeared to be who she said she was, an elderly lady who had difficulty walking. To me, she looked like an oversized man with a wig (X had sent my girl photos of herself).

5) Sowing ideas of meeting
In the case of online grooming, where the groomers do not know the physical location of the potential victim, they will casually plant an idea of a meet up. Over the duration of the grooming, they will suggest it more and more frequently until a request or suggestion for a meetup seems almost natural.

As the weeks passed, X would keep planting notions that it would be so awesome if they could meet. Or if my daughter were old enough and had enough money, she could fly to X.

6) Being the first to warn about groomers
The first one to raise a suspicion tends to appear less suspicious. Groomers are psychological experts. They know that to allay the fears of their victim, they need to be the first to raise the dangers of internet groomers. If they raise it first, their victim will naturally think they cannot be groomers. After all, who would want to be the whistle blower of their own crime?

And that was exactly what X did. Very early in their chats, X wrote, “I sound like some creep trying to gain your friendship and confidence to meet up and kidnap you.” If X could outright talk about online “kidnappers”, surely she (assuming she’s a she) can’t be one, right?

7) Suggesting to move to other “play” platforms
Groomers typically do not work alone. They have a network for which they help one another “snare” victims. If they know the physical location of their victim, they could redirect the victim to another platform where groomers from the victim’s location hang out. The “introducer” can get a fee for it.

Within a week of chatting, X suggested for my daughter to play on another server. When that failed despite repeated prompting, X introduced her to another group game where gamers exchange resources to get what they need. That would require my girl to interact with even more strangers, strangers X knew and could potentially, by transference of trust, get my girl to trust them. Luckily, my daughter was not interested.

8) Paving the way for appearance of a man
If the groomers had presented themselves as females to their potential victims, there is a high likelihood they would want to introduce a man into the picture. In fact, they would want their victim to believe this man to be someone whom the groomers trust and love. That would help with the transference of trust and reduce the suspicion or hesitancy of their victim accepting this new male figure.

Within 2 days of chatting, X casually mentioned something about sending a man of my girl’s dream into her path. The whole sowing was so well planned. First, X talked about how awesome her husband was. Then when my daughter commented how nice it was that X had a great husband, X casually tossed in the “fantasy” of sending a nice man to my girl. Over the course of the 6 weeks, X would hint that it would be great if X’s husband met up with my daughter. X even mentioned her husband was ok with her spending the night with a male friend. I presumed X was paving the way to tell my daughter it would be ok to spend the night with her husband should he appear.

In fact, on several occasions, the person who appeared on the chats identified himself as X’s husband. It was disturbing because there was really no way to tell who was in the chat until that person said he was the husband.

9) Establishing trust with the child
How do groomers establish trust so quickly with their victim? Simple. They are quick to identify similarities in interests, experience, possessions, even illness, to say, “Look, we are so alike. No wonder we click. We are best buddies.” That helps to draw their victim closer to them.

Time and again, X was very quick to point out how identical she was with my daughter. From objects like books, to interests in art, to physical ailments, to experiences with betrayal by friends, to everything under the sun., whatever my daughter mentioned, X exclaim how alike they were. Call me a skeptic, but the occurrence of similarities between the two of them was way too high to be coincidental.

10) Building deep connections with the child
Groomers can be really caring and nurturing, or appear to be so. They will dig for things that trouble their victim and offer comfort to them. They will praise and flatter their victims and lament why no one (ie the other adults in the child’s life) else saw the strengths of the child. They make themselves appear to be the one and only person who cares about and love the child, who will protect the child. They make everyone else the villain. Because of their showering of love and concern of their victim, the latter gets emotionally drawn towards their groomers.

I guess I didn’t have to elaborate on this with X. She was really good at showering attention on my girl. Apparently, X was on a different time zone and she made it very clear that she would stay up to chat with my daughter anytime she needed X. X would comfort my girl when she was sad, and berate others (ie me) for making life miserable for my daughter. She was very effective at showing she was on my girl’s side and she would fight all monsters for her. How could one not feel loved by and connected to someone like that?

11) Identifying the level of isolation of the child
Groomers know if their victim has a strong relationship with other adults in her life, there is a likelihood the victim will, at some point, turn to these other adults for help when she is unsure of how to respond to the groomers requests. Hence, they will attempt to figure out how isolated their victim is. If the victim is not isolated enough, they will resort to attack those close to the victim till she feels totally lonely and has no one else left except the groomers themselves.

And that was what X did. When she first started badmouthing me and blaming me for not allowing my girl to go on MineCraft, my daughter had defended me and explained why that had happened. However, as the days passed, X would add a comment here and there and illustrate how unreasonable I was. As a teen, it was understandable, at least to me, why it was appealing for my daughter to see me in that light. So by and by, my daughter turned against me. Through it all, X kept asking if there was anyone at all that my daughter could go to. And repeated, my daughter said she only had X.

12) Threatening to spill the beans
Grooming is a psychological game. After establishing that the victim is completely isolated and dependent on the groomers, they would then threaten, either seriously or jokingly, to tell the secret to their victim’s parents. Out of fear, their victim will toe the line and play by their rules.

Yes, X did that, multiple times. Sometimes the threats came across as jokes. Sometimes they sounded like threats. X even planting the fear that she had a private investigator searching for my girl and that this private investigator could tell me everything. Knowing my daughter, she would never want me to know of this secret because she knew she was not supposed to be playing MineCraft with chat on. She was afraid that if I found out, I would ban her from playing MineCraft or that I would confiscate all her devices so she would not be able to interact with X. Naturally, she grew more compliant as the chat went on.

Conclusion

So there you have it, the 12 signs I identified from the chats that looked like X was grooming my daughter. What would you do if you were in my position?

I will share what I did with my discovery in my next blog post Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2)) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Undoing the Work of a “Teacher”

I spent some time reconnecting with my little preschooler who hasn’t seen me last 4 days because of my intense training program. What she said broke my heart.

A said, “Teacher Vanee has left. She went to another school. K1 (Kindergarten 1st year) is too boring, and the naughty boy doesn’t listen.”

I was taken aback by her comment so I asked her what made her think that’s why the teacher had left.

“That’s what Teacher Vanee said to us. She said she is leaving because K1 is too boring and the naughty boy doesn’t listen,” she explained.

So many alarms screamed at me that, for a moment, I didn’t know how to react. After a deep breath and a pause, I decided to begin with the “naughty” boy.   I know exactly which boy A is referring to because she has spoken of him often. The boy who can’t sit still. The boy who is rough. The boy who hits. The boy who shouts at his classmates. Basically, the boy whom the teacher calls “naughty boy”.

The “Naughty” Boy
This little boy, Z, is brought to and from school every morning by his grandmother. It is obvious his grandmother loves him because I have seen her hug him occasionally when he cries while waiting in line for the classroom door to open. But more often, I hear her abusing him verbally, calling him names. I have seen her lift her hand to him and he flinched (a sign he has been frequently hit). I have even seen, from a distance, her hitting him. The one time I intervened was when we were walking to school and they were right in front of us. She had scolded him, “You are so naughty. Nobody likes you. Even your teacher doesn’t like you.” When the boy attempted to hug her, she shoved him away. “I also don’t like you,” she responded in disgust.

Here was a small little 5-year-old being verbally hurt by his caregiver, someone whom he loves. And when he sought some comfort from her, she had shoved him off with a hurtful comment laced with repulsion. That tore my heart and I asked her why she spoke to him that way. We had a little conversation and she justified her own behaviour.

It’s hard to teach someone who doesn’t want to learn. So I ended with “He is just a kid and he needs love.” Ever since, that grandmother has made sure she keeps a distance from me when sending her grandson to school.

I have, on many occasions, asked A to stop calling or referring to Z as “naughty boy”. But I understand it’s hard for her do so because that’s what she hears everyday in school. So after A’s comment about why her teacher was leaving, I asked A to stop calling Z “naughty”. I explained that he behaved the way he did because he had not been taught correctly how to behave. He may have been taught how to behave, but because he is not taught properly, he still hasn’t learned.

His Mistake Was Mirroring
I explained to A that the reason she doesn’t shout at or hit her friends at school is because she is taught that yelling and hitting other people is wrong. Not only is she taught that those behaviour is not acceptable, she also doesn’t see anyone at home yelling or hitting. What she experiences at home is the same as what she is taught. So she learns.

But for Z, it is different. Yes, he is definitely taught not to shout at or hit his friends. Umpteen times.  But he is being shouted at and hit, not only at home, but in public as well. So he is confused. He doesn’t understand why he can’t do what his grandmother (and perhaps other members in the household) does. And when he is confused, he just mirrors the behaviour he always sees, which is shouting at and hitting people.

The Boy Needs Love
I also told A that Z needs a lot of love. I told her if Z is nasty to her, she can protect herself by walking away and telling the teacher. But before she does that, she needs to tell Z, “My mom says you need love and I need to be kind to you. But it doesn’t mean you can shout at/hit me.” A nodded her head and she repeated the sentence several times. With each repetition, her eyes teared more.

I asked her if she felt sad for Z and she said yes. She also said Z was sad that Teacher Vanee was leaving.

I explained that he is sad because he loves Teacher Vanee. And he is sad because he believes it is he who drove Teacher Vanee away. I told A that my heart breaks for Z.

Why The Teacher Left
Next I told A that Teacher Vanee did not leave because school was boring or that Z was naughty. Teacher Vanee could have left because she found a school that gives her more money, or she found a school which is more enjoyable for her, or she found a school closer to her home.

“No GOOD teacher would leave simply because one child does not listen. A GOOD teacher will do everything in her power to help the child, to teach the child. And no GOOD teacher will leave because school is boring. A GOOD teacher will MAKE her class and lessons fun.” In fact, I told her I am glad Teacher Vanee has left because I have long felt she is not a suitable teacher for preschoolers. I am glad she found another job which suits her better and I hope she is not teaching preschoolers.

Impact on the Children
My heart remained heavy for the day. I feel sorry that Z will live under the guilt of chasing his teacher away. I feel sorry for her students who now will see their K1 life as boring (because their teacher had said so).

I am glad Teacher Vanee has left my daughter’s school, but I dread the impact she would have on her new students.

– Vivian Kwek –