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When Children Show Signs of Depression

 

Has your child become more withdrawn or turned more aggressive and violent? Has he become increasingly whiny, clingy or dependent? Has he, on a regular basis, resisted going to school? Does he constantly complain of headaches or stomachaches?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “yes”, chances are your child COULD BE going through a depressive episode. Statistics show that about 1 in 5 children go through a depressive episode while growing up. Teens, unfortunately, suffer higher rates of depression compared to younger children.

Before we go any further, let us first understand what depression is and what this post aims to achieve.

What Is Depression?

Clinically, depression is a sustained depressed mood. It is not an occasional sadness or depressed mood that most of us feel from time to time. Most depression lasts between 7-9 months, though in some cases, it could last for years.

Depression is typically accompanied not only by a feeling of sadness, but also a loss of interest in most activities or a sense of unworthiness and/or guilt. In more severe cases, frequent thoughts of deaths/suicides occur.

The psychological state of depression is typically manifested physically as constant fatigue or physical aches, sudden changes in sleep patterns as well as sudden weight loss/gain. In severe cases, attempts at suicide are also committed.

This Post Does Not Offer Medical Advice

This post is NOT intended to offer medical advice on depression as I have neither the medical knowledge nor expertise to do that. Should your child suffer from prolong or severe depression, my advice would be for you to seek medical intervention for your child immediately.

If you aren’t sure if your child is suffering from depression but you feel that something is amiss, I’d strongly encourage you to seek medical advice nonetheless. It might well be the case that your child needs medical intervention and/or counseling. When it comes to the well-being of our children, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

So if I am not dealing with the medical intervention of depression, what then is this post about?

What We Can Do To Help Our Children

My aim is to share with adults (parents and teachers) strategies we can use when our children exhibit depressive symptoms, with the assumption that medical advice has been sought.  As the adults who have the most interaction with our children, both parents and teachers play significant roles in making or breaking our children.

Regardless of whether our children are going through a depressive phase or suffering from an actual full blown case of depression, there are many things we can do to support them. I believe that given the right support, our children can get out of that state more easily. So what can we do to elevate their feelings?

1) Show Them Love and Support

The first thing we can do is to show our children love and support.

Talk to them and let them know without a doubt that they are NOT alone. Many times, children feel depressed when they think they are alone in dealing with their problems, when they think no one cares, or when they feel unsupported. Letting our children know we are with them always, especially through bad times, is a significant boost to their morale and confidence.

Be available to listen to them and resist giving them advice. Let them work out their emotions and feelings, allow them to get things off their chests.

Just by being there for them, showing them we love them and that we will always support them will help them climb out of the darkness more quickly and easily.

2) Accept Our Children For Who They Are

Acceptance is key to letting our children feel they are worthy. They do not feel the need to be someone else. They do not feel they have to be perfect.

Accepting our children for who they are does not mean we just let them be and allow them to run wild without guidance. That would be irresponsible of us.

Instead, accepting our children means we love them with their strengths AND we love them with their limitations. It means loving them with their flaws and all.

As responsible parents and teachers, we can and should help our children gradually strengthen themselves and overcome limitations. But our children should at no time feel unworthy because they are imperfect.

Our love is not conditional upon them overcoming their limitations.

3) Reduce Stressors In Our Children’s Lives

Many times, especially when our children become teens, they encounter so much stress it becomes unbearable. It can be made worse if parents and teachers pile on so much expectations on them that the latter can hardly breathe.

When our children struggle to perform under stress and find themselves failing or not doing as well as expected, feelings of self doubt or unworthiness could creep up. Left to fester, it could lead to severe depression.

When we sense that our children are under too much pressure and they begin to show signs of depression, one of the best things we can do is to remove as many stressors as possible. That could mean reducing the number of enrichment programs or assignments. It could also mean laying off well-intentioned “scoldings”. It could also mean giving more free time for our children to relax and regroup.

As the Chinese saying goes, “Rest is necessary for a long journey.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with rest. It is ok to have free time throughout the day to idle and recuperate. We do not have to pack every single moment of our children with enrichment, practice or homework.

When we allow our children downtime daily, yes DAILY, they will be able to unwind and de-stress themselves. That way, any stress our children feel have a chance to dissipate and they won’t feel bogged down emotionally and psychologically. That will result in them have a better mental health and not be susceptible to depression.

Conclusion

Depression is on the rise amongst children, and more notably, in teens. As parents and teachers, we can do our part to alleviate the problem by showing unconditional love for, unwavering support to and total acceptance of our children.

When we are sensitive to our children, we will be mindful not to load them with excessive stress and we will be gentler in our interactions with them. When our children feel love, supported and accepted, they will thrive. And given enough breathing room, they will blossom.

Are you willing to give your children room to grow and bloom?

– Vivian –

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5 Ways Young Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 2)

In my previous post, I talked about why our teens behave like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums and exerting their need for independence even though they cannot manage or handle that independence. I also shared some strategies on how parents can manage these issues. If you missed that post, you can find it here. In this post, we will look at more ways our young teens are like toddlers and what we can do to help them.

3) The Need For Transition Time

How many of you feel frustrated that when you give a command to your teen to do his homework, take a shower or go to bed NOW, you are met with either indifference or a temper tantrum? Well, you are not alone.

Like toddlers, our young teens are very absorbed in whatever it is they are currently doing. Like toddlers, our young teens cannot transition from one activity to another at the drop the hat, even though a year or two ago, or even a month ago, they could do it. Like toddlers, our young teens need transition time.

What is going on?

Like toddlers, our young teens want to be in control. Making them move from one activity to another without warning makes them feel out of control. And of course, that triggers resistance in them.  And when they feel resistance, they will put up a fight.

What could parents do?

Even as adults, we DO NOT LIKE to be interrupted and told to drop whatever it is we are doing to go on to the next thing. Yet we CAN do it. We may not like it, but we can definitely do it. That is because logically, we understand why we need to move on. Emotionally, we are able to control our displeasure. So we do what needs to be done even if we are not happy about it. But it is very different in the case of our teens. Logically, they may understand why they need to move on. Emotionally, however, they are unable to control their displeasure. And I would like to stress the lack of control is not their fault. So they WILL flare up.

The way to manage transitions then is to give sufficient warning so it does not come as a shock to our teens. I typically give three warnings to my teen. The first warning (usually 20-30 mins prior) lets him know that he has limited time left on what he is doing and he needs to start wrapping up. The second warning (usually 5-10 mins prior) lets him know the transition is inevitable and eminent and he HAS TO wrap things up SOON. By the time he hears the third warning (which is “Ok, time’s up, let’s move on”), he knows he has been given the opportunity to wrap things up. Whether he did it or not was his choice. What he gets is he was given a choice to wrap up whatever it was he was doing. And if he did not, he has less reasons to get mad. He was in control of how he wanted to leave the activity he was doing. I have found using the 3-warning system to be very effective in getting his cooperation on moving on to the next thing with minimal temper flare ups.

4) The Need For Routine

As our children grow up, we become more lax and allow them leeway in doing what they need to do. We think they are old enough to get their school work done. We believe they are sensible enough to know they need to brush their teeth twice a day and get a daily shower, with shampoo and soap. We are certain they know what time to go to bed and will go to bed when the time comes. Then we realize when they hit the early teen years, that most, if not all, of these things do not get done automatically, even though these were things that they have been doing on their own since they were 5 or 6 years old.

What is going on?

When our children hit the early teen years, they become highly distractable. They lose track of time and have an over-inflated confidence of what they can achieve. Combine all these traits and we get young teens who procrastinate on school work until it is too late to get it all done. We also get young teens who forget to brush their teeth or take a shower, not because they are lazy or dirty, but because they honestly thought they had already done it. No kidding!

What could parents do?

All of us thrive better with routine, even as adults. It is less stressful when we know what is coming up next. We know it helps our toddlers. For our young teens, it is even more critical. With the distractions they encounter all the time, routines help them anchor passage in time. As much as they may resist the structure, we need to put routines back in their lives, and remind them constantly to stick to those routines. The important thing is for us to design the routine with our teens’ inputs. And then it is up to US to help them stick to their chosen routine.

5) The Struggle With Sleep

Sleep. A hot topic amongst parents with little ones and parents of teens. Remember the time when our little ones gave up naps, were cranky all the time and yet refused to go to bed? Then our children hit early teens, and it feels like déjà vu, except this time, the bedtime battles seem bigger and more difficult to manage. Our teens refuse to go to bed at bedtime. Then they cannot wake up in the morning because they have gone to bed too late the night before. We may force, cajole, coax, bribe, threaten them to get them to bed but it is useless.

What is going on?

Blame it on the hormones and the shift in the circadian rhythm of our young teens. Generally, the teens stay awake 2 hours longer than when they were younger. That, together with the workload they have and the stress they face, their ability to fall asleep at the desired time decreases.

What could parents do?

Lovingly establish a routine, with your teen, and stick to it. It helps our teens to know what to expect. Sometimes they are so distracted and disoriented they do not know what to do, so they continue doing what they have been doing and “forget” to sleep. It definitely helps to establish the routine with our teens inputs. Have THEM work backwards what time they need to sleep based on what time THEY think they need to wake up and how many hours THEY think they need to sleep.

What if they say they need 5 hours of sleep? Agree to it. We know they need more, but for now, let us agree to it. Then ensure they go to bed at the time THEY decided based on their 5-hour sleep requirement. After a week, review it with them. Did 5 hours of sleep work for them? Did they feel tired and cranky mid-day even if they had fallen asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows and gotten their 5 hours of sleep. If they still felt tired, how many hours do THEY think they should sleep? Revise the time for bed. At the end of each week, review again and see if any changes need to be made.

This is going to take a few weeks. But trust me, when the teens are the ones who make the decisions, they will stick to their decisions better. If we cram our decisions down their throats, they will find all ways and means to circumvent those decisions and they will feel resentful towards us.

The other advantage to this technique is this. By helping our teens come to the right decisions themselves, we are teaching them how to make sound decisions. We are teaching them how to review and modify their decisions so they can achieve their desired outcome. We can use this method to help them make decisions in all aspects of their lives, not just setting the time for bed. In fact, I would caution parents NOT to make decisions for their teens. Do not explain why you made the decision or how you came to the decision. Instead, ask them questions, let them make the decisions, review those decisions after some time to see if they work, and if those did not, let the teens decide what they need to do.

Unlike with toddlers where parents can make most of the decisions, when it comes to teens, we need to step back and help our teens DERIVE the decisions to make.  Other than that, our young teens are like toddlers in many ways. It is a confusing and frustrating time for them.  And they need extra love and attention from us to get through this stage.  Hang in there.  This too shall pass.

–  Vivian –

 

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5 Ways Young Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 1)

We have all heard of the “Terrible Twos”, though personally, I do not feel the twos are terrible. There is also a phrase for teens. Can you guess what it is? Yes, “terrible teens”. But just as I do not believe in the terrible twos, I do not believe in the terrible teens too.

It is my belief that when we understand why our toddlers and teens behave the way they do, we can provide the understanding and support that they need. And once those core needs are met, the developmental phase will be over sooner than if we were to fight their development. And when we give the necessary support to our teens, they, and we, will emerge stronger and more complete.

So, do you feel like your young teen is behaving like a toddler? If you do, congratulations! Your teen is normal and you are not alone. Research has shown that our young teens, despite their physical size, do regress into toddlerhood. So how are they like toddlers?

1) Emotional Outbursts and Temper Tantrums

Most of us know our children have hit adolescence when we experience their explosive tempers. Like toddlers, they flare up when they do not get their way. Like toddlers, they throw a fit when they cannot get something done. Like toddlers, they are prickly and get bothered easily by other people. Little things seem to trigger them and they storm around like little tornadoes. Many times, our young teens feel angry and do not know why. Rest assured this is normal behavior.

What is going on?

Yes, hormones play a big part in the mood swings our young teens experience. But there is actually more going on.

Unlike our toddlers, our young teens are under a lot of stress from school, friends, parents and more. Typically, they are deemed to be young adults, capable of being responsible for their own schedule. However, research studies on the brain have shown that the prefrontal cortex of our young teens are not developed enough to do what we expect of them. They are easily distracted and unable to make or keep to schedule. What results then is a mismatch of our expectations against their capability. Unable to deliver results repeatedly, they feel stressed and demoralised. When we couple that with the hormones surging in their bodies, they cannot control the emotions that flare up as a result.

What could parents do?

It helps for us to understand the physiological and psychological development that our teens are going through. When we understand, we will naturally be more empathetic to our children. We will also then be able to provide appropriate support our children need. This is a time when we need to shower more love on our teens. Actually our children need us to shower love on them ALL THE TIME. But our young teens need even more of our love because they feel bewildered by their own emotional outbursts.

What to do with all those temper tantrums? It is our natural inclination to want to shut down these negative exhibitions of emotions, to insist our children “stop this nonsense” or “get a grip”. However, our teens need to feel safe to express themselves (as long as they do not go overboard with their tantrums). Luckily, most parents understand this has to do with the hormonal development in their young teens and do cut their children more slack.

However, we need to do even more. The answer to helping our teens get over their “tantrum” stage is actually rather counter-intuitive. The more they tantrum, the more love we need to shower upon them. It helps to tell our teens, “I understand you are upset. I’ll leave you alone while you work this through. But I am always available when you need to talk.” First, it signals our sensitivity towards how she is feeling. It also tells her we accept her for who she is. Finally, it lets her know she is not alone, that we are available for her. Then when the storm blows over, we can talk things over and resolve issues together. But at the point of our teen throwing a tantrum, our shutting them down does nothing to help. They may not exhibit their tantrums in the future, but their relationship with us would be severely strained.

Of course, there will be times when their temper tantrums go overboard and they start hitting people or smashing objects. What do we do then? That is the time when we have to draw the line and let them know that is not an acceptable behaviour. We need to be firm when setting this boundary. However, we need to understand that our teens need to physically expel the energy that wells up within them and we can help them redirect their energy into sports. I usually tell my son to go for a run or do some pushups to work off the energy.

2) The Need For Independence

Remember the time when our toddlers want to do everything themselves from putting on their own clothes to tying their own shoes laces? Remember how they disintegrate into tears and tantrums when they cannot do it and yet still refuse any help? Well, our teens go through that too. They want to be independent. They think they know what they need to do. They think they can do it. They want us to stop directing them or controlling them. But what happens? Things do not get done. They get distracted. They forget. They fail to manage their time well enough to do what needs to be done. Then the whole world comes down upon them. Teachers punish them for not getting their school work done. Parents punish them for getting into trouble with school, for not being disciplined enough. And our children fly into a rage. Sounds familiar?

What is going on?

It is a natural and healthy phenomenon for our teens to exert their independence. After all, we cannot baby them all their lives, can we? However, many parents make the mistake of thinking their teens have grown up and hand independence totally to their teens only to realize that their teens keep messing up again and again.

In some ways our teens may appear mature. They can reason. They can think. They know right from wrong. Whether they exhibit that maturity all the time or not is another question. Despite their seemingly mature behavior, the brain power of our young teens is not mature enough to hold on to the prize at the end of their toil. They may know they have a project due at the end of the week, but they are easily distracted. And the reason that happens is because their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is responsible for making decisions, is still under-developed. Even in their distraction, they are not worried about the looming deadline because they strongly believe they have things under control, that they can deliver results. Then before they realize it, the deadline hits them in their faces and it dawns upon them that they cannot do it. Then panic, shame, guilt, and fear grip them. Roll these emotions up with their hormones and their lack of self control, we get an emotional eruption.

What could parents do?

Again, understanding what our teens are going through and understanding why they are doing what they are doing help a great deal. It does not make the teens right in behaving or reacting the way they do. It just helps us manage our own expectations and realize our teens actually need more help than they, or even we, think.

Many parents believe that once our children hit the teen years, they should be mature enough to manage themselves and their school work. That cannot be further away from the truth. Our 11 and 12 year-olds are more capable of self discipline and time management than when they reach 13 and 14 years old. And yes, I am talking about the same child. That is why parents are typically taken aback by the “slacking” they observe in their young teens. However, research has shown that this regression is normal. Unfortunately, it is highly counter-intuitive to parents that when their children hit the teen years, they need more supervision and guidance than they did a year or two ago. Many parents resist and resent having to give that extra supervision. “You are old enough to….” is a common adage we hear from parents when they talk to their teens. That is why  understanding how the teens’ brains develop and understanding how they think will help us a great deal in helping and supporting our teens.

So how do we support our teens in their quest for independence? On the one hand, we need to acknowledge that we must grant them independence. The more we suppress their independence, the more they will fight for and struggle for it. On the other hand, we know they cannot manage total independence. It is a fine balance between giving our teens the independence they need and ensuring we hold the reins tight enough for them to get things done.

So what should we do?

Threats and punishments for non-compliance have little or no effect in changing our teens’ behavior, which is why parents tend to get really exasperated. What our teens need from us at this stage is our guidance even if they hate to ask for or to get it from us. One solution is to give them freedom to decide what to do when it is their free time (as long as it is not illegal or morally wrong). However, when it comes to important stuff, like their school work or their safety, we need to micromanage a little more. Our children have reached the age where, unfortunately, we need to provide constant vigilance. We cannot leave them alone and trust they can get things done. Our constant vigilance will include giving them reminders, asking them to show us what has been done on a daily basis, or even sitting down with them while they get their work done.

When we understand why we need to reinvest the time and energy on our teens to keep them on track, we will be less resentful and more empathetic. Our teens will sense our acceptance of them and be grateful to us for being there when they need us. Of course, they will not realize this till they are in their twenties, but we are parenting for the long term, aren’t we?

In my next post, I will cast light on more ways our teens are like toddlers. Stay tuned to understand why our young teens behave the way they do and what we can do to support them.

Till the next time, dig deep into your reserve for patience and empathy. Do share with us whether the two strategies above help you understand and manage your young teen a little better.

– Vivian –

PS: Continue here for 5 Ways Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 2)

 

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Decoding Your Child

Thank you for following our blog Decoding Your Child. “Why name the blog Decoding Your Child?” you may ask. The reason is two-fold. This blog post will touch on the first reason.

Firstly, the purpose of the blog is to help you decode YOUR child. Decoding someone means truly understanding him/her. When we truly understand our children, we are better able to guide them and help them develop. Decoding someone takes time and effort, and most of all, patience. Patience is a rare virtue in a fast spinning society like ours. We demand efficiency and instant results. If we don’t, someone might surpass us and render us obsolete. At least that is what happens in the economic world. What about in the world of growing children? Can we demand efficiency and instant results?

Farmers Manipulating Crop

Let us for a moment just look at farmers. Can farmers prompt a crop to grow as fast as it can? Of course they can. They load the crops with herbicides, fungicides, unnatural fertilizers etc. They would do anything to get rid of anything that poses as a threat and add anything that will help their crops grow bigger and faster. Heck, they would even genetically modify the plants so their crops can withstand the herbicides and pesticides sprayed on them, or even “better”, they would create plants that kill the pests that eat them. Makes you wonder what happens when we eat those plants, don’t you? But that’s a separate topic for another day.

Farmers Following the Money

Some farmers will also focus on growing crops that make them the most money. When corn was selling well, everyone wanted to grow corn. They cleared their land of other productive but not economically high yield crops to grow corn, thinking the corn will yield them better returns. Then what happened? There was an oversupply of corn. The value of corn plunged and many corn farmers lost the shirts on their backs and went bankrupt. Those who chose not to jump onto the bandwagon of corn growers survived and thrived.

Parents Moulding Their Children

How does farming apply to parenting? Like farming, parenting takes time. It takes cultivation. Like farmers, parents yearn to get rid of as many obstacles as possible, so that their children have the best environment to grow. We do everything in our power to remove anything that distracts our children from doing well in school so they can focus on growing uninterrupted. We do our best to “fertilize” them with enrichment programs. We schedule their days, hours and minutes so every moment is productive. Staring into empty space is unproductive. Go read a book. Doodling is a waste of time. Go do a workbook. What happens then is that our children stop thinking for themselves. They wait for instructions. They are lost and bored when not told what to do. We engineer creativity out of them. And then we wonder, “How can we teach our children to be creative?”

Parents Following the Money

Don’t get me wrong. Parents have the best intentions for their children. I am a parent, I know. We want our children to succeed. We want to help them find the path that leads to success. However, many parents fall into the trap of following the money. Do well in school, get a good job, earn lots of money. What’s a good job? It used to be being a doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, and now a programmer. Let’s all gear our children into those areas. Forget about the less well paying careers of being an artist, actor or sportsperson. What happens? Engineers graduate without an engineering job. Programmers find themselves uncompetitive compared to programmers from other countries. What happened? We pushed our children into a dead-end career and killed their actual passion in the process.

Decode Your Child And Develop Him As He Is

What can we do as parents? Decode our children. Learn what their passions are. Help them develop those passions, even if those passion seem pointless. Case in point. The son of one of my friends loved to surf google map. He spent hours looking at the maps, “visiting” different countries and drove his mom up the wall with his apparent waste of time. Several years later, the knowledge that he gained from his “time-wasting” hobby won him third place in a Geography Bee contest in USA. Where his passion for map reading and learning about countries will lead him in the future remains to be seen. But we know his passion will help him thrive in this area further than someone who is pushed into it.

If your child loves painting, let him paint. Don’t tell him it is a waste of time. You never know if he will become the next Monet or Van Gogh. If your child loves to sing, let her sing. She could be the next Adele. And you know what? She will love her life better doing what she loves than if she were forced to be an engineer, programmer or architect, resigned to being a bathroom singer. When we tell our children, “Don’t sing/paint/play computer games because you can’t make money out of it”, we are programming in our children the inability to make money out of their passion. And guess what, they will NEVER make money out of their passion. But if we help them fan their passion, encourage them to fly as high as they can go with their passion, they might surprise us with their success.

Help Our Children Find Their Hidden Paths

So decode your child. Know him as he is, not what you want him to be. And parent from there. If we want efficiency, the fastest and surest way to success is to follow one’s passion because the one who is walking the path is intrinsically motivated to walk it. And most of the time, the path is already created, just hidden. And our job as parents is to help our children find their hidden paths, not hack a path for them to walk on our behalf.

– Vivian –

 

 

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What To Do When Kids Fight?

Let’s accept one thing. Conflicts are inevitable. Disagreements are bound to arise. Children cannot avoid conflict, nor should they avoid conflict by always giving in. As their parents, teachers/caregivers, we can help them manage the level their conflicts escalate to. More importantly, we can help them manage how they resolve their conflicts.

Some parents/teachers punish the “perpetrator” because he was the one who started it. But that overlooks the possibility that there is an underlying reason that needs addressing. Some parents/teachers punish both, or all, children involved regardless of who started it since it takes two or more to tango. But that creates resentment because a child could just be protecting herself yet she was punished for it. So what can we do when children fight? We teach them how to resolve their conflict, of course. But how?  Here is an example of how to intervene in our children’s conflicts.

A parent hears her two children arguing and fighting. She refrains from intervening to allow the children the opportunity to resolve the issue themselves. When the fight becomes physical, a boundary has been crossed and that is when she decides to intervene.

1) Set Boundaries For Their Words and Actions

When children fight, they can be really mean and spiteful. The first thing we do is to set boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Child 1:     You are always so rude!
Child 2:     You are a selfish brat!
Both:         (physically hit each other)
Parent:     Alright, both of you. You need to stop. Both of you are really upset with each other. I can hear you arguing from the other side of the house and I see you two physically fighting when I got here. In this household, we treat one another with respect. We do not hit, nor do we call one another mean names.  What happened?

Why do this? When we clearly state the boundaries for their words and actions, we reinforce what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t.  By calmly intervening and asking what happened, we role model the behaviour of not jumping into conclusion but seeking clarifications first.

2) Listen to Each Child Without Judgment

Like us, children have reasons for behaving the way they do. Their reasons may not be sound to us. Nonetheless, those reasons have triggered them to behave the way they did. Hence it is important to hear them out. Listen to each child as he/she tells us what happened. Practice active listening by reflecting back what they have told us to ensure we have accurately understood what they have said. It is important to listen impartially to their accounts so they will be open in what they tell us.

Parent:     (To Child 1) Tell me what happened.
Child 1:     He couldn’t find his ruler so he took mine. He did not even ask me if he could! Then he broke it!
Parent:     He took your ruler without your permission when he couldn’t find his. Then he broke your ruler. Is that what happened?
Child 1:     Yes.
Parent:     Thank you for sharing your point of view.

Parent:     (To Child 2) Your sister said you took her ruler without her permission and you broke it. What happened?
Child 2:     She hid my ruler because she was upset I used it to tap on the table.
Child 1:     He was so irritating.
Parent:     (to Child 1) It is his turn to talk. I will come back to you later. Please let him finish. (Back to Child 2) Please continue.
Child 2:     So I took her ruler. Then she threw her eraser at me because I took her ruler. That made me so angry I clenched my fists and broke her ruler. Then she hit me.
Parent:     You took her ruler without asking because she hid yours to stop you from using it to tap on the table. When she threw her eraser at you, you got so angry you broke her ruler. Then she hit you. Is that correct?
Child 2:     Yes.
Parent:     Thank you for sharing your point of view.

Parent:     (To Child 1) Your brother said he took your ruler without asking because you hid his. Is that right?
Child 1:     Yes. I was trying to read my book and he was making so much noise.
Parent:     Thank you.

Why do this? While this looks time consuming, it is an extremely important first step to conflict resolution. When each child feels his side of the story is heard without judgment, he becomes less defensive. The time consuming questioning is deliberate as it allows both angry children to breathe, calm down and think clearly.

3) Help Each Child Reflect On Where His/Her Anger Got Him/Her

Once we have established what happened from the children, help them see where their emotions got them.

Parent:     (To Child 1) How did you feel when he was tapping his ruler on the table while you were reading?
Child 1:     I was very irritated. I was getting a headache from all that noise.
Child 2:     But you didn’t say anything!
Parent:     (To Child 2) It’s her turn to talk. Please wait for your turn. (To Child 1) Please continue.
Child 1:     So when he went to the bathroom, I kept his ruler.
Parent:     What happened after that?
Child 1:     He couldn’t find his ruler and he took mine.
Parent:     How did you feel then?
Child 1:     I got angry. He is always taking my things without my permission.
Parent:     You got angry. What did you do then?
Child 1:     I threw my eraser at him.
Parent:     Hmm, and he broke your ruler after that.
Child 1:     Yes! I got so mad. That’s my only ruler and he broke it!
Parent:     You got so mad you hit him.
Child 1:     Yes. He deserved it.
Parent:     Thank you for letting me know how you feel. What did you do when you were irritated by his tapping?
Child 1:     I tried to cover my ears with my pillow.
Parent:     Why do you think he took your ruler?
Child 1:     Because he couldn’t find his.
Parent:     Why do you think he broke your ruler?
Child 1:     Because he was mean.
Parent:     Would he have broken your ruler if you didn’t throw the eraser at him?
Child 1:     Maybe.
Parent:     But after you threw the eraser at him, would it make him angry enough to do something, like breaking your ruler?
Child 1:     Yes.

Parent:     (To Child 2) How did you feel when you couldn’t find your ruler?
Child 2:     I knew she had taken it. She took my ruler without my permission. So I just took her ruler. She started taking without permission first.
Parent:     You felt she deserved to be punished so you took her ruler too.
Child 2:     Yes.
Parent:     Why do you think she threw her eraser at you?
Child 2:     Because she is being selfish. She cannot share.
Parent:     How did you feel when she took your ruler without asking?
Child 2:     Upset.
Parent:     You felt upset when she took your ruler without asking.  How do you think she felt when you took her ruler without asking?
Child 2:     Maybe she felt upset too.
Parent:     You were angry when she threw her eraser. Would she have thrown her eraser if you hadn’t taken her ruler without her permission?
Child 2:     No.
Parent:     Would you have broken her ruler if she hadn’t thrown the eraser at you?
Child 2:     No. I have no intention of breaking her ruler at all. I just needed to use it.
Parent:     Let me see if I got this right.  You felt that she deserved to be punished for hiding your ruler so you took her ruler.  But that triggered her to throw her eraser at you which then made you so angry you broke her ruler. What happened after you broke her ruler in anger?
Child 2:     She hit me.

Why do this? This extended conversation allows the children to see how each of their self righteous or angry decision lead from one thing to another. In addition, it also gives the children an opportunity to hear the other side of the story and the reasons behind the emotions and actions the other party exhibited. Just so we are clear, doing so does not  justify their behavior. Instead, we are allowing them to help the other party understand their reactions and letting them understand how their behavior affect one another. This reflection is important as it will help them learn to think through their actions in the future. It will also help them develop social intelligence on why others behave the way they do.

4) Help Each Child Reflect On How The Other Child Felt

After each child has had the opportunity to share why they felt the way they did, and reflect on how their emotions led to the series of events, it is time to help them see things from the other perspective.

Parent:     (To Child 1) How do you think your brother felt when he couldn’t find his ruler after his bathroom break?
Child 1:     Frustrated. He probably knew I took it.
Parent:     How do you think he felt when you threw the eraser at him?
Child 1:     Angry.
Parent:     How do you think he felt when you hit him?
Child 1:     Even angrier.
Parent:     Thank you for putting yourself in his shoes.

Parent:     (To Child 2) How do you think your sister felt when you were tapping your ruler?
Child 2:     She said she was irritated but I was concentrating on my school work and not paying attention to her. I really didn’t know it was bothering her.
Parent:     No need to justify your action, thank you. How do you think she felt when you took her ruler without asking?
Child 2:     She probably didn’t like it. She’s very protective of her belongings.
Parent:     How do you think she felt when she you broke her ruler?
Child 2:     Very mad.
Parent:     Thank you for thinking about how she felt.

Why do this? When children put themselves in the shoes of the other person, it allows them to develop empathy for how the other person feels.

5) Help Them Brainstorm For Peaceful Solutions

After the children have had the chance to think through the impact of their emotions and actions, as well as put themselves in the shoes of the other person, it is timely to help them brainstorm peaceful solutions to prevent a similar occurrence.

Parent:     (To Child 1) What would you do differently next time when your brother does something that bothers you, like tapping his ruler?
Child 1:     I will let him know the sound bothers me.

Parent:     (To Child 2) What would you do when your sister tells you that something you are doing is bothering her?
Child 2:     I will stop.
Parent:     What will you do when you need to borrow something from your sister?
Child 2:     I will ask her for permission first.

Parent:     (To Child 1) What will you do if your brother forgot to ask you for permission before borrowing your things?
Child 1:     I will remind him. I will also try to be generous and share even if he doesn’t ask for my permission, though I would still very much like him to ask first.

Parent:     (To Child 2) Now that you have broken your sister’s ruler, what are you going to do about it?
Child 2:     I will buy her another one to replace it.

Parent:     (To both children) Do you both have anything to say to each other?
Child 1:     I’m sorry for everything, especially for hitting you.
Child 2:     I’m sorry for taking your ruler and breaking it.
Parent:     Thank you both for working through this peacefully. Please remember to put yourselves in each other’s shoes more in the future.

Why do this? This process helps them to be more empathetic and to de-escalate and brainstorm for solutions in the future by themselves. By thinking about how their actions affect the other person, it helps them develop regulate their own emotions and impulse control.

“But This Is So Time Consuming!”

Some of you might be thinking, “But this is too time consuming! I just want my children to stop fighting RIGHT NOW.”

My humble suggestion is to give it a try several times. My children are able to work through most of their conflicts with each other themselves using the same technique. They learned to tell the other sibling how they felt when that other sibling did something that upset them. Many times, the irritations were unintentional and as a result of that communication, the conflicts de-escalated very quickly. More often than not, they would receive an apology. While I still need to intervene occasionally, my involvement in their conflicts have reduced dramatically.

Children are not naturally mean. They just need to be guided on how to manage their conflicts. And as their parents, caregivers and teachers, it is our responsibility to help them through the process of conflict management in a peaceful manner. Needless to say, it is also very important for us, as adults, to manage conflicts peacefully ourselves. The children under our care are always watching what we do.

What peaceful interventions do you use when your children fight?

– Vivian –