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Internet Safety For Kids (Part 1) ~ Identifying Online Groomers

On Feb 6, 2018, I was invited to attend Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google and I had written a short post about it on my Decoding Your Child Facebook Page:

Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google.

Heard from a strong panel about what parents can do to ensure internet safety for their children. What can we do about our children’s incessant gaming or addiction to their devices? What do we do if our children experience cyberbullying?

Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.

A great quote:
“Rules with relationship lead to response.
Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

 That is so true. If our relationship and connection with our children is broken, they will rebel against any rules we establish.

However, if our relationship with them is strong, if our connection with them is strong, it means there is trust, love and respect between our children and us. Then they will be more willing to respect the boundaries we set and be more open to the mediation strategies listed in the photo below.

So let us all strive to decode our children. Let us understand them so we can support their love and passion. When our children know we are on their side, they will naturally be drawn to us for guidance.

And I had signed off with my signatory, “Happy parenting!”

Pride Before Fall

There I was feeling rather positive that I had protected my children from cyberbullying. I was rather pleased with myself for turning my son’s “addiction” to gaming into a passion for programming and for limiting my daughter’s time on MineCraft. I was so confident my teens were safe on the internet. After all, they were not allowed to play online games with people whom they did not know, or in the case of MineCraft, they were not allowed to play with chats on. As far as I knew, my son was still coding in Khan academy and my teenage daughter played MineCraft hosted on my son’s server. There had definitely been no indication of cyberbullying going on. Yes, they were internet-safe. I was certain they would obey my internet rules since I had explained extensively to them the dangers of the internet.  Besides, my emotional connection with my children is strong. They would tell me if something were amiss.

Unfortunately, I could not have been more mistaken.

Rude Awakening

After I posted my FB post and got home, I went to check in with the children. My son, as usual, was coding. My teen daughter was busy tapping away on her phone. As soon as she saw me, she put her phone down. Something felt off. So out of curiosity, I asked her for her phone.

“Why?” she asked. I told her I had just attended an internet safety talk and I wanted to be sure about her and her brother’s safety online. Since she was no longer on the phone, I would like to see what she had been doing on it.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” was her reply. She had never expressed resistance to my requests for “spot checks” on any of her devices or her computer before. Her demeanour now was making me extremely worried.

“I’m sorry I must. To be safe. Please.” I said. Reluctantly, she handed me her phone. “I’d rather you didn’t, mom,” she repeated.

“I must. I’m sorry,” I replied as I took her phone with an empathetic look.

As I was going through the list of persons she had been WhatsApping with, a new message notification popped up. It was from an app I had never seen appeared. The icon that flashed looked like a blue game console. I caught sight of the word, “Discord”. The message disappeared before I read it.

Curious, I went hunting for it. I asked my teens what Discord was and my son told me it was an app for online chat. Online chat? What was that about? I scrolled through my daughter’s phone to find the app and found it hidden on the second page of a cluster of apps named, “Unused”. It was intentionally stored in a place where I would least likely check.

I opened the app to read the chats. It had started about 6 weeks ago, and it took me about 14 hours to get through every single message. Needless to say, I was horrified by what I discovered.

Was My Daughter Being “Groomed”?

I had read about internet dangers like online grooming. That was why I had forbidden my children from playing any online games with people whom they did not know in real life. And I had explained to them why as well as the presence of dangers like grooming. Never in a million years did I expect that any of my children could be subjected to it.

The first message had started 6 weeks ago. As I read the series of messages, I kept seeing comments that raised red flags. Was my daughter being groomed?

What is Grooming?

According to National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in United Kingdom, “grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking.” I confess I do not know the intention of this person who has been contacting my daughter, but I do recognize the signs of grooming. Below were the signs I flagged.

Signs of Grooming

1) Moving from public chat room to private chat
This is the first sign of grooming. Groomers want to “work their magic” in private. Once they manage to get the child into a private chat platform, they can say whatever they want and manipulate the child without anyone the wiser.

That was how it happened for my daughter. She “met” this person, let’s call her X, on an online chat while playing MineCraft. Yes, she should have known better than to turn on the online chat. Unfortunately, in her naiveté, she did not know better. X seemed nice enough. X was helpful on the chat forum. By moving to the private chat, they could talk to each other without clogging up the public chat forum. What harm could there be?

2) Planting insidious seeds of negativity against the parents
Groomers typically plant seeds of negativity against the parents or trusted adults of the child. They sow seeds of discord and distrust to alienate the child and gain the trust of the child. As the grooming progresses, their attacks against the child’s trusted adults get more frequent and vicious.

I was surprised that within the first day of private chatting, X had planted a seed of negativity against my husband and me. It was a very subtle, almost inconspicuous side comment. My daughter had complained about the behaviour issues my preschooler had and X commented, “that’s the kind of things they learn from school or bad parents (emphasis is mine).” It was only Day 1 and X had already launched the first volley of attack.

After a few days, X referred to us as “the monsters” and called me “mean”. Within a month, I was “manipulative” for restricting my daughter’s access to MineCraft. X even wrote an entire essay on why I was “cruel, selfish and irresponsible and uncaring.” The barrage of accusations had left me breathless and incredulous. How could someone who did not even know me write about me with so much venom and hatred?

It did not end there. X even told my daughter that by law, when my girl turned 16, X could adopt her regardless of whether my husband or I agreed to it or not. And X would do that for her because X would not be the horrible parents that we were.

3) Fishing for information about the child
Now that there is a potential victim who is separated from the crowd, into a private chat platform, groomers need to know more about the potential victim. Instead of asking for information directly which would raise alarms in the victim, groomers will gently fish for information like age, name, location, school, etc.

X was smooth and praised the public chat forum of the MineCraft server they were on (no, they were not on my son’s server) for keeping users anonymous in order to protect the identity of all the users. X started talking about their avatars and how that could also help maintain anonymity. My daughter, being the trusting girl that she is, happily described herself. By the end of week 2, X knew everything about our family, including how we looked like. (yes my daughter sent X photos of the family.) The only saving grace here was my daughter refused to divulge our address despite repeated enticement from X that she would receive gifts in the mail if she would tell X her address.

4) Pushing for voice calls, then video calls
How would groomers authenticate the identity of their potential victims. How would the groomers know if the victim is indeed a child and not another groomer? How would they know if this child looks appealing? The best way is to do a video call so they can see for themselves. But to request for a video call right away would seem hasty and raise suspicions. So they will start by first suggesting voice calls, and when familiarity is increased, video calls. No only will the video show how the child looks like, it will also show the environment and setting of where the computer is and how much privacy the child has when online. In addition, once the child is comfortable doing video chats, the groomers could potentially get the child to do all kinds of stuff in front of the camera.

X was smart. The first few voice calls were “wonky”. My daughter could not hear X. When X’s voice sounded “robotic”, X’s reason was Discord (the app) was unstable. Finally, after several weeks, the voice issue was sorted out. My daughter could hear X (I suspect by then X had a voice changer installed properly). And a couple weeks later, X asked for video chats. In the video, X appeared to be who she said she was, an elderly lady who had difficulty walking. To me, she looked like an oversized man with a wig (X had sent my girl photos of herself).

5) Sowing ideas of meeting
In the case of online grooming, where the groomers do not know the physical location of the potential victim, they will casually plant an idea of a meet up. Over the duration of the grooming, they will suggest it more and more frequently until a request or suggestion for a meetup seems almost natural.

As the weeks passed, X would keep planting notions that it would be so awesome if they could meet. Or if my daughter were old enough and had enough money, she could fly to X.

6) Being the first to warn about groomers
The first one to raise a suspicion tends to appear less suspicious. Groomers are psychological experts. They know that to allay the fears of their victim, they need to be the first to raise the dangers of internet groomers. If they raise it first, their victim will naturally think they cannot be groomers. After all, who would want to be the whistle blower of their own crime?

And that was exactly what X did. Very early in their chats, X wrote, “I sound like some creep trying to gain your friendship and confidence to meet up and kidnap you.” If X could outright talk about online “kidnappers”, surely she (assuming she’s a she) can’t be one, right?

7) Suggesting to move to other “play” platforms
Groomers typically do not work alone. They have a network for which they help one another “snare” victims. If they know the physical location of their victim, they could redirect the victim to another platform where groomers from the victim’s location hang out. The “introducer” can get a fee for it.

Within a week of chatting, X suggested for my daughter to play on another server. When that failed despite repeated prompting, X introduced her to another group game where gamers exchange resources to get what they need. That would require my girl to interact with even more strangers, strangers X knew and could potentially, by transference of trust, get my girl to trust them. Luckily, my daughter was not interested.

8) Paving the way for appearance of a man
If the groomers had presented themselves as females to their potential victims, there is a high likelihood they would want to introduce a man into the picture. In fact, they would want their victim to believe this man to be someone whom the groomers trust and love. That would help with the transference of trust and reduce the suspicion or hesitancy of their victim accepting this new male figure.

Within 2 days of chatting, X casually mentioned something about sending a man of my girl’s dream into her path. The whole sowing was so well planned. First, X talked about how awesome her husband was. Then when my daughter commented how nice it was that X had a great husband, X casually tossed in the “fantasy” of sending a nice man to my girl. Over the course of the 6 weeks, X would hint that it would be great if X’s husband met up with my daughter. X even mentioned her husband was ok with her spending the night with a male friend. I presumed X was paving the way to tell my daughter it would be ok to spend the night with her husband should he appear.

In fact, on several occasions, the person who appeared on the chats identified himself as X’s husband. It was disturbing because there was really no way to tell who was in the chat until that person said he was the husband.

9) Establishing trust with the child
How do groomers establish trust so quickly with their victim? Simple. They are quick to identify similarities in interests, experience, possessions, even illness, to say, “Look, we are so alike. No wonder we click. We are best buddies.” That helps to draw their victim closer to them.

Time and again, X was very quick to point out how identical she was with my daughter. From objects like books, to interests in art, to physical ailments, to experiences with betrayal by friends, to everything under the sun., whatever my daughter mentioned, X exclaim how alike they were. Call me a skeptic, but the occurrence of similarities between the two of them was way too high to be coincidental.

10) Building deep connections with the child
Groomers can be really caring and nurturing, or appear to be so. They will dig for things that trouble their victim and offer comfort to them. They will praise and flatter their victims and lament why no one (ie the other adults in the child’s life) else saw the strengths of the child. They make themselves appear to be the one and only person who cares about and love the child, who will protect the child. They make everyone else the villain. Because of their showering of love and concern of their victim, the latter gets emotionally drawn towards their groomers.

I guess I didn’t have to elaborate on this with X. She was really good at showering attention on my girl. Apparently, X was on a different time zone and she made it very clear that she would stay up to chat with my daughter anytime she needed X. X would comfort my girl when she was sad, and berate others (ie me) for making life miserable for my daughter. She was very effective at showing she was on my girl’s side and she would fight all monsters for her. How could one not feel loved by and connected to someone like that?

11) Identifying the level of isolation of the child
Groomers know if their victim has a strong relationship with other adults in her life, there is a likelihood the victim will, at some point, turn to these other adults for help when she is unsure of how to respond to the groomers requests. Hence, they will attempt to figure out how isolated their victim is. If the victim is not isolated enough, they will resort to attack those close to the victim till she feels totally lonely and has no one else left except the groomers themselves.

And that was what X did. When she first started badmouthing me and blaming me for not allowing my girl to go on MineCraft, my daughter had defended me and explained why that had happened. However, as the days passed, X would add a comment here and there and illustrate how unreasonable I was. As a teen, it was understandable, at least to me, why it was appealing for my daughter to see me in that light. So by and by, my daughter turned against me. Through it all, X kept asking if there was anyone at all that my daughter could go to. And repeated, my daughter said she only had X.

12) Threatening to spill the beans
Grooming is a psychological game. After establishing that the victim is completely isolated and dependent on the groomers, they would then threaten, either seriously or jokingly, to tell the secret to their victim’s parents. Out of fear, their victim will toe the line and play by their rules.

Yes, X did that, multiple times. Sometimes the threats came across as jokes. Sometimes they sounded like threats. X even planting the fear that she had a private investigator searching for my girl and that this private investigator could tell me everything. Knowing my daughter, she would never want me to know of this secret because she knew she was not supposed to be playing MineCraft with chat on. She was afraid that if I found out, I would ban her from playing MineCraft or that I would confiscate all her devices so she would not be able to interact with X. Naturally, she grew more compliant as the chat went on.

Conclusion

So there you have it, the 12 signs I identified from the chats that looked like X was grooming my daughter. What would you do if you were in my position?

I will share what I did with my discovery in my next blog post Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2)) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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The Easiest, Yet Most Difficult, Way To Connect With Our Children

I recently watched Alice Through The Looking Glass with my children. There were so many lessons we could learn from that show. But there was one in particular that stood out for me. It was from a scene where Mirana, the White Queen, apologised to her sister, Iracebeth, the Red Queen. And the latter had said, “That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

Touching Scene From Alice Through The Looking Glass
For those of you who have not watched Alice in Wonderland or Alice Through The Looking Glass, here’s a quick run through. Iracebeth, the exiled Red Queen, hated her sister, Mirana, the White Queen. Iracebeth did everything she could to topple Mirana and cause her harm. In Alice in the Wonderland and halfway through Alice Through The Looking Glass, we were led to think it was because Mirana was kind and beautiful, and Iracebeth was jealous of her. Later in the sequel, we learned that there was more to that jealousy.

It turns out that when they were young, Mirana had lied to their mother, which resulted in the latter wrongly accusing Iracebeth of something she did not do. In a fit of anger, Iracebeth had ran out of the castle, tripped and hit her head on a stone wall. The pain as well as the anger at being betrayed by her sister and at being wrongly accused by her mother led her to bellow with all her might. That resulted in her head expanding to its enormous size. Henceforth, Iracebeth blamed Mirana for her resultant deformity.

And it was due to this deformity that the crown broke during Iracebeth’s coronation when it was being force fitted over her abnormally large head. When she had a melt down as a result of that humiliation, her father denied her the crown and gave it to Mirana instead. That sealed Iracebeth’s hatred for Mirana because Iracebeth felt the losing of her crown was a direct result of Mirana’s lying years ago.

In the final moments of Alice Through the Looking Glass, Mirana finally apologized to Iracebeth.

Sorry1“I’m sorry.”

The countenance of Iracebeth softened. She teared and said, “That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

sorry2“That was all I ever wanted to hear.”

Imagine that. All the hatred and anger Iracebeth held against Mirana could have been mitigated years ago. Mirana would not have to deal with all the plotting and fighting with Iracebeth if she had apologised years ago.

Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
How many of us have gone through experiences where a simple apology could have done so much for us? Of course as we grow older, we learn to forgive, we learn to let go, we learn that holding a grudge is like poisoning someone else by drinking the poison ourselves. We learn that we need to forgive even if no apology is forthcoming.

But what if an apology did come? What if the person or persons who had hurt us, intentionally or unintentionally, apologised? I don’t know about you, but I find that the earlier the apology came forth, the easier it is to let go of the offending event or action.

However, over the years, I have learned to let go and not take offence even if I do not receive an apology. It was a necessary skill because some of the people I care deeply never apologised for any big or small hurtful things they had done. There are many reasons why people do not apologise:

  1. they do not THINK what they have done is hurtful, or
  2. they do not KNOW what they have done is hurtful, or
  3. they do not WANT to admit what they have done is hurtful even if they know it is so, or
  4. they hope everyone has amnesia and PRETEND they have not done the hurtful deed, or
  5. it’s just NOT something they do.

Whatever the reason, the apology is not forthcoming. If I had to wait for it to come before being able to forgive, the resentment will fester in me and hurt me more in the long run.

So for my sanity and emotional health, I would forgive, again and again, regardless of whether I receive an apology or not. More importantly, I have learned to apologise, maybe because I value apologies since they are so hard to come by.

How Does Apology Help Parenting?
So how does that help in parenting? I have learnt that we need to apologise to our children if we have done something that hurt them, embarrassed them, or belittled them. It does not matter if the hurt is caused unintentionally. How the hurt comes about becomes irrelevant when the fact remains that they have been hurt by our words or actions.

So how does apologising to our kids help in parenting? Wouldn’t it cause our children to doubt our ability? Wouldn’t it lead them to think we are weak? Wouldn’t it undermine our authority?

My answer to those questions is “no”. On the contrary, “I’m sorry” is a very powerful phrase for parents. Why?

1) It removes resentment and builds connection
How do we feel when someone we love hurt us? Do we yearn for an apology? Why do we want an apology? If that person does not apologise, how do we feel? It is no different for our children. Remember, they too are humans. They too have feelings.

When our children feel hurt by us, our connection with them breaks. To rebuild it, they need to know we are sorry for hurting them. When we verbalise our apology, they know we know we are wrong, they know we regret what we have done, and they know we care about how they feel. All these help them feel reconnected with us.

The beautiful thing is our children are extremely forgiving beings. Our emotional bank account with our children is filled to the brim when we first start our parenting journey with them. Hence, the younger they are, the more forgiving they are. It would take A LOT to deplete our emotional bank account with them.

However, if we consistently refuse to apologise for our mistakes with them, for the things we have done or said that hurt them, our emotional bank account with them will slowly deplete, and at some point, run dry. Typically, that happens when our children reach adolescence. If we deplete our account with them when they become teens, that’s when we will have a whole lot of defiance issues and experience a full-blown teenage rebellion.

In other words, the size of our teens’ rebellion is indirectly proportional to the size of our emotional bank account with them. The bigger our emotional bank account is with our children, the smaller their rebellion and defiance. The smaller our emotional bank account is with them, the bigger their rebellion and defiance.

Apologising does not cause our children to doubt our ability. Instead it leads them to see our humility and to know we care about how they feel. And because they know we care, they will feel more connected to us.

2) It models repentant behaviour
Secondly, we know children learn through modeing. That is why we are deathly afraid they will fall into wrong company and learn “bad stuff”.

How do we expect our children to apologise if they have not seen what that behavior looks like? Our children do what we do, not what we say. Hence, if we want our children to apologise for their mistakes or their wrongdoings, especially when they reach the teen years, it is crucial we model for them what being apologetic looks like.

Apologising does not make us weak. On the contrary, it illustrates strength and bravery. It helps our children look up to us for being able bold enough to be vulnerable, to acknowledge our mistakes and to look for ways to improve ourselves. These are excellent values for our children to emulate.

3) It teaches accountability
More importantly, it teaches our children to accept responsibility for their own wrongdoing because they see us doing likewise. It shows us up as people with integrity, who will own up to our mistakes.

Apologising does not diminish our authority. Instead, it shows our children that our deeds are separate from us, that even though we may have made a mistake, we are not the mistake, that we can learn from the mistake and become even better.

It helps our children build their self-esteem to understand that their mistakes do not reflect who they are. Instead, mistakes are learning opportunities for everyone to grow and become better. It helps them separate the deeds from the doer and know they too can rise above their mistakes. And should they fail in whatever they do, they will know they themselves are not failures.

Rather than diminishing our authority, our ability to apologise actually builds our authority, for we become better and stronger in the process of acknowledging and learning from our mistakes.

Conclusion
At the end of the day, apologising makes us more human and more approachable. As a result, it makes it easier for our children, especially our teens, to associate with us and to connect with us.

So parents, feel free to apologise to your children. They will thank you for it.

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How To Protect Our Children From Sex Predators like Joshua Robinson?

I have been following the underage sex case of Joshua Robinson with concern. While I feel he deserves a stronger sentence for the unconscionable acts he has done, I am more concerned by the behavior of the 2 underaged girls who had consented to his sexual advance.

Why did Robinson get away with a relatively light sentence despite the furore the sentence had caused? Firstly, it is because the teenagers were over 14 years old, which meant they were not minors. Thus Robinson could not be charged with having sex with minors which carries a heavier sentence. Secondly, it is because he did not coerce them into sex. The girls had consented to it. That meant he could not be charged with statutory rape which also carries a heavier sentence .

Does it mean it was the fault of the girls? I think it would be superficial and unfair to blame the girls. The buck goes further than the girls themselves.

Why? Now let us think about how Robinson got busted? It was because a 6-year-old girl had told her parent what Robinson had shown her.  What had prompted her to tell her parent? Did she know what Robinson showed her was wrong?  How did she know that?

The law does not fully protect our children from sexual predation. Only we, parents, can do it.

How can we protect our children?

1) Sexual Education

a) When they are young…
From the time my children were toddlers, I taught them the actual names for their private parts. A young child who is able to name his/her private parts in anatomically correct terms is announcing to the world that he/she has been taught what those are.  It also signals to others that it is likely the child knows about inappropriate touches.  Sexual predators will stay away from children like that.

When my children were preschoolers, I taught them that no one was allowed to touch or see their privates parts. Likewise, they know no one can ask them to touch or see other people’s private parts. And I mean no one. Not I, not their dad, not their sibling, not even their doctor without us being present. They were taught to let us know if anything like that happened.

My 4-year-old still reminds me that she needs to wash herself when I shower her and I love it.  I always use it as an opportunity to reinforce that lesson for her.

b) When they are older…
I started talking about the bees and birds with my children when they were between 10-12 years old. The look on their faces when they realized what their parents did to conceive them was priceless. And that was when I started talking about when sex is ok. Although the topic still makes them squirm somewhat (they are both teenagers now), they know it is not a taboo topic. Once they overcame the initial discomfort, we were able to talk about the topic in a very carefree manner. Most importantly, my children feel comfortable enough to approach me with questions on this topic at any time.  And they do.

Giving our children sexual education is not equivalent to encouraging them to engage in sex. We will do more harm to them by keeping this subject shrouded in mystery. By speaking openly to our children about this, they learn it is not a shameful topic. It encourages them to talk to us about it instead of getting their information from strangers. The problem with them turning to strangers for such information is that they can then be easily led astray.

2) Close Relationship

However, in order for our children to feel comfortable talking to us about such a personal topic, we must first have a close relationship with them. And having a close relationship is not just about spending time. We can spend 24/7 with someone and still feel disconnected with him/her. Hence, what we need to do as parents is to invest time establishing emotional connection with our children. The more personal and private a topic, the stronger our emotional connection need to be in order for them to approach us with it.

Conclusion

Let us all do our part to prevent the likes of Joshua Robinson from robbing our children of their innocence. Let us educate our children because knowledge is power. We need to arm our children so they know how to protect themselves.

 

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Raising Critical Thinkers

Stephen Covey said, “Begin with an end in mind.”

How does that apply to parenting? Do we begin by visualising our children as doctors? Lawyers? The next Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg? Probably not.

What is the end we have in mind when we have children? Do we seriously think about it?

Begin With An End In Mind

I feel that it’s easier to parent with a vision of the qualities I would like my children to possess when they grow up. In this post, I will touch on one of these qualities, namely to be independent critical thinkers able to stand up for their beliefs respectfully.

What that translates into is I actually allow them to “argue” with me. From young. Some parents might shake their heads at this. They might wonder how I could allow my children to disrespect my authority.

Before I begin, first let me first state that my children are not allowed to speak to me, or anyone, disrespectfully. We mind our Ps and Qs at home, all the time. That means, my husband and I also speak respectfully to them.

Second, when I say “argue”, I mean an exchange of views and perspectives. After all, arguing means putting forth reasons for or against something. My children are allowed, even encouraged, to tell me what they think and how they feel, especially if they do not agree with me. But like I mentioned above, they need to do that respectfully. And obviously the same applies to me. I need to be respectful when putting forth my arguments to them.

Why on earth would I want to make my life difficult? Isn’t it easier to just make them do what I want them to do without having to “argue” with them?

Well, that’s where beginning with the end in mind comes in. The image of my kids all grown up and standing up for they believe in and being able to put forth their arguments calmly and respectfully is an image I hold constantly in my mind. Even if they cannot get their way at the end, at least they would have had the chance of saying their piece.

Hence allowing them, from young, to “argue”, or rather give me reasons for what they want as opposed to what I want, was a way of training them.

Challenge as a Parent

The challenge for me as a parent is to state my case for why they need to do something, so they can see my point of view and, hopefully, agree with me. Many times, if I find that I cannot even convince myself why they MUST do certain things, I would relent. Yep, my kids would “win” the argument and I would actually tell them why. That way, they see the logic in their argument and the flaw in mine.

On some occasions, I would put my foot down and tell them, “I’m sorry, you don’t have a choice.” But I keep those to a minimum so that when I do put my foot down, they know I mean business and they will cooperate. It is amazing. But it works. Really.

This strategy was extremely effective when my children were at the “NO!!!” stage, ie when they were about two years old. As far as possible, I would do my best to understand why they had said no. Most times, it was just them asserting their independence and if it was not a big deal, I would let them “win”.

If their cooperation was non-negotiable, I would explain my case.  It was time consuming to explain to and convince them especially when they were little. I have had family members telling me I was ridiculous explaining myself to a preschooler. However, I am glad I persisted because I see results which I will talk about later in this post.

There were still occasions when my preschool kids would resist what I wanted them to do.  However, because the frequency of me insisting my way was very low, the tendency of them giving in was much higher. I know that sounds counter-intuitive.

I have parents telling me they are afraid to let their children win because then they would lose control of their children. They are afraid that their children would be the ones dictating what to do henceforth.

However, the reason for letting our children “win” as often as is reasonably possible, and letting them know they have won, is to give them a sense that they have some control over their lives. That way they do not feel that they have to fight EVERY SINGLE TIME in an attempt to wrest control.

Results of Letting My Children “Win”

(i) During the Preschool Years
Now going back to when my children were going through the “NO!!” phase. The strategy of letting them win as often as possible actually led to a drastic reduction of them being contrarians after several weeks.

Firstly, because they knew I would listen to what they wanted.

Secondly, because they learned they would tend to get what they wanted if they asked for it nicely.

Thirdly, because they had a certain degree of control over their lives.

Fourthly, they found out that I always had good reasons why I could not give them what they wanted and that even if they cried, and especially if they cried, they still would not get that.

Now, when my soon-to-be 4-year-old wants something she cannot get, she will relent when I hold my ground because she knows I only stand firm on things that really matter and that I will not waver. She may cry for a little while, but she gets over it very fast.

Because of this simple strategy, we did not have the “Terrible Twos” or “Terrible  Threes” stage.

(ii) During the Teen Years
My older 2 children are now 14 and 12 years old. They have learned to put forth their arguments respectfully because they know my husband and I would hear them out.

In fact, I remember once asking my teenager why he did what I asked him to do without telling me he was in the middle of something. His reply? “Because you always have very good reasons for wanting me to do something.”

While I really appreciated his cooperation, I actually told him he had the right to protect his time and if he had told me he was preoccupied with something else, I would have let him finished what he was doing first because what I needed done that time was not that critical.

It may seem like I am teaching my children to be difficult. However, I hold a long term vision, and that is for my children to be able to protect their time and their needs by voicing them respectfully.

The reason why that is important to me is simple. Many times, as adults, we feel “oppressed” because our needs are not heard or met. And many times, it is because we have not surfaced those needs, or we have not argued coherently and respectfully why they need to be met. Imagine what would happen if we had learned and mastered the skills of negotiation and critical thinking from young.

So now, I do hear my children telling me they need another 10 or 15 minutes and wherever possible, I would grant them that 10 or 15 minutes. But when I tell them “now”, they know it is non-negotiable and they would cooperate.

Because of this simple strategy, my teens are not defiant or contrarians. And thankfully, we are not experiencing the “Terrible Teens” stage.

Conclusion

The key to peaceful parenting, having cooperative children is to keep instances where our children feel “forced” to do something to a minimum. That way, when it really comes down to a time when they have no choice, they are more likely to cooperate without putting up a fight.

While allowing our children to argue with us could make parenting a little tougher, the benefits, in my opinion, far outweigh the inconveniences:

  • it helps us, parents, to be reasonable in our demands/requests;
  • it trains our children to think about how to argue their case logically and coherently;
  • it allows our children to see that we respect their views;
  • it leads to a peaceful parenting model where there is hardly any outburst of defiance; and
  • it builds confidence in our children in voicing out their opinions and feelings.

It is hard to parent a vocal child. It is hard to say no to something that is logically and calmly laid out. But if you imagine that your child were now a grown up, would you like for her to stand her ground and be vocal?  If your answer is yes, then you may want to consider training your child to be articulate in putting across her views and opinions from young.

– Vivian Kwek –

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Raising Communicative Children

 

I have had many parents ask me how they can get their teens to talk to them. They feel that their teens have shut them out of their lives.

As much as these parents want to be a part of their teens’ lives and be there to help and guide them, they feel extremely handicapped not knowing what their teens are thinking about, how they are feeling or what they are going through because the latter is not sharing anything.

It is my belief that our children do not suddenly stop talking to us because they have grown up. Of course, I do not expect the teens to tell us everything as they had done when they were younger. But if they completely stop telling us anything of consequence, it is a worrying sign.

That is when we want to think about our interactions with them to see if we have contributed to them being uncommunicative towards us.

1) Vunerability

When our children come to us with problems or complaints, how do we respond? Do we show empathy and help them solve their problems? Do we tend to insinuate that they are at fault?

What do we do when our children show us their vulnerability?

Of course there are times they are at fault and it is our responsibility to show them that. However, the manner in which that is done is critical.

If coming to us result in harsh words or punishment from us, they learn not to come to us because they do not want to have salt rubbed on their wounds. That can potentially lead to disastrous results or even suicides if their problems snowball into something they feel is beyond their ability to solve and they feel they have no one to turn to.

So what can we do?

We can still teach them that they are in the wrong, but it need not be done harshly. We can empathise with why they do what they did and lovingly guide them on the corrective actions to take. That way, they will feel safe coming to us with problems in the future.  The idea here is to let our children know they are not alone and we are always available to help them.

Of course I am not advocating that we bail our children out of their problems. Our availability to help them does not mean we solve their problems. Instead, it means we are available for them to bounce off ideas or to explore solutions that THEY themselves can execute. We offer the guidance and experience and we are supportive of them cleaning up their messes.

When our children feel they can count on our support and love when they encounter problems, they will not hesitate to talk to us.

2) Reality

When our children come to us with problems we cannot do anything about, do we tell them to “suck it up” since they need to learn how to deal with it from young?

What do we do when our children encounter the realities of the world?

Again, it depends on how we help them absorb the lesson that there are some things in the world we cannot do anything about. Yes, there are some things we need our children to learn from young, like needing to put in effort to get results or there are bullies out there and we need to learn how to deal with that.

However, just telling the child to “suck it up” is as good as telling them they are alone and we cannot anything to help them. Then they learn they need not come and tell us anything because they already know our answer: “suck it up”.

Instead, we can teach them what they can do in such situations. For example, if they meet with a bully, instead of telling them to suck it up because bullies are everywhere, we can teach them how to deal with a bully, or how to bring the bullying to the attention of those who can do something about it, or how to empathise with a bully.

When my son was 5 years old, he told me there was a bully in his class who picked on him (the bully was a head taller than my son). I could have done a few things. One was tell my son to “suck it up” because bullies exist. Or I could complain to the teachers about it. Or I could teach my son how to handle it.

While I was concerned about the bullying, I knew that the bully had come from a troubled home. So I explained to my son that because the boy felt unloved and helpless at home, and probably bullied as well, he wanted to feel powerful in school. That was why he came to school and terrorized the smaller kids. I also told my son that it was best he steered clear from the bully’s path and if he was bullied again, to bring it to the attention to his teacher immediately. My intention was to help my son empathise with the troubled child, yet at the same time, learn to protect himself.

Instead, my son did something that surprised me. With the knowledge of the bully’s troubled background, my son went to school and convinced another friend of his to approach the bully together. My son then told the bully that they would be his friends and that they would help him feel loved so he would not feel the need to bully other children. I was very touched when he told me that his plan succeeded and that they became friends after that and more importantly, that the bully stopped terrorizing other children.

I understand that not all bullies are that easily “converted” and there are some who are just really mean and violent. Of course learning how to protect themselves from violent bullies are also important lessons to teach our children. However, many a time, a little love and empathy can go a long way.

When we are empathetic towards our children when they come to us with “realities of the world” they have to face at some point, they feel safe talking to us. And the safer they feel talking to us, the more they will communicate with us.

3) Achievement

How do we react when our children do well, be it getting good grades, achieving an award, and so on? Do we praise them? Do we give them rewards and tell them how proud we are of them? Now, how do we react when our children DO NOT do well? Do we berate or punish them? Do we take away some privileges or tell them we are disappointed in them?

What do we do with their achievement or lack of achievement?

Most of us celebrate our children’s success and achievements, and rightly so, because we want our children to know we are proud of them. However, I would suggest not to overdo the celebration and praises as we do not want to undermine our children’s inherent pride in themselves by having them rely too much on our reactions to their successes.

What is more important, in my view, is what we do when they fail.

When our children fail to achieve, it is understandable that we are disappointed. It is also understandable that we want to spur them on. The question is how can we spur them on in a manner that is motivational? How can we still let our children feel our love even if they have messed up?

I have always believed that when my children fail in something they want to do, that in itself is “punishment” enough for them. They already feel disappointed in the outcome and most of the time, they are disappointed in themselves. I do not feel the need to add misery to them by berating or punishing them.

Instead I do my best to help them see what they can do differently the next time. More importantly, I acknowledge them for the efforts they have put in and remind them that failures are only failures if they fail to learn anything from them. So now my children know that if they do not get something right, they are learning, not failing.

If our children feel our love is conditional upon their good behavior or achievement, they will not share with us problems that they feel will make us disappointed in them. Hence to have them remain communicative with us, it is important they know we love them unconditionally.

4) Acceptance

What do we do if our children have different views / perspectives / opinions from us? Do we tell them “it’s my way or the highway”? Or do we let them hold those views?

In other words, do our children feel accepted for who they are?

As our children mature, they will develop their own identity, their own “calling”, their own stand. It is understandable we feel we know best and that it is in their interest that they hold the same views we do.

However, if we insist “it’s my way or the highway”, we can almost guarantee that our children will feel isolated from us. Outwardly, they could still hold our view, but inwardly they either struggle to reconcile the differences, or they do whatever they feel is right out of our sight. And we would never hear them talking about that, no matter how dangerous their beliefs could be.

It is an extremely hard walk to take when we are dealing with our children who have different views from us. It could range from religion to politics to even basic safety. But would it be possible for us to agree to disagree, for us to still show our love despite our differences? That will be a true challenge to our love, won’t it?

Personally, I have not come to that bridge yet and I am thankful for that. But I have told my children that my love for them is unconditional and even if they hold fundamentally different views and beliefs from me, I will still love them with all my heart. I have also told them I will want to know what their views and beliefs are, not so I can change their minds, but so I can understand them and love them better.

I keep my fingers (and toes) crossed that the love I have for my children is strong enough for me to hold on to that promise.

When our children know they can count on our love even if they do not see eye to eye with us, they will feel safe communicating with us.

Conclusion

If we teach our children with love and empathy, they learn that problems are not the end of the world. They learn that problems can be overcome, that problems are hidden lessons, that problems are opportunities for loved ones to rally together to build one another up. They learn that they are not alone in facing the world or their problems. They learn that they are still worthy of our love regardless.

And when our children learn that, we need not worry they will stop communicating with us. Why? The reason is simple. We tend to share our problems and troubles with people whom we know love us regardless. And these very people whom we can share bad news with are usually the first we would share good news with. And what this means is communication will never cease.

So my question to you is this: Can your children share bad news or problems with you without worrying they will be scolded or punished?

– Vivian Kwek –