The June holidays are here and I keep seeing advertisements and flyers about holiday “camps” to brush up on subjects. Truth be told, I have been extremely tempted. I have even put in a request for a 3-day Chinese show-and-tell enrichment class at my 6-year-old’s Chinese school. Thankfully, they did not have enough kids to start the class. But it made me take a step back to analyse my own behaviour.
As parents, we are all concerned about getting the best education for our children. Most of us trust our children to the school system and “enhance” their education with private tuition, holiday camps etc. Many of our children, like my youngest, are in state-run schools while some children are in private institutions. Few are homeschooled. When our children are in the system, regardless of whether it is public or private, they end up running the hamster wheel to follow the system and “game” it so they can excel in it. My girl is rather weak in Chinese, so naturally, I look for enrichment in Chinese for her during the school hols. Many parents do the same and who can blame them?
But let us take a moment to pause and reflect. What does education mean? What qualities does an educated person have? Is it someone with straight As, a degree, a diploma? Or is it someone with a high paying job? What does “being educated” really mean?
Being a Singaporean myself, getting an education was synonymous with going to school (or so I thought). So 12 years ago, when my then 5-year-old son begged me to keep him at home so he could learn, I had no clue what to do and had no choice but to research into homeschooling. It took more than a year of research before I dared embark on the journey. The responsibility of a homeschooling parent is extremely heavy. Our children’s future depends on how we educate them. So I had to think long and hard about what education meant and what the “end product” of education would look like. I believe if my son had not pushed me into homeschooling him, I would still be blissfully ignorant about what education means to me and just let the schools do what they were designed to do.
So 12 years ago, I went to read up the history of education. (Here is a summary similar to what I had learned: https://www.psychologytoday.com/…/2…/brief-history-education). It reshaped the way I looked at education and made me think about what a truly educated person would be like. Here is an article that has a list what makes one “educated” (https://daringtolivefully.com/educated-person). It is not a prescriptive list, but a good one to get us thinking about the qualities of an educated person.
Would I consider myself educated? Not totally, but somewhat. What about my teens who have been homeschooled? Not there yet too. I realised through my research that education is a lifelong process. There is no end-point. The main thing as a home educator, I concluded, was to ensure my children would continue loving and pursuing knowledge, that to them, learning doesn’t stop after a diploma, degree, or a certain age.
Amongst the many qualities of an educated child, the one quality that is particularly important to me is that of having a critical mind. To me, an educated person is one who has discernment. I feel that having the ability to ask, “why?’ or “why not?” as well as the ability to come up with a good response to those questions is important so we do not end up doing things blindly.
So some questions worth asking are: Why do schools do what they do now? Why must the children learn about magnets or the life cycle of a frog or chicken? Why do they need to know differentiation or integration? Why must they memorise the dates of the wars and who fought whom where? Not only that, why do they have to learn those stuff at the particular age they are taught? And why can’t our children be exposed to science concepts earlier?
What I observe now is the force feeding of information to our children. It’s a “you-need-to-know-this-NOW-to-score-well-so-memorise-it” methodology. It’s a “this-is-the-answer-key” or “use-these-key-words-to-score” type of “education”. Worst of all, children are being taught to use different answers in different settings: one that the schools accept, and another that PSLE accepts (it seems some schools do not accept what PSLE markers accept. Go figure…)
Is this what education is supposed to look like? Is an educated person one who can memorise answer keys and score the highest points? Is it the schools’ fault? Or society’s?
What if we re-look education?
What if we help our children UNDERSTAND why what they are learning is RELEVANT? Telling a P1 or P6 student their PSLE score will affect their future is TOOOOO far into the future for them to grasp. Why is learning about the life-cycle of a frog important? Why is Math important? Is it really the formulae we memorise that matters? Who uses differentiation or integration after graduation anyway?
Would it make a difference to our children if we explain what matters is the thought processes we train our minds to have when we need to understand the content? I love what is written in the curricula that MOE has made available for public. The reasons for why the children are learning such and such are fabulous, but how much of the “why” has been transmitted to the children, or to parents so we know how to support our children’s learning without being “kiasu” (afraid to lose)?
Maybe with a bit of nudging in the right direction, we, parents, may start thinking about what other things would make our children more “educated”.
Would learning about human psychology even from P1 or K1 help them relate to others better and build better friendships? Would learning about collaboration be more effective than competition? Would allowing the making of mistakes so our children understand that is part and parcel of learning be more “educational” than instilling the fear of making mistakes? If so, how do we incorporate that into their education without overloading their ever-ballooning curricula?
For me, I know the pitfalls of school-going kids. Many will start dreading school and learning. Most will dread making mistakes, or worse, failing. Hence, I will strive to ensure my little A, who is currently in the public school system, to not become that. I’ll continue holding the end in mind: what it means to be an educated person, and help shape the way she sees education and her experience while getting an education in school.
Education…. What does it really mean to you? How do you want your children to feel while being educated? How would you like your children be after they get their diploma, degrees etc? Are those paper qualifications necessary to prove they are educated?
I am sorry I do not have any “model” answers. But I hope those questions will help trigger some thoughts to augment your view of what education means and how you can help with the education of your child(ren).
What kind of a person will our child grow up to be?
We saw a live Ninjago performance at our recent visit to Legoland Malaysia. The story was about the ninjas rescuing a dragon from the forces of darkness so it will be a dragon of light and do good instead of a dragon of darkness and wreck havoc.
The thing is, it’s the same dragon with the same power. But what it would use its power for will depend on what it has been trained to do.
Was it reared with love, kindness and encouragement? Or was it reared with darkness, hatred and resentment?
Obviously the environment will shape the type of dragon it would become.
It reminds me of the Cherokee story of the fight between the 2 wolves inside us, except in this version, the fight between light and darkness is internal.
You see, inside each and every one of us resides an “evil” wolf and a “good” wolf. The wolf that wins the fight is the one we feed.
If we feed our wolves with anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and/or ego, the evil wolf will win.
But if we feed our wolves with joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith, the good wolf will win.
While our environment plays a role in shaping who we are, it is we who determine what we allow into our system.
As parents, we not only control the environment which our children grow up in, we also serve as their teachers and guides. Subsequently, when our children grow up, we become the inner voices they hear when they process their thoughts. Are they capable enough? Are they good enough? Are they loving towards others? Are they showing empathy to those who have been mean to them? Are they kind? Are they resilient? What would they do when they encounter difficulties? Their answers to these questions depend on what we teach them and what we say to them.
Recently, A had a difficult time with another child and was repeatedly reduced to tears. I could take the easy way out and reduce interaction between that child and A. I could paint A as a victim and the other child a target for negative labels. But I see a higher purpose in their interaction. I helped A see how she could be a teacher to that child, to help that child learn gentleness and generosity. And at the same time, I felt it would help A build her resilience so she wouldn’t be so easily affected by what others say or do. Amazingly, she agreed to be a teacher. In fact she said, “I can stand up for myself because I am resilient. And I still love XYZ and I will be a teacher to help him be nicer.”
That really warmed my heart bcos she sees herself as a learner (in self-defence) and a teacher (in guiding the other child). When she grows up seeing adversities as opportunities to learn and teach, nothing will fazz her. Her blueprint in dealing with adversities and “difficult” people will be a positive one.
We, as parents, help our children build their blueprints: blueprint in dealing with setbacks, blueprint in dealing with difficult people, blueprint in dealing with abundance, etc etc. Our children carry these blueprints with them unconsciously.
Many people live with negative blueprints without even realising their thoughts were “imprinted” from young. For those of us fortunate enough, we realise the existence of our negative blueprints and do our utmost best to undo them and create a new set of positive blueprints.
Hence it is very important that we remind our children they are capable (even when they make mistakes), that they are good enough based on the knowledge and skills they have at that moment. We show them how to empathise, love and be kind to others. We encourage them to get on their feet when they fall and help them see obstacles and challenges as opportunities for growth and development.
Which wolf our kids will feed subsequently when they grow up really then depends on what we say to them and what we teach them when they are young. Whether they will grow up to be dragons of light or dragons of darkness too will depend on the environment we provide for them.
While it may seem a scary thought with overwhelming responsibility, we can choose to see it in another way.
In order to build an environment of light for our children and be the voice that will feed their “good” wolf, we too will end up feeding our good wolf and become dragons of light. Now wouldn’t that be wonderful?
We may not be able to motivate ourselves to become better, but for the sake of our children, we will be able to do it. That’s why our children are our best teachers.
I have been having very interesting conversations with my 14-year-old recently.
Last night, she was commenting about myopia. You see, she has been saying she needs glasses for a while and recently she went to the optometrist.
C: You know mom, I can’t imagine how people who need glasses function without glasses. My prescription is only 75 and 100 degrees. Yet I have so much difficulty seeing the bus numbers without glasses. I can’t imagine how it is like for someone who has a prescription of more than 400 degrees and does not have glasses.
Me: Well, I have a prescription of more than 400 degrees and I can’t function without my glasses. I thought you knew that. That’s why I always say I need my glasses to find my glasses. I can’t see without my glasses.
C: I knew you need glasses and without them you can’t see. But I never thought about how that felt, or how blurry things would be for you without your glasses. When the optometrist put the glasses on for me and I went out of the shop to look around, suddenly everything looked clear. And when I removed them, I realised how blur things have been. If it has been so blur for me, I can’t imagine how it is for you or anyone who has worse eyesight than me. I didn’t understand how it was like to NOT be able to see. But now, I have a better idea of how it is like for you.
With that comment of hers, a light bulb came on for me.
Lesson for Me
My dear C, you have no idea how important a lesson you have taught me, AGAIN.
How often have I known, yet NOT KNOWN, how difficult things are for my children?
When they struggle to stay focused, I know it is because their more mature nucleus accumbens (the pleasure-seeking centre of their brain) is driving their thoughts and actions and that their pre-frontal cortex (the logical decision making centre of their brain) is not quite mature yet to hold their goal in view.
But I don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to focus because I still get impatient and judgmental when they are distracted.
Likewise, when they lose their temper, I know that, for my teens, it is because of the fluctuations of hormones in their bodies making control difficult, or, for my little one, that it is because she is really tired/hungry etc.
But I don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to control their temper because sometimes I still get triggered when they “lose” it.
And there are parents whose children are hyperactive, or depressed, or perfectionists, or have sensory sensitivities, or a zillion other challenges. How WELL do most parents REALLY know the struggles their children go through?
Most times, we may feel “if only the kids would try harder…”, or worse, “they are leading us by our noses, manipulating us,” etc. I know I have been guilty of that.
If we really KNOW how our children feel and how they struggle, we will not have those thoughts at all.
The truth is we don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to function “normally” unless we have the same condition as they do. That is why we tend to be more critical and impatient, less sympathetic and loving.
Unfortunately, that does not help our children. Our lack of empathy and lacklustre support makes it even harder for them to function normally.
So while I may “know” my children are having a tough time, and that they are doing their best, I still need to do the following:
remember I don’t REALLY KNOW how awful they feel or how hard they are struggling,
remind myself to take my 2 deep breaths,
strike down my fear that I have lost control over them,
tap into my unconditional love for them, and
support them when they falter.
Once again, I am grateful to C for the insight she has given me. May her insight help you decode your children so you can help them overcome whatever challenges they have as well.
In Part 3, we will look at the “HOW”. How do we control and deal with our anger?
What We Can Do
1) Identify the Fear
In Part 2 of Dealing with Anger, I mentioned that ANGER is the mask for FEAR.
Whenever we get angry, it’s because a fear is triggered. And instead of feeling paralysed by the fear, we put on our ANGRY mask so we can “fight” the threat. In other words, instead of dealing with the fear, we attack whatever it is that exposes that fear.
What we see on the surface is ANGER (shouting, hitting etc). But beneath that surface is a whole range of other emotions that is almost always backed by fear.
For example, most of us instinctively get angry when someone points out our mistakes. But what do we actually feel? Most probably it was embarrassment. However, the underlying emotion is actually our fear of “losing face”.
Or if someone cuts us off in traffic, we feel indignant that the other driver is being rude and we honk angrily at him. But our underlying emotion could be our fear of being late. It could even be due to our kiasuism (fear of losing) to other driver.
Or if, instead of us, a colleague gets promoted. Some of us may feel jealous. We may complain about unfairness or even resign in anger. But actually what is triggered is our subconscious fear that our contribution is not being recognised by our bosses.
Of if our child throws a tantrum. Out of frustration, we yell, shout or hit the child. But if we analyse it further, it could be our fear of not knowing how to help our child. I know some parents fear becoming the parent they vowed never to be. I was one of them. It took me a long time to overcome that fear. I’ll share how I overcome that in a moment.
The point is whenever we get angry, there actually lies a host of emotions (frustration, jealousy, embarrassment etc) beneath that ANGER. And if we dig further, those emotions always stem from fear.
How does knowing that help us?
Every time we feel angry, even if we have already exploded, we need to take the time to reflect and identify the emotion that triggered that anger. More importantly, we must identify the fear that is triggered. After a while, we will discover certain fears keep surfacing.
2) Identify the Fear Pattern
What are the fears that keep surfacing? Is it the fear of “losing face”? Why are we afraid of losing face? Is it because we are worried people will think/know we have FAILED to do it right?
Or is it kiasuism, our fear of losing? Why are we afraid to lose? Is it because we don’t want to appear lousier than others? Because that would mean we have FAILED to win?
Or is it the fear of becoming someone whom we have vowed never to become? Why is it fearful to become that person? Is it because we know that person is flawed and if we are becoming like them, it means we too are flawed, that we have FAILED at being better?
Or is it fear of the unknown, fear of change? Why is change or the unknown so fearful? Is it because we don’t know how to respond or deal with it, that we will FAIL to adapt?
We need to keep asking questions and drill as deeply as possible to uncover our hidden fears.
Most of the time, we will realise our root fear is the fear of failure. And that comes from our fear of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH.
3) Question the Validity of the Fear
The fear of failure is deeply entrenched in our psyche, especially in our culture. We were brought up in a society where failure, or making mistakes, is frowned upon and not seen as an essential step towards learning. Some of us were brought up where we were not given second chances, or were very harshly punished for our mistakes.
I used to beat myself up badly every time I messed up. I would feel guilty, and with each loss in my temper, I would feel more inadequate then ever. Not only did I feel I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH, I actually felt I was worse than the parent I did not want to become. Why? Because, compared to my parent, I had done so much reading and studying about becoming a good parent. Yet I had failed to do what I wanted to do. I was convinced I was a lousy, terrible, unworthy parent to my children.
Until one day, I had an epiphany.
I used to have a parent who would punish me when I messed up. Not only did I get a tongue lashing, I would get a physical lashing as well. Even if I had scored 97 marks in my Math test, I would receive 3 lashings for not scoring 100. And if I scored 99, then it would be 1 very hard lashing, because I was SO CLOSE yet not achieve 100. I remember scoring 77 marks once. Those were dark days… I was brought up to fear failure, to fear mistakes.
What led to my epiphany was I realised I hadn’t been scolded nor received lashings for more than 30 years. Yet that blueprint of being whipped and lashed had been so ingrained in me that I had became my greatest punisher. I realised I was the one who had made my life extremely difficult especially when my journey was rough. I had become my harshest critic to prevent failing or making mistakes. But my harshness sunk me to greater depths of despair whenever I failed and each “sinking” was harder to climb out of. How could I ever be the parent I want to be if I were so lousy?
So I went on a quest to learn how to overcome the conditioning that failure needs to be “beaten” out of me, that I am never good enough, even if I am at 99%.
And this is what I learned on my quest.
We need to really question the validity of our fear of failure. Past failures do not mean future failures, otherwise none of us would have ever learned to walk, ride a bike, swim, or do almost anything. How many of us learned to do anything the very first time we did them? Most of us had failed repeatedly before we succeeded in doing anything well. Yet, because we had persevered, each failure helped us learn where we went wrong and we became better.
So instead of saying we are not good enough, or that failure is bad, a strong mantra or affirmation we can use is this:
“I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I am in with the knowledge and skills I have.”
“Failure and learning from past mistakes are necessary for growth and success.”
That way, we don’t beat ourselves up when we have yet to reach success. We will have the strength to pick ourselves up, learn, and have another go until we get it right.
These mantras have helped me so much in managing my “failures”, in helping me pick myself up and learn to be better. They have empowered me to feel I CAN be better and they did not sink me into the depths of despair.
It sounds simple, but actually takes a lot of courage and resilience to press on and not get buried by mistakes. When the going got tough, and it frequently did and still does, I just thought about Thomas Edison. When asked how he felt failing 10,000 times before he invented the lightbulb, he replied, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”
The key here is to know we can do it and keep working on finding a solution without beating ourselves up.
BUT some parents tell me, “I can’t control my explosions! Even before I can analyse my fear, my anger has already gripped me and I have exploded. So how?”
4) BREATHE!
When we feel that familiar gush of anger flooding into our system, the very first step is to take a deep breath. It takes conscious effort and determination to not let the anger control us. The wonder of taking that ONE deep breath is that most people will find their brains less foggy and they can think better after that one deep breath . It is through this first step that anger can be controlled.
Unfortunately, that is one of the hardest thing to do. I have encountered so many parents who say that once they are gripped by anger, they would lash out instinctively. They only remember they need to take a deep breath after their anger is spent. Why?
Usually when an EVENT happens, we have a THOUGHT or interpretation about it. That THOUGHT triggers us feel a particular EMOTION which leads to a certain BEHAVIOUR. For example, the child hits his sibling. Automatically, our brain interprets that event with the thought that the child is being naughty which makes our blood boil (anger) and we yell at or hit the child
The thing is, whenever we allow a thought to be triggered by a particular set of events and we respond with a particular emotion which leads to certain behaviour, our brain triggers a connection from the event to the interpretation (thought) to the corresponding emotion and finally to the behaviour. The more we react to the same event by pulling up the same thought followed by the same emotion and reinforcing it with the same behaviour, the thicker and stronger the synapse (or pathway) from the event to the final behaviour becomes.
It gets to the extent that the pathway becomes “instinctive”. In other words, the final behaviour becomes instinctive whenever the interpretation or thought appears as a result of certain events. The link (arrow) from EVENT to BEHAVIOUR as well as from THOUGHT to BEHAVIOUR is now very strong and thick.
That is why some parents cannot even stop to breathe once the trigger is activated. That is why for many parents who have “anger management” issues, they cannot even remember to breathe once they feel angry.
So How?
Does that mean there is no cure once we have anger management issues? Thank goodness that is not the case. There is a cure. Otherwise I would still be having anger management issues.
I used to be an explosive mom. Despite knowing and doing my best to practice loving guidance, I had on many occasions yelled at my two older children when they were young. And even though it was rare, I have also been guilty of spanking them.
That was years ago before I learned about anger and why I exploded. With that knowledge and a lot of hard work (and mistakes), I overcame that “instinct” to yell at them and was also able to stop myself from raising my hands to their bottoms.
I have 3 children. My older two are 10 and 8 years older than my youngest child. They have often commented that their youngest sibling has a very different mom. Even though they have not been yelled at or hit for years, the trauma of how I had “disciplined” them with violence still remained.
That is why I strongly advocate for peaceful, loving discipline. Our children remember how we treat them, even if they may have forgiven us.
Visualise It Now
So how did I overcome my anger? It was through visualising what I would do when the “event” occurs.
Let us do a few simple exercises now.
Take two deep breaths slowly (BEHAVIOUR 1). Now visualise yourself calming down and creating the THOUGHT that your child needs your help. Then bring up the feeling of compassion and imagine yourself talking gently and lovingly with your child. You can even think of the “script” you would say to the child when you are calm (BEHAVIOUR 2).
Keep replaying that visualisation over and over again.
Why would that help? It helps because our brain cannot differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. It will still form synapses. Hence, when we visualise or imagine something, our brains will still trigger the connections. In other words, we can actually “rewire” our brains just by thinking!
The more we visualise ourselves doing this, the stronger the pathway (arrow).
If you can, keep repeating this visualisation several times a day. However, I shall be brutally honest here. After doing the exercise now (assuming that you have done it), most parents will most likely repeat this visualisation only when they explode the next time and feel guilty. They will remember they WERE SUPPOSED to take 2 deep breaths.
Instead of feeling guilty that you did not take 2 deep breaths but had exploded, just do your visualisation. Imagine yourself taking 2 deep breaths, creating the thought that your child needs help and you feeling compassion for him.
Then go through the script where you will speak gently and lovingly to him. Keep doing this EVERY TIME you explode. Do not give in to the guilt and replay how you have exploded. Otherwise you are reinforcing the synapse of you responding to events or behaviour of your child with anger. Stop the video of your mistake. Create a new video of you taking 2 deep breaths, calming down etc. Trust me, it works. It takes time and effort because we are rewiring our brain, but it works.
How do you know you have mastered “Taking 2 Breaths”?
When you feel irritated or frustrated, but not angry yet, you will find yourself taking the 2 deep breaths, feeling calmer and being better able to speak gently and lovingly.
You may also notice your explosions getting fewer in frequency and lesser in intensity. Your synapse below is ready.
When that happens, you are ready for Step 2.
What is Step 2?
Step 2 requires you to rewire events that make you feel your child is being naughty or intentionally making you upset.
Think about something your child does that typically causes you to explode. Imagine that she has done that. Now visualise yourself taking two deep breaths and calming down.
Keep doing this visualisation while practicing you taking 2 deep breaths, thinking and believing that your child needs help and you speaking gently and lovingly to her. Keep doing this until it becomes your default behaviour.
Once you can get from whatever triggers you (big or small) to taking your 2 deep breaths, the rest of loving guidance will follow.
Step 3
What? There is still Step 3?
Well, I never said changing our habitual instinctive behaviour is easy, did I? It takes effort and we need to cover different scenarios because right now the more easily triggered we are by anger, the more “roads” we have in our brains that lead to “Rome”. So we need to “destroy” those traditional paths and recreate new roads that lead to paradise.
So what is Step 3?
It is catching ourselves having the thought that our children are naughty. Whenever we have that thought, catch it and visualise ourselves taking 2 deep breaths. We want to create a strong pathway for this negative thought and link it to us taking 2 deep breaths.
When we find ourselves successfully catching ourselves referring to or thinking that our children are naughty and following that thought with 2 deep breaths, we would have succeeded in creating and strengthening these new pathways in our brain and weakening our old paths.
I have a few parents who confessed they would still scold and spank after they take their 2 deep breaths. The reason that happens is because their visualisation practice laid out in first part of the exercise (visualising taking deep breaths followed by the thought that their child needs help, followed by the feeling of compassion which leads them to be able to speak gently and lovingly) was not strong enough.
Good News!
This manner of rewiring our brain applies not only to anger management. It applies to all aspects, including getting rid of procrastination, overcoming fear, etc. The more vivid we can visualise what we would like happen, the faster and thicker the connection will grow and the sooner we will be able to exhibit the desired behaviour.
That is why our thoughts have power. When we keep replying old “videos” in our heads, feeling the same shame and guilt for our angry explosions, we are actually strengthening those undesirable explosions!
Instead of feeling shame, guilt and regret, play a different video, one where we do the right thing and say the right thing. Just keep replaying that video. It would be more productive in helping us change our behaviour.
Conclusion
I hope you have enjoyed the 3-part series of Dealing with Anger. We have looked at WHAT anger is, WHY we choose to react with anger, and HOW we can deal with anger. In my next post, I will share a little more about why teaching and disciplining with love is more productive and effective than teaching and disciplining with fear.
If you have found this blog helpful to you, do share it with your friends! Thank you.
Unfortunately, yelling is not an effective parenting tool. Because if it were effective, we wouldn’t find ourselves yelling about the same thing over and over again.
Why is it not effective? Because it puts us on “fight” mode. Our children then see us as a threat which leads to them flipping on THEIR “fight” switch (they start rebelling more) or they flip on their “flight” mode (they start feeling depressed)
It is sooooo tempting to yell. I know. Cos I used to be a yeller. BIG TIME yeller.
Look, I didn’t yell for no reason. I knew constant yelling was useless because it only made the kids tune out, which meant I would have to get louder and louder to get their attention. No. I had reserved my yelling for when I needed their immediate corrective action.
I became a yeller when I first became a parent. And I yelled even more when I had my second child, C. I yelled because the kids weren’t listening when I talked to them nicely. They weren’t doing what they were told. I got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I got mad. I felt my role as a parent being threatened. So I yelled, to get their attention, to show them I’m the boss, to tell them that’s it, no more warnings. And when I yelled, I typically startled myself. Yes, I was LOUD!
And one day, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. I saw something that should never be expressed in the eyes of young children. I saw immense fear in C’s eyes. She was just a tiny preschooler then. It was as if she had seen a monster. And I realised I was that monster.
Then I remembered. Yes, remembered because it is something I have always known but tend to forget when I am upset. I remembered my little ones were just children. They were still learning. Their brains were not mature enough to control their impulses. It was natural that they slipped up repeatedly.
I knew If I yelled every time they slipped up, they would start tuning me up. They might even start ganging up against me. So I ONLY yelled occasionally. But if I yelled when I felt it was the last straw, I became the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, unpredictable in my children’s eyes. I became my daughter’s biggest monster.
That was when I consciously veered away from yelling and researching for other more effective tools.
That was almost a decade ago. Did I still yell after that? Yes. With diminishing frequency, but yes, I still yelled. It took great discipline and self control on my part to not yell but teach and guide calmly.
In the last 5 years or so, I am glad I did not “explode” more than a couple of times. My breakthrough came earlier this year when I managed to control myself from yelling when I discovered my daughter (yes, the same one mentioned above) disregarded my rule for online safety and as a result became a victim of online grooming.
My daughter, my C, taught me to stop yelling. She was, and still is, my teacher. In fact, all my children are my greatest teachers. Because of them, I have become a much better human being.
For that, I am grateful.
What about you? Have you learned something because of your children? Pls share in the comments below.
