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When My Child Lied…

I’ve always thought of myself as an open and approachable mom. After all, I’m a mom who does her best to understand why her children would “misbehave” and address the reason for that “misbehavior” rather than attacking the behavior itself. After all, I’m a mom who listens to her children’s wishes, though whether those wishes are granted or not is a different matter. After all, I’m a mom who gives reasons for all her answers, esp if they are “No”s. After all…

Yet, I find my daughter lying to me over a trivial matter. Why would she do that?

Discovery of Deceit

A couple of nights ago, I discovered a bottle of “Sprite” and a packet of “junkie” snack in her backpack by accident. If she hadn’t behaved so suspiciously when I reached into her bag for a water bottle, I wouldn’t have even seen the “undesirables”.

It happened during her dance class. She had walked hurriedly toward me when she saw me unzip her backpack. After I put the water bottle back into her backpack, she quickly zipped it up and placed it further away from me before returning to her class. That got me suspicious. So I reached for her bag again. She saw me and quickly walked back to me.

This time, I saw the drink and junk snack.

“Did you buy these?” I asked.

“No,” she replied instantaneously.

I raised my eyebrows.

“Sorry, mom. I did buy them,” she muttered.

“hmm,” I replied. Then I shooed her back to join her dance mates.

Had I Contributed To My Child’s Need to Lie?

My mind was spinning. Normally, if she lied, I would give her the usual integrity-is-everything and lying-corrodes-trust kinds of talk.  But that evening, I had just received news of an 11-year-old boy who had apparently jumped off his 17-storey home because of an argument with his dad.

What could have pushed the boy over the edge?  I could only imagine the guilt the dad felt seeing his boy dead at the bottom of the building. I was thinking about what we could do when disciplining our children so that our parent-child relationships are not so shredded that our children lose all hope. But mainly, I was thinking of how sometimes we could be the ones who contribute to problems that our children get into.

So having my daughter lie to me made me pensive. I reflected upon myself. Why would she feel the need to lie?  What was it about me that would lead her to lie? Do I tend to over-react when she does something wrong? What can I do to ensure she wouldn’t feel she needs to lie to me again?

Throughout the dance lesson, I could tell she was very anxious. She kept stealing glances at me. Once, I stepped out of the class to make a call to my husband to see if he was coming to pick us up. When I went back in, she came over and asked, “What is it? Who were you talking to?” I told her I was talking to daddy and shooed her back to her class.

While changing out of her dance shoes after her class ended, she kept asking me, “What is it?” every time I looked at her. I told her, “Nothing, dear. I just love looking at you.” Inside, I was hurting. I was still trying to figure out how to address this. It was obvious she was, dare I say it, fearful. What have I done that made her so afraid of me?

Finally, when we left the dance studio, she asked meekly, “Are you angry with me?”

I stopped and faced her. “Do I look angry?” I asked.

She shook her head. I told her I wasn’t angry, but disappointed she didn’t feel safe enough to tell me the truth. And I asked her why she felt she had to lie to me.

Her Expectation Of How I Would React

“I was afraid you will be upset,” she replied.

“Upset about what?” I asked

“Upset that I bought these things.” She said

“Why would I be upset?”

“Because they are bad for me,” she answered.

I told her I was not upset she had bought those stuff. I understood why she did it. It’s true it was not what I would have wanted her to do. She could have made better choices with her purchases, but was the act of buying those snacks wrong? I didn’t think so. What upset and disappointed me was that she chose to lie. If she had owned up, this whole incident would have been a non-issue. I might have talked about making better food choices, but that would have been it.

I asked her if she understood what I meant and she nodded her head.

“Did you tell daddy?” she asked.

“No, I didn’t,” I said and she heaved a sigh of relief.

“But I will,” I continued and she tensed up.

“Not because I want him to know you lied, but because I think it is important he understands you need more security to feel you can be honest. Both daddy and I need to work together to help you feel that way. Do you understand?” She nodded.

“I’m sorry, mom,” she said.

“I’m sorry too,” I replied.

Lesson for Me

Indeed, I am sorry. I’m sorry I hadn’t let her feel safe enough to be truthful. That is something I need to work harder towards so she knows she is safe telling me anything.

If she feels the need to hide from me the truth about where she got her junkie snacks from, I can’t imagine what bigger stuff she would hide from me in the future simply because she is afraid I would get upset or angry.

I need to let her feel safe and assured of my love regardless of what she does. I need to let her feel that I will be by her side, that I will be there to help her through all problems big and small, when she messes up. That my daughter “fears” me, or rather fears upsetting me was a big wake up call for me.

Lesson for My Child

For my daughter, she realized the anxiety she faced doing something she knew I disapproved of, and worse when she lied about it. She was worried about how I would feel. She was anxious that her dad would find out. An innocent act of me getting a water bottle from her backpack had sent her running to me. A glance from me had put her on the edge. Seeing me on the phone with her dad had made her tense.

She learnt about the power of her conscience. It didn’t matter if anyone knew what she did or not. Her conscience knew, and it had kept her on the edge, constantly worried that others would find out.

She learnt a Chinese saying, “If you don’t want people to know about it, then don’t do it.”

She also learnt a far more important lesson.  That her lying had cost her her credibility.

I had asked her how many times she had bought stuff like that and she said this was the only time. When I raised my eyebrows in doubt, she looked me in the eye and said again, “I am not lying.  This IS the first time.”

To which I replied softly, “And why would I believe that?”

She lowered her eyes and said, “No, there is no reason why you should believe that. Not after I lied to you just now.”

I asked her if she saw how destructive lying could be.

“Yes, mom. Integrity is everything. Now you will doubt everything I say.”

“So what can we do about that?”

“Never lie again,” she said.

I assured her I can take anything she tells me, I might be upset, but I will still be on her side as long as she is truthful. I stressed the importance of her being honest, so I can continue to trust her, so she doesn’t have to dig herself into deeper trouble with more lies. I promised her I would not go ballistic with any truth she tells me.

Sure, she was wrong to lie. But I believe it takes two for lying to occur. And I will do my best to create an environment that encourages truthfulness, an environment of trust in both directions.

What about you?  What do you do when you find your child lying to you?

– Vivian –

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3 Reasons Why Our Children Are Worth The Investment…

 

… of resources taken to upgrade our parenting knowledge and skills.

1) Our Children Are Our Future

I believe we can all agree that our children are more than the grades that they get. We invest everything we have in their education and development not just so they can get excellent grades. We invest in our children because we love them and we want them to be the best that they can be. We invest in them so they can become the ones who lead, shape and create our future.

When our children grow up, they are going to be the movers and shakers of our society. The children we have at home are going to be the leaders of tomorrow, the creators of our future. They will be the ones who will shape humanity in one way or another. They are our future. Not just the future of our families. They are the future of humanity.

And because we are responsible for bringing them up to fulfill their roles in society, we need to sharpen our saws and upgrade our parenting knowledge and skills. It doesn’t matter whether it’s through reading books/websites/blogs on parenting, or listening to podcasts, or attending parenting programs, our children are worth the investment in time and money. But why should we improve yourselves, you may ask.

2) Our Children Deserve The Parents That We Can Be

Given that they are the future of humanity, we want to do our very best to help them develop. We pour in so much resources ensuring they do well in school, that they are exposed to music, sports, and all other enrichment programs so they are mentally, socially, emotionally and physically developed. We do everything we can to help them be the best that they can be. And that is great! What if I tell you, we can do even better?

It’s not just the children’s job to be the best they can be. We can’t outsource everything. There are things we need to do as parents. How do we parent them? How do we communicate with them? How do we express our love to them? How do we encourage them? How do we discipline them? There is a whole ton of studies and research out there on how these seemingly innocuous interactions have a HUGE impact on the development on our children. We can’t send our children to enrichment classes for that. After all, these are “parenting skills”, meant for parents. To help our children be the best they can be, we need to invest in our own parenting education.

We want the best for our children. They rely on us to give them the best exposures, the best learning opportunities, the best environment to grow and develop, based on our abilities of course. They also rely on us to know how to parent them well. They deserve the parents that we can be for them, and to be able to do that, we can learn and upgrade our parenting knowledge and skills.

3) When We Work Together, We Achieve More

Parenting cannot be outsourced. If our children “misbehave”, we can’t just send them for a program or camp and hope they can change their attitude and behavior. That might work for a while. But imagine if we ourselves learned enough to understand why they behave the way they do. Imagine if we arm ourselves with the skills and know-how on how to deal with those “challenges”. How would it be like if we, with proper understanding and know-how, work TOGETHER with our children? How much more growth and development can our children achieve? How much closer our relationship will be with our children?

It is my deepest desire that parents take the leap, make that investment in themselves and upgrade their parenting knowledge and skills so they can be more attuned to their children. When parents are attuned to their children, they will develop strong connections with them. With strong connections, they will know how to communicate and motivate their children. It is when connections are strong and communication links are opened that the children will be willing to listen to their parents. It is through learning more about parenting that parents can achieve all that and help their children be the best they can be. More importantly, they can still remain in loving relationship with their children.

When more and more parents do that, we can bring up a strong generation of leaders, movers and shakers. We can co-create a future that will bring mankind to another golden age.

Are you willing to invest in yourself so you can bring out the best in your children? If you are, one of the options available to you is to check out our Decoding Your Teen Seminar. I look forward to seeing you!

– Vivian –

 

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What To Do When Kids Fight?

Let’s accept one thing. Conflicts are inevitable. Disagreements are bound to arise. Children cannot avoid conflict, nor should they avoid conflict by always giving in. As their parents, teachers/caregivers, we can help them manage the level their conflicts escalate to. More importantly, we can help them manage how they resolve their conflicts.

Some parents/teachers punish the “perpetrator” because he was the one who started it. But that overlooks the possibility that there is an underlying reason that needs addressing. Some parents/teachers punish both, or all, children involved regardless of who started it since it takes two or more to tango. But that creates resentment because a child could just be protecting herself yet she was punished for it. So what can we do when children fight? We teach them how to resolve their conflict, of course. But how?  Here is an example of how to intervene in our children’s conflicts.

A parent hears her two children arguing and fighting. She refrains from intervening to allow the children the opportunity to resolve the issue themselves. When the fight becomes physical, a boundary has been crossed and that is when she decides to intervene.

1) Set Boundaries For Their Words and Actions

When children fight, they can be really mean and spiteful. The first thing we do is to set boundaries for what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour.

Child 1:     You are always so rude!
Child 2:     You are a selfish brat!
Both:         (physically hit each other)
Parent:     Alright, both of you. You need to stop. Both of you are really upset with each other. I can hear you arguing from the other side of the house and I see you two physically fighting when I got here. In this household, we treat one another with respect. We do not hit, nor do we call one another mean names.  What happened?

Why do this? When we clearly state the boundaries for their words and actions, we reinforce what is acceptable behaviour and what isn’t.  By calmly intervening and asking what happened, we role model the behaviour of not jumping into conclusion but seeking clarifications first.

2) Listen to Each Child Without Judgment

Like us, children have reasons for behaving the way they do. Their reasons may not be sound to us. Nonetheless, those reasons have triggered them to behave the way they did. Hence it is important to hear them out. Listen to each child as he/she tells us what happened. Practice active listening by reflecting back what they have told us to ensure we have accurately understood what they have said. It is important to listen impartially to their accounts so they will be open in what they tell us.

Parent:     (To Child 1) Tell me what happened.
Child 1:     He couldn’t find his ruler so he took mine. He did not even ask me if he could! Then he broke it!
Parent:     He took your ruler without your permission when he couldn’t find his. Then he broke your ruler. Is that what happened?
Child 1:     Yes.
Parent:     Thank you for sharing your point of view.

Parent:     (To Child 2) Your sister said you took her ruler without her permission and you broke it. What happened?
Child 2:     She hid my ruler because she was upset I used it to tap on the table.
Child 1:     He was so irritating.
Parent:     (to Child 1) It is his turn to talk. I will come back to you later. Please let him finish. (Back to Child 2) Please continue.
Child 2:     So I took her ruler. Then she threw her eraser at me because I took her ruler. That made me so angry I clenched my fists and broke her ruler. Then she hit me.
Parent:     You took her ruler without asking because she hid yours to stop you from using it to tap on the table. When she threw her eraser at you, you got so angry you broke her ruler. Then she hit you. Is that correct?
Child 2:     Yes.
Parent:     Thank you for sharing your point of view.

Parent:     (To Child 1) Your brother said he took your ruler without asking because you hid his. Is that right?
Child 1:     Yes. I was trying to read my book and he was making so much noise.
Parent:     Thank you.

Why do this? While this looks time consuming, it is an extremely important first step to conflict resolution. When each child feels his side of the story is heard without judgment, he becomes less defensive. The time consuming questioning is deliberate as it allows both angry children to breathe, calm down and think clearly.

3) Help Each Child Reflect On Where His/Her Anger Got Him/Her

Once we have established what happened from the children, help them see where their emotions got them.

Parent:     (To Child 1) How did you feel when he was tapping his ruler on the table while you were reading?
Child 1:     I was very irritated. I was getting a headache from all that noise.
Child 2:     But you didn’t say anything!
Parent:     (To Child 2) It’s her turn to talk. Please wait for your turn. (To Child 1) Please continue.
Child 1:     So when he went to the bathroom, I kept his ruler.
Parent:     What happened after that?
Child 1:     He couldn’t find his ruler and he took mine.
Parent:     How did you feel then?
Child 1:     I got angry. He is always taking my things without my permission.
Parent:     You got angry. What did you do then?
Child 1:     I threw my eraser at him.
Parent:     Hmm, and he broke your ruler after that.
Child 1:     Yes! I got so mad. That’s my only ruler and he broke it!
Parent:     You got so mad you hit him.
Child 1:     Yes. He deserved it.
Parent:     Thank you for letting me know how you feel. What did you do when you were irritated by his tapping?
Child 1:     I tried to cover my ears with my pillow.
Parent:     Why do you think he took your ruler?
Child 1:     Because he couldn’t find his.
Parent:     Why do you think he broke your ruler?
Child 1:     Because he was mean.
Parent:     Would he have broken your ruler if you didn’t throw the eraser at him?
Child 1:     Maybe.
Parent:     But after you threw the eraser at him, would it make him angry enough to do something, like breaking your ruler?
Child 1:     Yes.

Parent:     (To Child 2) How did you feel when you couldn’t find your ruler?
Child 2:     I knew she had taken it. She took my ruler without my permission. So I just took her ruler. She started taking without permission first.
Parent:     You felt she deserved to be punished so you took her ruler too.
Child 2:     Yes.
Parent:     Why do you think she threw her eraser at you?
Child 2:     Because she is being selfish. She cannot share.
Parent:     How did you feel when she took your ruler without asking?
Child 2:     Upset.
Parent:     You felt upset when she took your ruler without asking.  How do you think she felt when you took her ruler without asking?
Child 2:     Maybe she felt upset too.
Parent:     You were angry when she threw her eraser. Would she have thrown her eraser if you hadn’t taken her ruler without her permission?
Child 2:     No.
Parent:     Would you have broken her ruler if she hadn’t thrown the eraser at you?
Child 2:     No. I have no intention of breaking her ruler at all. I just needed to use it.
Parent:     Let me see if I got this right.  You felt that she deserved to be punished for hiding your ruler so you took her ruler.  But that triggered her to throw her eraser at you which then made you so angry you broke her ruler. What happened after you broke her ruler in anger?
Child 2:     She hit me.

Why do this? This extended conversation allows the children to see how each of their self righteous or angry decision lead from one thing to another. In addition, it also gives the children an opportunity to hear the other side of the story and the reasons behind the emotions and actions the other party exhibited. Just so we are clear, doing so does not  justify their behavior. Instead, we are allowing them to help the other party understand their reactions and letting them understand how their behavior affect one another. This reflection is important as it will help them learn to think through their actions in the future. It will also help them develop social intelligence on why others behave the way they do.

4) Help Each Child Reflect On How The Other Child Felt

After each child has had the opportunity to share why they felt the way they did, and reflect on how their emotions led to the series of events, it is time to help them see things from the other perspective.

Parent:     (To Child 1) How do you think your brother felt when he couldn’t find his ruler after his bathroom break?
Child 1:     Frustrated. He probably knew I took it.
Parent:     How do you think he felt when you threw the eraser at him?
Child 1:     Angry.
Parent:     How do you think he felt when you hit him?
Child 1:     Even angrier.
Parent:     Thank you for putting yourself in his shoes.

Parent:     (To Child 2) How do you think your sister felt when you were tapping your ruler?
Child 2:     She said she was irritated but I was concentrating on my school work and not paying attention to her. I really didn’t know it was bothering her.
Parent:     No need to justify your action, thank you. How do you think she felt when you took her ruler without asking?
Child 2:     She probably didn’t like it. She’s very protective of her belongings.
Parent:     How do you think she felt when she you broke her ruler?
Child 2:     Very mad.
Parent:     Thank you for thinking about how she felt.

Why do this? When children put themselves in the shoes of the other person, it allows them to develop empathy for how the other person feels.

5) Help Them Brainstorm For Peaceful Solutions

After the children have had the chance to think through the impact of their emotions and actions, as well as put themselves in the shoes of the other person, it is timely to help them brainstorm peaceful solutions to prevent a similar occurrence.

Parent:     (To Child 1) What would you do differently next time when your brother does something that bothers you, like tapping his ruler?
Child 1:     I will let him know the sound bothers me.

Parent:     (To Child 2) What would you do when your sister tells you that something you are doing is bothering her?
Child 2:     I will stop.
Parent:     What will you do when you need to borrow something from your sister?
Child 2:     I will ask her for permission first.

Parent:     (To Child 1) What will you do if your brother forgot to ask you for permission before borrowing your things?
Child 1:     I will remind him. I will also try to be generous and share even if he doesn’t ask for my permission, though I would still very much like him to ask first.

Parent:     (To Child 2) Now that you have broken your sister’s ruler, what are you going to do about it?
Child 2:     I will buy her another one to replace it.

Parent:     (To both children) Do you both have anything to say to each other?
Child 1:     I’m sorry for everything, especially for hitting you.
Child 2:     I’m sorry for taking your ruler and breaking it.
Parent:     Thank you both for working through this peacefully. Please remember to put yourselves in each other’s shoes more in the future.

Why do this? This process helps them to be more empathetic and to de-escalate and brainstorm for solutions in the future by themselves. By thinking about how their actions affect the other person, it helps them develop regulate their own emotions and impulse control.

“But This Is So Time Consuming!”

Some of you might be thinking, “But this is too time consuming! I just want my children to stop fighting RIGHT NOW.”

My humble suggestion is to give it a try several times. My children are able to work through most of their conflicts with each other themselves using the same technique. They learned to tell the other sibling how they felt when that other sibling did something that upset them. Many times, the irritations were unintentional and as a result of that communication, the conflicts de-escalated very quickly. More often than not, they would receive an apology. While I still need to intervene occasionally, my involvement in their conflicts have reduced dramatically.

Children are not naturally mean. They just need to be guided on how to manage their conflicts. And as their parents, caregivers and teachers, it is our responsibility to help them through the process of conflict management in a peaceful manner. Needless to say, it is also very important for us, as adults, to manage conflicts peacefully ourselves. The children under our care are always watching what we do.

What peaceful interventions do you use when your children fight?

– Vivian –

 

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8 Ways To Help Siblings Get Along

 

One of the most common problems parents face is the difficulty in having their children get along harmoniously. Conflicts exist in ALL relationships because disagreements are inevitable. Hence it is unrealistic to expect our children to ALWAYS get along. However, we can help our children reduce the frequency and intensity of their conflicts by helping them build a more harmonious relationship with one another.

Here are 8 ways we can achieve that.

1) Spend Uninterrupted Time With Each Child Daily

Let each child know he has a special place in our hearts. Children who are loved and feel secure tend to fight less. Spend 15-20 minutes of uninterrupted time with each child daily. If we have little ones who nap, we can spend a little of that time to interact individually with the older ones who no longer nap. Or if our kids are older and can be left at home on their own, go to the grocery store with one of them. Or prepare a meal together. Steal little pockets of time throughout the day to spend one-on-one time with each of our children. Ask them what was difficult for them that day. Listen to how their day went. And remember to tell each and every one of them, “I love you” DAILY. Not just a cursory “love ya”, but a look-them-in-the-eye, I-am-serious, “I love you”.

2) Create An Appreciative Environment At Home

Sometimes children get so caught up in the little fights they have with their siblings they forget the goodness in one another. Create opportunities constantly for them to remind themselves how much they appreciate one another. One way to do this is to have everyone takesturns saying something appreciative or positive about everyone else in the family during dinner. Not only will the person expressing appreciation have increased feelings of positivity towards the others, the one at the receiving end feels good and appreciated. Mutual feelings of positivity increase connectedness. When there is connectedness, there is more empathy and less reason to fight.

3) Be Watchful For Positive Interaction

As the saying goes, “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”. As parents, we tend to “ignore” our children when they are getting along. But when they start fighting, we would miraculously materialise to stop their fights. So sometimes children unconsciously fight to get our attention. To avoid that, take time to praise them and catch them when they are interacting and playing well together. Be on the lookout for moments when they are cooperating or helping one another and thank them for doing so. When they know they get positive attention from us when they get along, there are fewer reasons for them to fight and get our negative attention.

4) Never Compare The Child

Comparison sours relationships. The child who gets compared poorly against another child, or worse, her own sibling, will grow to resent that other child. Or the child who gets compared favourably against another child, especially her own sibling, will feel superior and behave in that manner to that other child. Either way, resentment or superiority does not support collaborative or peaceful relationships. Treat each child as the special being that she is. Acknowledge her strengths without putting down another person and develop her weaknesses without showing her up against someone else. When our children do not feel they are better or worse than another child, they will have more harmonious relationships with one another.

5) Help Them See One Another As Their Teachers

When someone irritates us, we can either choose to be frustrated, or think about what we can learn from that someone. If one child is testing the patience of another, help the other child see it as an opportunity for him to learn how to stop the “perpetrator” peacefully. AND teach the child who is irritating the other that he is learning self-control to stop being irritating. The more children learn to see others as their teachers, the more ownership they have in learning their lessons. They will stop seeing themselves as victims of others (eg “he was testing my patience”) or victims of circumstances (eg “it was a wonderful opportunity to tease him”). Helping them see one another as their teachers allow them to reduce the animosity of their fights and turn them into lessons for learning instead.

6) Stop Tattletaling

While it is helpful to have a child who toes the line and obeys all rules, it is detrimental to let that child become the rule-upholder of the family. Tattletaling hurts sibling relationships. As parents, we can thank the tattletaler for knowing the rules well but let her know that turning in her siblings betrays their trust in her. Refrain from disciplining the other children who were told upon. When we discourage tattletaling, our children will learn to trust one another more. With increased trust, their relationship will improve and they will get along better.

7) Role Model Conflict Resolution

Actions speak louder than words. To teach our children how to resolve their conflicts peacefully, we need to role model that for them. What do our children see and hear when someone cuts into our lane when we are driving? Do we curse the inconsiderate driver and blast our horn? What will our children learn instead if we wonder out loud, “That person seems to be in a hurry. We can let him go ahead of us.” Or “I wish I can let that person cut in, but we’re really in a big hurry.” Our children are also watching our day-to-day interaction at home. What do we do when we have a disagreement with our spouse? Do we shout our point of view and slam doors in frustration? Or do we talk calmly over our differences? Children pick up our responses to conflicts very rapidly. When we role model how to get along with others, our children will learn it quickly and naturally.

8) Rethink Punishments, Especially Corporal Punishments

Corporal punishment means inflicting physical pain on someone for something they have done wrong. When we inflict pain on our children for their wrongdoing, we are teaching them to do likewise to those whom they think have done something wrong to them. Let us correct misbehavior peacefully and lovingly so our children can learn how to do likewise. Like role modeling conflict resolution, the way we discipline our children teaches them how to “discipline” others, especially their siblings.

How do you help your children get along?

– Vivian –