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Dealing with Anger (Part 3) – How to Overcome Anger

We have previously looked at the  “WHAT” (read Part 1 here) and “WHY” (read Part 2 here) aspects of ANGER. 

In Part 3, we will look at the “HOW”.  How do we control and deal with our anger?

What We Can Do

1) Identify the Fear

In Part 2 of Dealing with Anger, I mentioned that ANGER is the mask for FEAR.

Whenever we get angry, it’s because a fear is triggered. And instead of feeling paralysed by the fear, we put on our ANGRY mask so we can “fight” the threat.  In other words, instead of dealing with the fear, we attack whatever it is that exposes that fear.

What we see on the surface is ANGER (shouting, hitting etc).  But beneath that surface is a whole range of other emotions that is almost always backed by fear.  

For example, most of us instinctively get angry when someone points out our mistakes. But what do we actually feel?  Most probably it was embarrassment.  However, the underlying emotion is actually our fear of “losing face”.

Or if someone cuts us off in traffic, we feel indignant that the other driver is being rude and we honk angrily at him.  But our underlying emotion could be our fear of being late. It could even be due to our kiasuism (fear of losing) to other driver. 

Or if, instead of us, a colleague gets promoted. Some of us may feel jealous. We may complain about unfairness or even resign in anger. But actually what is triggered is our subconscious fear that our contribution is not being recognised by our bosses.

Of if our child throws a tantrum.  Out of frustration, we yell, shout or hit the child. But if we analyse it further, it could be our fear of not knowing how to help our child. I know some parents fear becoming the parent they vowed never to be. I was one of them. It took me a long time to overcome that fear. I’ll share how I overcome that in a moment. 

The point is whenever we get angry, there actually lies a host of emotions (frustration, jealousy, embarrassment etc) beneath that ANGER. And if we dig further, those emotions always stem from fear.

How does knowing that help us?  

Every time we feel angry, even if we have already exploded, we need to take the time to reflect and identify the emotion that triggered that anger.  More importantly, we must identify the fear that is triggered. After a while, we will discover certain fears keep surfacing.  

2) Identify the Fear Pattern

What are the fears that keep surfacing? Is it the fear of “losing face”? Why are we afraid of losing face? Is it because we are worried people will think/know we have FAILED to do it right? 

Or is it kiasuism, our fear of losing? Why are we afraid to lose? Is it because we don’t want to appear lousier than others? Because that would mean we have FAILED to win?

Or is it the fear of becoming someone whom we have vowed never to become? Why is it fearful to become that person? Is it because we know that person is flawed and if we are becoming like them, it means we too are flawed, that we have FAILED at being better?

Or is it fear of the unknown, fear of change? Why is change or the unknown so fearful? Is it because we don’t know how to respond or deal with it, that we will FAIL to adapt?

We need to keep asking questions and drill as deeply as possible to uncover our hidden fears.

Most of the time, we will realise our root fear is the fear of failure. And that comes from our fear of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH. 

3) Question the Validity of the Fear

The fear of failure is deeply entrenched in our psyche, especially in our culture.  We were brought up in a society where failure, or making mistakes, is frowned upon and not seen as an essential step towards learning.  Some of us were brought up where we were not given second chances, or were very harshly punished for our mistakes.  

I used to beat myself up badly every time I messed up. I would feel guilty, and with each loss in my temper, I would feel more inadequate then ever. Not only did I feel I wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH, I actually felt I was worse than the parent I did not want to become. Why? Because, compared to my parent, I had done so much reading and studying about becoming a good parent. Yet I had failed to do what I wanted to do.  I was convinced I was a lousy, terrible, unworthy parent to my children.

Until one day, I had an epiphany. 

I used to have a parent who would punish me when I messed up. Not only did I get a tongue lashing, I would get a physical lashing as well.  Even if I had scored 97 marks in my Math test, I would receive 3 lashings for not scoring 100.  And if I scored 99, then it would be 1 very hard lashing, because I was SO CLOSE yet not achieve 100.  I remember scoring 77 marks once.  Those were dark days…  I was brought up to fear failure, to fear mistakes.

What led to my epiphany was I realised I hadn’t been scolded nor received lashings for more than 30 years.  Yet that blueprint of being whipped and lashed had been so ingrained in me that I had became my greatest punisher. I realised I was the one who had made my life extremely difficult especially when my journey was rough. I had become my harshest critic to prevent failing or making mistakes. But my harshness sunk me to greater depths of despair whenever I failed and each “sinking” was harder to climb out of.  How could I ever be the parent I want to be if I were so lousy?  

So I went on a quest to learn how to overcome the conditioning that failure needs to be “beaten” out of me, that I am never good enough, even if I am at 99%.

And this is what I learned on my quest.

We need to really question the validity of our fear of failure. Past failures do not mean future failures, otherwise none of us would have ever learned to walk, ride a bike, swim, or do almost anything. How many of us learned to do anything the very first time we did them?  Most of us had failed repeatedly before we succeeded in doing anything well.  Yet, because we had persevered, each failure helped us learn where we went wrong and we became better. 

So instead of saying we are not good enough, or that failure is bad, a strong mantra or affirmation we can use is this:

“I am doing the best I can given the circumstances I am in with the knowledge and skills I have.”

“Failure and learning from past mistakes are necessary for growth and success.”

That way, we don’t beat ourselves up when we have yet to reach success.  We will have the strength to pick ourselves up, learn, and have another go until we get it right.

These mantras have helped me so much in managing my “failures”, in helping me pick myself up and learn to be better.  They have empowered me to feel I CAN be better and they did not sink me into the depths of despair. 

It sounds simple, but actually takes a lot of courage and resilience to press on and not get buried by mistakes.  When the going got tough, and it frequently did and still does, I just thought about Thomas Edison. When asked how he felt failing  10,000 times before he invented the lightbulb, he replied, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

The key here is to know we can do it and keep working on finding a solution without beating ourselves up.

BUT some parents tell me, “I can’t control my explosions! Even before I can analyse my fear, my anger has already gripped me and I have exploded. So how?”

4)  BREATHE!

When we feel that familiar gush of anger flooding into our system, the very first step is to take a deep breath. It takes conscious effort and determination to not let the anger control us. The wonder of taking that ONE deep breath is that most people will find their brains less foggy and they can think better after that one deep breath . It is through this first step that anger can be controlled.

Unfortunately, that is one of the hardest thing to do. I have encountered so many parents who say that once they are gripped by anger, they would lash out instinctively. They only remember they need to take a deep breath after their anger is spent.  Why?  

Usually when an EVENT happens, we have a THOUGHT or interpretation about it. That THOUGHT triggers us feel a particular EMOTION which leads to a certain BEHAVIOUR. For example, the child hits his sibling. Automatically, our brain interprets that event with the thought that the child is being naughty which makes our blood boil (anger) and we yell at or hit the child

The thing is, whenever we allow a thought to be triggered by a particular set of events and we respond with a particular emotion which leads to certain behaviour, our brain triggers a connection from the event to the interpretation (thought) to the corresponding emotion and finally to the behaviour.  The more we react to the same event by pulling up the same thought followed by the same emotion and reinforcing it with the same behaviour, the thicker and stronger the synapse (or pathway) from the event to the final behaviour becomes.

It gets to the extent that the pathway becomes “instinctive”. In other words, the final behaviour becomes instinctive whenever the interpretation or thought appears as a result of certain events.  The link (arrow) from EVENT to BEHAVIOUR as well as from THOUGHT to BEHAVIOUR is now very strong and thick.

That is why some parents cannot even stop to breathe once the trigger is activated.  That is why for many parents who have “anger management” issues, they cannot even remember to breathe once they feel angry. 

So How?

Does that mean there is no cure once we have anger management issues?  Thank goodness that is not the case. There is a cure. Otherwise I would still be having anger management issues. 

I used to be an explosive mom. Despite knowing and doing my best to practice loving guidance, I had on many occasions yelled at my two older children when they were young. And even though it was rare, I have also been guilty of spanking them. 

That was years ago before I learned about anger and why I exploded. With that knowledge and a lot of hard work (and mistakes), I overcame that “instinct” to yell at them and was also able to stop myself from raising my hands to their bottoms.

I have 3 children. My older two are 10 and 8 years older than my youngest child. They have often commented that their youngest sibling has a very different mom. Even though they have not been yelled at or hit for years, the trauma of how I had “disciplined” them with violence still remained.

That is why I strongly advocate for peaceful, loving discipline. Our children remember how we treat them, even if they may have forgiven us.

Visualise It Now

So how did I overcome my anger? It was through visualising what I would do when the “event” occurs.  

Let us do a few simple exercises now.

Take two deep breaths slowly (BEHAVIOUR 1). Now visualise yourself calming down and creating the THOUGHT that your child needs your help. Then bring up the feeling of compassion and imagine yourself talking gently and lovingly with your child. You can even think of the “script” you would say to the child when you are calm (BEHAVIOUR 2).  

Keep replaying that visualisation over and over again. 

Why would that help?  It helps because our brain cannot differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary.  It will still form synapses. Hence, when we visualise or imagine something, our brains will still trigger the connections. In other words, we can actually “rewire” our brains just by thinking!

The more we visualise ourselves doing this, the stronger the pathway (arrow).

If you can, keep repeating this visualisation several times a day.  However, I shall be brutally honest here.  After doing the exercise now (assuming that you have done it), most parents will most likely repeat this visualisation only when they explode the next time and feel guilty.  They will remember they WERE SUPPOSED to take 2 deep breaths. 

Instead of feeling guilty that you did not take 2 deep breaths but had exploded, just do your visualisation. Imagine yourself taking 2 deep breaths, creating the thought that your child needs help and you feeling compassion for him.  

Then go through the script where you will speak gently and lovingly to him.  Keep doing this EVERY TIME you explode.  Do not give in to the guilt and replay how you have exploded. Otherwise you are reinforcing the synapse of you responding to events or behaviour of your child with anger.  Stop the video of your mistake.  Create a new video of you taking 2 deep breaths, calming down etc.   Trust me, it works.  It takes time and effort because we are rewiring our brain, but it works. 

How do you know you have mastered “Taking 2 Breaths”?

When you feel irritated or frustrated, but not angry yet, you will find yourself taking the 2 deep breaths, feeling calmer and being better able to speak gently and lovingly.  

You may also notice your explosions getting fewer in frequency and lesser in intensity. Your synapse below is ready.

When that happens, you are ready for Step 2.

What is Step 2?

Step 2 requires you to rewire events that make you feel your child is being naughty or intentionally making you upset.

Think about something your child does that typically causes you to explode. Imagine that she has done that. Now visualise yourself taking two deep breaths and calming down. 

Keep doing this visualisation while practicing you taking 2 deep breaths, thinking and believing that your child needs help and you speaking gently and lovingly to her. Keep doing this until it becomes your default behaviour.

Once you can get from whatever triggers you (big or small) to taking your 2 deep breaths, the rest of loving guidance will follow.  

Step 3

What? There is still Step 3?

Well, I never said changing our habitual instinctive behaviour is easy, did I?  It takes effort and we need to cover different scenarios because right now the more easily triggered we are by anger, the more “roads” we have in our brains that lead to “Rome”.  So we need to “destroy” those traditional paths and recreate new roads that lead to paradise. 

So what is Step 3?

It is catching ourselves having the thought that our children are naughty. Whenever we have that thought, catch it and visualise ourselves taking 2 deep breaths. We want to create a strong pathway for this negative thought and link it to us taking 2 deep breaths.

When we find ourselves successfully catching ourselves referring to or thinking that our children are naughty and following that thought with 2 deep breaths, we would have succeeded in creating and strengthening these new pathways in our brain and weakening our old paths.

I have a few parents who confessed they would still scold and spank after they take their 2 deep breaths. The reason that happens is because their visualisation practice laid out in first part of the exercise (visualising taking deep breaths followed by the thought that their child needs help, followed by the feeling of compassion which leads them to be able to speak gently and lovingly) was not strong enough. 

Good News!

This manner of rewiring our brain applies not only to anger management.  It applies to all aspects, including getting rid of procrastination, overcoming fear, etc. The more vivid we can visualise what we would like happen, the faster and thicker the connection will grow and the sooner we will be able to exhibit the desired behaviour.

That is why our thoughts have power. When we keep replying old “videos” in our heads, feeling the same shame and guilt for our angry explosions, we are actually strengthening those undesirable explosions! 

Instead of feeling shame, guilt and regret, play a different video, one where we do the right thing and say the right thing.  Just keep replaying that video.  It would be more productive in helping us change our behaviour.

Conclusion

I hope you have enjoyed the 3-part series of Dealing with Anger.  We have looked at WHAT anger is, WHY we choose to react with anger, and HOW we can deal with anger.  In my next post, I will share a little more about why teaching and disciplining with love is more productive and effective than teaching and disciplining with fear.

If you have found this blog helpful to you, do share it with your friends!  Thank you.

Happy Parenting!!

Update: You can read the first two parts of the Dealing with Anger series here:
Part 1: What is Anger
Part 2: Why We Choose Anger

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Dealing with Anger (Part 1) – What is Anger?

In my book, Decoding Your Child, I wrote about dealing with anger and tantrums in our children, including teens.  I shared that the exhibition of such behaviour was a result of their lack of maturity and their inability to control their emotions which could be exacerbated by stress, lack of sleep, hunger etc.  I also shared strategies on what we can do when our children throw tantrums.

However, I realised many parents also throw temper tantrums.  Despite knowing the strategies to overcome their explosive tempers, they have difficulty applying those strategies and overcoming their anger when it grips them.  And because they cannot control their anger, their children too have difficulty controlling theirs.  After all, the children are just modeling what they see their parents do when the latter get angry.

Hence, I would like to DECODE anger a little more so that we can help ourselves, and in turn, our children, manage anger.

Why decode anger?  It is the same reason why we decode our children. To deal with an emotion (ANGER), we must first understand WHAT the emotion is and WHY it happens before we can effectively work on HOW to overcome it.

Anger management is a very big topic and there is a lot to share.  Even in my most simplified version, it is too long to be published as one blog. Hence, it will be released as a 3-part series.

In Part 1 of Dealing with Anger, we will deal with the aspect of “WHAT” and decode ANGER. I will explain WHAT happens to our body when we get angry and why our body reacts to anger the way it does.

In Part 2, we will analyse the “WHY” aspect and understand WHY we choose ANGER instead of the emotion that it is hiding.

In Part 3 of the series, we will look at the “HOW” and practice a very simple strategy we can use to manage ANGER.

Angry Parents

Truth be told, many parents have anger management issues towards their children. Some are oblivious towards that anger and think it is normal to yell at, curse or hit their children.  However, most parents are often shocked, embarrassed and guilt-ridden by their exhibition of anger towards their children after they cooled down even if they don’t admit to anyone.

I have met many parents who told me that while they had felt angry before, they had never “exploded” in anger in their entire lives until they became parents. As a result, they never knew they had so much anger in them. And they cannot comprehend why the people they loved most, the ones they would willingly die to protect, became the people who faced their worst wrath.  

So what is the matter?  Why do we exhibit so much anger (and violence) towards our defenseless children? 

Decoding ANGER

To understand the “whys”, we need to understand the “whats”. To resolve anger issues, we need to first decode ANGER. WHAT exactly is ANGER and WHAT purpose does it serve?

What happens to our body when we are angry? 

When we “get angry”, most of us suddenly feel our hearts thumping against our chest. We will also feel a heat rising up from our necks to our face and head. Some people may find themselves clenching their fists.  Some feel their ears ringing and their minds going blank.  And most, if not all, will react instinctively.

Let us imagine for a moment.  You are walking on a sidewalk towards a blind corner.  Suddenly, a cyclist rounds the corner and comes charging towards you at high speed.  Before you can react, he swerves and narrowly misses you.  By this time, your heart is thumping like crazy and your brain is buzzing. What will you do? Will you curse or yell at the cyclist? Or will you shake your head and continue walking calmly?

For most people, the immediate reaction will be to explode in anger, either cursing or yelling at the cyclist who is now long gone. Some may even chase the cyclist and attack him to “teach him a lesson”.

Why does our body react that way to ANGER?

Anger triggers a rush of adrenaline into our bodies.  That makes our heart beat faster which leads to quickening of our breaths and gushing of blood to our face and head.  That serves to prepare our body for fight or flight for the purpose of self preservation.  

All of us have a set of “out-of-bound” (OB) markers whether we are aware of it or not. Anything that is good and is of no danger to us is within the OB markers. Anything that we deem bad, dangerous, offending etc  is considered to have “crossed the line” and will be labeled “out-of-bounds”.  Hence, our OB markers exist to protect us, to ensure we are safe and happy. 

When something crosses outside our OB markers, it means we are experiencing something is labelled “bad” or “dangerous”. It then triggers ANGER to prepare our body to fight to get rid that offending thing out OR to run away from it. With all that extra energy gathered, we have to expel it.  The most efficient way is to let it out, through cursing, yelling, etc. So we “explode”. 

ANGER, therefore, is a form of self-preservation.  ANGER is there to protect us from harm.

Conclusion

So far we have looked at what anger is and why we react to anger the way we do. But ANGER is not the root emotion. It is actually a result of another emotion.

In the next part of this series, we will look at what anger actually masks and why we choose it over whatever triggered it.

In the meantime, should you burst into a temper tantrum against your child or whoever the poor soul might be, know that it is because your body had geared up for fight or run.  Then after you calm down, think about whether you really had to fight or run.

Till Part 2 of Dealing with Anger, 

Happy Parenting!

Update: You can read the next 2 parts of the series here:
Part 2: Why We Choose Anger
Part 3: How to Overcome Anger

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The Thing About Yelling…

Yelling. A very common parenting tool.

“LET’S GO!”

“PUT YOUR PHONE AWAY!”

“GO TO BED!”

“GO SHOWER!”

And the list goes on.

Unfortunately, yelling is not an effective parenting tool. Because if it were effective, we wouldn’t find ourselves yelling about the same thing over and over again.

Why is it not effective? Because it puts us on “fight” mode. Our children then see us as a threat which leads to them flipping on THEIR “fight” switch (they start rebelling more) or they flip on their “flight” mode (they start feeling depressed)

It is sooooo tempting to yell. I know. Cos I used to be a yeller. BIG TIME yeller.

Look, I didn’t yell for no reason. I knew constant yelling was useless because it only made the kids tune out, which meant I would have to get louder and louder to get their attention. No. I had reserved my yelling for when I needed their immediate corrective action.

I became a yeller when I first became a parent. And I yelled even more when I had my second child, C. I yelled because the kids weren’t listening when I talked to them nicely. They weren’t doing what they were told. I got tired of saying the same thing over and over again. I got mad. I felt my role as a parent being threatened. So I yelled, to get their attention, to show them I’m the boss, to tell them that’s it, no more warnings. And when I yelled, I typically startled myself. Yes, I was LOUD!

And one day, I saw something that stopped me in my tracks. I saw something that should never be expressed in the eyes of young children. I saw immense fear in C’s eyes. She was just a tiny preschooler then. It was as if she had seen a monster. And I realised I was that monster.

Then I remembered. Yes, remembered because it is something I have always known but tend to forget when I am upset. I remembered my little ones were just children. They were still learning. Their brains were not mature enough to control their impulses. It was natural that they slipped up repeatedly.

I knew If I yelled every time they slipped up, they would start tuning me up. They might even start ganging up against me. So I ONLY yelled occasionally. But if I yelled when I felt it was the last straw, I became the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, unpredictable in my children’s eyes. I became my daughter’s biggest monster.

That was when I consciously veered away from yelling and researching for other more effective tools.

That was almost a decade ago. Did I still yell after that? Yes. With diminishing frequency, but yes, I still yelled. It took great discipline and self control on my part to not yell but teach and guide calmly.

In the last 5 years or so, I am glad I did not “explode” more than a couple of times. My breakthrough came earlier this year when I managed to control myself from yelling when I discovered my daughter (yes, the same one mentioned above) disregarded my rule for online safety and as a result became a victim of online grooming. 

My daughter, my C, taught me to stop yelling. She was, and still is, my teacher. In fact, all my children are my greatest teachers. Because of them, I have become a much better human being.

For that, I am grateful.

What about you? Have you learned something because of your children? Pls share in the comments below.

Happy Parenting!

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LAUNCHED! Decoding Your Child Book

The months of writing and editing Decoding Your Child finally came to fruition with a successful book launch on Apr 8, 2018.

So many friends came to support the launch. We even had a young couple who saw the event advertisement online and turned up. They are not even parents yet! How wonderful it is for young couples to learn ahead what parenting entails. I am sure this young couple will be well equipped with parenting skills and know-how when they become parents.

The idea of being prepared for parenting is so critical to the success of our children. When we are prepared, our parenting journey becomes smoother.  Not only that, when our parenting journey is smooth, everything tends to flow more easily. Why? Because when we encounter problems with our children, our lives suffer, our relationship with our spouse suffers, our relationships with our parents and our parents-in-law also suffer. Parenting challenges affect our productivity and effectiveness at work too.

There is a Confucian saying, “Tidy up the family. Rule the country. Conquer the world.” In other words, to do great work, our family unit needs to be first taken care of. When our foundation is stable and strong, we can build “empires”. Hence, parenting is critical to our success.

Why Decode Our Children?

To parent successfully, and for everything in our lives to flow more smoothly, we need to decode our children. Why?

With decoding, there is understanding.
With understanding, there is empathy.
With empathy, there is acceptance.
With acceptance, there is patience.
With patience, there is tenderness.
With tenderness, there is connection.

And when there is connection…
…MAGIC happens.

When there is connection, there is cooperation.
When there is cooperation, there are less disciplinary issues.
When there are less disciplinary issues, parenting becomes a breeze.
When parenting becomes a breeze, life becomes easier
When life becomes easier, everyone is happier.

That’s when everyone is transformed.

And it all starts with DECODING YOUR CHILD.

Deepest Gratitude

I have so many people to thank for this successful launch.

Firstly, I must thank my family, without whom I will not even have a book to write. Juay has been my foundation, offering unwavering support and encouragement, doing everything needed to get the books printed and the venue all set up. My three children have done superbly as well. My teens helped man the various stations during the launch, registering guests and entertaining the children who were present at the launch. And my little one occupied herself and never once interrupted my talk and Q&A session. Thank you, darlings, for being the wind beneath my wings.

Next, I want to thank my sister Wendy Kwek. She is my mentor and sounding board for practically everything. She too worked hard behind the scene to help ensure the books turned out nicely and that the launch was a success. Thank you, jie, for always thinking about how to support my work and for covering my blindspots.

I also want to say big “Thank You” to my extended family who turned up for the book launch. Thank you, Michael and Susan Lau for the beautiful flowers. Thank you, Maureen Tan for your yummilicious cake. Thank you Angela Lau, Andrea Lau, Nicole Tan and Noah Tan for your purchases! It’s so heartwarming to be enveloped in your love and support during this milestone of my life. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!

My deepest appreciation to many friends who chipped in to help: Patrick Koh for helping to find lost sheep and ushering them to the venue, Willie Yeo for helping with photography, Uantchern for the use of his cosy venue, and many many more who helped out but I was too distracted sharing with the guests and signing books to thank you individually. Thank you all for being such wonderful angels! 😛

The launch would definitely have not succeeded if not for ALL THE GUESTS who took the time on a Sunday afternoon to be there. So thank you, thank you, thank you, to each and everyone of you who were there! I was not expecting a full house turnout on a precious Sunday afternoon, but you guys came!! Thank you!!

Last but not least, my biggest THANK YOU goes to my mom, Doris Lau. How I wish she could be here to witness the book launch. She was the first person to ever ask me write a book years ago when I was sending her monthly journals of my parenting journey because we were living overseas. Mommy, I know you can see me from the heavens and I can feel your love. I love you and I miss you so much! Thank you for always believing in me.

GET YOUR COPY NOW!

Those of you who missed the Book Launch, fret not. The book is available for sale online. For a limited time, you can get yours at a special Book Launch SALE price.

Use the coupon code: BookLaunch2018. The coupon code expires on 16 Apr 2018 (UTC: +8:00)

Seize the opportunity!  Get your copy here: https://decodingyourchild.com/product/decoding-your-child/

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Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp

In my previous post, I shared the 12 signs of online grooming to help parents teach their children what to look out for in their online interactions in case they are targeted by groomers.

KNOWING about the problem or being able to IDENTIFY the problem is decidedly different from DEALING with it.

How do I tell my daughter her new BFF is a villain? How do I do it in such a way she will not see me as the enemy, considering how much her BFF has poisoned her against me? How do I SOLVE the problem, instead of just removing the manifestations of the problem?

I followed my heart and chose the path of love and empathy.

And it worked.

So what did I do?

1) Keep Cool

When I found my daughter behaving strangely and showing reluctance in surrendering her phone for me to check, I knew in my gut something was wrong. It took great restraint for me to ask for her phone calmly and empathetically. Not as a demand, nor as an accusation, just as-a-matter-of-factly. It was not the first time I had checked the kids’ devices and it would not be the last. To my girl’s credit, she surrendered her phone cooperatively. Definitely with reluctance and apprehension, but she handed it to me nonetheless.

Why not just accuse her?
It would have been so easy to throw accusations like, “What’s wrong? You MUST be hiding something.”

However, such accusations are really counterproductive. I mean, the fact I had felt the need to check carried the assumption that I thought something was up. I did not see the need to rub it in because that would only serve to fracture our relationship.

I knew that if something was really up, a fractured relationship was the last thing I needed. It was clear she would be less inclined to listen to my guidance if her heart were disconnected from mine.

Hence, I worked hard to keep my tone non-accusatory.

How did I keep cool?
Keeping the focus of wanting to help her listen to me and cooperate with me helped me maintain my cool.

Every time an accusation was at the tip of my tongue, I had to bite it back. Yes, I do struggle with being nice and non-accusatory. But I was very conscious that I needed to keep our communication link open. And to do that, it was critical I removed anything that would close her heart to me.

2) Be Compassionate

When a cursory look through the messages confirmed my fears, I asked my daughter how she got to know X. She explained that she knew X from the live chats on Minecraft and apologised for breaking my “no live chat” rule. Upon further gentle probing, “gentle” being the operative word here, I found that she did not know X was an adult until they had moved to the private chat. “She’s a really nice lady, mom,” my girl had said.

I wanted to yell, “She’s a groomer for crying out loud!! She’s ‘nice’ so she can hook you!!!”

Fortunately, I held steadfast to my resolve to respond with love and empathy.

“Are you going to ban me from Minecraft, mom?” my girl asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I replied, and she looked crushed.

Not really knowing how to respond, I just hugged my precious princess tightly and told her, “I am not angry with you. I need to read through all the messages and we’ll decide how to proceed from here.”

My daughter nodded her head and I left to continue looking through the messages. When she saw me struggling to trace back to earlier messages, she helped me use the search function to leapfrog all the way to the beginning of their chat history. It was a great sign because it meant she was being cooperative, that she was open to me digging deeper. There was hope!

Why did I not blame her?
I knew she should know better. But I also knew she was a teenager and that most times, she would NOT know better. Yes, she messed up, but she’s just a teen with a partially developed logical brain. I know how human brains develop and how that affects what our teens can or cannot do. So I can’t blame her for what her brain has not developed to do.

If there were blame to be assigned, it would be to the adults in the picture. X definitely bears some responsibility. If X had an ulterior motive like I suspected, then all the more she was responsible. Even if she did not have ulterior motive, then as a responsible adult, she should not have asked my girl to private chat with her. That’s rule number one in child safety: Do not engage in one-to-one conversation in private with a child we do not know. So yes, X could be blamed.

It would have been easy to just stop there and blame only X. But if I dig deeper, I know I bear the bulk of the blame. I have not kept a close enough eye on my daughter’s online interactions. I have not been very involved in her day-to-day life. I have allowed my girl feel neglected enough to turn to someone else for love and empathy. I have not given her enough attention.

I am responsible for what had happened. Period.

How did I remain compassionate and not blame her?
Being aware that my daughter was not the cause of the problem helped me not lay the blame on her.

I understood that her going online for love and support was but a manifestation of a problem. The actual cause of the problem was that she wasn’t feeling enough love or getting enough support from me. Banning her from Minecraft, or her phone, or her internet accesss, would only deal with the “symptom”. But it would not take care of the root cause. I knew that if the root cause were not addressed, the manifestation of the problem where she went searching for love and empathy elsewhere would resurface.

Hence, I felt I compelled to be compassionate. How could I blame a victim?  Blaming her, while convenient, would distract me from the root cause.

3) Make An Effort To Praise

It took me 14 hours to plough through all the messages and take screen shots of conversations where X was “working her magic”. That meant that for 14 hours, my daughter would not know the verdict of my investigation.

However, I was mindful of what she was doing during that period of time. When she played with her little sister, I praised her for the interaction. Having seen how X attacked my little one in the chats and made her to be a rotten spoilt brat, I was so grateful my girl was willing to interact with her sister. I could see she was a lot more patient and loving in the interaction as well. Hence I spotlighted that for my girl so she knew I noticed what she was doing despite having my head immersed in the investigation.

So yes, I praised her for the little things she did.

Praise? Why not just let her worry about the consequences?
I was not interested in playing mind games. She had been played enough by X. I did not want to keep my girl on the edge of her seat, waiting for the guillotine to fall. Of course I was not going to chop off her head, but I knew that was what it must have felt like for her.

If I had just ignored her and let her tremble with uncertainty, what good would that serve? It would be neither loving nor empathetic. Some may think letting her cower will ensure she will remember the lesson better. Maybe. But that is not how I would like her to remember the lesson. I do not want her to remember to “behave” out of fear because, one day, I may not be around to instill that “fear”, then what? Or when she’s all grown up and doesn’t fear me any more, then what? Who or what will keep her in line? No, fear-based discipline does not last.

Instead, what I wanted to achieve from teaching this lesson was for her to understand that her mistake did not define her, nor would it stop me from loving her. I wanted her to know that everyone makes mistakes. More importantly, I wanted her to know that the best thing about making mistakes is that we get to learn from them so we will NEVER (as far as possible) make the same mistakes again. That was why I took the effort to praise her and spotlight what she was doing well, even as I was going through the “crime scene”.  I wanted her to know I still love her.

How did I still manage to look for something positive?
Knowing that there is something beautiful and positive in my daughter despite her mistake helped me look for that something positive.

After all, she is not THE mistake. More importantly, not EVERYTHING she does is a mistake. She just happened to have made a mistake, that is all.

I am aware that the more we look for positive behaviour in our children and reinforce those with affirmation and praises, the more our children will live up to our expectations. But if we keep nitpicking on their mistakes and misbehaviour, they would lose heart and stop wanting to become better because we never noticed their improvements anyway. I much prefer to ride the upward spiral rather than the downward one.

And now, as I look back at the past few days since the discovery, I have been swarmed with messages of love and encouragement from friends, and even strangers. I am conscious that everyone knows I have messed up as a parent, that I have made the mistake of neglecting my daughter, but no one has dragged me over the coals for it. For that I am grateful and motivated to be an even better parent.

Positive emotions like love, encouragement and empathy inspire corrective action more effectively than fear-based emotions. That is what motivated me to look for something positive to say to my girl.

4) Explain Patiently

Once I finished ploughing through the 6 weeks worth of constant messaging, I had a clear idea of what went on and what was communicated (in writing). I had also taken a zillion screenshots of the signs I had flagged on online grooming. Now I had the information to go talk to my daughter. But I was not emotionally ready to do so.

I took a moment to calm myself because, honestly, I was beyond flustered. I really had to suppress the urge to scream, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!” (Yes, unfortunately, I still do have urges like that.) But that would not help the situation.

How was I supposed to share what I have learned with my daughter? How should I do it in such a way she would really GET it, and more importantly, REMEMBER it?

Again, I meditated on love and empathy, and took a deep, deep breath.

Finally, I felt ready.

And that began our 3-hour debrief of the messages (and we only managed to cover ¾ of them). As we went through screenshot after screenshot, we read what X said, and I decoded it for my daughter in “groom-speak”. After a while, I did not even need to decode what X had said. My daughter would just exclaim over and over again, “OMG, I see what she’s doing here!”

My girl could not believe she had not seen the signs. All she saw previously was the kindness, love and support that X had given her. But with a fresh perspective, she now saw the subtle hints and the seeds that were planted, as well as the nurturing of those seeds till they became full grown resentment for the family. She also saw the increasing intensity and frequency of introducing X’s husband into the picture.

I did not have to hammer her head (and heart) with yelling and screaming. I simply gave her some guiding light and she saw the path herself. She saw where X was leading her.

How did I remain patient when the consequences could have been so severe?
Understanding that learning is done best when the student makes the discovery herself helped me to not rush her.

A student always learns better from a teacher who patiently guides the former to understand the lesson rather than from a teacher who rushes the lesson.

I could have sped up the debrief by just laying out what I knew or just laying out the 12 signs of online grooming that I found in the messages. But that’s stuffing information down my girl’s throat. She will forget about it as soon as the incident is over. She will not have gained any wisdom.

By slowly going through our lesson and helping her identify the signs herself, I am confident she will be able to identify the signs if she ever saw them again, even as an adult.

5) Apologise Sincerely

Wait, what? Apologise?

Yes, apologise.

I cannot pretend that EVERYTHING X had said about me was false. X had not lied. If she had, my daughter would have never believed her. If something were 100% false, it is easy to say, “No, that’s not true.” The problem was X had told half-truths. She had mixed lies with obvious truths. Half-truths are the most lethal because they transfer credibility to the lies. The truths make the lies believable. They make it easier to accept everything as true.

So what were the truths that X had said? She had simply repeated things that my daughter had told her, ie things my daughter knew to be true. For example, I was not there all the time when my daughter was doing her schoolwork, or I had restricted my daughter’s time on Minecraft, or I had brought the family out in the evenings or weekends, or I had praised my son, or I had spent time with my youngest daughter, etc etc.

However, X had lied viciously about the intentions behind those actions of mine. She had insisted that I had done those because I “obviously did not care” about my girl’s education, or that I had restricted my girl’s time on Minecraft or brought them out to deprive her of time on Minecraft because I “obviously didn’t care” what she liked to do in her free time, or that I was biased towards my son and youngest and did not care for my girl, etc. She really pounded on how I “OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T CARE” about my girl. Those were lies, lies that were easy to accept as truths because my daughter had FELT that I did not care.

So even though my daughter was misled by half-truths, there were truths in there that I had to take responsibility for. I was not present enough in my girl’s day-to-day life and her online interactions. While I did spend time sitting down to teach her, I had left her on her own to do the assignments. Maybe she needed me to be around (instead of being out for meetings etc) so she could ask me when she was stuck with her work.

The reason why my daughter had believed X was because I had created the “truths” for X to hang her lies on. I was the root cause. If I had not created those “truths”, X would have had nothing to work her magic on.

So I did what I needed to do. I apologised to my daughter. Sincerely. Repeatedly.

How did I even bring myself to apologise when it was X’s fault?
Realising that I was the root cause was all that was needed. Really.

I was not apologising for what X did. I apologised for giving X the opening to do what she did.

I have realised that apologies, when done sincerely, can heal relationships. My relationship with my daughter obviously had a crack which was why X was able to infiltrate in. My apology helped my daughter understand I knew I needed to bear responsibility of what had happened, that I knew my mistake, that I was willing to learn from my mistake. Those were powerful admissions that could mend emotional hurts. I could not afford to let my ego get in the way of having a strong relationship with my daughter, especially when I already knew I was at fault.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I had not invested sufficiently to keep my daughter’s connection with me strong. I may have thought it was sufficient, but it was obviously not sufficient enough for her to feel connected with me. Hence, I need to buck up and do what is necessary. This is not about me but about meeting her needs. I cannot possibly tell her, “Too bad. That’s all I have to offer.” I need to work harder to ensure she feels my love and not feel neglected.

With this, I need to relook at how I can remain connected with each of my three children (and my husband). More importantly, I need to check in with them regularly to be sure THEY feel connected with me.

What Happened to the Earlier “Connection” Established?

If my girl and I have had such a strong connection previously, how could this have happened? Was that connection completely gone? Or was that connection non-existent in the first place?

I am confident our connection is still there. It’s just that a section of the “bridge” fell off. That was why my daughter broke the rules and that was why an intruder was able to drive a wedge between us.

I know our earlier connection is still there because if it weren’t, my daughter would not have surrendered her phone without a big fight, nor would she have helped me with my investigation when I was fumbling with the app. More critically, she would not have been open to my decoding but would have insisted I was wrong and X was right.

If we have not had a strong connection before this, she could have stolen our credit cards and taken the first flight out to meet X.

I thank God that all the effort I have put in to establish a strong relationship with her has paid off. Things could have been so much worse.

 

Conclusion

Going back to the FB post I had quoted in Part 1 regarding my learning point from Safer Internet Day 2018,

“Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.”

Again, the power of having a strong relationship proves itself.

What had happened was a result of my lack of investment in the relationship between my daughter and me. My initial “investment principal” was still there. It’s just that I had momentarily stopped making “deposits”, resulting in a dip in the “return of investment”.

The lesson I took from this episode is this. We cannot take for granted that our initial investment in our relationship will last forever. We need to continually invest in it. And that applies to ALL relationships.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~