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Internet Safety For Kids (Part 1) ~ Identifying Online Groomers

On Feb 6, 2018, I was invited to attend Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google and I had written a short post about it on my Decoding Your Child Facebook Page:

Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google.

Heard from a strong panel about what parents can do to ensure internet safety for their children. What can we do about our children’s incessant gaming or addiction to their devices? What do we do if our children experience cyberbullying?

Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.

A great quote:
“Rules with relationship lead to response.
Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

 That is so true. If our relationship and connection with our children is broken, they will rebel against any rules we establish.

However, if our relationship with them is strong, if our connection with them is strong, it means there is trust, love and respect between our children and us. Then they will be more willing to respect the boundaries we set and be more open to the mediation strategies listed in the photo below.

So let us all strive to decode our children. Let us understand them so we can support their love and passion. When our children know we are on their side, they will naturally be drawn to us for guidance.

And I had signed off with my signatory, “Happy parenting!”

Pride Before Fall

There I was feeling rather positive that I had protected my children from cyberbullying. I was rather pleased with myself for turning my son’s “addiction” to gaming into a passion for programming and for limiting my daughter’s time on MineCraft. I was so confident my teens were safe on the internet. After all, they were not allowed to play online games with people whom they did not know, or in the case of MineCraft, they were not allowed to play with chats on. As far as I knew, my son was still coding in Khan academy and my teenage daughter played MineCraft hosted on my son’s server. There had definitely been no indication of cyberbullying going on. Yes, they were internet-safe. I was certain they would obey my internet rules since I had explained extensively to them the dangers of the internet.  Besides, my emotional connection with my children is strong. They would tell me if something were amiss.

Unfortunately, I could not have been more mistaken.

Rude Awakening

After I posted my FB post and got home, I went to check in with the children. My son, as usual, was coding. My teen daughter was busy tapping away on her phone. As soon as she saw me, she put her phone down. Something felt off. So out of curiosity, I asked her for her phone.

“Why?” she asked. I told her I had just attended an internet safety talk and I wanted to be sure about her and her brother’s safety online. Since she was no longer on the phone, I would like to see what she had been doing on it.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” was her reply. She had never expressed resistance to my requests for “spot checks” on any of her devices or her computer before. Her demeanour now was making me extremely worried.

“I’m sorry I must. To be safe. Please.” I said. Reluctantly, she handed me her phone. “I’d rather you didn’t, mom,” she repeated.

“I must. I’m sorry,” I replied as I took her phone with an empathetic look.

As I was going through the list of persons she had been WhatsApping with, a new message notification popped up. It was from an app I had never seen appeared. The icon that flashed looked like a blue game console. I caught sight of the word, “Discord”. The message disappeared before I read it.

Curious, I went hunting for it. I asked my teens what Discord was and my son told me it was an app for online chat. Online chat? What was that about? I scrolled through my daughter’s phone to find the app and found it hidden on the second page of a cluster of apps named, “Unused”. It was intentionally stored in a place where I would least likely check.

I opened the app to read the chats. It had started about 6 weeks ago, and it took me about 14 hours to get through every single message. Needless to say, I was horrified by what I discovered.

Was My Daughter Being “Groomed”?

I had read about internet dangers like online grooming. That was why I had forbidden my children from playing any online games with people whom they did not know in real life. And I had explained to them why as well as the presence of dangers like grooming. Never in a million years did I expect that any of my children could be subjected to it.

The first message had started 6 weeks ago. As I read the series of messages, I kept seeing comments that raised red flags. Was my daughter being groomed?

What is Grooming?

According to National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in United Kingdom, “grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking.” I confess I do not know the intention of this person who has been contacting my daughter, but I do recognize the signs of grooming. Below were the signs I flagged.

Signs of Grooming

1) Moving from public chat room to private chat
This is the first sign of grooming. Groomers want to “work their magic” in private. Once they manage to get the child into a private chat platform, they can say whatever they want and manipulate the child without anyone the wiser.

That was how it happened for my daughter. She “met” this person, let’s call her X, on an online chat while playing MineCraft. Yes, she should have known better than to turn on the online chat. Unfortunately, in her naiveté, she did not know better. X seemed nice enough. X was helpful on the chat forum. By moving to the private chat, they could talk to each other without clogging up the public chat forum. What harm could there be?

2) Planting insidious seeds of negativity against the parents
Groomers typically plant seeds of negativity against the parents or trusted adults of the child. They sow seeds of discord and distrust to alienate the child and gain the trust of the child. As the grooming progresses, their attacks against the child’s trusted adults get more frequent and vicious.

I was surprised that within the first day of private chatting, X had planted a seed of negativity against my husband and me. It was a very subtle, almost inconspicuous side comment. My daughter had complained about the behaviour issues my preschooler had and X commented, “that’s the kind of things they learn from school or bad parents (emphasis is mine).” It was only Day 1 and X had already launched the first volley of attack.

After a few days, X referred to us as “the monsters” and called me “mean”. Within a month, I was “manipulative” for restricting my daughter’s access to MineCraft. X even wrote an entire essay on why I was “cruel, selfish and irresponsible and uncaring.” The barrage of accusations had left me breathless and incredulous. How could someone who did not even know me write about me with so much venom and hatred?

It did not end there. X even told my daughter that by law, when my girl turned 16, X could adopt her regardless of whether my husband or I agreed to it or not. And X would do that for her because X would not be the horrible parents that we were.

3) Fishing for information about the child
Now that there is a potential victim who is separated from the crowd, into a private chat platform, groomers need to know more about the potential victim. Instead of asking for information directly which would raise alarms in the victim, groomers will gently fish for information like age, name, location, school, etc.

X was smooth and praised the public chat forum of the MineCraft server they were on (no, they were not on my son’s server) for keeping users anonymous in order to protect the identity of all the users. X started talking about their avatars and how that could also help maintain anonymity. My daughter, being the trusting girl that she is, happily described herself. By the end of week 2, X knew everything about our family, including how we looked like. (yes my daughter sent X photos of the family.) The only saving grace here was my daughter refused to divulge our address despite repeated enticement from X that she would receive gifts in the mail if she would tell X her address.

4) Pushing for voice calls, then video calls
How would groomers authenticate the identity of their potential victims. How would the groomers know if the victim is indeed a child and not another groomer? How would they know if this child looks appealing? The best way is to do a video call so they can see for themselves. But to request for a video call right away would seem hasty and raise suspicions. So they will start by first suggesting voice calls, and when familiarity is increased, video calls. No only will the video show how the child looks like, it will also show the environment and setting of where the computer is and how much privacy the child has when online. In addition, once the child is comfortable doing video chats, the groomers could potentially get the child to do all kinds of stuff in front of the camera.

X was smart. The first few voice calls were “wonky”. My daughter could not hear X. When X’s voice sounded “robotic”, X’s reason was Discord (the app) was unstable. Finally, after several weeks, the voice issue was sorted out. My daughter could hear X (I suspect by then X had a voice changer installed properly). And a couple weeks later, X asked for video chats. In the video, X appeared to be who she said she was, an elderly lady who had difficulty walking. To me, she looked like an oversized man with a wig (X had sent my girl photos of herself).

5) Sowing ideas of meeting
In the case of online grooming, where the groomers do not know the physical location of the potential victim, they will casually plant an idea of a meet up. Over the duration of the grooming, they will suggest it more and more frequently until a request or suggestion for a meetup seems almost natural.

As the weeks passed, X would keep planting notions that it would be so awesome if they could meet. Or if my daughter were old enough and had enough money, she could fly to X.

6) Being the first to warn about groomers
The first one to raise a suspicion tends to appear less suspicious. Groomers are psychological experts. They know that to allay the fears of their victim, they need to be the first to raise the dangers of internet groomers. If they raise it first, their victim will naturally think they cannot be groomers. After all, who would want to be the whistle blower of their own crime?

And that was exactly what X did. Very early in their chats, X wrote, “I sound like some creep trying to gain your friendship and confidence to meet up and kidnap you.” If X could outright talk about online “kidnappers”, surely she (assuming she’s a she) can’t be one, right?

7) Suggesting to move to other “play” platforms
Groomers typically do not work alone. They have a network for which they help one another “snare” victims. If they know the physical location of their victim, they could redirect the victim to another platform where groomers from the victim’s location hang out. The “introducer” can get a fee for it.

Within a week of chatting, X suggested for my daughter to play on another server. When that failed despite repeated prompting, X introduced her to another group game where gamers exchange resources to get what they need. That would require my girl to interact with even more strangers, strangers X knew and could potentially, by transference of trust, get my girl to trust them. Luckily, my daughter was not interested.

8) Paving the way for appearance of a man
If the groomers had presented themselves as females to their potential victims, there is a high likelihood they would want to introduce a man into the picture. In fact, they would want their victim to believe this man to be someone whom the groomers trust and love. That would help with the transference of trust and reduce the suspicion or hesitancy of their victim accepting this new male figure.

Within 2 days of chatting, X casually mentioned something about sending a man of my girl’s dream into her path. The whole sowing was so well planned. First, X talked about how awesome her husband was. Then when my daughter commented how nice it was that X had a great husband, X casually tossed in the “fantasy” of sending a nice man to my girl. Over the course of the 6 weeks, X would hint that it would be great if X’s husband met up with my daughter. X even mentioned her husband was ok with her spending the night with a male friend. I presumed X was paving the way to tell my daughter it would be ok to spend the night with her husband should he appear.

In fact, on several occasions, the person who appeared on the chats identified himself as X’s husband. It was disturbing because there was really no way to tell who was in the chat until that person said he was the husband.

9) Establishing trust with the child
How do groomers establish trust so quickly with their victim? Simple. They are quick to identify similarities in interests, experience, possessions, even illness, to say, “Look, we are so alike. No wonder we click. We are best buddies.” That helps to draw their victim closer to them.

Time and again, X was very quick to point out how identical she was with my daughter. From objects like books, to interests in art, to physical ailments, to experiences with betrayal by friends, to everything under the sun., whatever my daughter mentioned, X exclaim how alike they were. Call me a skeptic, but the occurrence of similarities between the two of them was way too high to be coincidental.

10) Building deep connections with the child
Groomers can be really caring and nurturing, or appear to be so. They will dig for things that trouble their victim and offer comfort to them. They will praise and flatter their victims and lament why no one (ie the other adults in the child’s life) else saw the strengths of the child. They make themselves appear to be the one and only person who cares about and love the child, who will protect the child. They make everyone else the villain. Because of their showering of love and concern of their victim, the latter gets emotionally drawn towards their groomers.

I guess I didn’t have to elaborate on this with X. She was really good at showering attention on my girl. Apparently, X was on a different time zone and she made it very clear that she would stay up to chat with my daughter anytime she needed X. X would comfort my girl when she was sad, and berate others (ie me) for making life miserable for my daughter. She was very effective at showing she was on my girl’s side and she would fight all monsters for her. How could one not feel loved by and connected to someone like that?

11) Identifying the level of isolation of the child
Groomers know if their victim has a strong relationship with other adults in her life, there is a likelihood the victim will, at some point, turn to these other adults for help when she is unsure of how to respond to the groomers requests. Hence, they will attempt to figure out how isolated their victim is. If the victim is not isolated enough, they will resort to attack those close to the victim till she feels totally lonely and has no one else left except the groomers themselves.

And that was what X did. When she first started badmouthing me and blaming me for not allowing my girl to go on MineCraft, my daughter had defended me and explained why that had happened. However, as the days passed, X would add a comment here and there and illustrate how unreasonable I was. As a teen, it was understandable, at least to me, why it was appealing for my daughter to see me in that light. So by and by, my daughter turned against me. Through it all, X kept asking if there was anyone at all that my daughter could go to. And repeated, my daughter said she only had X.

12) Threatening to spill the beans
Grooming is a psychological game. After establishing that the victim is completely isolated and dependent on the groomers, they would then threaten, either seriously or jokingly, to tell the secret to their victim’s parents. Out of fear, their victim will toe the line and play by their rules.

Yes, X did that, multiple times. Sometimes the threats came across as jokes. Sometimes they sounded like threats. X even planting the fear that she had a private investigator searching for my girl and that this private investigator could tell me everything. Knowing my daughter, she would never want me to know of this secret because she knew she was not supposed to be playing MineCraft with chat on. She was afraid that if I found out, I would ban her from playing MineCraft or that I would confiscate all her devices so she would not be able to interact with X. Naturally, she grew more compliant as the chat went on.

Conclusion

So there you have it, the 12 signs I identified from the chats that looked like X was grooming my daughter. What would you do if you were in my position?

I will share what I did with my discovery in my next blog post Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2)) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Lessons From Missing An Exam

So…. my 15-year-old son forgot he had a mid-term exam at the university this morning. Yep. FORGOT he had an EXAM to sit for.

I only realised it 30 minutes after the exam had started. Thankfully, I was aware that freaking out would serve no purpose. Instead, we hustled to the car and I drove him to the exam hall.

Before you think I am condoning his mistake, or that my rushing to his “rescue” will do him more harm than good, please hear me out. What has been done cannot be undone. Getting mad would do no good. Instead, I see it as an excellent opportunity to help him learn important lessons from missing the exam.

What could the lessons be?  How would he learn them?  Instead of lecturing him, I chose to ask him questions to help him reflect and derive the lessons himself.  So what did he learn?

1) Apologies Are Important
Before we got into the car, I had warned him that heading to the exam hall now did not mean he would get to sit for the exam. In fact, it would not be reasonable to expect his lecturer to stay on for him. So R was prepared that he would score a big fat ZERO for the paper because he had missed it.

Why then did we rush down?  Through Q&A and some guidance, R learned that we made the effort of going to the university so he could apologise to his lecturer in person. His lecturer had been very kind to accept him as a student. But he had stood his lecturer up by forgetting to go for the exam. He had made a mistake and therefore, he needed to sincerely apologise for it.  And he could not be more sincere than giving the apology in person as soon as possible.

2) Reflection On What Went Wrong Is Important
More importantly, he learned that he needed to know how this mistake happened. Yes, he made a big mistake. However, it would be a bigger mistake if he did not learn what went wrong and ended up making the same mistake again. Again through Q&A, he reflected on where the failure occurred and what his hidden assumptions were (e.g.: mom will remind him or he will somehow just remember).

3) Making Corrective Actions Is CRITICAL
But learning what went wrong without taking corrective actions to prevent the same mistake from occurring is pointless.  Hence, he needed to identify what systems and checks he needed to have so he will always be able to remember his appointments, especially those that are not in his regular routine.

4) Mistakes Are Learning Opportunities
Another important lesson he learned is every failure and mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow. The failures and mistakes do not define him. They are stepping stones to helping him discover his blind spots and areas of weakness so he can become better. It is important he does not beat himself up but recognise he has work to do to improve. He learned he could transmute failure into success as long as he learned from them.

5) We Are There To Support His Learning
I guess the most important lesson he learned was that his dad and I will always be there to support his learning. We will not throw stones at him when he falters. Neither will we solve his problems for him. Instead, we will always be there to help him stand up, learn and become better so he can fight his own battles.

Conclusion
I am very disappointed he had missed his exam.  However, I am very heartened and grateful that his lecturer has allowed him to work on the exam paper. Not only that, Prof had agreed to mark his paper. Regardless of whether the grades will be recognised, I am thankful R will have the chance to see how much he has learned or identify the gaps that he still has in the course. Whatever the outcome of this course is, this incident has not been in vain. R has learned some precious lessons, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Undoing the Work of a “Teacher”

I spent some time reconnecting with my little preschooler who hasn’t seen me last 4 days because of my intense training program. What she said broke my heart.

A said, “Teacher Vanee has left. She went to another school. K1 (Kindergarten 1st year) is too boring, and the naughty boy doesn’t listen.”

I was taken aback by her comment so I asked her what made her think that’s why the teacher had left.

“That’s what Teacher Vanee said to us. She said she is leaving because K1 is too boring and the naughty boy doesn’t listen,” she explained.

So many alarms screamed at me that, for a moment, I didn’t know how to react. After a deep breath and a pause, I decided to begin with the “naughty” boy.   I know exactly which boy A is referring to because she has spoken of him often. The boy who can’t sit still. The boy who is rough. The boy who hits. The boy who shouts at his classmates. Basically, the boy whom the teacher calls “naughty boy”.

The “Naughty” Boy
This little boy, Z, is brought to and from school every morning by his grandmother. It is obvious his grandmother loves him because I have seen her hug him occasionally when he cries while waiting in line for the classroom door to open. But more often, I hear her abusing him verbally, calling him names. I have seen her lift her hand to him and he flinched (a sign he has been frequently hit). I have even seen, from a distance, her hitting him. The one time I intervened was when we were walking to school and they were right in front of us. She had scolded him, “You are so naughty. Nobody likes you. Even your teacher doesn’t like you.” When the boy attempted to hug her, she shoved him away. “I also don’t like you,” she responded in disgust.

Here was a small little 5-year-old being verbally hurt by his caregiver, someone whom he loves. And when he sought some comfort from her, she had shoved him off with a hurtful comment laced with repulsion. That tore my heart and I asked her why she spoke to him that way. We had a little conversation and she justified her own behaviour.

It’s hard to teach someone who doesn’t want to learn. So I ended with “He is just a kid and he needs love.” Ever since, that grandmother has made sure she keeps a distance from me when sending her grandson to school.

I have, on many occasions, asked A to stop calling or referring to Z as “naughty boy”. But I understand it’s hard for her do so because that’s what she hears everyday in school. So after A’s comment about why her teacher was leaving, I asked A to stop calling Z “naughty”. I explained that he behaved the way he did because he had not been taught correctly how to behave. He may have been taught how to behave, but because he is not taught properly, he still hasn’t learned.

His Mistake Was Mirroring
I explained to A that the reason she doesn’t shout at or hit her friends at school is because she is taught that yelling and hitting other people is wrong. Not only is she taught that those behaviour is not acceptable, she also doesn’t see anyone at home yelling or hitting. What she experiences at home is the same as what she is taught. So she learns.

But for Z, it is different. Yes, he is definitely taught not to shout at or hit his friends. Umpteen times.  But he is being shouted at and hit, not only at home, but in public as well. So he is confused. He doesn’t understand why he can’t do what his grandmother (and perhaps other members in the household) does. And when he is confused, he just mirrors the behaviour he always sees, which is shouting at and hitting people.

The Boy Needs Love
I also told A that Z needs a lot of love. I told her if Z is nasty to her, she can protect herself by walking away and telling the teacher. But before she does that, she needs to tell Z, “My mom says you need love and I need to be kind to you. But it doesn’t mean you can shout at/hit me.” A nodded her head and she repeated the sentence several times. With each repetition, her eyes teared more.

I asked her if she felt sad for Z and she said yes. She also said Z was sad that Teacher Vanee was leaving.

I explained that he is sad because he loves Teacher Vanee. And he is sad because he believes it is he who drove Teacher Vanee away. I told A that my heart breaks for Z.

Why The Teacher Left
Next I told A that Teacher Vanee did not leave because school was boring or that Z was naughty. Teacher Vanee could have left because she found a school that gives her more money, or she found a school which is more enjoyable for her, or she found a school closer to her home.

“No GOOD teacher would leave simply because one child does not listen. A GOOD teacher will do everything in her power to help the child, to teach the child. And no GOOD teacher will leave because school is boring. A GOOD teacher will MAKE her class and lessons fun.” In fact, I told her I am glad Teacher Vanee has left because I have long felt she is not a suitable teacher for preschoolers. I am glad she found another job which suits her better and I hope she is not teaching preschoolers.

Impact on the Children
My heart remained heavy for the day. I feel sorry that Z will live under the guilt of chasing his teacher away. I feel sorry for her students who now will see their K1 life as boring (because their teacher had said so).

I am glad Teacher Vanee has left my daughter’s school, but I dread the impact she would have on her new students.

– Vivian Kwek –

 

 

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The Most Important Thing Parents Can Do For Their Children

As the wise saying goes, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ”

I would go one step further and say that the most important thing parents can do for their children is to love their children’s other parent. In other words, moms need to love their children’s dad too.

Today, I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband. As I reflect back on our years together as a couple, and subsequently as parents, I am extremely grateful for the bliss, joy and love this relationship has brought us. More importantly, I am grateful my children have witnessed and experienced a loving and respectful relationship between my husband and me.

There is no better way for our children to learn how to behave in a healthy loving relationship than have their parents role model it. Of course, in abusive relationships, we need to show our children how we stand up for ourselves, seek help for the abusive parent, and if necessary, leave the relationship. But for now, we are looking at normal, healthy spousal relationships.

What Is Love?

What do our children learn from observing how we behave with our spouse? Simple. They learn how love looks like. They learn it’s not all fluff or floating on cloud nine all the time. They learn that “living happily ever after” takes effort and is a conscious decision EVERY SINGLE DAY. In other words, they learn the realities of a loving relationship.

But what are those things that make a relationship work? What are the efforts we need to put in?

1) Trust
Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Without trust, nothing works.

Some say trust needs to be earned. Some say trust needs to be given. For me, trust is something we give based on previous experiences with the person. Most of the time, when we say “I do” at the altar (or wherever we say our marital vows at), we trust the person with whom we are marrying. And it is CRITICAL that the trust is not breached or abused.

When we trust our spouse, we do not question their actions, words or intentions.

What do our children learn?

They learn that trust, like integrity, is extremely important. They learn that trust, once lost, is hard to regain. They learn never to abuse the trust of someone they love. They learn what it means to be trustworthy. Most importantly, they learn they can trust us.

2) Open Communication
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, then open communication is the glue that gels it together.

Open communication with our spouse requires us to be vulnerable with each other, to share our fears, anxieties, hopes and aspirations. It also allows us to share our frustrations and anger without fear that our spouse will take those negatively or personally. That is why trust is critical in a relationship. With trust, open communication comes more easily.

It is with open and honest communication that we can understand our spouse better and vice versa. With understanding, we can appreciate why they do what they do, why they say what they say and vice versa. There will be fewer opportunities for misunderstanding because we know what is going on. But of course differences will still exist. That is why a strong communication link is the bridge that will help us mitigate differences. Trust and open communication allow us to talk calmly and listen attentively to each other ALL THE TIME.

As far as possible, my husband and I have open conversations in the presence of our children. They hear us air our joys and unhappiness. They hear us talk about the future and our concerns. They hear how we resolve scheduling conflicts or make compromises. They hear our thought processes on why things are the way they are and why we do the things we do.

What do our children learn?

They learn the importance of communication. They experience how it helps them manage their expectations. They see how we reason things out calmly and how we listen to each other without interrupting. More importantly, they learn they can trust us with their secrets and their fears and they no longer feel alone with their struggles.

3) Respect
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship and open communication is the glue that gels it together, then respect is the result we will get.

What does respect look like? No, we don’t have to address our spouse as Sir/M’am or Mr/Mrs so-and-so. But it does mean we use the word “please” a lot.

Respect is about being mindful of our spouse’s wishes, their likes and dislikes and how they feel. It’s about reaching important decisions together. It’s also about not making demands but making requests with “please”s.  More importantly, it is about being respectful even behind our spouse’s back. In other words, we do not badmouth our spouse EVER. We may disagree with what they do or say, but we never attack them without them being present to defend themselves.

Nothing destroys a relationship faster than being disrespectful to someone or undermining that person’s authority. This is because disrespect by one person essentially translates to “I don’t care about you or what your think” and/or “You don’t matter at all.” It makes the other person lose trust in the relationship. It’s no wonder a relationship will fail in that sort of toxic environment.

Does it mean we must always agree with our spouse no matter what? Obviously not! We must iron out differences and disagreements but we can do that respectfully.

There is an ongoing joke in our family. When my husband and I first started dating 26 years ago, I had read in magazines that a couple must have a big quarrel before they can get married otherwise, their marriage might not survive their first quarrel. I had told my then-boyfriend that we needed to find something to quarrel about.” And he had jokingly said, “You want to quarrel? Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” Recently, I brought this up again, and again his reply was, “Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” 😀

My husband and I have been in a relationship for 26 years now, and till today, knock on wood, we have yet to muster up a reason to quarrel. Do we have disagreements? Of course! But we have never found the need to scream at each other or tear down each other in the attempt to push our views across. We have been able to air our views respectfully mainly because we have been able to sit down and listen to each other calmly. There were times when we agreed to disagree, but to be honest, I can’t remember what those were. 😛

How are we able to achieve that? Simple. It all boils down to our mindsets. We believe the other person is just as intelligent as ourselves, if not more. We believe that both of us have the best interest of the family. We believe that we could be looking at things from a different perspective and that it is important to see things from the other person’s perspective. We believe that if we work together and put our heads together, we could come up with a better idea or solution than bulldozing our way through. We believe that acknowledging we were mistaken will not diminish our standing with each other or with ourselves.

Basically, we believe we have made the right choice when we said “I do” all those years ago.

What do our children learn?

They learn how to be respectful, not just to their parents, but to their siblings, to their friends, and everyone around them. They learn to mind their “P”s. They learn how to disagree respectfully. They learn it is not embarrassing to back down on their views when someone presents a stronger case. They learn that working together with a common goal is more empowering and effective than working to undermine someone else’s authority. They learn that issues can be resolved without raised voices, fights or violence. And that will help them resolve conflicts amicably when they grow up.

4) Appreciation
So for there to be a strong relationship, we need to have trust, open communication and respect. And when we have respect for someone, we will very naturally show our appreciation to that person.

A healthy relationship REQUIRES, yes, requires, a show of appreciation. Why? Because it means we have not taken that person for granted. It shows we respect the person and what he/she has done for us. A simple “thank you” means a lot to keeping the relationship strong. It shows we acknowledge our spouse’s effort for doing something for us, even if it is as simple as getting us a drink, or even calming an upset child.

Some may object and say, well, the child is our spouse’s too so why should we thank them for watching or calming the child. The answer is simple. Would it make us feel better if our spouse acknowledge and show appreciation to us when we care for our children? Would a “Thank you for waking up in the middle of the night to soothe baby”, or, “I know it’s been hard on you looking after our girl when she was sick” bring warmth to our hearts? “ If the answer is yes (even if we think it is not necessary), then it means the “thank you” adds to our emotional bank account with our spouse. Likewise, when we thank our spouse, it adds to their emotional bank account with us.

In our family, thank you’s are expected and usually automatically given. If someone forgets, my little preschooler will remind them to say their thank yous. We mind our “Q”s because we respect everyone and do not take anyone for granted.

What do our children learn?

They learn to show appreciation for everything. They learn not to take anything for granted. Most importantly, they learn not to take us, their parents, for granted. They learn to say thank you. They learn to appreciate everything and everyone. And that will help them build strong relationships in all areas when they grow up: with their friends, their co-workers, their spouse, their in-laws, their children, everyone.

5) Acceptance
We have looked at the importance of trust, open communication, respect and appreciation. The next ingredient to a strong healthy relationship is acceptance. Yes, it means not attempting to change the other person.  I mean, if we attempt to change someone, we are not being respectful of that person, are we?

It’s hard to live with someone who is always doing their utmost best to change us or our behaviour. There will always be tension if we want our spouse to do things the way we want them to or vice versa. When we said our “I do”, we were ok with the person we were marrying. After marriage, it is important for us to continue being ok living with the person as they are for the rest of our lives.

No one is perfect. We most definitely aren’t and so we cannot expect our spouse to be. We will end up creating a lot of undue tension for our spouse by attempting to change them, and we will be creating unnecessary disappointment for ourselves when our spouse refuses to change. Instead, let us just learn to accept. Breathe… Let. It. Go.

Jim Rohn once said that for things to change, first we must change. We have to change the way we look at things, the way we look at our spouse. Then and only then we can accept our spouse for who they are, flaws and all.

I know I am not perfect, and neither is my spouse. There are things about him that drive me up the wall and I am 100% sure he pulls his hair out at some aspects of me. However, I have learned to remind myself of all the things I love about him each time I get upset with him. And suddenly, I will no longer feel irked. Over the years, I get better and better at shrugging things off and loving him even more. Sure, there are still times I find myself up on the wall. But my recovery time has shortened. 😛

I am sure my dear husband has his own ways of dealing with all my flaws and imperfections for he has not moved to “improve” me. I know there are times he gets really frustrated with me, but he has been able to achieve equilibrium rather quickly too.

We have changed the way we looked at the flaws in each other and because of that, our relationship has thrived.

Speaking of change, we all know that change is the only constant. People change.  The spouse we have today is not the same person we married. Our spouse has changed, as have we. Our interests could have changed. Our habits could have changed. Our outlook in life could have changed. And with each change, the only way we can continue accepting each other is if we have open communication. Otherwise, one day we would wake up and realize to our horror that the person next to us in bed is a total stranger.

What do our children learn?

Our children learn that love is unconditional. They learn that we will accept them as they are and love them for who they are, not what we want them to be. They will feel safe. They learn they can be authentic in a relationship, that they do not have to wear a mask. More importantly, they learn to accept others as they are. They also learn that acceptance requires open communication based on trust and respect.

Conclusion

A strong relationship takes work. It takes investment in time and effort. It is based on the foundation of trust, from which open communication thrives. With that, respect grows which in turn gives rise to appreciation and acceptance.

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The best part of cultivating a strong relationship is with our spouse is that our children are watching, learning, and modeling after us. Not only will they feel safe growing up in a loving environment, they will learn how to nurture a loving relationship when they grow up.

Happy parenting!

– Vivian Kwek –

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Raising Cooperative Children

One of the most common complaints I hear from parents is that their children don’t do what they are told. While it is understandable why children prefer to do as they please, there are things we can do to raise cooperative children.

Many years ago when I was living in Vancouver and my firstborn was just a tiny toddler, I had a houseguest. In the few days she stayed with us, she made several comments regarding my interactions with my son. She had felt my toddler was too young to understand any of the things I was doing or saying. Maybe she was right. But I feel they were the keys to bringing up children who would become cooperative. I shall share 3 keys here.

1) Give good reasons

The houseguest had commented she did not see the necessity of me giving my son reasons for everything I had wanted him to do. She felt it was a waste of time, not to mention, it made me sound too long-winded. She had said that I should just tell him what to do and be done with it. “He is just a baby for gracious sake,” she had said. She made the comment when I told my son it was time for us to clean up the toys so we could get to the grocery store to buy food for dinner. It sure sounded like a long explanation for a very young child who might not have understood the reason.

To me, it did not matter whether he understood the implication of having to clean up the toys. What mattered was he knew my decision was not arbitrary. More than 10 years later, when my son was 13 years old, I had told him that I was thankful he did not turn argumentative when he became a teenager. His reply? He said I had always given him good reasons for asking him to do something so there was no reason for him to argue with me. And if he did not agree with my reasons, he just needed to explain why he couldn’t do what I asked him to. He never found the need to argue with me.

How beautiful was that?

I know I would not like it if someone just told me to drop what I was doing without telling me why. Likewise, I made it a habit to explain to all my children why they needed to do something. So if we want our children to listen to us, let them know why they should. If we cannot come up with a good reason, then maybe what we want them to do is not what they needed to do.

2) Keep promises

It was a cold and wet winter day. I had just finished my grocery run with my little toddler and the houseguest mentioned above. As I was buckling my son up in his car seat, I remembered something.   Oh no! I had promised to let him play at the little playground in the mall after we finished our grocery shopping but I had forgotten and gone straight to the car. I quickly unbuckled him and apologised to him for forgetting my promise to bring him to the little playground. The houseguest who was already nicely snuggled up in the car exclaimed, “You have got to be kidding me! He can’t remember your promise. Let’s just go.” I told her she could wait for me in the car while I brought my son to the playground. In the end, she decided to follow us back to the mall and I explained to her my philosophy of keeping promises, not withstanding whether my child (and subsequently children) understood or remembered.

Over the years, I strived very hard to only promise what I can deliver. My #2 holds me to my promises. Sometimes, circumstances may make it difficult to deliver on a promise. Once, I had told my children I would bring them to their favourite outdoor playground after we finished school for the day (we homeschool). But then it started storming. Obviously I couldn’t bring them to that outdoor playground. In the end, I brought them somewhere indoor to play after we were done with school. I also explained why there was a change in plans.

As long as we respect our children and keep our promises to the best of our ability, we gain their trust and it would be easier for them to listen to us and cooperate because they know we can be trusted.

3) Mean What We Say, Say What We Mean

It’s not just about keeping promises. For our children to know we can be trusted, we have to abide by everything we say, and I mean, EVERYTHING. We have to mean what we say and say what we mean.

Have you ever issued a threat to your children and later realise you have to eat your words? One frequent thought I had when my kids started a high pitch scream in the car was, “If you scream one more time, you are out of the car.” Thankfully, that’s something I said once and never again. But that thought always surfaced because invariably, one of my three children, when they were young, would scream at the top of their lungs when we were in the car. I used to have to bite my tongue to stop myself from issuing a blank threat.

Once, when my #2 was a toddler, we were on the way to the Children’s Museum in Cleveland, USA. She was feeling grumpy that day when I was driving and started screaming. Despite many attempts to get her to stop screaming by telling her where we were going, what we could expect to be doing, or even telling her about her favourite section of the Children’s Museum, I could not get her to stop. In frustration, I shouted over her screams, “If you scream one more time, we are going home.”

Before I go on, let me say that I was looking forward to a fun afternoon at the Children’s Museum with the children that day. It was a break for me as much as it was for them. But I had issued a threat (which is basically a promise). Thankfully, she stopped screaming and I thought gleefully that I had “won” because she knew I kept my promises.

Then she opened her mouth and screamed.

My son, who was almost 5 years old then, had been sitting very quietly, enduring his sister’s screams. I stopped the car and told him we were turning around to go home. I apologised to him and explained I, too, was very disappointed because, like him, I had looked forward to the trip. Tears welled up in his eyes but he did not wail, nor did he scold his sister. Instead he nodded and looked out of the window. I was so tempted to take back my word, but I stiffened my resolved and we went back home.

Once we arrived home, I explained to my daughter why we did not go to the Children’s Museum. I let my son choose his favourite DVD and we cuddled up as we watched the movie. To this day, my children know I keep my word with them, be it promise or threat.

Having said that, I do not use rewards or threats as a means to “control” my children. In fact, I rarely issue threats because I do not believe in coercion. Nor do I promise rewards as a condition for my children doing something because I do not believe in bribery. Most often, rewards rarely figure as part of the “negotiation” but my husband and I will still give them as a surprise because we want to celebrate the children’s cooperation.

My keeping my word is a way for my children to know they can trust me. And when I give them reasons for doing what they need to do, they will trust that too.

Conclusion

Getting our children to always cooperate with us is not something we can demand on short notice. It is a relationship that is built over time. It is built on understanding and trust.

Hence it is important we let our children know why we need their cooperation (give good reasons), and that we mean what we say. Keeping our word is not about using the carrot-and-stick method. It is about establishing trust. When our children trust us, it will be a lot easier for them to cooperate with us.

 

If you have found this post useful, please share it with your friends. Thank you!

– Vivian Kwek –