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Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp

In my previous post, I shared the 12 signs of online grooming to help parents teach their children what to look out for in their online interactions in case they are targeted by groomers.

KNOWING about the problem or being able to IDENTIFY the problem is decidedly different from DEALING with it.

How do I tell my daughter her new BFF is a villain? How do I do it in such a way she will not see me as the enemy, considering how much her BFF has poisoned her against me? How do I SOLVE the problem, instead of just removing the manifestations of the problem?

I followed my heart and chose the path of love and empathy.

And it worked.

So what did I do?

1) Keep Cool

When I found my daughter behaving strangely and showing reluctance in surrendering her phone for me to check, I knew in my gut something was wrong. It took great restraint for me to ask for her phone calmly and empathetically. Not as a demand, nor as an accusation, just as-a-matter-of-factly. It was not the first time I had checked the kids’ devices and it would not be the last. To my girl’s credit, she surrendered her phone cooperatively. Definitely with reluctance and apprehension, but she handed it to me nonetheless.

Why not just accuse her?
It would have been so easy to throw accusations like, “What’s wrong? You MUST be hiding something.”

However, such accusations are really counterproductive. I mean, the fact I had felt the need to check carried the assumption that I thought something was up. I did not see the need to rub it in because that would only serve to fracture our relationship.

I knew that if something was really up, a fractured relationship was the last thing I needed. It was clear she would be less inclined to listen to my guidance if her heart were disconnected from mine.

Hence, I worked hard to keep my tone non-accusatory.

How did I keep cool?
Keeping the focus of wanting to help her listen to me and cooperate with me helped me maintain my cool.

Every time an accusation was at the tip of my tongue, I had to bite it back. Yes, I do struggle with being nice and non-accusatory. But I was very conscious that I needed to keep our communication link open. And to do that, it was critical I removed anything that would close her heart to me.

2) Be Compassionate

When a cursory look through the messages confirmed my fears, I asked my daughter how she got to know X. She explained that she knew X from the live chats on Minecraft and apologised for breaking my “no live chat” rule. Upon further gentle probing, “gentle” being the operative word here, I found that she did not know X was an adult until they had moved to the private chat. “She’s a really nice lady, mom,” my girl had said.

I wanted to yell, “She’s a groomer for crying out loud!! She’s ‘nice’ so she can hook you!!!”

Fortunately, I held steadfast to my resolve to respond with love and empathy.

“Are you going to ban me from Minecraft, mom?” my girl asked.

“I don’t know yet,” I replied, and she looked crushed.

Not really knowing how to respond, I just hugged my precious princess tightly and told her, “I am not angry with you. I need to read through all the messages and we’ll decide how to proceed from here.”

My daughter nodded her head and I left to continue looking through the messages. When she saw me struggling to trace back to earlier messages, she helped me use the search function to leapfrog all the way to the beginning of their chat history. It was a great sign because it meant she was being cooperative, that she was open to me digging deeper. There was hope!

Why did I not blame her?
I knew she should know better. But I also knew she was a teenager and that most times, she would NOT know better. Yes, she messed up, but she’s just a teen with a partially developed logical brain. I know how human brains develop and how that affects what our teens can or cannot do. So I can’t blame her for what her brain has not developed to do.

If there were blame to be assigned, it would be to the adults in the picture. X definitely bears some responsibility. If X had an ulterior motive like I suspected, then all the more she was responsible. Even if she did not have ulterior motive, then as a responsible adult, she should not have asked my girl to private chat with her. That’s rule number one in child safety: Do not engage in one-to-one conversation in private with a child we do not know. So yes, X could be blamed.

It would have been easy to just stop there and blame only X. But if I dig deeper, I know I bear the bulk of the blame. I have not kept a close enough eye on my daughter’s online interactions. I have not been very involved in her day-to-day life. I have allowed my girl feel neglected enough to turn to someone else for love and empathy. I have not given her enough attention.

I am responsible for what had happened. Period.

How did I remain compassionate and not blame her?
Being aware that my daughter was not the cause of the problem helped me not lay the blame on her.

I understood that her going online for love and support was but a manifestation of a problem. The actual cause of the problem was that she wasn’t feeling enough love or getting enough support from me. Banning her from Minecraft, or her phone, or her internet accesss, would only deal with the “symptom”. But it would not take care of the root cause. I knew that if the root cause were not addressed, the manifestation of the problem where she went searching for love and empathy elsewhere would resurface.

Hence, I felt I compelled to be compassionate. How could I blame a victim?  Blaming her, while convenient, would distract me from the root cause.

3) Make An Effort To Praise

It took me 14 hours to plough through all the messages and take screen shots of conversations where X was “working her magic”. That meant that for 14 hours, my daughter would not know the verdict of my investigation.

However, I was mindful of what she was doing during that period of time. When she played with her little sister, I praised her for the interaction. Having seen how X attacked my little one in the chats and made her to be a rotten spoilt brat, I was so grateful my girl was willing to interact with her sister. I could see she was a lot more patient and loving in the interaction as well. Hence I spotlighted that for my girl so she knew I noticed what she was doing despite having my head immersed in the investigation.

So yes, I praised her for the little things she did.

Praise? Why not just let her worry about the consequences?
I was not interested in playing mind games. She had been played enough by X. I did not want to keep my girl on the edge of her seat, waiting for the guillotine to fall. Of course I was not going to chop off her head, but I knew that was what it must have felt like for her.

If I had just ignored her and let her tremble with uncertainty, what good would that serve? It would be neither loving nor empathetic. Some may think letting her cower will ensure she will remember the lesson better. Maybe. But that is not how I would like her to remember the lesson. I do not want her to remember to “behave” out of fear because, one day, I may not be around to instill that “fear”, then what? Or when she’s all grown up and doesn’t fear me any more, then what? Who or what will keep her in line? No, fear-based discipline does not last.

Instead, what I wanted to achieve from teaching this lesson was for her to understand that her mistake did not define her, nor would it stop me from loving her. I wanted her to know that everyone makes mistakes. More importantly, I wanted her to know that the best thing about making mistakes is that we get to learn from them so we will NEVER (as far as possible) make the same mistakes again. That was why I took the effort to praise her and spotlight what she was doing well, even as I was going through the “crime scene”.  I wanted her to know I still love her.

How did I still manage to look for something positive?
Knowing that there is something beautiful and positive in my daughter despite her mistake helped me look for that something positive.

After all, she is not THE mistake. More importantly, not EVERYTHING she does is a mistake. She just happened to have made a mistake, that is all.

I am aware that the more we look for positive behaviour in our children and reinforce those with affirmation and praises, the more our children will live up to our expectations. But if we keep nitpicking on their mistakes and misbehaviour, they would lose heart and stop wanting to become better because we never noticed their improvements anyway. I much prefer to ride the upward spiral rather than the downward one.

And now, as I look back at the past few days since the discovery, I have been swarmed with messages of love and encouragement from friends, and even strangers. I am conscious that everyone knows I have messed up as a parent, that I have made the mistake of neglecting my daughter, but no one has dragged me over the coals for it. For that I am grateful and motivated to be an even better parent.

Positive emotions like love, encouragement and empathy inspire corrective action more effectively than fear-based emotions. That is what motivated me to look for something positive to say to my girl.

4) Explain Patiently

Once I finished ploughing through the 6 weeks worth of constant messaging, I had a clear idea of what went on and what was communicated (in writing). I had also taken a zillion screenshots of the signs I had flagged on online grooming. Now I had the information to go talk to my daughter. But I was not emotionally ready to do so.

I took a moment to calm myself because, honestly, I was beyond flustered. I really had to suppress the urge to scream, “WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!” (Yes, unfortunately, I still do have urges like that.) But that would not help the situation.

How was I supposed to share what I have learned with my daughter? How should I do it in such a way she would really GET it, and more importantly, REMEMBER it?

Again, I meditated on love and empathy, and took a deep, deep breath.

Finally, I felt ready.

And that began our 3-hour debrief of the messages (and we only managed to cover ¾ of them). As we went through screenshot after screenshot, we read what X said, and I decoded it for my daughter in “groom-speak”. After a while, I did not even need to decode what X had said. My daughter would just exclaim over and over again, “OMG, I see what she’s doing here!”

My girl could not believe she had not seen the signs. All she saw previously was the kindness, love and support that X had given her. But with a fresh perspective, she now saw the subtle hints and the seeds that were planted, as well as the nurturing of those seeds till they became full grown resentment for the family. She also saw the increasing intensity and frequency of introducing X’s husband into the picture.

I did not have to hammer her head (and heart) with yelling and screaming. I simply gave her some guiding light and she saw the path herself. She saw where X was leading her.

How did I remain patient when the consequences could have been so severe?
Understanding that learning is done best when the student makes the discovery herself helped me to not rush her.

A student always learns better from a teacher who patiently guides the former to understand the lesson rather than from a teacher who rushes the lesson.

I could have sped up the debrief by just laying out what I knew or just laying out the 12 signs of online grooming that I found in the messages. But that’s stuffing information down my girl’s throat. She will forget about it as soon as the incident is over. She will not have gained any wisdom.

By slowly going through our lesson and helping her identify the signs herself, I am confident she will be able to identify the signs if she ever saw them again, even as an adult.

5) Apologise Sincerely

Wait, what? Apologise?

Yes, apologise.

I cannot pretend that EVERYTHING X had said about me was false. X had not lied. If she had, my daughter would have never believed her. If something were 100% false, it is easy to say, “No, that’s not true.” The problem was X had told half-truths. She had mixed lies with obvious truths. Half-truths are the most lethal because they transfer credibility to the lies. The truths make the lies believable. They make it easier to accept everything as true.

So what were the truths that X had said? She had simply repeated things that my daughter had told her, ie things my daughter knew to be true. For example, I was not there all the time when my daughter was doing her schoolwork, or I had restricted my daughter’s time on Minecraft, or I had brought the family out in the evenings or weekends, or I had praised my son, or I had spent time with my youngest daughter, etc etc.

However, X had lied viciously about the intentions behind those actions of mine. She had insisted that I had done those because I “obviously did not care” about my girl’s education, or that I had restricted my girl’s time on Minecraft or brought them out to deprive her of time on Minecraft because I “obviously didn’t care” what she liked to do in her free time, or that I was biased towards my son and youngest and did not care for my girl, etc. She really pounded on how I “OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T CARE” about my girl. Those were lies, lies that were easy to accept as truths because my daughter had FELT that I did not care.

So even though my daughter was misled by half-truths, there were truths in there that I had to take responsibility for. I was not present enough in my girl’s day-to-day life and her online interactions. While I did spend time sitting down to teach her, I had left her on her own to do the assignments. Maybe she needed me to be around (instead of being out for meetings etc) so she could ask me when she was stuck with her work.

The reason why my daughter had believed X was because I had created the “truths” for X to hang her lies on. I was the root cause. If I had not created those “truths”, X would have had nothing to work her magic on.

So I did what I needed to do. I apologised to my daughter. Sincerely. Repeatedly.

How did I even bring myself to apologise when it was X’s fault?
Realising that I was the root cause was all that was needed. Really.

I was not apologising for what X did. I apologised for giving X the opening to do what she did.

I have realised that apologies, when done sincerely, can heal relationships. My relationship with my daughter obviously had a crack which was why X was able to infiltrate in. My apology helped my daughter understand I knew I needed to bear responsibility of what had happened, that I knew my mistake, that I was willing to learn from my mistake. Those were powerful admissions that could mend emotional hurts. I could not afford to let my ego get in the way of having a strong relationship with my daughter, especially when I already knew I was at fault.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I had not invested sufficiently to keep my daughter’s connection with me strong. I may have thought it was sufficient, but it was obviously not sufficient enough for her to feel connected with me. Hence, I need to buck up and do what is necessary. This is not about me but about meeting her needs. I cannot possibly tell her, “Too bad. That’s all I have to offer.” I need to work harder to ensure she feels my love and not feel neglected.

With this, I need to relook at how I can remain connected with each of my three children (and my husband). More importantly, I need to check in with them regularly to be sure THEY feel connected with me.

What Happened to the Earlier “Connection” Established?

If my girl and I have had such a strong connection previously, how could this have happened? Was that connection completely gone? Or was that connection non-existent in the first place?

I am confident our connection is still there. It’s just that a section of the “bridge” fell off. That was why my daughter broke the rules and that was why an intruder was able to drive a wedge between us.

I know our earlier connection is still there because if it weren’t, my daughter would not have surrendered her phone without a big fight, nor would she have helped me with my investigation when I was fumbling with the app. More critically, she would not have been open to my decoding but would have insisted I was wrong and X was right.

If we have not had a strong connection before this, she could have stolen our credit cards and taken the first flight out to meet X.

I thank God that all the effort I have put in to establish a strong relationship with her has paid off. Things could have been so much worse.

 

Conclusion

Going back to the FB post I had quoted in Part 1 regarding my learning point from Safer Internet Day 2018,

“Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.”

Again, the power of having a strong relationship proves itself.

What had happened was a result of my lack of investment in the relationship between my daughter and me. My initial “investment principal” was still there. It’s just that I had momentarily stopped making “deposits”, resulting in a dip in the “return of investment”.

The lesson I took from this episode is this. We cannot take for granted that our initial investment in our relationship will last forever. We need to continually invest in it. And that applies to ALL relationships.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Internet Safety For Kids (Part 1) ~ Identifying Online Groomers

On Feb 6, 2018, I was invited to attend Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google and I had written a short post about it on my Decoding Your Child Facebook Page:

Safer Internet Day 2018 hosted by Google.

Heard from a strong panel about what parents can do to ensure internet safety for their children. What can we do about our children’s incessant gaming or addiction to their devices? What do we do if our children experience cyberbullying?

Very insightful sharing on strategies but the one point that kept coming across: establish a strong relationship with our children so they are more open to our guidance.

A great quote:
“Rules with relationship lead to response.
Rules without relationship lead to rebellion.”

 That is so true. If our relationship and connection with our children is broken, they will rebel against any rules we establish.

However, if our relationship with them is strong, if our connection with them is strong, it means there is trust, love and respect between our children and us. Then they will be more willing to respect the boundaries we set and be more open to the mediation strategies listed in the photo below.

So let us all strive to decode our children. Let us understand them so we can support their love and passion. When our children know we are on their side, they will naturally be drawn to us for guidance.

And I had signed off with my signatory, “Happy parenting!”

Pride Before Fall

There I was feeling rather positive that I had protected my children from cyberbullying. I was rather pleased with myself for turning my son’s “addiction” to gaming into a passion for programming and for limiting my daughter’s time on MineCraft. I was so confident my teens were safe on the internet. After all, they were not allowed to play online games with people whom they did not know, or in the case of MineCraft, they were not allowed to play with chats on. As far as I knew, my son was still coding in Khan academy and my teenage daughter played MineCraft hosted on my son’s server. There had definitely been no indication of cyberbullying going on. Yes, they were internet-safe. I was certain they would obey my internet rules since I had explained extensively to them the dangers of the internet.  Besides, my emotional connection with my children is strong. They would tell me if something were amiss.

Unfortunately, I could not have been more mistaken.

Rude Awakening

After I posted my FB post and got home, I went to check in with the children. My son, as usual, was coding. My teen daughter was busy tapping away on her phone. As soon as she saw me, she put her phone down. Something felt off. So out of curiosity, I asked her for her phone.

“Why?” she asked. I told her I had just attended an internet safety talk and I wanted to be sure about her and her brother’s safety online. Since she was no longer on the phone, I would like to see what she had been doing on it.

“I’d rather you didn’t,” was her reply. She had never expressed resistance to my requests for “spot checks” on any of her devices or her computer before. Her demeanour now was making me extremely worried.

“I’m sorry I must. To be safe. Please.” I said. Reluctantly, she handed me her phone. “I’d rather you didn’t, mom,” she repeated.

“I must. I’m sorry,” I replied as I took her phone with an empathetic look.

As I was going through the list of persons she had been WhatsApping with, a new message notification popped up. It was from an app I had never seen appeared. The icon that flashed looked like a blue game console. I caught sight of the word, “Discord”. The message disappeared before I read it.

Curious, I went hunting for it. I asked my teens what Discord was and my son told me it was an app for online chat. Online chat? What was that about? I scrolled through my daughter’s phone to find the app and found it hidden on the second page of a cluster of apps named, “Unused”. It was intentionally stored in a place where I would least likely check.

I opened the app to read the chats. It had started about 6 weeks ago, and it took me about 14 hours to get through every single message. Needless to say, I was horrified by what I discovered.

Was My Daughter Being “Groomed”?

I had read about internet dangers like online grooming. That was why I had forbidden my children from playing any online games with people whom they did not know in real life. And I had explained to them why as well as the presence of dangers like grooming. Never in a million years did I expect that any of my children could be subjected to it.

The first message had started 6 weeks ago. As I read the series of messages, I kept seeing comments that raised red flags. Was my daughter being groomed?

What is Grooming?

According to National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children in United Kingdom, “grooming is when someone builds an emotional connection with a child to gain their trust for the purposes of sexual abuse, sexual exploitation or trafficking.” I confess I do not know the intention of this person who has been contacting my daughter, but I do recognize the signs of grooming. Below were the signs I flagged.

Signs of Grooming

1) Moving from public chat room to private chat
This is the first sign of grooming. Groomers want to “work their magic” in private. Once they manage to get the child into a private chat platform, they can say whatever they want and manipulate the child without anyone the wiser.

That was how it happened for my daughter. She “met” this person, let’s call her X, on an online chat while playing MineCraft. Yes, she should have known better than to turn on the online chat. Unfortunately, in her naiveté, she did not know better. X seemed nice enough. X was helpful on the chat forum. By moving to the private chat, they could talk to each other without clogging up the public chat forum. What harm could there be?

2) Planting insidious seeds of negativity against the parents
Groomers typically plant seeds of negativity against the parents or trusted adults of the child. They sow seeds of discord and distrust to alienate the child and gain the trust of the child. As the grooming progresses, their attacks against the child’s trusted adults get more frequent and vicious.

I was surprised that within the first day of private chatting, X had planted a seed of negativity against my husband and me. It was a very subtle, almost inconspicuous side comment. My daughter had complained about the behaviour issues my preschooler had and X commented, “that’s the kind of things they learn from school or bad parents (emphasis is mine).” It was only Day 1 and X had already launched the first volley of attack.

After a few days, X referred to us as “the monsters” and called me “mean”. Within a month, I was “manipulative” for restricting my daughter’s access to MineCraft. X even wrote an entire essay on why I was “cruel, selfish and irresponsible and uncaring.” The barrage of accusations had left me breathless and incredulous. How could someone who did not even know me write about me with so much venom and hatred?

It did not end there. X even told my daughter that by law, when my girl turned 16, X could adopt her regardless of whether my husband or I agreed to it or not. And X would do that for her because X would not be the horrible parents that we were.

3) Fishing for information about the child
Now that there is a potential victim who is separated from the crowd, into a private chat platform, groomers need to know more about the potential victim. Instead of asking for information directly which would raise alarms in the victim, groomers will gently fish for information like age, name, location, school, etc.

X was smooth and praised the public chat forum of the MineCraft server they were on (no, they were not on my son’s server) for keeping users anonymous in order to protect the identity of all the users. X started talking about their avatars and how that could also help maintain anonymity. My daughter, being the trusting girl that she is, happily described herself. By the end of week 2, X knew everything about our family, including how we looked like. (yes my daughter sent X photos of the family.) The only saving grace here was my daughter refused to divulge our address despite repeated enticement from X that she would receive gifts in the mail if she would tell X her address.

4) Pushing for voice calls, then video calls
How would groomers authenticate the identity of their potential victims. How would the groomers know if the victim is indeed a child and not another groomer? How would they know if this child looks appealing? The best way is to do a video call so they can see for themselves. But to request for a video call right away would seem hasty and raise suspicions. So they will start by first suggesting voice calls, and when familiarity is increased, video calls. No only will the video show how the child looks like, it will also show the environment and setting of where the computer is and how much privacy the child has when online. In addition, once the child is comfortable doing video chats, the groomers could potentially get the child to do all kinds of stuff in front of the camera.

X was smart. The first few voice calls were “wonky”. My daughter could not hear X. When X’s voice sounded “robotic”, X’s reason was Discord (the app) was unstable. Finally, after several weeks, the voice issue was sorted out. My daughter could hear X (I suspect by then X had a voice changer installed properly). And a couple weeks later, X asked for video chats. In the video, X appeared to be who she said she was, an elderly lady who had difficulty walking. To me, she looked like an oversized man with a wig (X had sent my girl photos of herself).

5) Sowing ideas of meeting
In the case of online grooming, where the groomers do not know the physical location of the potential victim, they will casually plant an idea of a meet up. Over the duration of the grooming, they will suggest it more and more frequently until a request or suggestion for a meetup seems almost natural.

As the weeks passed, X would keep planting notions that it would be so awesome if they could meet. Or if my daughter were old enough and had enough money, she could fly to X.

6) Being the first to warn about groomers
The first one to raise a suspicion tends to appear less suspicious. Groomers are psychological experts. They know that to allay the fears of their victim, they need to be the first to raise the dangers of internet groomers. If they raise it first, their victim will naturally think they cannot be groomers. After all, who would want to be the whistle blower of their own crime?

And that was exactly what X did. Very early in their chats, X wrote, “I sound like some creep trying to gain your friendship and confidence to meet up and kidnap you.” If X could outright talk about online “kidnappers”, surely she (assuming she’s a she) can’t be one, right?

7) Suggesting to move to other “play” platforms
Groomers typically do not work alone. They have a network for which they help one another “snare” victims. If they know the physical location of their victim, they could redirect the victim to another platform where groomers from the victim’s location hang out. The “introducer” can get a fee for it.

Within a week of chatting, X suggested for my daughter to play on another server. When that failed despite repeated prompting, X introduced her to another group game where gamers exchange resources to get what they need. That would require my girl to interact with even more strangers, strangers X knew and could potentially, by transference of trust, get my girl to trust them. Luckily, my daughter was not interested.

8) Paving the way for appearance of a man
If the groomers had presented themselves as females to their potential victims, there is a high likelihood they would want to introduce a man into the picture. In fact, they would want their victim to believe this man to be someone whom the groomers trust and love. That would help with the transference of trust and reduce the suspicion or hesitancy of their victim accepting this new male figure.

Within 2 days of chatting, X casually mentioned something about sending a man of my girl’s dream into her path. The whole sowing was so well planned. First, X talked about how awesome her husband was. Then when my daughter commented how nice it was that X had a great husband, X casually tossed in the “fantasy” of sending a nice man to my girl. Over the course of the 6 weeks, X would hint that it would be great if X’s husband met up with my daughter. X even mentioned her husband was ok with her spending the night with a male friend. I presumed X was paving the way to tell my daughter it would be ok to spend the night with her husband should he appear.

In fact, on several occasions, the person who appeared on the chats identified himself as X’s husband. It was disturbing because there was really no way to tell who was in the chat until that person said he was the husband.

9) Establishing trust with the child
How do groomers establish trust so quickly with their victim? Simple. They are quick to identify similarities in interests, experience, possessions, even illness, to say, “Look, we are so alike. No wonder we click. We are best buddies.” That helps to draw their victim closer to them.

Time and again, X was very quick to point out how identical she was with my daughter. From objects like books, to interests in art, to physical ailments, to experiences with betrayal by friends, to everything under the sun., whatever my daughter mentioned, X exclaim how alike they were. Call me a skeptic, but the occurrence of similarities between the two of them was way too high to be coincidental.

10) Building deep connections with the child
Groomers can be really caring and nurturing, or appear to be so. They will dig for things that trouble their victim and offer comfort to them. They will praise and flatter their victims and lament why no one (ie the other adults in the child’s life) else saw the strengths of the child. They make themselves appear to be the one and only person who cares about and love the child, who will protect the child. They make everyone else the villain. Because of their showering of love and concern of their victim, the latter gets emotionally drawn towards their groomers.

I guess I didn’t have to elaborate on this with X. She was really good at showering attention on my girl. Apparently, X was on a different time zone and she made it very clear that she would stay up to chat with my daughter anytime she needed X. X would comfort my girl when she was sad, and berate others (ie me) for making life miserable for my daughter. She was very effective at showing she was on my girl’s side and she would fight all monsters for her. How could one not feel loved by and connected to someone like that?

11) Identifying the level of isolation of the child
Groomers know if their victim has a strong relationship with other adults in her life, there is a likelihood the victim will, at some point, turn to these other adults for help when she is unsure of how to respond to the groomers requests. Hence, they will attempt to figure out how isolated their victim is. If the victim is not isolated enough, they will resort to attack those close to the victim till she feels totally lonely and has no one else left except the groomers themselves.

And that was what X did. When she first started badmouthing me and blaming me for not allowing my girl to go on MineCraft, my daughter had defended me and explained why that had happened. However, as the days passed, X would add a comment here and there and illustrate how unreasonable I was. As a teen, it was understandable, at least to me, why it was appealing for my daughter to see me in that light. So by and by, my daughter turned against me. Through it all, X kept asking if there was anyone at all that my daughter could go to. And repeated, my daughter said she only had X.

12) Threatening to spill the beans
Grooming is a psychological game. After establishing that the victim is completely isolated and dependent on the groomers, they would then threaten, either seriously or jokingly, to tell the secret to their victim’s parents. Out of fear, their victim will toe the line and play by their rules.

Yes, X did that, multiple times. Sometimes the threats came across as jokes. Sometimes they sounded like threats. X even planting the fear that she had a private investigator searching for my girl and that this private investigator could tell me everything. Knowing my daughter, she would never want me to know of this secret because she knew she was not supposed to be playing MineCraft with chat on. She was afraid that if I found out, I would ban her from playing MineCraft or that I would confiscate all her devices so she would not be able to interact with X. Naturally, she grew more compliant as the chat went on.

Conclusion

So there you have it, the 12 signs I identified from the chats that looked like X was grooming my daughter. What would you do if you were in my position?

I will share what I did with my discovery in my next blog post Internet Safety for Kids (Part 2)) ~ Prying My Daughter From The Groomer’s Grasp.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Lessons From Missing An Exam

So…. my 15-year-old son forgot he had a mid-term exam at the university this morning. Yep. FORGOT he had an EXAM to sit for.

I only realised it 30 minutes after the exam had started. Thankfully, I was aware that freaking out would serve no purpose. Instead, we hustled to the car and I drove him to the exam hall.

Before you think I am condoning his mistake, or that my rushing to his “rescue” will do him more harm than good, please hear me out. What has been done cannot be undone. Getting mad would do no good. Instead, I see it as an excellent opportunity to help him learn important lessons from missing the exam.

What could the lessons be?  How would he learn them?  Instead of lecturing him, I chose to ask him questions to help him reflect and derive the lessons himself.  So what did he learn?

1) Apologies Are Important
Before we got into the car, I had warned him that heading to the exam hall now did not mean he would get to sit for the exam. In fact, it would not be reasonable to expect his lecturer to stay on for him. So R was prepared that he would score a big fat ZERO for the paper because he had missed it.

Why then did we rush down?  Through Q&A and some guidance, R learned that we made the effort of going to the university so he could apologise to his lecturer in person. His lecturer had been very kind to accept him as a student. But he had stood his lecturer up by forgetting to go for the exam. He had made a mistake and therefore, he needed to sincerely apologise for it.  And he could not be more sincere than giving the apology in person as soon as possible.

2) Reflection On What Went Wrong Is Important
More importantly, he learned that he needed to know how this mistake happened. Yes, he made a big mistake. However, it would be a bigger mistake if he did not learn what went wrong and ended up making the same mistake again. Again through Q&A, he reflected on where the failure occurred and what his hidden assumptions were (e.g.: mom will remind him or he will somehow just remember).

3) Making Corrective Actions Is CRITICAL
But learning what went wrong without taking corrective actions to prevent the same mistake from occurring is pointless.  Hence, he needed to identify what systems and checks he needed to have so he will always be able to remember his appointments, especially those that are not in his regular routine.

4) Mistakes Are Learning Opportunities
Another important lesson he learned is every failure and mistake is an opportunity to learn and grow. The failures and mistakes do not define him. They are stepping stones to helping him discover his blind spots and areas of weakness so he can become better. It is important he does not beat himself up but recognise he has work to do to improve. He learned he could transmute failure into success as long as he learned from them.

5) We Are There To Support His Learning
I guess the most important lesson he learned was that his dad and I will always be there to support his learning. We will not throw stones at him when he falters. Neither will we solve his problems for him. Instead, we will always be there to help him stand up, learn and become better so he can fight his own battles.

Conclusion
I am very disappointed he had missed his exam.  However, I am very heartened and grateful that his lecturer has allowed him to work on the exam paper. Not only that, Prof had agreed to mark his paper. Regardless of whether the grades will be recognised, I am thankful R will have the chance to see how much he has learned or identify the gaps that he still has in the course. Whatever the outcome of this course is, this incident has not been in vain. R has learned some precious lessons, and for that, I am extremely grateful.

Happy parenting!

~ Vivian Kwek ~

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Undoing the Work of a “Teacher”

I spent some time reconnecting with my little preschooler who hasn’t seen me last 4 days because of my intense training program. What she said broke my heart.

A said, “Teacher Vanee has left. She went to another school. K1 (Kindergarten 1st year) is too boring, and the naughty boy doesn’t listen.”

I was taken aback by her comment so I asked her what made her think that’s why the teacher had left.

“That’s what Teacher Vanee said to us. She said she is leaving because K1 is too boring and the naughty boy doesn’t listen,” she explained.

So many alarms screamed at me that, for a moment, I didn’t know how to react. After a deep breath and a pause, I decided to begin with the “naughty” boy.   I know exactly which boy A is referring to because she has spoken of him often. The boy who can’t sit still. The boy who is rough. The boy who hits. The boy who shouts at his classmates. Basically, the boy whom the teacher calls “naughty boy”.

The “Naughty” Boy
This little boy, Z, is brought to and from school every morning by his grandmother. It is obvious his grandmother loves him because I have seen her hug him occasionally when he cries while waiting in line for the classroom door to open. But more often, I hear her abusing him verbally, calling him names. I have seen her lift her hand to him and he flinched (a sign he has been frequently hit). I have even seen, from a distance, her hitting him. The one time I intervened was when we were walking to school and they were right in front of us. She had scolded him, “You are so naughty. Nobody likes you. Even your teacher doesn’t like you.” When the boy attempted to hug her, she shoved him away. “I also don’t like you,” she responded in disgust.

Here was a small little 5-year-old being verbally hurt by his caregiver, someone whom he loves. And when he sought some comfort from her, she had shoved him off with a hurtful comment laced with repulsion. That tore my heart and I asked her why she spoke to him that way. We had a little conversation and she justified her own behaviour.

It’s hard to teach someone who doesn’t want to learn. So I ended with “He is just a kid and he needs love.” Ever since, that grandmother has made sure she keeps a distance from me when sending her grandson to school.

I have, on many occasions, asked A to stop calling or referring to Z as “naughty boy”. But I understand it’s hard for her do so because that’s what she hears everyday in school. So after A’s comment about why her teacher was leaving, I asked A to stop calling Z “naughty”. I explained that he behaved the way he did because he had not been taught correctly how to behave. He may have been taught how to behave, but because he is not taught properly, he still hasn’t learned.

His Mistake Was Mirroring
I explained to A that the reason she doesn’t shout at or hit her friends at school is because she is taught that yelling and hitting other people is wrong. Not only is she taught that those behaviour is not acceptable, she also doesn’t see anyone at home yelling or hitting. What she experiences at home is the same as what she is taught. So she learns.

But for Z, it is different. Yes, he is definitely taught not to shout at or hit his friends. Umpteen times.  But he is being shouted at and hit, not only at home, but in public as well. So he is confused. He doesn’t understand why he can’t do what his grandmother (and perhaps other members in the household) does. And when he is confused, he just mirrors the behaviour he always sees, which is shouting at and hitting people.

The Boy Needs Love
I also told A that Z needs a lot of love. I told her if Z is nasty to her, she can protect herself by walking away and telling the teacher. But before she does that, she needs to tell Z, “My mom says you need love and I need to be kind to you. But it doesn’t mean you can shout at/hit me.” A nodded her head and she repeated the sentence several times. With each repetition, her eyes teared more.

I asked her if she felt sad for Z and she said yes. She also said Z was sad that Teacher Vanee was leaving.

I explained that he is sad because he loves Teacher Vanee. And he is sad because he believes it is he who drove Teacher Vanee away. I told A that my heart breaks for Z.

Why The Teacher Left
Next I told A that Teacher Vanee did not leave because school was boring or that Z was naughty. Teacher Vanee could have left because she found a school that gives her more money, or she found a school which is more enjoyable for her, or she found a school closer to her home.

“No GOOD teacher would leave simply because one child does not listen. A GOOD teacher will do everything in her power to help the child, to teach the child. And no GOOD teacher will leave because school is boring. A GOOD teacher will MAKE her class and lessons fun.” In fact, I told her I am glad Teacher Vanee has left because I have long felt she is not a suitable teacher for preschoolers. I am glad she found another job which suits her better and I hope she is not teaching preschoolers.

Impact on the Children
My heart remained heavy for the day. I feel sorry that Z will live under the guilt of chasing his teacher away. I feel sorry for her students who now will see their K1 life as boring (because their teacher had said so).

I am glad Teacher Vanee has left my daughter’s school, but I dread the impact she would have on her new students.

– Vivian Kwek –

 

 

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The Most Important Thing Parents Can Do For Their Children

As the wise saying goes, “The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother. ”

I would go one step further and say that the most important thing parents can do for their children is to love their children’s other parent. In other words, moms need to love their children’s dad too.

Today, I celebrate my 20th wedding anniversary with my husband. As I reflect back on our years together as a couple, and subsequently as parents, I am extremely grateful for the bliss, joy and love this relationship has brought us. More importantly, I am grateful my children have witnessed and experienced a loving and respectful relationship between my husband and me.

There is no better way for our children to learn how to behave in a healthy loving relationship than have their parents role model it. Of course, in abusive relationships, we need to show our children how we stand up for ourselves, seek help for the abusive parent, and if necessary, leave the relationship. But for now, we are looking at normal, healthy spousal relationships.

What Is Love?

What do our children learn from observing how we behave with our spouse? Simple. They learn how love looks like. They learn it’s not all fluff or floating on cloud nine all the time. They learn that “living happily ever after” takes effort and is a conscious decision EVERY SINGLE DAY. In other words, they learn the realities of a loving relationship.

But what are those things that make a relationship work? What are the efforts we need to put in?

1) Trust
Trust is the foundation of a strong relationship. Without trust, nothing works.

Some say trust needs to be earned. Some say trust needs to be given. For me, trust is something we give based on previous experiences with the person. Most of the time, when we say “I do” at the altar (or wherever we say our marital vows at), we trust the person with whom we are marrying. And it is CRITICAL that the trust is not breached or abused.

When we trust our spouse, we do not question their actions, words or intentions.

What do our children learn?

They learn that trust, like integrity, is extremely important. They learn that trust, once lost, is hard to regain. They learn never to abuse the trust of someone they love. They learn what it means to be trustworthy. Most importantly, they learn they can trust us.

2) Open Communication
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship, then open communication is the glue that gels it together.

Open communication with our spouse requires us to be vulnerable with each other, to share our fears, anxieties, hopes and aspirations. It also allows us to share our frustrations and anger without fear that our spouse will take those negatively or personally. That is why trust is critical in a relationship. With trust, open communication comes more easily.

It is with open and honest communication that we can understand our spouse better and vice versa. With understanding, we can appreciate why they do what they do, why they say what they say and vice versa. There will be fewer opportunities for misunderstanding because we know what is going on. But of course differences will still exist. That is why a strong communication link is the bridge that will help us mitigate differences. Trust and open communication allow us to talk calmly and listen attentively to each other ALL THE TIME.

As far as possible, my husband and I have open conversations in the presence of our children. They hear us air our joys and unhappiness. They hear us talk about the future and our concerns. They hear how we resolve scheduling conflicts or make compromises. They hear our thought processes on why things are the way they are and why we do the things we do.

What do our children learn?

They learn the importance of communication. They experience how it helps them manage their expectations. They see how we reason things out calmly and how we listen to each other without interrupting. More importantly, they learn they can trust us with their secrets and their fears and they no longer feel alone with their struggles.

3) Respect
If trust is the foundation of a strong relationship and open communication is the glue that gels it together, then respect is the result we will get.

What does respect look like? No, we don’t have to address our spouse as Sir/M’am or Mr/Mrs so-and-so. But it does mean we use the word “please” a lot.

Respect is about being mindful of our spouse’s wishes, their likes and dislikes and how they feel. It’s about reaching important decisions together. It’s also about not making demands but making requests with “please”s.  More importantly, it is about being respectful even behind our spouse’s back. In other words, we do not badmouth our spouse EVER. We may disagree with what they do or say, but we never attack them without them being present to defend themselves.

Nothing destroys a relationship faster than being disrespectful to someone or undermining that person’s authority. This is because disrespect by one person essentially translates to “I don’t care about you or what your think” and/or “You don’t matter at all.” It makes the other person lose trust in the relationship. It’s no wonder a relationship will fail in that sort of toxic environment.

Does it mean we must always agree with our spouse no matter what? Obviously not! We must iron out differences and disagreements but we can do that respectfully.

There is an ongoing joke in our family. When my husband and I first started dating 26 years ago, I had read in magazines that a couple must have a big quarrel before they can get married otherwise, their marriage might not survive their first quarrel. I had told my then-boyfriend that we needed to find something to quarrel about.” And he had jokingly said, “You want to quarrel? Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” Recently, I brought this up again, and again his reply was, “Let’s quarrel about needing to quarrel.” 😀

My husband and I have been in a relationship for 26 years now, and till today, knock on wood, we have yet to muster up a reason to quarrel. Do we have disagreements? Of course! But we have never found the need to scream at each other or tear down each other in the attempt to push our views across. We have been able to air our views respectfully mainly because we have been able to sit down and listen to each other calmly. There were times when we agreed to disagree, but to be honest, I can’t remember what those were. 😛

How are we able to achieve that? Simple. It all boils down to our mindsets. We believe the other person is just as intelligent as ourselves, if not more. We believe that both of us have the best interest of the family. We believe that we could be looking at things from a different perspective and that it is important to see things from the other person’s perspective. We believe that if we work together and put our heads together, we could come up with a better idea or solution than bulldozing our way through. We believe that acknowledging we were mistaken will not diminish our standing with each other or with ourselves.

Basically, we believe we have made the right choice when we said “I do” all those years ago.

What do our children learn?

They learn how to be respectful, not just to their parents, but to their siblings, to their friends, and everyone around them. They learn to mind their “P”s. They learn how to disagree respectfully. They learn it is not embarrassing to back down on their views when someone presents a stronger case. They learn that working together with a common goal is more empowering and effective than working to undermine someone else’s authority. They learn that issues can be resolved without raised voices, fights or violence. And that will help them resolve conflicts amicably when they grow up.

4) Appreciation
So for there to be a strong relationship, we need to have trust, open communication and respect. And when we have respect for someone, we will very naturally show our appreciation to that person.

A healthy relationship REQUIRES, yes, requires, a show of appreciation. Why? Because it means we have not taken that person for granted. It shows we respect the person and what he/she has done for us. A simple “thank you” means a lot to keeping the relationship strong. It shows we acknowledge our spouse’s effort for doing something for us, even if it is as simple as getting us a drink, or even calming an upset child.

Some may object and say, well, the child is our spouse’s too so why should we thank them for watching or calming the child. The answer is simple. Would it make us feel better if our spouse acknowledge and show appreciation to us when we care for our children? Would a “Thank you for waking up in the middle of the night to soothe baby”, or, “I know it’s been hard on you looking after our girl when she was sick” bring warmth to our hearts? “ If the answer is yes (even if we think it is not necessary), then it means the “thank you” adds to our emotional bank account with our spouse. Likewise, when we thank our spouse, it adds to their emotional bank account with us.

In our family, thank you’s are expected and usually automatically given. If someone forgets, my little preschooler will remind them to say their thank yous. We mind our “Q”s because we respect everyone and do not take anyone for granted.

What do our children learn?

They learn to show appreciation for everything. They learn not to take anything for granted. Most importantly, they learn not to take us, their parents, for granted. They learn to say thank you. They learn to appreciate everything and everyone. And that will help them build strong relationships in all areas when they grow up: with their friends, their co-workers, their spouse, their in-laws, their children, everyone.

5) Acceptance
We have looked at the importance of trust, open communication, respect and appreciation. The next ingredient to a strong healthy relationship is acceptance. Yes, it means not attempting to change the other person.  I mean, if we attempt to change someone, we are not being respectful of that person, are we?

It’s hard to live with someone who is always doing their utmost best to change us or our behaviour. There will always be tension if we want our spouse to do things the way we want them to or vice versa. When we said our “I do”, we were ok with the person we were marrying. After marriage, it is important for us to continue being ok living with the person as they are for the rest of our lives.

No one is perfect. We most definitely aren’t and so we cannot expect our spouse to be. We will end up creating a lot of undue tension for our spouse by attempting to change them, and we will be creating unnecessary disappointment for ourselves when our spouse refuses to change. Instead, let us just learn to accept. Breathe… Let. It. Go.

Jim Rohn once said that for things to change, first we must change. We have to change the way we look at things, the way we look at our spouse. Then and only then we can accept our spouse for who they are, flaws and all.

I know I am not perfect, and neither is my spouse. There are things about him that drive me up the wall and I am 100% sure he pulls his hair out at some aspects of me. However, I have learned to remind myself of all the things I love about him each time I get upset with him. And suddenly, I will no longer feel irked. Over the years, I get better and better at shrugging things off and loving him even more. Sure, there are still times I find myself up on the wall. But my recovery time has shortened. 😛

I am sure my dear husband has his own ways of dealing with all my flaws and imperfections for he has not moved to “improve” me. I know there are times he gets really frustrated with me, but he has been able to achieve equilibrium rather quickly too.

We have changed the way we looked at the flaws in each other and because of that, our relationship has thrived.

Speaking of change, we all know that change is the only constant. People change.  The spouse we have today is not the same person we married. Our spouse has changed, as have we. Our interests could have changed. Our habits could have changed. Our outlook in life could have changed. And with each change, the only way we can continue accepting each other is if we have open communication. Otherwise, one day we would wake up and realize to our horror that the person next to us in bed is a total stranger.

What do our children learn?

Our children learn that love is unconditional. They learn that we will accept them as they are and love them for who they are, not what we want them to be. They will feel safe. They learn they can be authentic in a relationship, that they do not have to wear a mask. More importantly, they learn to accept others as they are. They also learn that acceptance requires open communication based on trust and respect.

Conclusion

A strong relationship takes work. It takes investment in time and effort. It is based on the foundation of trust, from which open communication thrives. With that, respect grows which in turn gives rise to appreciation and acceptance.

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The best part of cultivating a strong relationship is with our spouse is that our children are watching, learning, and modeling after us. Not only will they feel safe growing up in a loving environment, they will learn how to nurture a loving relationship when they grow up.

Happy parenting!

– Vivian Kwek –