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When Children Show Signs of Depression

 

Has your child become more withdrawn or turned more aggressive and violent? Has he become increasingly whiny, clingy or dependent? Has he, on a regular basis, resisted going to school? Does he constantly complain of headaches or stomachaches?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “yes”, chances are your child COULD BE going through a depressive episode. Statistics show that about 1 in 5 children go through a depressive episode while growing up. Teens, unfortunately, suffer higher rates of depression compared to younger children.

Before we go any further, let us first understand what depression is and what this post aims to achieve.

What Is Depression?

Clinically, depression is a sustained depressed mood. It is not an occasional sadness or depressed mood that most of us feel from time to time. Most depression lasts between 7-9 months, though in some cases, it could last for years.

Depression is typically accompanied not only by a feeling of sadness, but also a loss of interest in most activities or a sense of unworthiness and/or guilt. In more severe cases, frequent thoughts of deaths/suicides occur.

The psychological state of depression is typically manifested physically as constant fatigue or physical aches, sudden changes in sleep patterns as well as sudden weight loss/gain. In severe cases, attempts at suicide are also committed.

This Post Does Not Offer Medical Advice

This post is NOT intended to offer medical advice on depression as I have neither the medical knowledge nor expertise to do that. Should your child suffer from prolong or severe depression, my advice would be for you to seek medical intervention for your child immediately.

If you aren’t sure if your child is suffering from depression but you feel that something is amiss, I’d strongly encourage you to seek medical advice nonetheless. It might well be the case that your child needs medical intervention and/or counseling. When it comes to the well-being of our children, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

So if I am not dealing with the medical intervention of depression, what then is this post about?

What We Can Do To Help Our Children

My aim is to share with adults (parents and teachers) strategies we can use when our children exhibit depressive symptoms, with the assumption that medical advice has been sought.  As the adults who have the most interaction with our children, both parents and teachers play significant roles in making or breaking our children.

Regardless of whether our children are going through a depressive phase or suffering from an actual full blown case of depression, there are many things we can do to support them. I believe that given the right support, our children can get out of that state more easily. So what can we do to elevate their feelings?

1) Show Them Love and Support

The first thing we can do is to show our children love and support.

Talk to them and let them know without a doubt that they are NOT alone. Many times, children feel depressed when they think they are alone in dealing with their problems, when they think no one cares, or when they feel unsupported. Letting our children know we are with them always, especially through bad times, is a significant boost to their morale and confidence.

Be available to listen to them and resist giving them advice. Let them work out their emotions and feelings, allow them to get things off their chests.

Just by being there for them, showing them we love them and that we will always support them will help them climb out of the darkness more quickly and easily.

2) Accept Our Children For Who They Are

Acceptance is key to letting our children feel they are worthy. They do not feel the need to be someone else. They do not feel they have to be perfect.

Accepting our children for who they are does not mean we just let them be and allow them to run wild without guidance. That would be irresponsible of us.

Instead, accepting our children means we love them with their strengths AND we love them with their limitations. It means loving them with their flaws and all.

As responsible parents and teachers, we can and should help our children gradually strengthen themselves and overcome limitations. But our children should at no time feel unworthy because they are imperfect.

Our love is not conditional upon them overcoming their limitations.

3) Reduce Stressors In Our Children’s Lives

Many times, especially when our children become teens, they encounter so much stress it becomes unbearable. It can be made worse if parents and teachers pile on so much expectations on them that the latter can hardly breathe.

When our children struggle to perform under stress and find themselves failing or not doing as well as expected, feelings of self doubt or unworthiness could creep up. Left to fester, it could lead to severe depression.

When we sense that our children are under too much pressure and they begin to show signs of depression, one of the best things we can do is to remove as many stressors as possible. That could mean reducing the number of enrichment programs or assignments. It could also mean laying off well-intentioned “scoldings”. It could also mean giving more free time for our children to relax and regroup.

As the Chinese saying goes, “Rest is necessary for a long journey.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with rest. It is ok to have free time throughout the day to idle and recuperate. We do not have to pack every single moment of our children with enrichment, practice or homework.

When we allow our children downtime daily, yes DAILY, they will be able to unwind and de-stress themselves. That way, any stress our children feel have a chance to dissipate and they won’t feel bogged down emotionally and psychologically. That will result in them have a better mental health and not be susceptible to depression.

Conclusion

Depression is on the rise amongst children, and more notably, in teens. As parents and teachers, we can do our part to alleviate the problem by showing unconditional love for, unwavering support to and total acceptance of our children.

When we are sensitive to our children, we will be mindful not to load them with excessive stress and we will be gentler in our interactions with them. When our children feel love, supported and accepted, they will thrive. And given enough breathing room, they will blossom.

Are you willing to give your children room to grow and bloom?

– Vivian –

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Could My Teen Be Suicidal?

It started as a normal one-to-one pillow talk with my 14-year-old son last night.

I have always been honest and vulnerable with my children, telling them about my feelings and thoughts about parenting, about our relationship, about why I make the choices I do about discipline, homeschooling and so on. And last night was no different. I was sharing with my son about teen angst and the tight rope we parents balance on when dealing with our teens. On the one hand, we want to give our teens freedom. On the other hand, our teens need guidance. It’s really a hard balance to strike.

My main purpose last night was to re-connect with my son, having given him a serious and extended lecture the night before. He had been so upset after the lecture that he locked himself in the bathroom journaling his feelings for a long while. He emerged way after I had fallen asleep.

Then yesterday, he had spent the whole day out.  He basically went out right after breakfast.  I only saw him at dinner time.  Throughout the day, I had been anxious to understand the frustrations he had been feeling as well as his struggle to focus on school work. I also wanted to soothe the hurt I knew he must have felt from the lecture.

And so I initiated a pillow talk last night, and I was grateful he was open to talking to me in the dark. He had rested his head on my left arm and taken my right arm to wrap around his chest. My 14-year-old wanted a cuddle. My heart melted. I could feel he needed me, desperately.

And so we talked. Or rather, I started talking.

I talked about the angst that teens go through, about why teens have difficulty focusing on school work, about the stress teens face. I also talked about the reason I wanted to conduct the teens workshop that I will be running in Jun, that I felt it was important for teens to understand what they are going through and why they are going through the tough patches.

I confessed that sometimes I might think I was right, but actually I could be wrong because I was only seeing things from my perspective. “That’s why it is important for you to tell me what you are thinking about and what you are feeling so I can have a better picture and navigate from there. Otherwise I’ll always be navigating from my perspective and you may think I don’t understand you at all. You need to help me understand you because I can’t read your mind,” I implored.

“Like the blind men and the elephant,” he offered.

“Yes!” I agreed. He couldn’t have found a better analogy. If we don’t communicate our perspectives, we will always see a different part of the elephant. He could think the elephant is long and soft like a swim noddle, while I insist the elephant is wide and rough like a tree trunk. The more I insist upon my views, the more he thinks I don’t know what I am talking about. That is why I take great pains to describe my elephant to my children, hoping they can see my perspective. But if my children, especially my son, don’t tell me what they see, I can never get a full picture of how the elephant looks like.

“There is nothing you can tell me that will stop me from loving you. And there is nothing you can tell me that will make me go ballistic. No matter what it is, you are still my child and I will love you forever,” I assured him.

He kept quiet for a long while.  I could sense he was on the verge of saying something.

“So is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked.

“I can’t say it,” he replied after a long silence.

“It’s ok. There’s nothing you can say that will make me upset with you,” I repeated.

“I’m not worried that you will be upset with me. I’m concerned you will beat yourself up if I tell you,” he answered cautiously.

Now if there’s a better way of keeping me in suspense, I don’t know what it is. He has definitely piqued my interest. What could he want to say that could make me want to beat myself up?

After beating about the bush for a while and receiving numerous reassurances from me that I will not be upset with him or myself, he finally revealed his “secret”.

“You know, last night, I was worried about my mental health,” he started hesitantly. “I was thinking my life expectancy will be cut short.”

Internally, I gasped.

“What do you mean? You contemplated suicide?” I asked quietly.

“Well, last night after your lecture, I was really depressed. I was already feeling depressed before your lecture and your lecture only made me feel worse. And dad was also quite harsh with me. So I really felt I didn’t want to continue on.”

“So what did you do?” I nudged, quietly alarmed the thought of suicide crossed his mind.

“I knew it was not normal. But I just couldn’t talk about it. So I journaled. Once I could get my emotions out, I felt better. I also thought about how my friends from scouts and co op would feel, about how you and dad would feel if I really did what I was thinking about,” he confessed.

“Thank goodness for your friends then. And thank goodness you cared enough for us and your friends to stick around,” I said half jokingly. I hoped some humour would ease the lump I felt in my throat and my heart.

I thanked him for telling me how he felt. Luckily, I have learned enough about teens to talk to him about this dangerous thought he had. I am thankful he had the presence of mind to see it was not a normal feeling. I am even more grateful he has the love of his friends and his family to keep him going.

I explained to him about how his emotions are amplified during the teen years and how his problems would seem insurmountable especially when he feels estranged from me and his dad. More importantly, I apologized for making him feel worse than he already did.

Was I alarmed he contemplated ending his life? To be honest, yes. Though I told him I was not surprised, knowing what I do about teens’ brains and hormones. But yes, I was alarmed that I could have lost my son. I, a mom who prides herself on understanding teens, who thinks she has appropriately addressed her son on all occasions and has a strong connection with her son, was, at a moment in time, close to losing her son. That was a huge scare for me.

This incident has made me more determined to help more teens and parents. If my son, my boy whom I have treaded so carefully with, whom I have taken great pains and efforts to stay connected with, could contemplate suicide, even for a split second, what more of teens, or children, whose parents are not as cognizant of such issues and emotions?  If I had not been sensitive enough to initiate a pillow talk to stay connected with him, but had continued with my lecture the next few days, or worse, next few weeks, where would that lead my son to?

It only takes a split second of decision to jump out a window. Any regret on the way down will be too late.  I shudder at that thought.

My mission has become more urgent. I need to help all parents understand their children and be connected with their children. I need to help parents retain the link which will cause their children to stop and consider, “I’d better not do that because mom and dad will be devastated. I love them too much to do that to them.”

Understanding what my son is going through has definitely helped me in my subsequent communications with him. Having him understand that I am on his side, that I am willing to see his perspective will also help him to hang on.

Now, I want to help other parents and children achieve that.

Do you think thoughts of suicide could have crossed your child’s mind? What would you do differently if you think it did?

– Vivian –

PS: In case you are wondering, I do have my son’s permission to write about this because he knows how important this is for all parents and teens. He read this before I published it on the blog. He wants it to be known, however, that he is NOT suicidal. It’s just the thought flashed across his mind and it scared him enough to journal about it. And he is relieved he got to talk honestly and calmly about it with me and understood my support and love for him. At the end of the day, that’s all our children want from us: our understanding, support and unconditional love for them.  Once they know they have that, they can surmount all difficulties.

 

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5 Ways Young Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 2)

In my previous post, I talked about why our teens behave like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums and exerting their need for independence even though they cannot manage or handle that independence. I also shared some strategies on how parents can manage these issues. If you missed that post, you can find it here. In this post, we will look at more ways our young teens are like toddlers and what we can do to help them.

3) The Need For Transition Time

How many of you feel frustrated that when you give a command to your teen to do his homework, take a shower or go to bed NOW, you are met with either indifference or a temper tantrum? Well, you are not alone.

Like toddlers, our young teens are very absorbed in whatever it is they are currently doing. Like toddlers, our young teens cannot transition from one activity to another at the drop the hat, even though a year or two ago, or even a month ago, they could do it. Like toddlers, our young teens need transition time.

What is going on?

Like toddlers, our young teens want to be in control. Making them move from one activity to another without warning makes them feel out of control. And of course, that triggers resistance in them.  And when they feel resistance, they will put up a fight.

What could parents do?

Even as adults, we DO NOT LIKE to be interrupted and told to drop whatever it is we are doing to go on to the next thing. Yet we CAN do it. We may not like it, but we can definitely do it. That is because logically, we understand why we need to move on. Emotionally, we are able to control our displeasure. So we do what needs to be done even if we are not happy about it. But it is very different in the case of our teens. Logically, they may understand why they need to move on. Emotionally, however, they are unable to control their displeasure. And I would like to stress the lack of control is not their fault. So they WILL flare up.

The way to manage transitions then is to give sufficient warning so it does not come as a shock to our teens. I typically give three warnings to my teen. The first warning (usually 20-30 mins prior) lets him know that he has limited time left on what he is doing and he needs to start wrapping up. The second warning (usually 5-10 mins prior) lets him know the transition is inevitable and eminent and he HAS TO wrap things up SOON. By the time he hears the third warning (which is “Ok, time’s up, let’s move on”), he knows he has been given the opportunity to wrap things up. Whether he did it or not was his choice. What he gets is he was given a choice to wrap up whatever it was he was doing. And if he did not, he has less reasons to get mad. He was in control of how he wanted to leave the activity he was doing. I have found using the 3-warning system to be very effective in getting his cooperation on moving on to the next thing with minimal temper flare ups.

4) The Need For Routine

As our children grow up, we become more lax and allow them leeway in doing what they need to do. We think they are old enough to get their school work done. We believe they are sensible enough to know they need to brush their teeth twice a day and get a daily shower, with shampoo and soap. We are certain they know what time to go to bed and will go to bed when the time comes. Then we realize when they hit the early teen years, that most, if not all, of these things do not get done automatically, even though these were things that they have been doing on their own since they were 5 or 6 years old.

What is going on?

When our children hit the early teen years, they become highly distractable. They lose track of time and have an over-inflated confidence of what they can achieve. Combine all these traits and we get young teens who procrastinate on school work until it is too late to get it all done. We also get young teens who forget to brush their teeth or take a shower, not because they are lazy or dirty, but because they honestly thought they had already done it. No kidding!

What could parents do?

All of us thrive better with routine, even as adults. It is less stressful when we know what is coming up next. We know it helps our toddlers. For our young teens, it is even more critical. With the distractions they encounter all the time, routines help them anchor passage in time. As much as they may resist the structure, we need to put routines back in their lives, and remind them constantly to stick to those routines. The important thing is for us to design the routine with our teens’ inputs. And then it is up to US to help them stick to their chosen routine.

5) The Struggle With Sleep

Sleep. A hot topic amongst parents with little ones and parents of teens. Remember the time when our little ones gave up naps, were cranky all the time and yet refused to go to bed? Then our children hit early teens, and it feels like déjà vu, except this time, the bedtime battles seem bigger and more difficult to manage. Our teens refuse to go to bed at bedtime. Then they cannot wake up in the morning because they have gone to bed too late the night before. We may force, cajole, coax, bribe, threaten them to get them to bed but it is useless.

What is going on?

Blame it on the hormones and the shift in the circadian rhythm of our young teens. Generally, the teens stay awake 2 hours longer than when they were younger. That, together with the workload they have and the stress they face, their ability to fall asleep at the desired time decreases.

What could parents do?

Lovingly establish a routine, with your teen, and stick to it. It helps our teens to know what to expect. Sometimes they are so distracted and disoriented they do not know what to do, so they continue doing what they have been doing and “forget” to sleep. It definitely helps to establish the routine with our teens inputs. Have THEM work backwards what time they need to sleep based on what time THEY think they need to wake up and how many hours THEY think they need to sleep.

What if they say they need 5 hours of sleep? Agree to it. We know they need more, but for now, let us agree to it. Then ensure they go to bed at the time THEY decided based on their 5-hour sleep requirement. After a week, review it with them. Did 5 hours of sleep work for them? Did they feel tired and cranky mid-day even if they had fallen asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows and gotten their 5 hours of sleep. If they still felt tired, how many hours do THEY think they should sleep? Revise the time for bed. At the end of each week, review again and see if any changes need to be made.

This is going to take a few weeks. But trust me, when the teens are the ones who make the decisions, they will stick to their decisions better. If we cram our decisions down their throats, they will find all ways and means to circumvent those decisions and they will feel resentful towards us.

The other advantage to this technique is this. By helping our teens come to the right decisions themselves, we are teaching them how to make sound decisions. We are teaching them how to review and modify their decisions so they can achieve their desired outcome. We can use this method to help them make decisions in all aspects of their lives, not just setting the time for bed. In fact, I would caution parents NOT to make decisions for their teens. Do not explain why you made the decision or how you came to the decision. Instead, ask them questions, let them make the decisions, review those decisions after some time to see if they work, and if those did not, let the teens decide what they need to do.

Unlike with toddlers where parents can make most of the decisions, when it comes to teens, we need to step back and help our teens DERIVE the decisions to make.  Other than that, our young teens are like toddlers in many ways. It is a confusing and frustrating time for them.  And they need extra love and attention from us to get through this stage.  Hang in there.  This too shall pass.

–  Vivian –

 

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5 Ways Young Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 1)

We have all heard of the “Terrible Twos”, though personally, I do not feel the twos are terrible. There is also a phrase for teens. Can you guess what it is? Yes, “terrible teens”. But just as I do not believe in the terrible twos, I do not believe in the terrible teens too.

It is my belief that when we understand why our toddlers and teens behave the way they do, we can provide the understanding and support that they need. And once those core needs are met, the developmental phase will be over sooner than if we were to fight their development. And when we give the necessary support to our teens, they, and we, will emerge stronger and more complete.

So, do you feel like your young teen is behaving like a toddler? If you do, congratulations! Your teen is normal and you are not alone. Research has shown that our young teens, despite their physical size, do regress into toddlerhood. So how are they like toddlers?

1) Emotional Outbursts and Temper Tantrums

Most of us know our children have hit adolescence when we experience their explosive tempers. Like toddlers, they flare up when they do not get their way. Like toddlers, they throw a fit when they cannot get something done. Like toddlers, they are prickly and get bothered easily by other people. Little things seem to trigger them and they storm around like little tornadoes. Many times, our young teens feel angry and do not know why. Rest assured this is normal behavior.

What is going on?

Yes, hormones play a big part in the mood swings our young teens experience. But there is actually more going on.

Unlike our toddlers, our young teens are under a lot of stress from school, friends, parents and more. Typically, they are deemed to be young adults, capable of being responsible for their own schedule. However, research studies on the brain have shown that the prefrontal cortex of our young teens are not developed enough to do what we expect of them. They are easily distracted and unable to make or keep to schedule. What results then is a mismatch of our expectations against their capability. Unable to deliver results repeatedly, they feel stressed and demoralised. When we couple that with the hormones surging in their bodies, they cannot control the emotions that flare up as a result.

What could parents do?

It helps for us to understand the physiological and psychological development that our teens are going through. When we understand, we will naturally be more empathetic to our children. We will also then be able to provide appropriate support our children need. This is a time when we need to shower more love on our teens. Actually our children need us to shower love on them ALL THE TIME. But our young teens need even more of our love because they feel bewildered by their own emotional outbursts.

What to do with all those temper tantrums? It is our natural inclination to want to shut down these negative exhibitions of emotions, to insist our children “stop this nonsense” or “get a grip”. However, our teens need to feel safe to express themselves (as long as they do not go overboard with their tantrums). Luckily, most parents understand this has to do with the hormonal development in their young teens and do cut their children more slack.

However, we need to do even more. The answer to helping our teens get over their “tantrum” stage is actually rather counter-intuitive. The more they tantrum, the more love we need to shower upon them. It helps to tell our teens, “I understand you are upset. I’ll leave you alone while you work this through. But I am always available when you need to talk.” First, it signals our sensitivity towards how she is feeling. It also tells her we accept her for who she is. Finally, it lets her know she is not alone, that we are available for her. Then when the storm blows over, we can talk things over and resolve issues together. But at the point of our teen throwing a tantrum, our shutting them down does nothing to help. They may not exhibit their tantrums in the future, but their relationship with us would be severely strained.

Of course, there will be times when their temper tantrums go overboard and they start hitting people or smashing objects. What do we do then? That is the time when we have to draw the line and let them know that is not an acceptable behaviour. We need to be firm when setting this boundary. However, we need to understand that our teens need to physically expel the energy that wells up within them and we can help them redirect their energy into sports. I usually tell my son to go for a run or do some pushups to work off the energy.

2) The Need For Independence

Remember the time when our toddlers want to do everything themselves from putting on their own clothes to tying their own shoes laces? Remember how they disintegrate into tears and tantrums when they cannot do it and yet still refuse any help? Well, our teens go through that too. They want to be independent. They think they know what they need to do. They think they can do it. They want us to stop directing them or controlling them. But what happens? Things do not get done. They get distracted. They forget. They fail to manage their time well enough to do what needs to be done. Then the whole world comes down upon them. Teachers punish them for not getting their school work done. Parents punish them for getting into trouble with school, for not being disciplined enough. And our children fly into a rage. Sounds familiar?

What is going on?

It is a natural and healthy phenomenon for our teens to exert their independence. After all, we cannot baby them all their lives, can we? However, many parents make the mistake of thinking their teens have grown up and hand independence totally to their teens only to realize that their teens keep messing up again and again.

In some ways our teens may appear mature. They can reason. They can think. They know right from wrong. Whether they exhibit that maturity all the time or not is another question. Despite their seemingly mature behavior, the brain power of our young teens is not mature enough to hold on to the prize at the end of their toil. They may know they have a project due at the end of the week, but they are easily distracted. And the reason that happens is because their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain that is responsible for making decisions, is still under-developed. Even in their distraction, they are not worried about the looming deadline because they strongly believe they have things under control, that they can deliver results. Then before they realize it, the deadline hits them in their faces and it dawns upon them that they cannot do it. Then panic, shame, guilt, and fear grip them. Roll these emotions up with their hormones and their lack of self control, we get an emotional eruption.

What could parents do?

Again, understanding what our teens are going through and understanding why they are doing what they are doing help a great deal. It does not make the teens right in behaving or reacting the way they do. It just helps us manage our own expectations and realize our teens actually need more help than they, or even we, think.

Many parents believe that once our children hit the teen years, they should be mature enough to manage themselves and their school work. That cannot be further away from the truth. Our 11 and 12 year-olds are more capable of self discipline and time management than when they reach 13 and 14 years old. And yes, I am talking about the same child. That is why parents are typically taken aback by the “slacking” they observe in their young teens. However, research has shown that this regression is normal. Unfortunately, it is highly counter-intuitive to parents that when their children hit the teen years, they need more supervision and guidance than they did a year or two ago. Many parents resist and resent having to give that extra supervision. “You are old enough to….” is a common adage we hear from parents when they talk to their teens. That is why  understanding how the teens’ brains develop and understanding how they think will help us a great deal in helping and supporting our teens.

So how do we support our teens in their quest for independence? On the one hand, we need to acknowledge that we must grant them independence. The more we suppress their independence, the more they will fight for and struggle for it. On the other hand, we know they cannot manage total independence. It is a fine balance between giving our teens the independence they need and ensuring we hold the reins tight enough for them to get things done.

So what should we do?

Threats and punishments for non-compliance have little or no effect in changing our teens’ behavior, which is why parents tend to get really exasperated. What our teens need from us at this stage is our guidance even if they hate to ask for or to get it from us. One solution is to give them freedom to decide what to do when it is their free time (as long as it is not illegal or morally wrong). However, when it comes to important stuff, like their school work or their safety, we need to micromanage a little more. Our children have reached the age where, unfortunately, we need to provide constant vigilance. We cannot leave them alone and trust they can get things done. Our constant vigilance will include giving them reminders, asking them to show us what has been done on a daily basis, or even sitting down with them while they get their work done.

When we understand why we need to reinvest the time and energy on our teens to keep them on track, we will be less resentful and more empathetic. Our teens will sense our acceptance of them and be grateful to us for being there when they need us. Of course, they will not realize this till they are in their twenties, but we are parenting for the long term, aren’t we?

In my next post, I will cast light on more ways our teens are like toddlers. Stay tuned to understand why our young teens behave the way they do and what we can do to support them.

Till the next time, dig deep into your reserve for patience and empathy. Do share with us whether the two strategies above help you understand and manage your young teen a little better.

– Vivian –

PS: Continue here for 5 Ways Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 2)

 

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Keep Them Safe (Part 2)

As a young parent many years ago, I had worried about child abduction, car accidents and even earthquakes (we were in living Vancouver then). Slowly, I learnt that some worst-case scenarios were beyond my control. It was no use worrying about them. We can be mentally prepared and teach our children what to do in the event of those situations, but worrying does not help one bit.

We Have Some Control Over Their Safety

There is something, however, that we as parents have some level of control over. And that is car safety. In our recent post, I wrote about making wearing helmets a habit whenever our children ride bicycles or scooters or go roller blading. Today, I will touch on seat belts and car seats.

Like helmets, car seats and seat belts may be uncomfortable. In fact, they seem utterly useless most of the time UNTIL the one time they are needed. And if they were not put into use at that ONE moment they were needed, we may find ourselves uttering the dreaded, “If only…”

We Grew Up Without Them, Didn’t We?

Seat belts were never deemed to be a matter of LIFE or DEATH when we were growing up. My family grew up never buckling up while in a car, until it was made mandatory by law for those riding in the front passenger seat to buckle up. I never ever saw or heard of a car seat growing up, much less sat in one, as car seats were non-existent in those days (yes, I belong to that era). No one I knew, adult or child, ever died in a car accident. The odds of surviving without a car seat or seat belt seemed really good. Why should we suffer the inconvenience and discomfort of these safety devices?

Horror Stories

Fast forward to when I was working in an Orthopaedics Department 15 years ago. One of my friends from Vancouver General Hospital is a pediatric orthopaedic surgeon. He shared with my wife and me a clinical case. He had been treating a teenage girl for years for injuries she sustained from a car accident she was in when she was a toddler. That girl needed braces to help her walk and because she was still growing, her braces needed to be changed frequently. He then said something that I would never forget. He said, “She could have walked away from that accident without a scratch. The reason why I’m still treating her 10 years after her accident is because she wasn’t in a car seat.” He added, “If parents could see the kinds of injuries sustained by babies and little children from car accidents, injuries and deaths which are totally preventable with a car seat, they will NEVER EVER let their children ride in a car without strapping them in.”

Make Strapping In A Habit

Thanks to his advice, on top of working in an Orthopaedics Department, we had put each and every single one of our children in a car seat for as many years as possible. Each of them went through a phase where they would squirm, kick and scream whenever they were strapped in. But we never relented or gave up. We always told them that buckling up in the car was non-negotiable because we wanted them to be safe.

Our #1 cried non-stop from the moment he was strapped in till we arrived at our destination and carried him out of his car seat. #2 cried till she threw up and continued crying till we arrived. #3 bucked like a wild horse, and yes, cried the whole journey.

Yet without fail, after a few weeks of crying EVERY SINGLE TIME they were strapped to their car seat, somehow, they would all get used to it. Then miraculously, they would “graduate” to wanting to buckle themselves up as soon as we got into the car. And once they grew out of their car seats, and subsequently their booster seats, they would automatically put on their seat belts. Yes, automatically, by themselves.

To further instill in our children the need to be buckled up, my wife and I would always verbally announce that we ourselves were buckled up before we started our engine. Now that my children are older and can buckle themselves in, sometimes we would start the engine without checking (especially if we are in a hurry). But my children would protest and insist we shut off the engine and wait till they are all buckled up. And we do oblige. Continuing to instill the habit of safety, of strapping themselves in, especially since we still have a preschooler in the car, remains important to my wife and me.

All It Takes Is ONE Accident

Fortunately for us, touch wood, we have never been in an accident where we can prove that the car seat or seat belts have saved us and our children. A friend of ours, however, can attest to how the car seat and seat belts had saved his family. Years ago, their car had hit a patch of black ice and overturned on the way home from a winter trip. Luckily, all the adults had their seat belts on and his little boy was strapped in his car seat. No one sustained any injuries. Today his son is formidable ice hockey goalie. His story could have been very different if the little boy hadn’t been strapped in. His story could have been very different if my friend and his wife had not had their seatbelts on.

So parents, please help your children develop the habit of buckling up whenever they ride in a car. Yes, it’s hard to buckle a screaming, kicking, buckling baby in the car seat. Yes, we are highly competent drivers; we can drive as safely as possible; we can drive slowly. But we cannot control the road conditions. We cannot control how other drivers drive. What if the car hydropaned during a rain storm, or if we hit a patch of oil spill on the road? What if another driver was reckless or inexperienced and hit us? Accidents are called accidents because no one had intended for them to happen.

Correct Use of Car Seat

Like helmets, car seats are useless if they are not used properly. So how do we ensure we are using the car seat correctly?

a) Put Children Under 2 years Old in Rear Facing Car Seats
Children under 2 years old have very weak neck muscles. If they are in forward facing position, they could get seriously injured in the event the car jerks to a sudden stop. Rear facing car seats will prevent unnecessary serious whiplash injuries on these young children.

b) Secure Car Seat Tightly
Unlike the cars we had in US and Canada, the cars in Singapore do not seem to come with the LATCH system. These anchors and tethers help to tightly secure car seats to the seats on which they are placed on. I really wish LTA would insist upon cars having this feature for the safety of our children.

Car seat latch

(Photo credit: www.upworthy.com )

Until it becomes a common feature in our cars, as parents, we can only do our best to secure our children’s car seats with seat belts. If you can wriggle the car seat and it can slide, it is too loose and will not be able to protect the child sitting in it. To tightly secure the car seat for our 3-year-old, we press our knee on the empty car seat, pushing it as far into the seat as possible and then pull the seat belt threaded through the car seat to tighten it as much as we can. When this is done properly, the car seat will not wiggle a millimeter when you try to shake it from its base.

c) Tighten The Harness On the Car Seat
The harness on the car seat needs to be snug against the child, regardless of whether the car seat is rear or forward facing. Of course it should not be so tight as to make it difficult for the child to breathe. However, it should not be loose enough for you to slide you hand through it. If the impact of the car is high enough and the child is not snuggly fitted into his car seat, he can actually slide out of his car seat and be propelled forward, unprotected. To know if the harness is snug enough, try the pinch test. If you can pinch the harness after your child is strapped in, it is too loose.

Car seat pinch

The Pinch Test: Too loose
(Photo credit: www.newkidscenter.com)

d) Proper Threading Of The Harness
Why are there so many slits on the back of the car seat? When your child is seated rear facing in the car seat, the harness should emerge slightly below his shoulders from the back. That will prevent him from sliding upward when the car jerks to a sudden stop. When your child is seated forward facing in the car seat, the harness should emerge slightly above her shoulders from behind so that her shoulders don’t get crushed if the car jerks to a sudden stop. As our child grows, we will need to adjust the harness accordingly.

Car Seats And Seat Belts Save Lives

Car seats save lives. Seat belts save lives. As parents, not only do we want to insist on our children being buckled up, we need to lead by example ourselves and buckle up even if we are in the back seat. All it takes is one, just one, accident to show us that car seat and seat belts are essential. If the time comes and we didn’t have them on, it might be too late to say, “If only….”

 

Read our previous blog post on helmet safety.

– Juay –