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What Makes A Champion?

 

Joseph Isaac Schooling, 21, has just won Singapore’s first Olympic Gold. Not only did he win an Olympic gold medal, he made an Olympic Record for the 100m Men’s Butterfly.

How did Joseph achieve this feat? What inspired him? What made him tick?

As a parent, I wanted to know what kind of support his parents gave him. I also wanted to know the “ingredients” needed to raise a champion.

I was curious and this was what I found.

1) Have Strong Parental Support

Whenever I see successful youths, I know they have a strong support system behind them. Typically, that support comes from their parent(s). Parental support comes in various ways. In Joseph’s case, I see 3 kinds of support.

a) Encouraging His Passion
May Schooling, Joseph’s mom, has said that the passion for swimming comes from Joseph. Neither she nor Colin, Joseph’s dad, forced it on him. Instead of suppressing his love for swimming so he could spend more time studying and taking the traditional path to success, they did everything in their power to ensure he can pursue his passion, including sending him to the US when he was 14 so he could receive the best training.

[Edit (12 Aug) After I published this post, I read an interview given by Colin in Today. In that interview, Colin mentioned that he and his wife had collected an extensive swim library comprising of handwritten notes of Joseph’s swims, including details like split times and cadence. They also learned as much as they could about competitive swimming through attending technical courses and swim clinics. Although swimming was Joseph’s passion, his parents did all they could to learn about it so they could provide more indepth motivation and advice to him. It is easy to see then how much support his parents have given him to pursue his passion and how they have helped motivate him for success.]

b) Helping Him Clear Obstacles
When Joseph was 15, May sought and received deferment from National Service (NS) so that he could spend his time training for his competitions. Yet, Joseph’s parents have no intention of letting him skip his obligations to his country. They still expect him to return to fulfill his NS duties. Even as they support his passion, they are mindful to instill in him the value of loyalty towards his country.

c) Unshakeable Faith In Him
Not only did Joseph’s parents provide support and help him clear obstacles, they had an unshakeable belief in his ability. In a 2013 interview, May confidently said that Joseph will be a finalist in 2016.  That faith, I believe, would have boosted Joseph’s confidence, leading to his can-do attitude.

[Edit (12 Aug) In the same  interview mentioned in my edit above, Colin Schooling hit the nail on the head.

“For parents, whatever your children do, just have confidence in them, and just love them.” – Colin Schooling]

Lesson for me:
Respect and honour my children’s passions. Do everything in my power to help them fan and develop those passions. Even if it is the path less trodden, have faith that my children will achieve success because it is self-driven. And especially if it is the less trodden path, my children will need even more support and encouragement from my husband and me. Move mountains for them if necessary, but keep them grounded. And more importantly, have faith in them and let them know and feel it too.

2) Find A Role Model

When Joseph was 6, he learned that his granduncle Lloyd Valberg was Singapore’s first-ever Olympian at the 1948 Olympics. From that point on, Joseph aspired to not only be an Olympian, but to also win an Olympic medal.

When he was 13 years old, he took a photo of himself with Michael Phleps, his idol. 8 years later, he competed against his idol and won.

Lesson for me:
Everyone needs a role model to look up to and aspire towards. Likewise, my children need role models in what they do. Their role models will inspire them in ways I cannot. Yet, at the same time, my husband and I are their role models in the values and mindsets we want them to have. Hence, we need to be mindful of what we say and do.

3) Bounce Back From Failures

While attempting to qualify for 200m Butterfly for Olympics 2012, Joseph had to scramble minutes before his heats to find a replacement swim cap and goggles. That distraction caused him to register a poor swim and he did not qualify for the finals at the Olympics. While understandably disappointed, Joseph had said it was a learning experience.  He took heart that he was still very young and had a long way to go.  In 2016, he came back fighting harder, ending with a gold medal in Rio.

Joseph has exhibited the mindset of a champion. He looks at things positively. He is engaged in the positive thinking cycle.

Lesson for me:
Failures do not define us.  Instead we can choose to learn from them (again that is engaging in the positive thinking cycle).  In helping my children overcome their perceived “failures”, I will be mindful not to harp on what they have done wrong previously but will consciously remind them what they can do right.

4) Create a Goal

During an interview with Straits Times in Aug 2015, Joseph had said that his strategy for Olympics 2016 was to focus on 100m Butterfly and 200m Butterfly because he sees himself as a world-class swimmer trying to win. He was intent on winning the 100m Butterfly.

Joseph had a very clear goal. He was going to compete in Rio 2016 and that he was going to win a medal. In fact, while in Rio, he withdrew from the 200m Butterfly and missed out on the 100m Freestyle.  I presume he did so to conserve all his energy for the 100m Butterfly.

Lesson for me:
Goals tell us where to go and what to focus on.  If we do not know where we want to go, our chances of getting there is very low. Hence, I need to help my children create their OWN goals, goals that they feel passionate about, goals that will inspire them.

5) Persevere

Joseph had said that swimming was all about the little things. To achieve his ultimate goal of winning an Olympic medal, he would have to take all those little steps. Even if the trainings were painful, he had to persevere.

He took those little steps towards his goal. And he reached his goal today.

Lesson for me:
No action is too small as long as it propels us towards our goal. Taking a tiny little step forward is better than not taking any at all. That is something I have always believed in and it is reassuring to know Joseph subscribes to that as well. I will continue to remind my children of the tiny steps they can take each day towards their success.

6) Visualise Success

When interviewed by Channel News Asia right after winning his Gold medal, Joseph had said he did not know what to believe, whether he actually did it, or if he was still preparing his race.

That goes to show that like all successful people, Joseph engages in visualisation. He had most likely visualised himself winning the race many times prior to the event. His visualisations were so clear and real that even after the race, he could not tell the difference between his visualisations and reality.

Lesson for me:
Visualisations work. The clearer and more real we can visualise our successes, the easier it will be for us to achieve them. This is a tool I will be using to help my children visualise their success.

7) Being Humble

Why are all of us going wild about Joseph Schooling? For me, it is not just because he has won our first Olympic Gold. Neither is it because he has made an Olympic Record. Instead, it is because I am thoroughly impressed by his humility. And it is the humility in this champion that has made me his fan.

Despite winning against giants like Michael Phelps, Chad le Clos and Laszlo Cseh, he did not brag. Instead he had said he was “honoured and privileged” to be able to race in an Olympic final alongside great names like Michael, Chad and Laszlo. Wow!

Lesson for me:
While success can be a magnet for fans, humility in the face of success is even more magnetic. That is something I will need to bear in mind as I guide my children to pursue their own success.

Conclusion

Joseph Schooling has been an inspiration not only to athletes in Singapore but to me as well. He is now my role model on how I would like my children to behave in pursuit of their dreams, and more importantly, how I would like them to behave when they have achieved success.

Congratulations, Joseph. I look forward to seeing more of you in the future. Thank you for being such an inspiration for the budding athletes in Singapore. And thank you, for being an inspiration for this mom here. I wish you every success and may you continue to inspire all of us.

– Vivian Kwek-

 

 

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Raising Communicative Children

 

I have had many parents ask me how they can get their teens to talk to them. They feel that their teens have shut them out of their lives.

As much as these parents want to be a part of their teens’ lives and be there to help and guide them, they feel extremely handicapped not knowing what their teens are thinking about, how they are feeling or what they are going through because the latter is not sharing anything.

It is my belief that our children do not suddenly stop talking to us because they have grown up. Of course, I do not expect the teens to tell us everything as they had done when they were younger. But if they completely stop telling us anything of consequence, it is a worrying sign.

That is when we want to think about our interactions with them to see if we have contributed to them being uncommunicative towards us.

1) Vunerability

When our children come to us with problems or complaints, how do we respond? Do we show empathy and help them solve their problems? Do we tend to insinuate that they are at fault?

What do we do when our children show us their vulnerability?

Of course there are times they are at fault and it is our responsibility to show them that. However, the manner in which that is done is critical.

If coming to us result in harsh words or punishment from us, they learn not to come to us because they do not want to have salt rubbed on their wounds. That can potentially lead to disastrous results or even suicides if their problems snowball into something they feel is beyond their ability to solve and they feel they have no one to turn to.

So what can we do?

We can still teach them that they are in the wrong, but it need not be done harshly. We can empathise with why they do what they did and lovingly guide them on the corrective actions to take. That way, they will feel safe coming to us with problems in the future.  The idea here is to let our children know they are not alone and we are always available to help them.

Of course I am not advocating that we bail our children out of their problems. Our availability to help them does not mean we solve their problems. Instead, it means we are available for them to bounce off ideas or to explore solutions that THEY themselves can execute. We offer the guidance and experience and we are supportive of them cleaning up their messes.

When our children feel they can count on our support and love when they encounter problems, they will not hesitate to talk to us.

2) Reality

When our children come to us with problems we cannot do anything about, do we tell them to “suck it up” since they need to learn how to deal with it from young?

What do we do when our children encounter the realities of the world?

Again, it depends on how we help them absorb the lesson that there are some things in the world we cannot do anything about. Yes, there are some things we need our children to learn from young, like needing to put in effort to get results or there are bullies out there and we need to learn how to deal with that.

However, just telling the child to “suck it up” is as good as telling them they are alone and we cannot anything to help them. Then they learn they need not come and tell us anything because they already know our answer: “suck it up”.

Instead, we can teach them what they can do in such situations. For example, if they meet with a bully, instead of telling them to suck it up because bullies are everywhere, we can teach them how to deal with a bully, or how to bring the bullying to the attention of those who can do something about it, or how to empathise with a bully.

When my son was 5 years old, he told me there was a bully in his class who picked on him (the bully was a head taller than my son). I could have done a few things. One was tell my son to “suck it up” because bullies exist. Or I could complain to the teachers about it. Or I could teach my son how to handle it.

While I was concerned about the bullying, I knew that the bully had come from a troubled home. So I explained to my son that because the boy felt unloved and helpless at home, and probably bullied as well, he wanted to feel powerful in school. That was why he came to school and terrorized the smaller kids. I also told my son that it was best he steered clear from the bully’s path and if he was bullied again, to bring it to the attention to his teacher immediately. My intention was to help my son empathise with the troubled child, yet at the same time, learn to protect himself.

Instead, my son did something that surprised me. With the knowledge of the bully’s troubled background, my son went to school and convinced another friend of his to approach the bully together. My son then told the bully that they would be his friends and that they would help him feel loved so he would not feel the need to bully other children. I was very touched when he told me that his plan succeeded and that they became friends after that and more importantly, that the bully stopped terrorizing other children.

I understand that not all bullies are that easily “converted” and there are some who are just really mean and violent. Of course learning how to protect themselves from violent bullies are also important lessons to teach our children. However, many a time, a little love and empathy can go a long way.

When we are empathetic towards our children when they come to us with “realities of the world” they have to face at some point, they feel safe talking to us. And the safer they feel talking to us, the more they will communicate with us.

3) Achievement

How do we react when our children do well, be it getting good grades, achieving an award, and so on? Do we praise them? Do we give them rewards and tell them how proud we are of them? Now, how do we react when our children DO NOT do well? Do we berate or punish them? Do we take away some privileges or tell them we are disappointed in them?

What do we do with their achievement or lack of achievement?

Most of us celebrate our children’s success and achievements, and rightly so, because we want our children to know we are proud of them. However, I would suggest not to overdo the celebration and praises as we do not want to undermine our children’s inherent pride in themselves by having them rely too much on our reactions to their successes.

What is more important, in my view, is what we do when they fail.

When our children fail to achieve, it is understandable that we are disappointed. It is also understandable that we want to spur them on. The question is how can we spur them on in a manner that is motivational? How can we still let our children feel our love even if they have messed up?

I have always believed that when my children fail in something they want to do, that in itself is “punishment” enough for them. They already feel disappointed in the outcome and most of the time, they are disappointed in themselves. I do not feel the need to add misery to them by berating or punishing them.

Instead I do my best to help them see what they can do differently the next time. More importantly, I acknowledge them for the efforts they have put in and remind them that failures are only failures if they fail to learn anything from them. So now my children know that if they do not get something right, they are learning, not failing.

If our children feel our love is conditional upon their good behavior or achievement, they will not share with us problems that they feel will make us disappointed in them. Hence to have them remain communicative with us, it is important they know we love them unconditionally.

4) Acceptance

What do we do if our children have different views / perspectives / opinions from us? Do we tell them “it’s my way or the highway”? Or do we let them hold those views?

In other words, do our children feel accepted for who they are?

As our children mature, they will develop their own identity, their own “calling”, their own stand. It is understandable we feel we know best and that it is in their interest that they hold the same views we do.

However, if we insist “it’s my way or the highway”, we can almost guarantee that our children will feel isolated from us. Outwardly, they could still hold our view, but inwardly they either struggle to reconcile the differences, or they do whatever they feel is right out of our sight. And we would never hear them talking about that, no matter how dangerous their beliefs could be.

It is an extremely hard walk to take when we are dealing with our children who have different views from us. It could range from religion to politics to even basic safety. But would it be possible for us to agree to disagree, for us to still show our love despite our differences? That will be a true challenge to our love, won’t it?

Personally, I have not come to that bridge yet and I am thankful for that. But I have told my children that my love for them is unconditional and even if they hold fundamentally different views and beliefs from me, I will still love them with all my heart. I have also told them I will want to know what their views and beliefs are, not so I can change their minds, but so I can understand them and love them better.

I keep my fingers (and toes) crossed that the love I have for my children is strong enough for me to hold on to that promise.

When our children know they can count on our love even if they do not see eye to eye with us, they will feel safe communicating with us.

Conclusion

If we teach our children with love and empathy, they learn that problems are not the end of the world. They learn that problems can be overcome, that problems are hidden lessons, that problems are opportunities for loved ones to rally together to build one another up. They learn that they are not alone in facing the world or their problems. They learn that they are still worthy of our love regardless.

And when our children learn that, we need not worry they will stop communicating with us. Why? The reason is simple. We tend to share our problems and troubles with people whom we know love us regardless. And these very people whom we can share bad news with are usually the first we would share good news with. And what this means is communication will never cease.

So my question to you is this: Can your children share bad news or problems with you without worrying they will be scolded or punished?

– Vivian Kwek –

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When Children Show Signs of Depression

 

Has your child become more withdrawn or turned more aggressive and violent? Has he become increasingly whiny, clingy or dependent? Has he, on a regular basis, resisted going to school? Does he constantly complain of headaches or stomachaches?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “yes”, chances are your child COULD BE going through a depressive episode. Statistics show that about 1 in 5 children go through a depressive episode while growing up. Teens, unfortunately, suffer higher rates of depression compared to younger children.

Before we go any further, let us first understand what depression is and what this post aims to achieve.

What Is Depression?

Clinically, depression is a sustained depressed mood. It is not an occasional sadness or depressed mood that most of us feel from time to time. Most depression lasts between 7-9 months, though in some cases, it could last for years.

Depression is typically accompanied not only by a feeling of sadness, but also a loss of interest in most activities or a sense of unworthiness and/or guilt. In more severe cases, frequent thoughts of deaths/suicides occur.

The psychological state of depression is typically manifested physically as constant fatigue or physical aches, sudden changes in sleep patterns as well as sudden weight loss/gain. In severe cases, attempts at suicide are also committed.

This Post Does Not Offer Medical Advice

This post is NOT intended to offer medical advice on depression as I have neither the medical knowledge nor expertise to do that. Should your child suffer from prolong or severe depression, my advice would be for you to seek medical intervention for your child immediately.

If you aren’t sure if your child is suffering from depression but you feel that something is amiss, I’d strongly encourage you to seek medical advice nonetheless. It might well be the case that your child needs medical intervention and/or counseling. When it comes to the well-being of our children, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

So if I am not dealing with the medical intervention of depression, what then is this post about?

What We Can Do To Help Our Children

My aim is to share with adults (parents and teachers) strategies we can use when our children exhibit depressive symptoms, with the assumption that medical advice has been sought.  As the adults who have the most interaction with our children, both parents and teachers play significant roles in making or breaking our children.

Regardless of whether our children are going through a depressive phase or suffering from an actual full blown case of depression, there are many things we can do to support them. I believe that given the right support, our children can get out of that state more easily. So what can we do to elevate their feelings?

1) Show Them Love and Support

The first thing we can do is to show our children love and support.

Talk to them and let them know without a doubt that they are NOT alone. Many times, children feel depressed when they think they are alone in dealing with their problems, when they think no one cares, or when they feel unsupported. Letting our children know we are with them always, especially through bad times, is a significant boost to their morale and confidence.

Be available to listen to them and resist giving them advice. Let them work out their emotions and feelings, allow them to get things off their chests.

Just by being there for them, showing them we love them and that we will always support them will help them climb out of the darkness more quickly and easily.

2) Accept Our Children For Who They Are

Acceptance is key to letting our children feel they are worthy. They do not feel the need to be someone else. They do not feel they have to be perfect.

Accepting our children for who they are does not mean we just let them be and allow them to run wild without guidance. That would be irresponsible of us.

Instead, accepting our children means we love them with their strengths AND we love them with their limitations. It means loving them with their flaws and all.

As responsible parents and teachers, we can and should help our children gradually strengthen themselves and overcome limitations. But our children should at no time feel unworthy because they are imperfect.

Our love is not conditional upon them overcoming their limitations.

3) Reduce Stressors In Our Children’s Lives

Many times, especially when our children become teens, they encounter so much stress it becomes unbearable. It can be made worse if parents and teachers pile on so much expectations on them that the latter can hardly breathe.

When our children struggle to perform under stress and find themselves failing or not doing as well as expected, feelings of self doubt or unworthiness could creep up. Left to fester, it could lead to severe depression.

When we sense that our children are under too much pressure and they begin to show signs of depression, one of the best things we can do is to remove as many stressors as possible. That could mean reducing the number of enrichment programs or assignments. It could also mean laying off well-intentioned “scoldings”. It could also mean giving more free time for our children to relax and regroup.

As the Chinese saying goes, “Rest is necessary for a long journey.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with rest. It is ok to have free time throughout the day to idle and recuperate. We do not have to pack every single moment of our children with enrichment, practice or homework.

When we allow our children downtime daily, yes DAILY, they will be able to unwind and de-stress themselves. That way, any stress our children feel have a chance to dissipate and they won’t feel bogged down emotionally and psychologically. That will result in them have a better mental health and not be susceptible to depression.

Conclusion

Depression is on the rise amongst children, and more notably, in teens. As parents and teachers, we can do our part to alleviate the problem by showing unconditional love for, unwavering support to and total acceptance of our children.

When we are sensitive to our children, we will be mindful not to load them with excessive stress and we will be gentler in our interactions with them. When our children feel love, supported and accepted, they will thrive. And given enough breathing room, they will blossom.

Are you willing to give your children room to grow and bloom?

– Vivian –

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Could My Teen Be Suicidal?

It started as a normal one-to-one pillow talk with my 14-year-old son last night.

I have always been honest and vulnerable with my children, telling them about my feelings and thoughts about parenting, about our relationship, about why I make the choices I do about discipline, homeschooling and so on. And last night was no different. I was sharing with my son about teen angst and the tight rope we parents balance on when dealing with our teens. On the one hand, we want to give our teens freedom. On the other hand, our teens need guidance. It’s really a hard balance to strike.

My main purpose last night was to re-connect with my son, having given him a serious and extended lecture the night before. He had been so upset after the lecture that he locked himself in the bathroom journaling his feelings for a long while. He emerged way after I had fallen asleep.

Then yesterday, he had spent the whole day out.  He basically went out right after breakfast.  I only saw him at dinner time.  Throughout the day, I had been anxious to understand the frustrations he had been feeling as well as his struggle to focus on school work. I also wanted to soothe the hurt I knew he must have felt from the lecture.

And so I initiated a pillow talk last night, and I was grateful he was open to talking to me in the dark. He had rested his head on my left arm and taken my right arm to wrap around his chest. My 14-year-old wanted a cuddle. My heart melted. I could feel he needed me, desperately.

And so we talked. Or rather, I started talking.

I talked about the angst that teens go through, about why teens have difficulty focusing on school work, about the stress teens face. I also talked about the reason I wanted to conduct the teens workshop that I will be running in Jun, that I felt it was important for teens to understand what they are going through and why they are going through the tough patches.

I confessed that sometimes I might think I was right, but actually I could be wrong because I was only seeing things from my perspective. “That’s why it is important for you to tell me what you are thinking about and what you are feeling so I can have a better picture and navigate from there. Otherwise I’ll always be navigating from my perspective and you may think I don’t understand you at all. You need to help me understand you because I can’t read your mind,” I implored.

“Like the blind men and the elephant,” he offered.

“Yes!” I agreed. He couldn’t have found a better analogy. If we don’t communicate our perspectives, we will always see a different part of the elephant. He could think the elephant is long and soft like a swim noddle, while I insist the elephant is wide and rough like a tree trunk. The more I insist upon my views, the more he thinks I don’t know what I am talking about. That is why I take great pains to describe my elephant to my children, hoping they can see my perspective. But if my children, especially my son, don’t tell me what they see, I can never get a full picture of how the elephant looks like.

“There is nothing you can tell me that will stop me from loving you. And there is nothing you can tell me that will make me go ballistic. No matter what it is, you are still my child and I will love you forever,” I assured him.

He kept quiet for a long while.  I could sense he was on the verge of saying something.

“So is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked.

“I can’t say it,” he replied after a long silence.

“It’s ok. There’s nothing you can say that will make me upset with you,” I repeated.

“I’m not worried that you will be upset with me. I’m concerned you will beat yourself up if I tell you,” he answered cautiously.

Now if there’s a better way of keeping me in suspense, I don’t know what it is. He has definitely piqued my interest. What could he want to say that could make me want to beat myself up?

After beating about the bush for a while and receiving numerous reassurances from me that I will not be upset with him or myself, he finally revealed his “secret”.

“You know, last night, I was worried about my mental health,” he started hesitantly. “I was thinking my life expectancy will be cut short.”

Internally, I gasped.

“What do you mean? You contemplated suicide?” I asked quietly.

“Well, last night after your lecture, I was really depressed. I was already feeling depressed before your lecture and your lecture only made me feel worse. And dad was also quite harsh with me. So I really felt I didn’t want to continue on.”

“So what did you do?” I nudged, quietly alarmed the thought of suicide crossed his mind.

“I knew it was not normal. But I just couldn’t talk about it. So I journaled. Once I could get my emotions out, I felt better. I also thought about how my friends from scouts and co op would feel, about how you and dad would feel if I really did what I was thinking about,” he confessed.

“Thank goodness for your friends then. And thank goodness you cared enough for us and your friends to stick around,” I said half jokingly. I hoped some humour would ease the lump I felt in my throat and my heart.

I thanked him for telling me how he felt. Luckily, I have learned enough about teens to talk to him about this dangerous thought he had. I am thankful he had the presence of mind to see it was not a normal feeling. I am even more grateful he has the love of his friends and his family to keep him going.

I explained to him about how his emotions are amplified during the teen years and how his problems would seem insurmountable especially when he feels estranged from me and his dad. More importantly, I apologized for making him feel worse than he already did.

Was I alarmed he contemplated ending his life? To be honest, yes. Though I told him I was not surprised, knowing what I do about teens’ brains and hormones. But yes, I was alarmed that I could have lost my son. I, a mom who prides herself on understanding teens, who thinks she has appropriately addressed her son on all occasions and has a strong connection with her son, was, at a moment in time, close to losing her son. That was a huge scare for me.

This incident has made me more determined to help more teens and parents. If my son, my boy whom I have treaded so carefully with, whom I have taken great pains and efforts to stay connected with, could contemplate suicide, even for a split second, what more of teens, or children, whose parents are not as cognizant of such issues and emotions?  If I had not been sensitive enough to initiate a pillow talk to stay connected with him, but had continued with my lecture the next few days, or worse, next few weeks, where would that lead my son to?

It only takes a split second of decision to jump out a window. Any regret on the way down will be too late.  I shudder at that thought.

My mission has become more urgent. I need to help all parents understand their children and be connected with their children. I need to help parents retain the link which will cause their children to stop and consider, “I’d better not do that because mom and dad will be devastated. I love them too much to do that to them.”

Understanding what my son is going through has definitely helped me in my subsequent communications with him. Having him understand that I am on his side, that I am willing to see his perspective will also help him to hang on.

Now, I want to help other parents and children achieve that.

Do you think thoughts of suicide could have crossed your child’s mind? What would you do differently if you think it did?

– Vivian –

PS: In case you are wondering, I do have my son’s permission to write about this because he knows how important this is for all parents and teens. He read this before I published it on the blog. He wants it to be known, however, that he is NOT suicidal. It’s just the thought flashed across his mind and it scared him enough to journal about it. And he is relieved he got to talk honestly and calmly about it with me and understood my support and love for him. At the end of the day, that’s all our children want from us: our understanding, support and unconditional love for them.  Once they know they have that, they can surmount all difficulties.

 

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When My Child Lied…

I’ve always thought of myself as an open and approachable mom. After all, I’m a mom who does her best to understand why her children would “misbehave” and address the reason for that “misbehavior” rather than attacking the behavior itself. After all, I’m a mom who listens to her children’s wishes, though whether those wishes are granted or not is a different matter. After all, I’m a mom who gives reasons for all her answers, esp if they are “No”s. After all…

Yet, I find my daughter lying to me over a trivial matter. Why would she do that?

Discovery of Deceit

A couple of nights ago, I discovered a bottle of “Sprite” and a packet of “junkie” snack in her backpack by accident. If she hadn’t behaved so suspiciously when I reached into her bag for a water bottle, I wouldn’t have even seen the “undesirables”.

It happened during her dance class. She had walked hurriedly toward me when she saw me unzip her backpack. After I put the water bottle back into her backpack, she quickly zipped it up and placed it further away from me before returning to her class. That got me suspicious. So I reached for her bag again. She saw me and quickly walked back to me.

This time, I saw the drink and junk snack.

“Did you buy these?” I asked.

“No,” she replied instantaneously.

I raised my eyebrows.

“Sorry, mom. I did buy them,” she muttered.

“hmm,” I replied. Then I shooed her back to join her dance mates.

Had I Contributed To My Child’s Need to Lie?

My mind was spinning. Normally, if she lied, I would give her the usual integrity-is-everything and lying-corrodes-trust kinds of talk.  But that evening, I had just received news of an 11-year-old boy who had apparently jumped off his 17-storey home because of an argument with his dad.

What could have pushed the boy over the edge?  I could only imagine the guilt the dad felt seeing his boy dead at the bottom of the building. I was thinking about what we could do when disciplining our children so that our parent-child relationships are not so shredded that our children lose all hope. But mainly, I was thinking of how sometimes we could be the ones who contribute to problems that our children get into.

So having my daughter lie to me made me pensive. I reflected upon myself. Why would she feel the need to lie?  What was it about me that would lead her to lie? Do I tend to over-react when she does something wrong? What can I do to ensure she wouldn’t feel she needs to lie to me again?

Throughout the dance lesson, I could tell she was very anxious. She kept stealing glances at me. Once, I stepped out of the class to make a call to my husband to see if he was coming to pick us up. When I went back in, she came over and asked, “What is it? Who were you talking to?” I told her I was talking to daddy and shooed her back to her class.

While changing out of her dance shoes after her class ended, she kept asking me, “What is it?” every time I looked at her. I told her, “Nothing, dear. I just love looking at you.” Inside, I was hurting. I was still trying to figure out how to address this. It was obvious she was, dare I say it, fearful. What have I done that made her so afraid of me?

Finally, when we left the dance studio, she asked meekly, “Are you angry with me?”

I stopped and faced her. “Do I look angry?” I asked.

She shook her head. I told her I wasn’t angry, but disappointed she didn’t feel safe enough to tell me the truth. And I asked her why she felt she had to lie to me.

Her Expectation Of How I Would React

“I was afraid you will be upset,” she replied.

“Upset about what?” I asked

“Upset that I bought these things.” She said

“Why would I be upset?”

“Because they are bad for me,” she answered.

I told her I was not upset she had bought those stuff. I understood why she did it. It’s true it was not what I would have wanted her to do. She could have made better choices with her purchases, but was the act of buying those snacks wrong? I didn’t think so. What upset and disappointed me was that she chose to lie. If she had owned up, this whole incident would have been a non-issue. I might have talked about making better food choices, but that would have been it.

I asked her if she understood what I meant and she nodded her head.

“Did you tell daddy?” she asked.

“No, I didn’t,” I said and she heaved a sigh of relief.

“But I will,” I continued and she tensed up.

“Not because I want him to know you lied, but because I think it is important he understands you need more security to feel you can be honest. Both daddy and I need to work together to help you feel that way. Do you understand?” She nodded.

“I’m sorry, mom,” she said.

“I’m sorry too,” I replied.

Lesson for Me

Indeed, I am sorry. I’m sorry I hadn’t let her feel safe enough to be truthful. That is something I need to work harder towards so she knows she is safe telling me anything.

If she feels the need to hide from me the truth about where she got her junkie snacks from, I can’t imagine what bigger stuff she would hide from me in the future simply because she is afraid I would get upset or angry.

I need to let her feel safe and assured of my love regardless of what she does. I need to let her feel that I will be by her side, that I will be there to help her through all problems big and small, when she messes up. That my daughter “fears” me, or rather fears upsetting me was a big wake up call for me.

Lesson for My Child

For my daughter, she realized the anxiety she faced doing something she knew I disapproved of, and worse when she lied about it. She was worried about how I would feel. She was anxious that her dad would find out. An innocent act of me getting a water bottle from her backpack had sent her running to me. A glance from me had put her on the edge. Seeing me on the phone with her dad had made her tense.

She learnt about the power of her conscience. It didn’t matter if anyone knew what she did or not. Her conscience knew, and it had kept her on the edge, constantly worried that others would find out.

She learnt a Chinese saying, “If you don’t want people to know about it, then don’t do it.”

She also learnt a far more important lesson.  That her lying had cost her her credibility.

I had asked her how many times she had bought stuff like that and she said this was the only time. When I raised my eyebrows in doubt, she looked me in the eye and said again, “I am not lying.  This IS the first time.”

To which I replied softly, “And why would I believe that?”

She lowered her eyes and said, “No, there is no reason why you should believe that. Not after I lied to you just now.”

I asked her if she saw how destructive lying could be.

“Yes, mom. Integrity is everything. Now you will doubt everything I say.”

“So what can we do about that?”

“Never lie again,” she said.

I assured her I can take anything she tells me, I might be upset, but I will still be on her side as long as she is truthful. I stressed the importance of her being honest, so I can continue to trust her, so she doesn’t have to dig herself into deeper trouble with more lies. I promised her I would not go ballistic with any truth she tells me.

Sure, she was wrong to lie. But I believe it takes two for lying to occur. And I will do my best to create an environment that encourages truthfulness, an environment of trust in both directions.

What about you?  What do you do when you find your child lying to you?

– Vivian –