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The Ever-Changing Landscape of Parenting

(from 1 Minute Parenting Insights published on Decoding Your Child Facebook Page on 1 Sep 2016)

In the early years, our babies do not have a concept for self. Their entire world is made up of their caregivers like ourselves. How they feel is dependent on how their caregivers react to them and their needs. That is when we respond lovingly to our babies ALL THE TIME, including bedtime and through the night because that forms the basis of how they see the world.

Later, our children start developing a sense of self. Then our role as caregivers change. We empower them, support them, guide and cheer them on. That is when we give them some level of independence, encourage them to explore, teach them right from wrong, and celebrate their successes so they grow up confident of themselves because we have shown them our confidence.

When they are grown up and have developed a sense of self, we become their cheerleaders. That is when we let go, respect their views and celebrate the person they have become.

Parenting is an ever-changing landscape where our roles are constantly changing. Let us all grow with our children.

Happy parenting!!

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Raising Communicative Children

 

I have had many parents ask me how they can get their teens to talk to them. They feel that their teens have shut them out of their lives.

As much as these parents want to be a part of their teens’ lives and be there to help and guide them, they feel extremely handicapped not knowing what their teens are thinking about, how they are feeling or what they are going through because the latter is not sharing anything.

It is my belief that our children do not suddenly stop talking to us because they have grown up. Of course, I do not expect the teens to tell us everything as they had done when they were younger. But if they completely stop telling us anything of consequence, it is a worrying sign.

That is when we want to think about our interactions with them to see if we have contributed to them being uncommunicative towards us.

1) Vunerability

When our children come to us with problems or complaints, how do we respond? Do we show empathy and help them solve their problems? Do we tend to insinuate that they are at fault?

What do we do when our children show us their vulnerability?

Of course there are times they are at fault and it is our responsibility to show them that. However, the manner in which that is done is critical.

If coming to us result in harsh words or punishment from us, they learn not to come to us because they do not want to have salt rubbed on their wounds. That can potentially lead to disastrous results or even suicides if their problems snowball into something they feel is beyond their ability to solve and they feel they have no one to turn to.

So what can we do?

We can still teach them that they are in the wrong, but it need not be done harshly. We can empathise with why they do what they did and lovingly guide them on the corrective actions to take. That way, they will feel safe coming to us with problems in the future.  The idea here is to let our children know they are not alone and we are always available to help them.

Of course I am not advocating that we bail our children out of their problems. Our availability to help them does not mean we solve their problems. Instead, it means we are available for them to bounce off ideas or to explore solutions that THEY themselves can execute. We offer the guidance and experience and we are supportive of them cleaning up their messes.

When our children feel they can count on our support and love when they encounter problems, they will not hesitate to talk to us.

2) Reality

When our children come to us with problems we cannot do anything about, do we tell them to “suck it up” since they need to learn how to deal with it from young?

What do we do when our children encounter the realities of the world?

Again, it depends on how we help them absorb the lesson that there are some things in the world we cannot do anything about. Yes, there are some things we need our children to learn from young, like needing to put in effort to get results or there are bullies out there and we need to learn how to deal with that.

However, just telling the child to “suck it up” is as good as telling them they are alone and we cannot anything to help them. Then they learn they need not come and tell us anything because they already know our answer: “suck it up”.

Instead, we can teach them what they can do in such situations. For example, if they meet with a bully, instead of telling them to suck it up because bullies are everywhere, we can teach them how to deal with a bully, or how to bring the bullying to the attention of those who can do something about it, or how to empathise with a bully.

When my son was 5 years old, he told me there was a bully in his class who picked on him (the bully was a head taller than my son). I could have done a few things. One was tell my son to “suck it up” because bullies exist. Or I could complain to the teachers about it. Or I could teach my son how to handle it.

While I was concerned about the bullying, I knew that the bully had come from a troubled home. So I explained to my son that because the boy felt unloved and helpless at home, and probably bullied as well, he wanted to feel powerful in school. That was why he came to school and terrorized the smaller kids. I also told my son that it was best he steered clear from the bully’s path and if he was bullied again, to bring it to the attention to his teacher immediately. My intention was to help my son empathise with the troubled child, yet at the same time, learn to protect himself.

Instead, my son did something that surprised me. With the knowledge of the bully’s troubled background, my son went to school and convinced another friend of his to approach the bully together. My son then told the bully that they would be his friends and that they would help him feel loved so he would not feel the need to bully other children. I was very touched when he told me that his plan succeeded and that they became friends after that and more importantly, that the bully stopped terrorizing other children.

I understand that not all bullies are that easily “converted” and there are some who are just really mean and violent. Of course learning how to protect themselves from violent bullies are also important lessons to teach our children. However, many a time, a little love and empathy can go a long way.

When we are empathetic towards our children when they come to us with “realities of the world” they have to face at some point, they feel safe talking to us. And the safer they feel talking to us, the more they will communicate with us.

3) Achievement

How do we react when our children do well, be it getting good grades, achieving an award, and so on? Do we praise them? Do we give them rewards and tell them how proud we are of them? Now, how do we react when our children DO NOT do well? Do we berate or punish them? Do we take away some privileges or tell them we are disappointed in them?

What do we do with their achievement or lack of achievement?

Most of us celebrate our children’s success and achievements, and rightly so, because we want our children to know we are proud of them. However, I would suggest not to overdo the celebration and praises as we do not want to undermine our children’s inherent pride in themselves by having them rely too much on our reactions to their successes.

What is more important, in my view, is what we do when they fail.

When our children fail to achieve, it is understandable that we are disappointed. It is also understandable that we want to spur them on. The question is how can we spur them on in a manner that is motivational? How can we still let our children feel our love even if they have messed up?

I have always believed that when my children fail in something they want to do, that in itself is “punishment” enough for them. They already feel disappointed in the outcome and most of the time, they are disappointed in themselves. I do not feel the need to add misery to them by berating or punishing them.

Instead I do my best to help them see what they can do differently the next time. More importantly, I acknowledge them for the efforts they have put in and remind them that failures are only failures if they fail to learn anything from them. So now my children know that if they do not get something right, they are learning, not failing.

If our children feel our love is conditional upon their good behavior or achievement, they will not share with us problems that they feel will make us disappointed in them. Hence to have them remain communicative with us, it is important they know we love them unconditionally.

4) Acceptance

What do we do if our children have different views / perspectives / opinions from us? Do we tell them “it’s my way or the highway”? Or do we let them hold those views?

In other words, do our children feel accepted for who they are?

As our children mature, they will develop their own identity, their own “calling”, their own stand. It is understandable we feel we know best and that it is in their interest that they hold the same views we do.

However, if we insist “it’s my way or the highway”, we can almost guarantee that our children will feel isolated from us. Outwardly, they could still hold our view, but inwardly they either struggle to reconcile the differences, or they do whatever they feel is right out of our sight. And we would never hear them talking about that, no matter how dangerous their beliefs could be.

It is an extremely hard walk to take when we are dealing with our children who have different views from us. It could range from religion to politics to even basic safety. But would it be possible for us to agree to disagree, for us to still show our love despite our differences? That will be a true challenge to our love, won’t it?

Personally, I have not come to that bridge yet and I am thankful for that. But I have told my children that my love for them is unconditional and even if they hold fundamentally different views and beliefs from me, I will still love them with all my heart. I have also told them I will want to know what their views and beliefs are, not so I can change their minds, but so I can understand them and love them better.

I keep my fingers (and toes) crossed that the love I have for my children is strong enough for me to hold on to that promise.

When our children know they can count on our love even if they do not see eye to eye with us, they will feel safe communicating with us.

Conclusion

If we teach our children with love and empathy, they learn that problems are not the end of the world. They learn that problems can be overcome, that problems are hidden lessons, that problems are opportunities for loved ones to rally together to build one another up. They learn that they are not alone in facing the world or their problems. They learn that they are still worthy of our love regardless.

And when our children learn that, we need not worry they will stop communicating with us. Why? The reason is simple. We tend to share our problems and troubles with people whom we know love us regardless. And these very people whom we can share bad news with are usually the first we would share good news with. And what this means is communication will never cease.

So my question to you is this: Can your children share bad news or problems with you without worrying they will be scolded or punished?

– Vivian Kwek –

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When Children Show Signs of Depression

 

Has your child become more withdrawn or turned more aggressive and violent? Has he become increasingly whiny, clingy or dependent? Has he, on a regular basis, resisted going to school? Does he constantly complain of headaches or stomachaches?

If your answer to any of the above questions is “yes”, chances are your child COULD BE going through a depressive episode. Statistics show that about 1 in 5 children go through a depressive episode while growing up. Teens, unfortunately, suffer higher rates of depression compared to younger children.

Before we go any further, let us first understand what depression is and what this post aims to achieve.

What Is Depression?

Clinically, depression is a sustained depressed mood. It is not an occasional sadness or depressed mood that most of us feel from time to time. Most depression lasts between 7-9 months, though in some cases, it could last for years.

Depression is typically accompanied not only by a feeling of sadness, but also a loss of interest in most activities or a sense of unworthiness and/or guilt. In more severe cases, frequent thoughts of deaths/suicides occur.

The psychological state of depression is typically manifested physically as constant fatigue or physical aches, sudden changes in sleep patterns as well as sudden weight loss/gain. In severe cases, attempts at suicide are also committed.

This Post Does Not Offer Medical Advice

This post is NOT intended to offer medical advice on depression as I have neither the medical knowledge nor expertise to do that. Should your child suffer from prolong or severe depression, my advice would be for you to seek medical intervention for your child immediately.

If you aren’t sure if your child is suffering from depression but you feel that something is amiss, I’d strongly encourage you to seek medical advice nonetheless. It might well be the case that your child needs medical intervention and/or counseling. When it comes to the well-being of our children, it is always better to be safe than sorry.

So if I am not dealing with the medical intervention of depression, what then is this post about?

What We Can Do To Help Our Children

My aim is to share with adults (parents and teachers) strategies we can use when our children exhibit depressive symptoms, with the assumption that medical advice has been sought.  As the adults who have the most interaction with our children, both parents and teachers play significant roles in making or breaking our children.

Regardless of whether our children are going through a depressive phase or suffering from an actual full blown case of depression, there are many things we can do to support them. I believe that given the right support, our children can get out of that state more easily. So what can we do to elevate their feelings?

1) Show Them Love and Support

The first thing we can do is to show our children love and support.

Talk to them and let them know without a doubt that they are NOT alone. Many times, children feel depressed when they think they are alone in dealing with their problems, when they think no one cares, or when they feel unsupported. Letting our children know we are with them always, especially through bad times, is a significant boost to their morale and confidence.

Be available to listen to them and resist giving them advice. Let them work out their emotions and feelings, allow them to get things off their chests.

Just by being there for them, showing them we love them and that we will always support them will help them climb out of the darkness more quickly and easily.

2) Accept Our Children For Who They Are

Acceptance is key to letting our children feel they are worthy. They do not feel the need to be someone else. They do not feel they have to be perfect.

Accepting our children for who they are does not mean we just let them be and allow them to run wild without guidance. That would be irresponsible of us.

Instead, accepting our children means we love them with their strengths AND we love them with their limitations. It means loving them with their flaws and all.

As responsible parents and teachers, we can and should help our children gradually strengthen themselves and overcome limitations. But our children should at no time feel unworthy because they are imperfect.

Our love is not conditional upon them overcoming their limitations.

3) Reduce Stressors In Our Children’s Lives

Many times, especially when our children become teens, they encounter so much stress it becomes unbearable. It can be made worse if parents and teachers pile on so much expectations on them that the latter can hardly breathe.

When our children struggle to perform under stress and find themselves failing or not doing as well as expected, feelings of self doubt or unworthiness could creep up. Left to fester, it could lead to severe depression.

When we sense that our children are under too much pressure and they begin to show signs of depression, one of the best things we can do is to remove as many stressors as possible. That could mean reducing the number of enrichment programs or assignments. It could also mean laying off well-intentioned “scoldings”. It could also mean giving more free time for our children to relax and regroup.

As the Chinese saying goes, “Rest is necessary for a long journey.” There is absolutely nothing wrong with rest. It is ok to have free time throughout the day to idle and recuperate. We do not have to pack every single moment of our children with enrichment, practice or homework.

When we allow our children downtime daily, yes DAILY, they will be able to unwind and de-stress themselves. That way, any stress our children feel have a chance to dissipate and they won’t feel bogged down emotionally and psychologically. That will result in them have a better mental health and not be susceptible to depression.

Conclusion

Depression is on the rise amongst children, and more notably, in teens. As parents and teachers, we can do our part to alleviate the problem by showing unconditional love for, unwavering support to and total acceptance of our children.

When we are sensitive to our children, we will be mindful not to load them with excessive stress and we will be gentler in our interactions with them. When our children feel love, supported and accepted, they will thrive. And given enough breathing room, they will blossom.

Are you willing to give your children room to grow and bloom?

– Vivian –

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Could My Teen Be Suicidal?

It started as a normal one-to-one pillow talk with my 14-year-old son last night.

I have always been honest and vulnerable with my children, telling them about my feelings and thoughts about parenting, about our relationship, about why I make the choices I do about discipline, homeschooling and so on. And last night was no different. I was sharing with my son about teen angst and the tight rope we parents balance on when dealing with our teens. On the one hand, we want to give our teens freedom. On the other hand, our teens need guidance. It’s really a hard balance to strike.

My main purpose last night was to re-connect with my son, having given him a serious and extended lecture the night before. He had been so upset after the lecture that he locked himself in the bathroom journaling his feelings for a long while. He emerged way after I had fallen asleep.

Then yesterday, he had spent the whole day out.  He basically went out right after breakfast.  I only saw him at dinner time.  Throughout the day, I had been anxious to understand the frustrations he had been feeling as well as his struggle to focus on school work. I also wanted to soothe the hurt I knew he must have felt from the lecture.

And so I initiated a pillow talk last night, and I was grateful he was open to talking to me in the dark. He had rested his head on my left arm and taken my right arm to wrap around his chest. My 14-year-old wanted a cuddle. My heart melted. I could feel he needed me, desperately.

And so we talked. Or rather, I started talking.

I talked about the angst that teens go through, about why teens have difficulty focusing on school work, about the stress teens face. I also talked about the reason I wanted to conduct the teens workshop that I will be running in Jun, that I felt it was important for teens to understand what they are going through and why they are going through the tough patches.

I confessed that sometimes I might think I was right, but actually I could be wrong because I was only seeing things from my perspective. “That’s why it is important for you to tell me what you are thinking about and what you are feeling so I can have a better picture and navigate from there. Otherwise I’ll always be navigating from my perspective and you may think I don’t understand you at all. You need to help me understand you because I can’t read your mind,” I implored.

“Like the blind men and the elephant,” he offered.

“Yes!” I agreed. He couldn’t have found a better analogy. If we don’t communicate our perspectives, we will always see a different part of the elephant. He could think the elephant is long and soft like a swim noddle, while I insist the elephant is wide and rough like a tree trunk. The more I insist upon my views, the more he thinks I don’t know what I am talking about. That is why I take great pains to describe my elephant to my children, hoping they can see my perspective. But if my children, especially my son, don’t tell me what they see, I can never get a full picture of how the elephant looks like.

“There is nothing you can tell me that will stop me from loving you. And there is nothing you can tell me that will make me go ballistic. No matter what it is, you are still my child and I will love you forever,” I assured him.

He kept quiet for a long while.  I could sense he was on the verge of saying something.

“So is there something you’d like to tell me?” I asked.

“I can’t say it,” he replied after a long silence.

“It’s ok. There’s nothing you can say that will make me upset with you,” I repeated.

“I’m not worried that you will be upset with me. I’m concerned you will beat yourself up if I tell you,” he answered cautiously.

Now if there’s a better way of keeping me in suspense, I don’t know what it is. He has definitely piqued my interest. What could he want to say that could make me want to beat myself up?

After beating about the bush for a while and receiving numerous reassurances from me that I will not be upset with him or myself, he finally revealed his “secret”.

“You know, last night, I was worried about my mental health,” he started hesitantly. “I was thinking my life expectancy will be cut short.”

Internally, I gasped.

“What do you mean? You contemplated suicide?” I asked quietly.

“Well, last night after your lecture, I was really depressed. I was already feeling depressed before your lecture and your lecture only made me feel worse. And dad was also quite harsh with me. So I really felt I didn’t want to continue on.”

“So what did you do?” I nudged, quietly alarmed the thought of suicide crossed his mind.

“I knew it was not normal. But I just couldn’t talk about it. So I journaled. Once I could get my emotions out, I felt better. I also thought about how my friends from scouts and co op would feel, about how you and dad would feel if I really did what I was thinking about,” he confessed.

“Thank goodness for your friends then. And thank goodness you cared enough for us and your friends to stick around,” I said half jokingly. I hoped some humour would ease the lump I felt in my throat and my heart.

I thanked him for telling me how he felt. Luckily, I have learned enough about teens to talk to him about this dangerous thought he had. I am thankful he had the presence of mind to see it was not a normal feeling. I am even more grateful he has the love of his friends and his family to keep him going.

I explained to him about how his emotions are amplified during the teen years and how his problems would seem insurmountable especially when he feels estranged from me and his dad. More importantly, I apologized for making him feel worse than he already did.

Was I alarmed he contemplated ending his life? To be honest, yes. Though I told him I was not surprised, knowing what I do about teens’ brains and hormones. But yes, I was alarmed that I could have lost my son. I, a mom who prides herself on understanding teens, who thinks she has appropriately addressed her son on all occasions and has a strong connection with her son, was, at a moment in time, close to losing her son. That was a huge scare for me.

This incident has made me more determined to help more teens and parents. If my son, my boy whom I have treaded so carefully with, whom I have taken great pains and efforts to stay connected with, could contemplate suicide, even for a split second, what more of teens, or children, whose parents are not as cognizant of such issues and emotions?  If I had not been sensitive enough to initiate a pillow talk to stay connected with him, but had continued with my lecture the next few days, or worse, next few weeks, where would that lead my son to?

It only takes a split second of decision to jump out a window. Any regret on the way down will be too late.  I shudder at that thought.

My mission has become more urgent. I need to help all parents understand their children and be connected with their children. I need to help parents retain the link which will cause their children to stop and consider, “I’d better not do that because mom and dad will be devastated. I love them too much to do that to them.”

Understanding what my son is going through has definitely helped me in my subsequent communications with him. Having him understand that I am on his side, that I am willing to see his perspective will also help him to hang on.

Now, I want to help other parents and children achieve that.

Do you think thoughts of suicide could have crossed your child’s mind? What would you do differently if you think it did?

– Vivian –

PS: In case you are wondering, I do have my son’s permission to write about this because he knows how important this is for all parents and teens. He read this before I published it on the blog. He wants it to be known, however, that he is NOT suicidal. It’s just the thought flashed across his mind and it scared him enough to journal about it. And he is relieved he got to talk honestly and calmly about it with me and understood my support and love for him. At the end of the day, that’s all our children want from us: our understanding, support and unconditional love for them.  Once they know they have that, they can surmount all difficulties.

 

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5 Ways Young Teens Are Like Toddlers (Part 2)

In my previous post, I talked about why our teens behave like toddlers, throwing temper tantrums and exerting their need for independence even though they cannot manage or handle that independence. I also shared some strategies on how parents can manage these issues. If you missed that post, you can find it here. In this post, we will look at more ways our young teens are like toddlers and what we can do to help them.

3) The Need For Transition Time

How many of you feel frustrated that when you give a command to your teen to do his homework, take a shower or go to bed NOW, you are met with either indifference or a temper tantrum? Well, you are not alone.

Like toddlers, our young teens are very absorbed in whatever it is they are currently doing. Like toddlers, our young teens cannot transition from one activity to another at the drop the hat, even though a year or two ago, or even a month ago, they could do it. Like toddlers, our young teens need transition time.

What is going on?

Like toddlers, our young teens want to be in control. Making them move from one activity to another without warning makes them feel out of control. And of course, that triggers resistance in them.  And when they feel resistance, they will put up a fight.

What could parents do?

Even as adults, we DO NOT LIKE to be interrupted and told to drop whatever it is we are doing to go on to the next thing. Yet we CAN do it. We may not like it, but we can definitely do it. That is because logically, we understand why we need to move on. Emotionally, we are able to control our displeasure. So we do what needs to be done even if we are not happy about it. But it is very different in the case of our teens. Logically, they may understand why they need to move on. Emotionally, however, they are unable to control their displeasure. And I would like to stress the lack of control is not their fault. So they WILL flare up.

The way to manage transitions then is to give sufficient warning so it does not come as a shock to our teens. I typically give three warnings to my teen. The first warning (usually 20-30 mins prior) lets him know that he has limited time left on what he is doing and he needs to start wrapping up. The second warning (usually 5-10 mins prior) lets him know the transition is inevitable and eminent and he HAS TO wrap things up SOON. By the time he hears the third warning (which is “Ok, time’s up, let’s move on”), he knows he has been given the opportunity to wrap things up. Whether he did it or not was his choice. What he gets is he was given a choice to wrap up whatever it was he was doing. And if he did not, he has less reasons to get mad. He was in control of how he wanted to leave the activity he was doing. I have found using the 3-warning system to be very effective in getting his cooperation on moving on to the next thing with minimal temper flare ups.

4) The Need For Routine

As our children grow up, we become more lax and allow them leeway in doing what they need to do. We think they are old enough to get their school work done. We believe they are sensible enough to know they need to brush their teeth twice a day and get a daily shower, with shampoo and soap. We are certain they know what time to go to bed and will go to bed when the time comes. Then we realize when they hit the early teen years, that most, if not all, of these things do not get done automatically, even though these were things that they have been doing on their own since they were 5 or 6 years old.

What is going on?

When our children hit the early teen years, they become highly distractable. They lose track of time and have an over-inflated confidence of what they can achieve. Combine all these traits and we get young teens who procrastinate on school work until it is too late to get it all done. We also get young teens who forget to brush their teeth or take a shower, not because they are lazy or dirty, but because they honestly thought they had already done it. No kidding!

What could parents do?

All of us thrive better with routine, even as adults. It is less stressful when we know what is coming up next. We know it helps our toddlers. For our young teens, it is even more critical. With the distractions they encounter all the time, routines help them anchor passage in time. As much as they may resist the structure, we need to put routines back in their lives, and remind them constantly to stick to those routines. The important thing is for us to design the routine with our teens’ inputs. And then it is up to US to help them stick to their chosen routine.

5) The Struggle With Sleep

Sleep. A hot topic amongst parents with little ones and parents of teens. Remember the time when our little ones gave up naps, were cranky all the time and yet refused to go to bed? Then our children hit early teens, and it feels like déjà vu, except this time, the bedtime battles seem bigger and more difficult to manage. Our teens refuse to go to bed at bedtime. Then they cannot wake up in the morning because they have gone to bed too late the night before. We may force, cajole, coax, bribe, threaten them to get them to bed but it is useless.

What is going on?

Blame it on the hormones and the shift in the circadian rhythm of our young teens. Generally, the teens stay awake 2 hours longer than when they were younger. That, together with the workload they have and the stress they face, their ability to fall asleep at the desired time decreases.

What could parents do?

Lovingly establish a routine, with your teen, and stick to it. It helps our teens to know what to expect. Sometimes they are so distracted and disoriented they do not know what to do, so they continue doing what they have been doing and “forget” to sleep. It definitely helps to establish the routine with our teens inputs. Have THEM work backwards what time they need to sleep based on what time THEY think they need to wake up and how many hours THEY think they need to sleep.

What if they say they need 5 hours of sleep? Agree to it. We know they need more, but for now, let us agree to it. Then ensure they go to bed at the time THEY decided based on their 5-hour sleep requirement. After a week, review it with them. Did 5 hours of sleep work for them? Did they feel tired and cranky mid-day even if they had fallen asleep as soon as their heads hit the pillows and gotten their 5 hours of sleep. If they still felt tired, how many hours do THEY think they should sleep? Revise the time for bed. At the end of each week, review again and see if any changes need to be made.

This is going to take a few weeks. But trust me, when the teens are the ones who make the decisions, they will stick to their decisions better. If we cram our decisions down their throats, they will find all ways and means to circumvent those decisions and they will feel resentful towards us.

The other advantage to this technique is this. By helping our teens come to the right decisions themselves, we are teaching them how to make sound decisions. We are teaching them how to review and modify their decisions so they can achieve their desired outcome. We can use this method to help them make decisions in all aspects of their lives, not just setting the time for bed. In fact, I would caution parents NOT to make decisions for their teens. Do not explain why you made the decision or how you came to the decision. Instead, ask them questions, let them make the decisions, review those decisions after some time to see if they work, and if those did not, let the teens decide what they need to do.

Unlike with toddlers where parents can make most of the decisions, when it comes to teens, we need to step back and help our teens DERIVE the decisions to make.  Other than that, our young teens are like toddlers in many ways. It is a confusing and frustrating time for them.  And they need extra love and attention from us to get through this stage.  Hang in there.  This too shall pass.

–  Vivian –