Posted on

Say “NO” to Worry and Guilt

I recently read an article written by a friend titled, “Mothers, Thy Name Is Worry” in the latest issue of Penang Monthly. In it, he shared how his mom worries about her children from the time of conception till now (this friend of mine is in his 60s). 

And I realise he is right. We moms are worriers. We worry when our kids eat too much or too little, sleep too much or too little. We worry when they have too many friends, or too few friends. We worry when they focus too much on schoolwork or too little… When they do well in X, we worry they are not thriving in Y. When they grow up, we worry about the jobs they have, the partners they find, the lives they live. When they start their families, we worry about their children, and sometimes their financial situation.  It’s almost never ending…

The problem with WORRY is it always comes with a companion by the name GUILT.

We feel guilty letting our kids eat too much or too little, sleep too much or too little. We feel guilty allowing them to spend too much or too little time with friends. We feel guilty that we did not help them be “well-balanced” if they focus too much on schoolwork or too little… When they do well in X, we feel guilty not helping them thrive in Y.

Working moms feel guilty not spending enough time with their children. Stay-at-home moms feel guilty losing their patience and tempers at their children throughout the day.  

We feel guilty sending the kids to too many enrichment programs because we know they need breathers yet the fear of not keeping up make us continue signing them up for classes. We feel guilty NOT sending the kids to enough or any enrichment programs because we fear they are losing out, yet our belief that kids need free time stop us from signing them up for classes. We feel guilty giving them “junk” food. We feel guilty using screentime as a babysitter. We feel guilty when something bad happens to our child, believing we could have done more to prevent it from happening, or feeling bad we fail to realise our child is experiencing problems. We feel guilty for not having done a good job guiding and teaching them If our child does something wrong or faces difficulties overcoming a challenge. The list goes on.

When will enough be enough? When will we moms realise that WORRY and GUILT are NOT badges of honour? That WORRY and GUILT are not “proofs” that we love our children? That they are, instead, stopping us from fully enjoying our motherhood?

Today is Mother’s Day. My wish to ALL mothers and mothers-to-be is that WE will be able to STOP worrying and feeling guilty. Why? Because WORRY drains us and GUILT eats us up. It’s time to say NO to them.

How?

Simple. We start by decoding what WORRY and GUILT are. Then we will realise they are not productive emotions.

Decoding and Dealing with WORRY

WORRY is merely a feeling of anxiety about something that has yet to happen. If there is something we can do about what we are worrying about, then we do not need to worry. If there is nothing we can do about what we are worrying about, then there is no point worrying since it will not help with anything except rob us of peace and enjoyment of the moment. 

So when you start worrying, ask yourself, “Is there anything I can do about it?”

If the answer is yes, then determine what it is you can do and do it. If the answer is no, then tell yourself, “There’s no point worrying. Just need to be prepared for whatever that happens.” Remind yourself that worrying WILL NOT change the outcome of whatever it is you are worrying about.

Decoding and Dealing with GUILT

Guilt is feeling bad about something that has happened in the past. There is no way we can go back and change it. Feeling guilty does not change what has happened. Instead of feeling guilty, we can work on what needs to be improved so the same mistake will not happen again, or we can come to terms with whatever decisions we have already made and executed.

So when you start feeling guilty, tell yourself, “I can’t change the past. Is there anything I can do to make amends or to prevent the same thing from happening again?”

If the answer is yes, then determine what it is you can do and do it. It is unlikely the answer will be no, because even if you cannot do anything to make things better, there is always a lesson you can learn that will help you make better decisions or take better actions in the future. Just remind yourself that feeling guilty WILL NOT change what has happened.

How to Lead a Blissful Life

We need to strive to let go and let it be. As the song “Que Sera Sera” goes, “Whatever will be, will be.”

We are not perfect. Given the number of “active” tabs we moms have open in our brains, we already have so much on our minds at the same time. No matter how hard we work or how much scenario planning we do and have Plans A, B, C,..to Z, we can NEVER fix everything. We need to stop worrying or feeling guilty for having done X or for not doing Y. 

We need to love and accept ourselves, and acknowledge that we are all doing our best with the knowledge and resources we have at the moment. When we do that, we won’t feel weighed down for everything we have done, or will do, nor we feel laden for every decision we have made or will make. Then we can be fully present for our family and enjoy them. And it is being present that we can find BLISS.

Happy BLISSFUL Mother’s Day

Here’s wishing all Moms a Happy BLISSFUL Mother’s Day and a Happy BLISSFUL EVER AFTER. Let’s bid “worry” and “guilt” goodbye and resolve to keep them out of our lives.

Happy Parenting!!

Posted on

Positivity Builds Resilience

(As shared on Decoding Your Child Facebook post on 18 April 2019)

If you had a date with someone which you were really looking forward to and plans had to change at the last minute due to circumstances outside anyone’s control, what would you do? How would you feel? What about your child?

I have been very busy the whole of last week with seminars to prepare for and deliver as well as a business trip away from home. And though I came home yesterday fr my trip, I had a class to attend. So for the past 7 days, I had hardly spent any time with my little 6-yo.

To make up for it, I asked her yesterday what she wanted to do after school the next day (which is today) and she excitedly replied she wanted to go swimming. She was telling me everything she wanted to do at the pool, what skills she wanted to show me and what games we would play at the pool. I could tell she was really looking forward to it.

Today, after I picked her from school, the sky was grey…?. And I asked her what she would want to do if it rained. Her reply warmed my heart.

She said, “Well, if it rains, it’s good! Then everyone will feel cooler. And we can stay at home and play games.”

Not only was she not upset she wouldn’t get to go swimming, she was able to give a positive spin to a supposedly “bad” thing where her swimming date with me got rained out.

I feel so heartened and at peace, knowing this girl of mine is resilient . Nothing will get her down. She is able to look at anything and look for a positive spin. She will live a happy life. For that I am contented and grateful.

This is something ALL parents can help their children achieve. When we model positive thinking, look for silver lining in every dark cloud, our children will learn to do that. Then nothing will get them down. They will still be able to feel joy even when it rains. 

Happy Parenting!!

Posted on

What Kind Of Life Do You Want For Your Children?

10, 000 hours.  That’s how long it takes to build mastery.  On average, when we spend 10,000 hours learning and practicing something, we become a master of it.

We do not need to have the qualifications.  We do not need to have the certificate.  If we want it, sure, by all means get it. But what is more needed is the constant learning and doing of something to be a master.  More importantly, what we need is passion because when there is passion, we will still continue to learn and improve even after we have achieved master status. How awesome is that?  Isn’t that what we all aspire our children to do? To be life-long learners?

Let me give you an example. I know a fabulous photographer who can capture the moment.  He knows when to click the shutter.  He knows which is the best angle to capture a shot.  He can anticipate what the subject of his shoot is going to do and he snaps the photo at the exact moment.  The photos he takes of athletes in motion are not blurry.  Instead they always turn out showing the athletes in the best light even if they are in mid-stride: the look of determination, the purposefulness of the stride, the strain on the muscles, the glint of perspiration.  

How does he do that?  He has learnt it all through trial and error, through years and years of reading about photography, taking photographs, and analyzing what he did that captured beautiful photos and what he had overlooked when the photos did not turn out well. After more than 15 years learning AS A HOBBY, he started his own photography business and it took off.  He has more than enough photo shoot engagements to make a more than decent living and he can command an even higher premium, if he wants to, to bring his income to an even higher level.  Yet he hasn’t stopped learning.  He is still working on improving his skills.  He is still analyzing his own work to see what he can do better. WHY?

The reason is simple.  He finds joy in capturing memories for people.  To him, he can “cheat” time by capturing precious moments so that we, the beneficiaries of his photographic skills, can relive those moments again.  Photography is his PASSION.  It is not his job.  He LOVES what he is doing.  

How is this relevant to parenting?

In our society, many people are chasing qualifications.  We are brought up to NEED a piece a paper to tell us we are good at whatever it is the paper says.  Don’t get me wrong.  I am not saying that education is not important.  In some instances, a paper qualification is necessary. In fact, if we love what we are doing and learning while getting that qualification, fantastic! What I am saying is passion is even more important.  We can spend hours and hours working towards a degree or certification.  But for many people, once we get that degree, we forget 90% of what we have learnt to earn that piece of paper.  And if we ask around, many graduates do not even use a fraction of the things they have learned to get the degree.

Yes, that degree may land us with a job. But what if we do not enjoy what we do? I know of an ex-neurosurgeon. He was “successful” by our definition. For one, he was a neurosurgeon. Two, he earned very good money and therefore lived a rather luxurious life. Unfortunately, he was a terribly unhappy man. He did not enjoy what he did. In fact, he did not even like medicine. He went into medical school because his dad made him, and since he got good grades, his dad made him specialise in neurosurgery. After so many years in medical school, and building his specialty, he felt trapped. He had to continue with what he did because he had financial commitments. He hated his life, and he resented his father for putting him on that path. When he was in his 50s, his father passed away. Almost immediately, this man left his practice. His family was shocked to say the least. Thankfully, they were able to understand that he needed to be able to live his life, and not the life his father had wanted him to live.

At least this ex-neurosurgeon got the courage to say, “Enough is enough!” Sadly, I know of many people who hate their jobs and their lives. But they are bound by that piece of paper (say engineering degree).  They have this fear, “If I don’t become an engineer, I would have wasted all those years pursuing the degree. If I don’t become an engineer, what else can I be? How am I going to find a job? What am I going to do?” So they are resigned to what they have to do every day. Quite a few of them suffer from mid-life crisis where life seems meaningless for them, and understandably so. Some go into severe depression and stay depressed for years. In fact, depression amongst those in their 40s and 50s is on the rise. But what can these people do? Walk out of their jobs like the neurosurgeon did? Most do not have the courage to rock the boat, not when they still have children and parents who depend on them, or housing or car loans to maintain. So they feel extremely trapped and slide further deeper into helplessness.

Let us do the Math: How many hours did it take to get an engineering degree? 

Assuming engineering school requires 10 hours of study each day (including working on assignments and projects) for 5 days a week.  Each school year is about 35 weeks and it takes 4 years to get an engineering degree:

10 hrs x 5 days x 35 weeks x 4 = 7000 hours

If we had gone into engineering school because our parents had wanted us to, or because we were brainwashed to go and get an engineering degree because that’s where the jobs would be, we would have spent 7000 hours doing something we do not enjoy. And guess what?  When we graduate, we would get a job we do not enjoy too.  

Some might say, “Such is life.  Suck it up.” 

I disagree. Life is meant for living.  We live when we are alive, not in the biological sense where we are breathing and moving.  Being alive to me means living a purposeful life where everyday is meaningful, where we look forward to waking up and doing what we love.  

What do we want for our children?  What kind of future do we want them to have? What are we pushing them towards?

Do we want them to have a life where they wake up every moment excited and raring to go? Or do we want them to have a life where they dread waking up and have to drag their feet to a job they cannot get out of because of their financial commitment?  Are we allowing them to live their lives, or are they living the lives we want them to live?

There is a saying, “If you love what you do, you never have to work another day in your life.”

What kind of life do you want for your children (and yourself)?

Happy Parenting!

Posted on

From Being Depressed To Being Inspired

(As shared on Decoding Your Child Facebook post on 9 March 2019.)

Many years ago, after a few years of being a stay-at-mom, I had felt my self-worth diminish. 

There I was a university graduate w a good Honours degree, previously doing an amazing job, discussing about high level intellectual stuff, but now reduced to being a cow constantly nursing a baby, constantly dealing with toddler tantrums and constantly changing diapers and cleaning up my 2 little ones. 

And having a husband who is a man of few words meant I ended up having conversations with MYSELF. Sadly, my most “intellectual” conversation with myself on a daily basis was to debate the healthiest meal I could make in the shortest possible time given what I had in the fridge and pantry.

I was, to be honest, feeling rather sorry for myself. But I had put on a brave front for my family, for my kids. For several years, I felt unaccomplished as I watched my peers rise up the organisational hierarchy and my sister’s business grow from strength to strength. No, I wasn’t jealous, but I had felt a little defeated. I had felt I wasn’t maximising my potential. 

Yet I wouldn’t change what I chose to do (be a stay-at-home mom) for anything because I really wanted to be the one who raise my own kids.

I shared that with my sister one day when we met and she had told me that what I was doing was extremely important. That I shouldn’t measure my success with that of others’. She had told me, “Perhaps the greatest work you do is in the adults you raise in your family.”

That was a HUGE inspiration to me. While I had always wanted to be a good parent, I was now fired up to be the best parent and bring up my children who will make a positive impact on earth and who would help many people. 

So to all you stay-at-home parents, be heartened that the work you do is extremely important. You literally leave a legacy with the work you do in parenting. 

And to working parents, my absolute salute to your dedication to not take the easy way out. The fact you are following and reading Decoding Your Child shows you are working on parenting your children positively. And trust me, it’s harder to parent positively than to parent using fear and pain. You having to balance that with the stress you feel working is no mean feat. So should you stumble, it’s ok! Just pick yourself up, and try again, and again, and again.

Sure, some days are extremely hard, and they never seem to end, but they will. All the investment of time, energy and emotion to parent your child(ren) lovingly WILL YIELD adults who are kind, loving, empathetic, and most importantly, resilient. They will have higher self esteem and will persevere through difficulties as you have. THEY will become the adults who will thrive and who will have the heart to help others.

I don’t really know what kind of impact my children will have in the future, but I am really happy with the way they have turned out thus far. I am comforted that my years of effort have been yielding sweet fruits for me and my family all these years.

When the going gets tough, just remember that muscles grow when they are stretched. So we are ALL growing. Yes, I am constantly being stretched too!!

Happy Parenting!

Posted on

Know Vs KNOW

I have been having very interesting conversations with my 14-year-old recently.

Last night, she was commenting about myopia. You see, she has been saying she needs glasses for a while and recently she went to the optometrist. 

C: You know mom, I can’t imagine how people who need glasses function without glasses. My prescription is only 75 and 100 degrees. Yet I have so much difficulty seeing the bus numbers without glasses. I can’t imagine how it is like for someone who has a prescription of more than 400 degrees and does not have glasses.

Me: Well, I have a prescription of more than 400 degrees and I can’t function without my glasses. I thought you knew that. That’s why I always say I need my glasses to find my glasses. I can’t see without my glasses.

C: I knew you need glasses and without them you can’t see. But I never thought about how that felt, or how blurry things would be for you without your glasses. When the optometrist put the glasses on for me and I went out of the shop to look around, suddenly everything looked clear. And when I removed them, I realised how blur things have been. If it has been so blur for me, I can’t imagine how it is for you or anyone who has worse eyesight than me. I didn’t understand how it was like to NOT be able to see. But now, I have a better idea of how it is like for you.

With that comment of hers, a light bulb came on for me.

Lesson for Me

My dear C, you have no idea how important a lesson you have taught me, AGAIN.

How often have I known, yet NOT KNOWN, how difficult things are for my children?  

When they struggle to stay focused, I know it is because their more mature nucleus accumbens (the pleasure-seeking centre of their brain) is driving their thoughts and actions and that their pre-frontal cortex (the logical decision making centre of their brain) is not quite mature yet to hold their goal in view. 

But I don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to focus because I still get impatient and judgmental when they are distracted.

Likewise, when they lose their temper, I know that, for my teens, it is because of the fluctuations of hormones in their bodies making control difficult, or, for my little one, that it is because she is really tired/hungry etc.  

But I don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to control their temper because sometimes I still get triggered when they “lose” it.

And there are parents whose children are hyperactive, or depressed, or perfectionists, or have sensory sensitivities, or a zillion other challenges. How WELL do most parents REALLY know the struggles their children go through?

Most times, we may feel “if only the kids would try harder…”, or worse, “they are leading us by our noses, manipulating us,” etc. I know I have been guilty of that.

If we really KNOW how our children feel and how they struggle, we will not have those thoughts at all.

The truth is we don’t REALLY know how hard it is for them to function “normally” unless we have the same condition as they do. That is why we tend to be more critical and impatient, less sympathetic and loving. 

Unfortunately, that does not help our children. Our lack of empathy and lacklustre support makes it even harder for them to function normally.

So while I may “know” my children are having a tough time, and that they are doing their best, I still need to do the following:

  1. remember I don’t REALLY KNOW how awful they feel or how hard they are struggling,
  2. remind myself to take my 2 deep breaths, 
  3. strike down my fear that I have lost control over them, 
  4. tap into my unconditional love for them, and
  5. support them when they falter. 

Once again, I am grateful to C for the insight she has given me. May her insight help you decode your children so you can help them overcome whatever challenges they have as well.

Happy Parenting!